Another shudder passed through her. She broke his gaze and leaned her head against his shoulder. Levi didn’t mind, as long as she didn’t try to escape from his arms. Several long minutes passed before she said, “Cam probably told you why I can’t ever commit to anyone.”
Levi swallowed hard and said, “Yeah.”
“He doesn’t know the real reason why.”
Levi’s eyes widened. He tried not to let his body react and make her even more tense. He wished she’d raise her head up and look at him so he could see into her eyes, but she didn’t so he cautiously said, “I’m here if you want to talk.” She hadn’t even told her brother. How did he think he was so special?
“Cam assumes it all goes back to Mom and Dad.” She pushed out a loud breath. “Of course that was a horrible thing to go through, but I hardly remember them and Cam and my grandparents were always there for me. I used to cry in the night and Cam would always come and hold me. The only time nobody came was when I didn’t cry out.”
“I’m so sorry.”
She lifted her shoulders. “A lot of people go through hard things. I really felt like I did okay with all of that, but then when I went to college…” She paused and Levi waited.
When tears dropped onto his bare chest he groaned, “Oh, Caylee,” and pulled her closer. Whatever had happened had ripped her apart.
She looked up at him then. “I love you,” she admitted. Levi hardly had time to process that or be pleased or shocked before she arched up and kissed him. He had no issue kissing her back and they got tangled in the emotion and the simple joy of the kiss for a good, long time. Caylee pulled back and whispered, “Forget I said that.”
Levi shook his head. “Nope. I’m never forgetting that.”
“I’m too impulsive.”
Levi chuckled. “Yes, you are, and I love it.”
Caylee smiled, but then she glanced down and more tears squeezed past her lids. “I shouldn’t have said that. Who knows if it’s even true? What do I know about love?”
Levi’s chest tightened. She was already going to retract those powerful words and he hadn’t even had a chance to tell her how hard he’d fallen for her.
“You’re amazing, Levi. If I was ever going to fall for anybody it would be for you, but I don’t know that I even have a heart left to give.”
Levi framed her beautiful face with his palms. “You have an absolutely perfect heart, Caylee. Please don’t push me out before I even have a chance to help you. I’ve been looking for you my entire life and I’m not going to give you up without a battle.”
Caylee smiled softly at him. “I don’t know that the tough Air Force doc can handle the impetuous, heartless, fun-lover.”
Levi grinned. “You’re definitely too much for me to handle, but won’t it be amazing to try?”
Caylee sobered and shook her head. “You haven’t been listening, Levi. I’ve told you time and again I’m not available.”
Levi pulled her tight against him. “I’m telling you I’m not taking that excuse any longer.”
She shook her head sadly. “You’ll understand better soon.”
Levi’s heart felt like it was being wrenched from his chest, but she was still in his arms and willing to talk. They had to figure this out, somehow, someway.
“What happened at college?” he finally got up the nerve to ask.
“I fell in love,” she said simply.
Levi hated that more than he could even admit to himself. He grunted for her to continue.
“He was a senior, the student body president of Utah Valley University, and I was a lowly freshman who idolized him. He bought me presents, took me on fancy dates, told me how beautiful, fun, and smart I was.” She hung her head. “I was an idiot.”
Levi could imagine a young Caylee who was a bit uncertain and needy without her family there to support her, being a prime candidate for an older guy preying on an innocent girl.
“We’d dated for a couple of months and he took me on a drive up the canyon.” She gnawed at her lip. “It was raining hard, lightning and thunder. I thought it was so exciting. He parked by the river and started kissing me.”
Levi was nauseous. He didn’t want to hear this story, but he wanted to help Caylee so he clenched his jaw and listened.
“He started to … go farther than I wanted and I.....” She shook her head. “He was really convincing and I thought I loved him, but he kept pushing and then he started pulling off my shirt.”
Caylee blew out a long breath and Levi wondered if she was going to continue the story. He didn’t want her to, could hardly stand what he’d heard so far. But if it would help her, he would be here.
“I told him no and fought him,” Caylee continued quietly. “He was too strong and …” She bit at her lip then said, “You can imagine what he did.”
Levi could and he wanted to find the guy and gut him. He tried not to hold Caylee too tightly as she continued, “After he was done he shoved me and my clothes out of the car into the rain and told me that he knew I’d wanted what he gave me and nobody would believe me if I told them any differently so I shouldn’t even try.”
“You … didn’t?”
“I never said a word to anybody.”
Levi’s breath hitched.
“I walked back to my apartment, miles in the rain. The thunder and lightning crashing around me. I thought I was going to die. I hoped I would actually. When I made it home, my roommates made a big fuss. I told them I’d broken up with him and he was a jerk and left me in the rain. That was all I ever said. I avoided him the rest of that year until he graduated and I vowed I would never, ever be alone or vulnerable with a man again.” She glanced up at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “So I go on lots and lots of dates, but I meet my date at the location, I make sure we are never alone, and if anybody tries to get one bit serious, I ditch them.”
Levi could hardly speak past the anger in his throat. He finally forced out, “Caylee. I am so sorry.”
“Not your fault.”
He didn’t know what to say, how to make it any better. No way could he be the selfish jerk right now and try to convince her that he would never hurt her, that he was different than that guy, that he could heal her pain. So he simply held her. Neither of them said anything. Caylee’s breath was ragged at first, but gradually it settled down. She rested her head against his shoulder and eventually she must’ve drifted off to sleep.
The cabin was steaming hot with no windows open and no air conditioning on, but he didn’t dare move and wake her. His thoughts swung from white hot anger at the guy who’d hurt her to sorrow for Caylee suffering with this burden all these years on her own to an ache to be the one to help her to make it better. But his logical side wondered if that were even possible. Caylee obviously needed someone more qualified and whole than him to help her heal.
A door creaked open in the hallway. Levi tensed as Cam appeared.
“What’s going on?” Cam asked in a harsh whisper.
“She was scared,” Levi muttered.
Cam nodded. “Are you two?” He pointed back and forth between the two of them.
“No,” Levi muttered. He wanted Caylee like he’d never wanted anyone or anything in his life, but he refused to push her, not now, not after what she’d just told him. He’d be there for her and pray she would see that she could be healed. It might take a lot of time, but patience was definitely something Levi had a full supply of.
Cam turned the air conditioner back on and the cool air poured out. Levi savored the feel of it. “Thanks.” He prayed Cam wouldn’t ask him to release his hold on his sister.
“Be careful with her,” Cam muttered.
Levi nodded.
Cam gave him one more look before striding back down the hallway. Levi relaxed a little more. At least Cam finally trusted him. Now if he could only figure out how to get Caylee to trust him, too. She gave a cute little sigh, her arms relaxing around his waist. Levi shifted and propped them up again
st the couch a little better, stretching out his legs and reclining against the threadbare cushions.
Chapter Thirteen
Caylee opened her eyes to the sun streaming into the cabin of the boat. Her cheek was squished against Levi’s bare chest and she was sprawled on top of him on the couch. Last night came back swiftly to her and she covered her mouth with her hand. She’d told him … everything. Where had her brain been? Levi had been like a rock as he’d listened and held her. Yet that was all he’d done. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or frustrated by his reaction. Was he disgusted with her for not reporting the rape? For falling in love with a jerk? She kind of assumed Levi might try to convince her he could help her heal or some version of learning to trust him. He’d simply been there. In a way that screamed trust like nothing she’d ever felt, but did it? Had he decided she was too damaged and held her because he felt sorry for her, like a little child who has had a bad nightmare?
His eyes opened and he smiled lazily at her. “Good morning, sunshine.”
Caylee scrambled off of him and pushed at the hair that was frizzing around her face. “Is it?” she muttered.
Levi sat up and gave her a level stare. “Thank you for sharing with me.”
She nodded and looked away. His handsome face all humble and kind reeled her in faster than anything else she could imagine.
The bathroom door opened and Sage appeared a few seconds later. “Good morning. You two get any sleep?”
“Um, well ...” Levi looked embarrassed like he’d been caught stealing Sage’s chocolate stash.
Caylee hastened to reassure his open-mouthed sister, “We talked until kind of late but then we slept.”
Levi had this adorable grin on his face that intoned otherwise. Caylee glanced over his muscular chest and remembered how it had felt to be in his arms and her face went beet red. She excused herself to the bathroom, deciding she might stay there all day.
The entire day Caylee felt like she was in some sci-fi show and at any moment an alien was going to pop out and scare her. She didn’t know at which moment Levi would choose to want to talk more or to confide her secret to Cam or Sage, or how else he might react to her horrific info dump from the night before. What was she thinking pouring out her soul, then falling asleep in his arms? It didn’t get any more needy and lonely than that.
Levi was more relaxed and fun than ever. It was like they’d reversed roles and he was trying to help her not be the fun-sucker. Caylee tried hard that day and the next, knowing they didn’t have much time left in this incredible spot and wanting to enjoy every moment, but she was completely unsettled inside. Levi was careful around her. He didn’t attempt to kiss her again, and she hated that she yearned for his kiss so badly.
The night before they headed home, Caylee and Levi were trying to cook a “simple dinner” while Cam took Sage on a hike and swim before dinner. All they really had to do was open cans of chili, cut up some toppings and a fruit platter, and fry up dough for Navajo Tacos. They were quiet as they worked together. This was the first time they’d been alone since that night. Caylee was surprised that Levi hadn’t tried to corner her again, or kiss her for that matter. He’d been so insistent before, but since her revelation … nothing but patience and kindness.
Levi was chopping tomatoes while she poured oil in a pan, turned the burner on, then stretched the dough for the scones. A whoosh from the side of her drew her gaze then heat blasted in her face—a flaming pan full of oil and a pile of napkins spreading the nightmare.
“Help,” Caylee croaked, frozen, not sure what to do. Baking soda because it was grease, but would that put the paper towels out too?
Levi pushed her behind him, turned off the burner, slammed a lid down on the pan, then used the spatula to push the burning paper towels into the sink and spray them with water.
In a second, everything was back to normal. Caylee watched him in awe.
He turned to her. “Are you okay?”
She nodded, glancing down at her hands, but nothing was burned.
“Oh, Caylee.” He pulled her into a fierce hug.
“You react well in an emergency,” she squeaked out, thrilled to be in his arms again.
Levi glanced down at her with a wry smile. “Not bad for a rookie firefighter, huh?”
Caylee pushed up on tiptoes, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him. Levi responded, oh how he responded. His lips were warm and insistent and Caylee completely lost her head as she savored each second of his touch. Why hadn’t they been doing this the past two years? Levi’s kiss had the power to heal her.
Cam and Sage pushed through the sliding glass door and Levi released her quickly. Cam was giving them both questioning looks. Sage diffused the situation, wondering who had burned dinner. They all laughed about the story and Cam and Sage helped them clean up the mess and start over. Sage teased that they couldn’t cook anything without her, but there was a tension in the air and Caylee really just wanted to push Cam and Sage back out the door and kiss Levi again.
She wished they would’ve had time to talk, after they kissed for another hour or so. She had no clue what Levi was thinking and even though he’d been fun the past few days he’d definitely been careful with her—avoiding too much physical touch, while she was craving him. She’d initiated the kiss in the kitchen and who knew if his response was all physical or if he actually cared about her?
Levi lay still in the stifling heat, certain everyone else was asleep. His mind couldn’t seem to stop picturing Caylee being violated then left alone in a rainstorm. Stomach churning, he wished he could get rid of the images he’d created. How could some guy do that to her? To anyone?
He’d fallen in love with this fun, beautiful girl, but he didn’t know how to help her. His plan to be strong and teach her how to trust him was never going to work if she kissed him again. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t get physical with her until she fully trusted him emotionally, but holy crow when she kissed him, his rational mind left the houseboat.
Sweat poured down his chest and even though it was familiar to try to sleep in stifling heat like this, he was ready to get back to Park City and the coolness of the mountains. Ready to not be churned up about Caylee and seeing her every minute. Yet this vacation had been unreal being with her and learning how to be himself again. He’d lost happiness and joy in life throughout the last decade and Caylee had seemed to restore it in one week. What would a lifetime with her do for him? He shook his head. He couldn’t be selfish about this. It wasn’t about him. It was about Caylee and her overcoming a horrific attack. Would she ever be whole enough to have a relationship?
Soft footsteps and then a splash pulled him upright. A sliver of a moon gave him enough light to see that Cam and Sage were still in their spots. He smiled. Caylee. Pushing to his feet, he hurried to the rear of the houseboat and down the steps. Caylee was swimming out into the dark water.
“How’s the water?” he asked.
She gasped and whirled around. “Levi! You scared me.”
“Sorry.” And he was. He wanted to do everything in his power to help her not be scared.
“It’s okay. Just didn’t think anyone else was awake.” He couldn’t make out her face in the dim light.
He couldn’t sleep because of her. “Is there room out there for one more?”
She laughed softly. “It’s a big lake.”
It was all the invitation Levi needed. He slipped into the water and swam over toward her.
“Can’t believe it’s our last night,” she said wistfully.
“Yeah.” He wanted to talk about everything with her, tell her how he felt about her, but he knew his timing stunk and he was terrified he’d scare her away or become too controlling.
“Float therapy?” she asked, extending her hand to him.
Levi grinned and took her hand. “Thought you’d never ask.”
They lay back in the water, floating, and holding hands. Levi let himself relax and use the water a
s his pillow. He closed his eyes and dreamed of holding Caylee’s hand throughout life. Time passed lazily and it was only when his ears began to hurt from the water pressure that Levi knew he had to be done.
He dropped his legs and raised his head, kicking and swirling his hands to stay afloat. Caylee released his hand and sighed loudly. “Am I going to see you after tomorrow?”
Levi’s eyes widened. “Of course you are. You think you could get rid of me?”
“I hope not,” she whispered. “I have a favor to ask.”
Levi’s heart sped up. “Anything, Caylee.”
“Would you teach me self-defense?”
“What?”
A few seconds passed before she started talking fast, “I’ve taken quite a few self-defense classes in college and after, but it doesn’t seem to work. When I get in a situation, I freeze. Like a couple days ago when that guy from the other boat grabbed me.”
“When I came?” That was almost a week ago, but still made him fume inside.
“No. The next time.”
“There was a next time?” Frustration rolled through him.
“When I swam off the back so I … wouldn’t have to talk to you and then you kissed me on the rise.”
“Oh.” His stomach tightened in anger. She’d told him she’d seen the guy again, but Levi had assumed she wanted to see him and hadn’t gotten the details. “He grabbed you again?”
“Yes.”
“Can I go thump him right now?”
Caylee touched his arm, giving a nervous laugh. “I think they sailed away earlier.”
“Lucky for him,” Levi muttered.
“Anyway, he let me go after I threatened that you would come, but I hate how I freeze. I’ve learned all the moves I should do, but I can never do them. Does that make sense?”
“I can work with you.” He liked the idea of having a reason to spend more time with her and that she’d initiated it. “But you can never determine how someone responds in an emergency. Some people do react quickly and others freeze.”
“It would help me a lot to know I’ve at least done all I can to protect myself.”
Reluctant Rescue (Park City Firefighter Romance) Page 10