by Isabella
“Claire, I feel like I owe this to Mike. He was a good officer and a good friend and now I think I am falling in love with his wife.” Nic’s eyes started to tear as she felt Claire pull her close.
“Claire, please…I just need to do this. I mean—”
“Shh, Nic, I know. I don’t know what to say. I love your sense of honor and duty. No one expects you to do this. Not me, and certainly not Mike.”
“Claire, we need to talk before I leave. I know when I get back things will be crazy and we won’t have any time to talk about things. I need to tell—”
Nic felt her lips covered by Claire’s fingers as Claire silenced her plea.
“Nic, I don’t want you to say something that you might regret later.”
Frustrated, Nic blurted out, “Claire didn’t you hear what I said? I said I am falling in love with you.”
Pulling back, Nic looked into Claire’s eyes and wasn’t sure what she was seeing. Had she been the only one that was feeling this way? Didn’t Claire feel it, too, or was she just a brief diversion back into the gay lifestyle for Claire?
Claire’s eyes were wide and her hand was pressed to her mouth. She stared at Nic silently.
Steeling herself against the rejection, Nic adjusted her uniform. “Perhaps you’re right. It has been a stressful time for both of us. I’m sorry, Claire. I need to go. I leave for Dover in half an hour and I need to make sure the arrangements are ready for my arrival.”
Turning, she looked at Claire one more time, knowing that it might be the last time she and Claire were alone together.
“Please kiss Grace goodbye for me and I’ll let you know when Mike is back.”
Without missing a beat, Nic hit the door at almost a full run. She didn’t want Claire to see her lose what little control she still had, her eyes betraying her feelings for Claire.
As Nic closed the door she heard Claire whisper, “Nic, please, wait. I—”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Nic sat in the noisy Marine transport plane, feeling the vibrations from the engines reverberate through her body as it came to a stop on the tarmac. Nic had been briefed about what was expected of her when she landed- how to transport Mike’s body, what to do with his effects. They also covered how to handle any issues that might arise from the transportation of the flag draped casket. She had never done this before. It was usually an enlisted member that accompanied a service member’s body home, even an officer’s. Nic gathered her overnight bag and her briefcase with the documents authorizing her to accept Mike’s body on behalf of the Marine Corps and Mike’s family.
Nic got off the transport and heard her name called. “Major Caldwell?”
Turning, she saw a young sergeant approach her and snap to a salute. “Major Caldwell.”
Saluting back, she looked the young sergeant up and down noticing that either she was getting older or the Marines were promoting grade-schoolers to sergeant. “Sergeant Kelly, is it?”
“Yes ma’am. I am here to take you to briefing and the release. You’re here to pick up Capt. Monroe, is that correct?”
“Yes, Sergeant. Lead the way.” Dipping her head in a direction that lead away from the still thrumming engines of the transport, she allowed the sergeant to take her overnight bag and escort her to the waiting standard issue military sedan.
“We rarely have an officer escort a body. Was he someone special, Major?”
Nic looked briefly at the young man and then squinted against the sun. Nic slid her sunglasses on. “He was to his family, Sergeant.”
“Yes ma’am.”
Nic watched as they off-loaded a flag-draped casket from a transport. Looking inside the transport as they passed, she saw several more caskets inside the underbelly of the airplane. This was the part she never saw when her crew was sent home, the pomp and circumstance afforded everyone who died in combat. She watched as the uniformed personnel walked in synchronized step carrying the flag draped coffin to the waiting hearse. She bit her lip and she felt tears start to cloud her vision and a sniffle escaped her.
“Sad, isn’t it.”
“Excuse me.” Wiping her eyes she continued to watch as white-gloved hands passed the casket into the hearse. A salute was rendered, the doors closed, and another hearse took up position to accept another fallen service member. These were the images that the president didn’t want the world to see. Each flag draped casket represented a family that had made the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Each casket held a dream that would never be realized, a son or daughter that would never see a parent again, and a life that would never reach its full potential.
The conversation between Nic and Sergeant Kelly was casual and informative as he briefed Nic on what to expect. She had learned that the day Mike came in, they had one of their busiest days, making it tough to get to all the service members in a timely fashion. Losing Mike had put him at the top of the priority list and for that she was grateful.
Nic was escorted into a room and asked to wait as Sergeant Kelly alerted staff of her arrival. While Nic waited, she thought about her last conversation with Claire and how it had gone so wrong. Was Claire right? Was Nic just caught up in the stress of the moment? No. She was falling in love with Claire and she thought that maybe, just maybe, Claire was feeling the same way, too.
“Major Caldwell, good afternoon. I’m Major Latner.” A short man in BDU’s extended his hand.
“Major Latner.”
“I have Capt. Monroe’s personal belongings here. Shall we go over them and inventory them?” he asked, motioning Nic to sit down. Major Latner spread the contents of the envelope on the table.
Looking at what was spread before her, she realized she was seeing the only things Mike probably had on him when he died. Nic felt as if she was invading Mike’s privacy as she looked at the wallet, dog tags, a box with a Purple Heart, a box with an Air Medal, a crucifix, and an envelope with a red stain smeared across it. Reaching for the envelope, she hesitated as her fingers brushed the stain. It appeared to be blood.
“The envelope contains a letter addressed to a Grace and a Claire. We figured it was to his wife and someone else. We don’t usually read them when we find them. We just have to make sure it isn’t an important DOD document. Then we put it back. There are also a couple of pictures in it, too.”
“It’s his daughter and wife,” Nic whispered as she touched the envelope again.
“Excuse me?”
“Grace, Grace is Mike’s daughter and Claire is his wife.” Nic could feel the tears fall as she realized that Mike would never see his little girl again. She thought about her own crew as she caressed the envelope and tucked it inside her jacket. Had their families received similar items from their loved ones? Had someone handed them a packet of belongings like they were delivering the mail?
“Oh. Well, he wrote them letters. Major, you can put that back in here if you like.”
“No, if you don’t mind I would like to personally deliver this,” she said, patting her chest where the letter lay protected. “I know his wife and daughter and I would like to make sure someone who cares delivers it. We can put everything else in there though.” Nic handed Major Latner the rest of Mike’s personal things and watched as he closed the envelope.
“Here is a flag for the casket. Now, if you will sign for everything, I will take you to Capt. Monroe and we can load him up for transport.”
Nic was taken to a row of caskets and watched as they verified the tag on the casket with the label on the packet. They scanned both labels and then handed her the packet.
“Major Latner? Could you please open the casket?”
“Major Caldwell you can’t be serious. I don’t recommend that you or his family view Capt. Monroe’s remains. He took a lot of damage and he shouldn’t have an open casket funeral.”
“Sir, I need to make sure that this is Capt. Monroe. Trust me, I don’t want to do it but I think, considering the circumstances, we need to make sure it is Capt. Monroe.”
“Major…”
“Please, Major Latner. I want to be able to tell his family that it is him.”
“If you feel you must.”
Motioning to an enlisted man, Major Latner unscrewed the lid of the casket and lifted it enough so Nic could look inside. Inside was Mike’s body, his face bruised with a long stitched wound across it. He wore the dress blue uniform jacket of a Marine Corps officer, a chest full of medals, his purple heart and a bronze star the latest additions to his awards, and his blue slacks finishing off his appearance. Nic nodded to the enlisted man and watched as they ratcheted down the casket lid for the final time.
“We clean them up, get a uniform custom made, and then add all of his ribbons and medals. Added, of course, are his Purple Heart and Air Medal. You’ll notice that we also provide one of each for his family. Well, Major, if you’re satisfied we will load him for transport.”
Nodding, Nic set her briefcase and overnight bag down as she watched the Major call over six Marines to carry Mike to the waiting SUV. With military precision and bearing, each Marine addressed the casket and upon command reached down slowly and lifted Mike’s casket chest high. Nic could feel her throat tighten as she snapped to attention and slowly raised her right hand in salute as they loaded Mike into the SUV. Eyes forward, she watched as each member of the detail passed the casket forward and into the vehicle. Slowly, she lowered her salute as the doors to the SUV closed and the detail was dismissed. She grabbed her and Mike’s belongings, thanked Major Latner and made her way to the waiting vehicle.
On her way to the airport, she thought about whether she should tell Claire she had requested to see, Mike’s body. She had wanted to make sure that it was him. She didn’t want Claire to have to endure any more problems just in case the military made another mistake and had given her someone else’s body by accident. She was glad she had checked, and that she could tell Claire with no doubt it was him.
When they reached the smaller transport plane that would take them almost all the way to San Diego, Nic watched as the same process started all over again as they took the casket and loaded it onto the plane. Once inside, Nic stowed her belongings under the webbing under her seat and took the flag out of its protective case. Laying the flag on the casket, she began to unfurl it. Placing the stars at the head and over Mike’s left shoulder. She opened the flag to its full width and length and then began the process of draping the casket.
“Ma’am, would you like me to do that for you?” asked a private who was moving towards her.
“No Private, thank you. I think I can manage,” Nic said as she folded one corner down and over and secured it in place. Standing, Nic snapped to attention and saluted the flag draped casket. She watched out of the corner of her eye as several other service members snapped to attention and saluted. Lowering her salute, she noticed the other service members still at attention.
“At ease.” Nic gave the other service members a small smile. “Thank you.”
Each one nodded and went back to their duties as Nic sat down and tried to get comfortable in the web seating.
“Major, you can sit in the cabin. We have seating up there,” said a young service member.
“Thank you, but here is fine,” Nic said as she looked at Mike’s casket. “I’ll be fine.”
Nic wasn’t sure if the crew understood or not, but she didn’t want to leave Mike’s body. She had said she would escort it and that was exactly what she would do. Taking her service cap off, a member of the crew brought a blanket out to Nic and told her that it would get pretty cold when they got to altitude.
Nick reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the envelope she had tucked inside for safe keeping. Looking at the blood smear across it, she wondered if Mike had suffered. What were his last thoughts? Were they of Grace and Claire or were they on survival? Flipping the envelope over three pictures slid out, one of Grace, one of Mike and Grace and one of Mike and a guy Nic didn’t recognize. Nic picked up the two pictures of Grace and smiled as she looked at a happy little girl and a happy dad with his daughter. Nic smiled as she placed the two pictures back in the envelope. Then she gave the last one a hard look. Mike and the guy were in civilian clothes and were in a “buddy pose”, the kind that guys goofing around took when they had too much to drink. Something struck Nic as odd as she continued to look at the photo of the two men. Was he a fellow officer or perhaps a contract civilian that worked over in Iraq?
Nic studied the picture wondering why Mike had put this one with his pictures of Grace. Something didn’t seem right, but Mike was gone and no one could answer that question except the guy in the picture. Nic slid the picture into her outer jacket pocket and the envelope with the letter and pictures of Grace into her inside pocket for safe keeping. Nic wondered why Mike didn’t have any pictures of Claire in his personal possessions. Even if he were just “keeping up appearances”, he should have had at least one picture of his wife.
Looking at the casket she thought about Mike and the life he was able to enjoy before he died. Mike had everything she wanted in life, a military career, a beautiful wife and daughter, and he was on the fast track to promotion with his two tours in Iraq. What had she spent the last ten years of her life for? She couldn’t marry, she would never have what Mike had, and she almost gave her life for what? “Don’t ask, don’t tell” really meant don’t be happy, don’t be who you really are. She was here and Mike was lying in a casket and come to find out he was gay, too.
Nic wanted what Mike had, and to get it she had to make a choice. She sighed as she thought of Claire, absently stroking the letter through her jacket pocket. Nic hadn’t planned on falling in love with Claire. She had just been asked to help out a friend’s family, but it had happened. As long as Nic was a Marine, she couldn’t offer Claire anything. Heck, she couldn’t offer herself a shot at happiness for that matter. They had talked about the future but in vague terms, neither wanting to ask the real question—what if? Nic knew Claire would never ask her to get out for her sake. Claire was selfless when it came to someone else’s happiness. No, Claire wasn’t that type of person, which is why Nic had fallen in love with her. Now Nic just needed to find out if Claire loved her. If she did, Nic had to get out of the military, plain and simple.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Claire sat on the front porch watching Grace play on the lawn. Her mind wandered back to the day Nic left. Nic had told her she loved her, and all Claire could think to do was chalk it up to stress. God how stupid could I be? Why hadn’t she just told Nic the truth? That she was falling in love with her, too. Because Nic had her whole career ahead of her, and Claire couldn’t be part of that journey with her and she knew it. She wasn’t going to ask Nic to give up everything she worked so hard for just for her. She wasn’t going to take advantage of Nic’s feelings. As soon as she buried Mike, she had thirty days to clear quarters and start her new life and Nic couldn’t be part of that life. No, she had been right not to tell Nic how she felt. Claire heard the door shut behind her and turned to see Jordan offering her a cup of coffee.
“Hey you.Whatcha thinking about?”
“Hey Jor. Nothing.” Sipping her coffee, Claire stared at Grace as she somersaulted on the lawn, giggling.
“How come I don’t believe you, kitten?”
“Because you know me so well?”
Jordan put an arm around Claire’s shoulders and pulled her close. “What’s wrong sweetie? Is it Nic?”
Claire laid her head on her friend’s shoulder and shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I might have screwed things up.”
Jordan thought back to the day Nic went to look for Claire on her bike. “I don’t think you can get rid of tall, dark and gorgeous that easily. But it must have been pretty bad if you think she’s gone. What did you say?”
Claire rehashed the conversation she had with Nic. Thinking about it only succeeded in making her feel worse. Claire started to tear up at how she had downplayed Nic’s revelation tha
t she was in love with her.
“I was so callous, Jordan. I completely dismissed her feelings,” Claire said, staring at her hands.
“Well, maybe you’re scared, kitten.”
“What do mean? Scared of what?”
“Let me ask you this. Do you like her?”
“Of course. She’s wonderful, smart, sexy as hell and let’s not forget she looks hot in that uniform. What’s not to like? Then there is Grace to think about, Nic is great with Grace. You should have seen them the night Nic came to tell me about the Marine Corps losing Mike’s body. I found her asleep with Grace in the rocking chair. They were so cute together. Like mother and child. Besides, she loves Grace and Grace loves her. Oh Jordan, what am I going to do?” Claire plucked a piece of grass growing between the stones and rolled it absently between her fingers.
“Okay, so don’t answer this right away, but is it possible that you are falling in love with her, too? Now, answer honestly. It’s just you and me here.”
Claire closed her eyes and started to rub her temples. Hadn’t she just told herself that she thought she was falling for Nic? So why was it so hard to admit it out loud? It wasn’t like Jordan was going to tell her little secrets. Even if she did, what did it matter now that Mike was gone and soon, Nic would be too?
“You’re right, I am scared, Jor.” She was scared Nic would pick the military over her. Scared that if she let Nic know how she really felt that it wouldn’t really matter to her. Hadn’t Mike chosen his career over his family? Not that what she wanted with Nic was the same as what she had with Mike. Convenience versus love, the two things couldn’t be more different than heaven and hell.
“Do you love her, Claire?”
“Yeah, I do. And I know she has a career here and that I can’t be part of that. So if I tell her how I feel, I’m just opening myself up to be hurt.” Claire buried her face in her crossed arms and started to cry.