Falling Forward

by Dawn Robertson

  I think about it for a minute and really don’t have an answer. Back in the day it would be something like having a hundred thousand dollars in the bank account, with a new home, pool, and maybe thoughts of having a baby, with or without a man. But so much has changed, I really don’t know what I want.

  “Honestly. I have no idea. I used to have all these preconceived notions of what I should want out of life, but with all the ups and downs and changes over the past month, I honestly have no idea what I want. I guess at the end of the day… I just want to be happy. Preferably not alone.” For someone who spends so much time alone, I really do hate being by myself. It’s an ugly feeling.

  “Being alone is a shitty feeling,” he adds.

  We leave the conversation there and make our way toward the exit. The heaviness of the conversation slowly leaves us, as we walk to the trolley stop across the square from Goose Feathers.

  “So, I bought us two tickets for the trolley tour. We can get on and off at any stop you want. Just let me know,” he says with a smile. “We are going to see a lot of cool stuff today, I’ll point out a little more than the trolley drivers do, but they have some neat info about the area as well. Is there anything you want to see specifically?”

  I just shake my head. “I’m up for whatever. Remember, you are supposed to be the tour guide for the day.” We both laugh, standing on the side of the road waiting for the next trolley to show up. They run every fifteen minutes at all the stops around the city, which makes it easy to make your way from one end to the other. I space out looking at all the little shops in the area surrounding the cafe. There is a little dog park, a watering station for the dogs, and all kinds of neat hipster art shoppes, and whatnot. Definitely something I’d love to explore more in depth.

  When I come to, Liam is standing there looking down at me, sunglasses covering his eyes, just taking in every inch of me. Normally I would feel him watching me, but everything with him is just ever so slightly different. In the past I would freak out, but I just don’t care with him.

  “See something you like?” I’m taken aback by my own boldness, but I guess deep down inside I’m still a woman that has been desperately longing for the attention of a man like him for so long.

  “Actually, I do,” his hand comes to rest on my chin, as my eyes look up to meet his, both covered by our dark glasses. He begins to lean down and his warm lips press against mine. I close my eyes and savor the feeling of his lips on mine, as my free hand finds his wild hair. My fingers smoothly make passage as his tongue slowly parts my closed lips, opening me up to him. We get lost in the moment, only coming back to reality when the bell from the trolley interrupts the slight make-out session we had started. My heart hammers against my chest and for the first time in ages, I finally feel alive.

  Hours flew by as we took in so many sites across the city. Forsyth park, the Telfair Hospital, The Pirate House, almost every inch of the remaining twenty-two squares across the city. Towards the end of the tour we passed by Columbia Square, and I knew we were going to go right past my house. The house I would be closing on this coming week. I debated on telling him, or keeping it to myself, but I couldn't help myself. It’s just so beautiful, and I have absolutely no one but Violet to share the news with.

  “Can you keep a secret?” I ask him.

  “Why do I feel like this is going to get dirty fast?” he teases.

  “That house…” I point at the giant Colonial home as the trolley slowly passes down the busy street. “I just bought it…”

  “No fucking way! You bought the Francis Stone house?” he looks at me in disbelief. His mouth slightly hangs open as he stares at me. I’m sure he probably thinks I am lying through my teeth.

  “Yeah, I close this coming week. I’m just waiting for the final paperwork,” I laugh, half embarrassed by my admission. “But please don’t think differently of me because of this,” I add. I don’t want him to look at me like I am some rich girl, because even though I’ve struck gold, it isn’t who I am.

  “Why would I think any differently of you?” he asks, genuinely confused.

  “I don’t know, I’m not some stuck up rich girl or anything.” I shrug my shoulders.

  “Oh, Luna. I’d never think that of you. You are the most down to earth girl I’ve met since moving to Savannah. Why else do you think I hang out with a bunch of gay guys? I mean, they are tons of fun but the girls around here are just… meh.” I can’t help but laugh at the look on his face when he says meh.

  “It took me a couple days to know that was the right one for me. Once I walked inside it yesterday, I knew it was my new home.” I can’t wait to actually be able to move in and start making Savannah my home. It’s been difficult to live out of a hotel, I continuously forget things I need in the valet parked car I can never find. I just want to be able to walk into my bathroom and find my damn lotion.

  “Once you are all moved in, I’m definitely going to need a full tour,” he laughs and wraps his arm around my shoulder on the trolley seat. “What do you say we get off at the next stop? We can grab some ice cream at Leopold’s.”

  “You really know the way to my heart, don’t you?” I laugh, as the trolley starts to pull up to the next stop. It’s a church on a side street, close to the E Broughton Street establishment.

  “It is a Savannah classic. I’d feel like I was doing you a disservice if I wasn’t the one to bring you here for the first time.” He smiles, and its genuine and warm. It’s something I’ve never been on the receiving end of on a first date. It is barely past noon and the line is already starting to form down the hot Savannah sidewalk.

  The day passed by in a blur of treats, sightseeing, and Forrest Gump filming spots. The diner that Jenny worked at, the bench that Forrest sat on telling the story of his life–everything. I couldn’t have had a better day with better company, if I asked for it. By the end of the trolley tour we stopped at The Pirate House for a drink, then made the walk back to my hotel. The entire walk back, I thought about how I would approach the rest of the evening. Would I invite him in to come up to my room? Would I say goodbye and let him go on his way for the night? What would be the right first move to make after such an amazing day?

  The whole day was just easy going. Our conversation never once became forced, and it seemed like we were just old friends. The entire time, I continued to skate around the whole topic of Liam being married to a man for the past few years. The situation is just something you don’t come across frequently, but would it be rude for me to ask about it? I’ve always been uncomfortable with any kind of social conflict. I’m careful about overstepping my boundaries with new people, especially if I want them to stick around.

  I get lost inside my head, like usual, and only find myself coming back to as we walk up to the front of the Bohemian. We both stop, holding hands and look at each other like neither of us know what to do next. We definitely aren’t done spending time with each other, but it’s been hours.

  “So, I guess this is my stop,” I laugh one of those uncomfortable laughs. You know, the one where you sound like you may be choking on something at the same time. It’s embarrassing, but I’m so used to making an ass out of myself I’m not surprised.

  “Yes, it is. But I’m afraid I’m trying to think of other things we can go do, just to have some more time with you.” It’s refreshing to know he is feeling the same way right now. Sometimes it’s just hard to read a situation, and even harder to know what the right thing is to do.

  “Do you want to come up to my room? We can just chill for a little bit, sit out on the balcony, or whatever.” I shrug, trying to make it seem like it’s nothing sexual. We are both adults, but I also don’t want Liam to think I’m the giant slut I can totally be.

  “I’d love to,” he says, and we head into the lobby of the hotel, still holding hands as we wait for the elevator then wait for it to drop us off at my floor. I’m ever so slightly embarrassed when I open the door. I rushed out this morning in a hurry,
completely forgetting to pick up the shit I’ve strewn about the hotel room. I can’t say I’m the neatest person out there.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting company,” I laugh. “Why don’t we go sit out on the balcony?” I suggest, waiting for him to walk past me so I can kick my bra under the bed. Laundry has never been my strong suit, and I haven’t taken advantage of the laundry services within the hotel just yet. Oops.

  “No big deal, really. I’ve lived with, like, four blokes at once, it wasn’t pretty. Nice bra by the way,” he laughs. I guess he saw that.

  “What can I say? I love some Victoria Secret,” I give it back to him, as we sit down in the two chairs on the balcony overlooking the Savannah River.

  “This is a really lovely view,” Liam says, looking over the river as the sun starts to slowly set behind the bridge.

  “I’ve been spending a good portion of my stay out here. I do love the outdoors, even with the humidity this time of the year.” I may not be the hiking type, but I can get down with laying on a beach for the day, just baking in the sun.

  “I don’t blame you. I’d spend all of my time here.”

  “So, I have to ask you how you came to marry Christopher?” The word vomit spills from my mouth before my brain has a chance to catch up. It’s a problem I’ve tried to overcome since I was a little girl. Unfortunately, I’m still looking for a solution to the problem. Liam lets out a laugh and I know I didn’t cross a line. Thank God!

  “Well, it really is a long story so I guess I will start at the beginning,” he starts his story, as I kick off the sneakers my poor feet have been captive in all day, and let my piggies breathe. “Christopher and I were roommates our freshman year at SCAD. He had come out to his parents before he left for school and they didn’t seem to take it very well. You would think they wouldn’t have been so shocked, I mean their son was going to an art college,” he laughs. The reference goes over my head, but meeting Christopher in person it’s hard to believe anyone would be shocked that he was gay.

  “Sometimes parents just aren’t cool with shit like that I guess. I’ve never really had to have a talk like that with my parents, because I love adorable girls with long brown hair and amazing smiles. But, it was hard to explain my immigration game to my mother.” He smiles. “At that point in time, it was anything to stay here and keep my job. I had been there for him in those scary early years at school, and he wanted to help me any way that he could. I didn’t realize how much my simple and genuine friendship could mean to someone. I’m sure he would kill me for telling you some of this, but he had contemplated suicide because of everything that took place. It got way better when he met Edward. Those two were really meant to be together,” he rambles on, and I just listen attentively. “But at the end of the day, I would consider myself bi-sexual. While I prefer the company of women, I’ve been known to get down with a guy or two in my day. I like who I like, man or woman.”

  He motions for me to kick my sweaty feet up into his lap, and reluctantly I do. After all the miles we explored today, I can only imagine they are one step away from cheese-feet. He doesn’t take no for an answer though, slowly beginning to massage the arches of my sore feet.

  “A lot changed when Edward came into the picture. For the better for sure, but I found myself less occupied by work and longing more for companionship. Which created a huge hurdle for us, because we were pretending to be this happy gay couple. I felt like a burden being in the middle of their relationship, but I ended up getting a second amazing friend in Ed. He’s gone through a lot, too. They really are meant to be together. And now here I am, praying one day I will be able to find someone I can look at the way they look at each other.” I almost feel sad for him, because I know what it’s like to be that lonely.

  My brain is short circuiting with the simple touch of his hands on my feet. I close my eyes and let my head fall backwards. I may or may not let out a quiet moan, but I think my give a damn has flown out the window.

  “I admire what Christopher did for you. That really is the mark of a good friendship. You are lucky to have people in your life that care that much.” It reminds me that I don’t have that luxury. I’ve had passing acquaintances over the years, but no friends like that. Violet doesn’t count, she’s blood. She has to have that kind of loyalty. Lucy, on the other hand, didn’t seem to get that gene, unless it’s her husband Kent’s family.

  “I am definitely a lucky guy,” he agrees.

  “I’m sorry I’m quiet, that just feels so good. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good foot massage.” What I leave out is the fact that it was at a nail salon by a woman named Becky.

  “It’s a specialty of mine. That and a badass back massage.” My ears perk up at those magic words.

  “I may have to take you up on that one of these days,” I flirt back. I’m not really sure where this is going, but I really like the direction it’s headed.

  “Go inside and get naked. I’ll give you the best back massage you’ve ever had.” My half-lidded eyes fly open at his instructions.

  “What?!” I gasp.

  “That came out wrong,” he laughs, his face beginning to turn beet red. “Get naked, cover up with a sheet, and leave your back exposed. You gotta get comfy to enjoy it. No funny business.” He puts his hands up in surrender. “As much as I would like otherwise, I’ll behave.”

  “You are serious?” I ask him, still in shock.

  “You silly American’s and your weird nudity hang ups!” he laughs. “No funny business,” he says again. I sit there for a minute thinking about what I should do. Should I? Should I just let go of giving a shit and finally live my best life? What is the worst that could happen?

  “You are overthinking it,” he interrupts my thoughts. “Ya know, forget the offer. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable at all. I overstepped,” he apologizes, and without a word I walk into the room, still in view and strip. First, I toss my top, and bra to the side while facing away from him. I’m dying to look over my shoulder at his reaction. I’m sure it’s priceless. It takes everything in me to continue. I drop my shorts to the floor, exposing my bare ass.

  I can hear a gasp behind me, but I continue on my mission by pulling back the comforter on the bed and exposing the thin white linen sheet. I slip under the sheet, covering only up to my waist, and wait. A minute goes by before I feel the need to taunt Liam. He taunted me into this position and now he has cold feet? Ha!

  “Scared of something?” I laugh from across the room.

  “Trying to calm myself down so I don’t make a fool of myself,” he laughs from the balcony doorway. I close my eyes and wait. Wait for the bed to shift. Wait for his touch. Wait for something I’ve been longing for. Eventually he makes his move, kicking his shoes off and I can feel him climb onto the bed. His legs straddle over my body, coming to a rest below my ass.

  “Is this okay?” he asks, as I can feel his hardness pressing against the crack of my ass though his pants.

  “Yes,” I respond, as my mind continues to run wild in every direction but a massage.

  His hands slowly start to rub my back, starting with my lower back and working his way up. The touch is downright magical. I’ve had professional masseuses over the years, but this takes the cake by far. I close my eyes again and just allow my body to feel. The touch of his fingers gliding all over my back, to my neck sends shivers through my entire body.

  “You weren’t lying,” I say with my face smooshed against the pillows, enjoying every minute of this. I feel a shift in his weight and his lips are close to my ear, his body blanketing mine. His hot breath making contact with my cool skin.

  “You have no idea how much I am enjoying this.” I want to laugh, because I can feel just how much he is enjoying it. His hardness pressed up against his poor pants, restraining him. My body is mirroring his adult reactions. My pussy is downright begging for him. It’s been months and I’m in complete overload.

  “It’s been so long…” I say withou
t the ability to finish my sentence. My brain has just stopped working. I officially has the dumb.

  “It’s taking everything in me not to be naughty,” Liam says. With that British accent and my body about to spontaneously combust, I make a move. I just can’t hold back any longer. Slutty or not, I need him. Rolling to the side, he lifts his weight as I change positions onto my back, exposing my bare breasts that were pressed up against the mattress minutes ago. His eyes widen with surprise as his lips search up my neck, only coming to a stop once they’ve reached my mouth.

  “We can’t do this,” he says, breaking his lips away from mine.

  “Why not?” I ask, pulling at the button of his pants.

  “I want to… don’t get me wrong,” he says, biting his bottom lip, which drives me a little more goddamn crazy.

  “I want you,” I say, mirroring his lip-biting and starting to blush. I’m one step away from begging this man to have sex with me. Is that what my life has come to?

  “Are you sure?”

  “We’re adults, right? We like each other. Why not?” We are having this conversation while I am laying under the weight of his body, with only a thin sheet in between us. I mean, I think we’ve basically gotten to the point of no return.

  “Fuck it,” he says, meeting my lips with his again, as they part to explore my mouth. Our hands are on auto-pilot. His clothes are being pulled at, and tossed to the floor. Our mouths only parting when his shirt comes off. My hands go back to tugging on the button of his pants, slowly working the zipper with care. I’m shocked when this dick springs forward, no boxers in sight.

  “Commando, huh?” I giggle, because I do the same most days.

  “What can I say? I hate boxers.” He pulls the sheet back, exposing my naked body on display for the taking. Letting out a throaty growl, he buries his face between my legs. Kissing up and down my thighs, before using his tongue to slowly part the lips of my pussy. Waves of pleasure crash through my entire body, shaking under his touch. I close my eyes and allow myself to feel every little bit of pleasure, as he goes down on me like a champ.