How stupid could she be? Her thing with Montalvo, or whatever it was, was all an illusion, all a mirage, all for show, a short movie that ended suddenly and left her sitting in the dark. But with Esteban, no. She couldn’t stand it anymore. He could not get away with letting their lives fade away like ink on paper. She needed him to decide. Was he with her or not? Was he going to fight for her or not? Did he want her, or was he just waiting for her to give up? Así no. That was not how it was going to work. Not anymore, Ana decided.
She pulled into the lot at the same time as Esteban and she motioned for him to get in her car. He was surprised but did as she instructed. La ’Onda was always small for him, and he had to fold up his legs to fit inside.
“So, who is that boy?” Esteban asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Por qué no? I expect you to be in charge of these things!” Esteban said.
“You don’t get to be mad about this! You have had all this time to be involved and you’ve stayed as far away as possible, and now you want to make your grand entrance? Now you have something to say?”
“I thought this was for you and Carmen!”
“I can’t do it all!” Ana screamed. “You don’t get to check out because it’s inconvenient or you’re tired or you just don’t want to anymore!”
Esteban was uncomfortable, looking out the window, wondering if anyone could hear Ana.
“Lower your voice,” he hissed.
“What do you want, Esteban?”
“Qué?”
“What do you want? What do you want from me that I haven’t given you already?”
“No sé qué—”
“You know what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about Carmen or the quinceañera. I’m talking about us! What do you want?”
Esteban sighed a long, heavy sigh that was part frustration, part embarrassment, part fear, but most of all, a recognition that that huge, thunderous cloud that he knew would find him one day had arrived to rain down on him, hard.
“You, you are the mother of my children,” he said.
“But what do you want! I am the woman you married, the woman you are still married to. Tell me what you want!”
“Ay, Ana. You’re a good woman.”
“That doesn’t tell me what you want! All I’m asking is for you to be honest.”
Esteban saw that Ana was not going to let this go, and because she was the mother of his children, because he respected her, and because he knew he wanted to do the right thing, he sat up, trying to decide how to answer her. He tried to find the right words, but nothing was coming, and it only made Ana more furious.
“After all this time, can you please be honest with me? What do you want? Is that too hard? Let me make it simple for you: Do you love me?”
Because he felt trapped and confused, the only two words that said it all fell from his mouth like a stone:
“I did.”
Ana couldn’t breathe. She closed her eyes and her face twisted into a sick expression. Esteban reached for her hand, but she didn’t respond. She let him hold her hand, and she almost remembered how she felt when they first held hands, but it was a stale memory that faded before it could become bittersweet. Esteban could have been holding the hand of a corpse. The life, the newness, the verdant anticipation Ana had was drying up like the flor de peñasco next to her bed. She decided right then she was going to throw it away as soon as she got home.
“I want to do what’s right,” Esteban said. “I don’t know how to make things right with you, but if you want me to be honest, if that’s the only way, all I know is—I wanted to be your man. I wanted to be your man, real, real bad. I knew that when I first saw you. I knew it would be hard, but I tried. I tried, Ana. I wanted your man to be me, but I’m not him.”
Ana opened her eyes and was surprised at what she saw. Customers walked in and out of the restaurant. A starling landed on a telephone wire, then flew away. A huge truck rumbled through the parking lot behind them. A dishwasher hauled a bag of trash from the restaurant to the Dumpster under a tree, then stood in the shade to smoke a cigarette. Someone drove by with his car stereo rattling the windows as he cruised down the street. And the sun kept shining. And the sky was still blue. And the clouds didn’t explode. And the planets didn’t spin out of the galaxy. Gravity continued to work as it always had. The world hadn’t collapsed. That this painful, raw moment had no effect on the world was both comforting and stunning to Ana.
“Here,” Esteban said, handing Ana a small velvet pouch. “It’s from the jeweler.” Ana opened the pouch and pulled out a necklace. Muy delicate and lovely.
“It’s for Carmen. I told the jeweler to make it from your ring. I thought we should give it to her, you know, for the quince—but I think maybe you should keep it.”
So, that’s what was taking the jeweler so long. She poured the necklace back in the pouch and dropped it near the gearshift between them. “Shouldn’t you be giving that to your woman?” she asked sharply.
Esteban cringed. He picked up the pouch and put it back in his pocket.
“So, that’s it?” Ana asked numbly. “You’re in love with her now?”
“No,” Esteban said. “But I got to do what’s right, because, you know.”
“No, I don’t know,” Ana said. “Tell me.”
“Ella está embarazada,” Esteban said. “Pregnant.”
“I know what it means,” Ana said.
That was about as much honesty as Ana could take for one day.
TWENTY-ONE
Ana did not plan on taking time off before the quinceañera, but after that day with Montalvo and then Esteban, she couldn’t make herself go to work on Monday. Tuesday was no better, and by Wednesday she told herself she might as well take the week. Why not? She had plenty of vacation time, and they didn’t need her anyway. Beatriz had taken up the damage control over the Montalvo resignation and was too busy to talk to Ana for long.
“We’re talking about a counteroffer,” Beatriz told Ana over a quick phone call between meetings. “Do you think he’ll take it?”
“I don’t know,” Ana said.
“But it couldn’t hurt to ask?”
“It never hurts to ask.”
Beatriz was about to hang up the phone when Ana stopped her.
“Hey—I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“I thought—I thought …”
“Hey, we all thought,” Beatriz said. “It’s not you. These things happen. I would have liked for it to happen before I took my shot with the lege. There are only so many bites you can take from the apple. But really, Ana, don’t take this all on yourself. It’s not necessary.”
“Okay.”
“Everything going okay with the quince?” Beatriz asked.
“For the most part.”
“Are you all right?”
“Yes,” Ana lied. “Don’t worry about me.”
The relatives began to arrive on Thursday afternoon, and many of them stayed at Marcos’s house. Word had got around that Ana was not up for visitors, and besides, where would she put them? The Ruiz house was overrun with quinceañera supplies. But the relatives may as well have been in Ana’s house. With Marcos out of town again and Bianca moving between houses and off to “run errands,” the guests always needed something, and they all seemed to have Ana on speed dial.
“Ana, where’s the toilet paper?”
“Ana, how do you turn on the AC? It’s too hot.”
“Ana, where are the blankets? It’s too cold.”
“You should ask Bianca,” Ana told them.
Bianca had been going back and forth between the two houses, and Ana couldn’t understand why the relatives kept calling her.
“She’s not here and she’s not answering her phone,” was the answer. Ana knew she had to get to the bottom of Bianca’s disappearing act once and for all.
“Do you know where Bianca is?” Ana asked her kids, as they were
on their way out to the rehearsal at the reception hall.
“I don’t know. I thought she was at her house,” Diego said. “She said she was meeting us at the hall.”
“She did?” Carmen said. “I thought she was coming back for me.”
“I don’t think so,” Diego said briskly. “Let’s go.”
“I want to ride with Bianca,” Carmen said, as she gathered her things.
“Come with me,” Diego said with that look in his eye. “She said something about getting more paper towels and stuff for her house.”
“You talked to her?”
“Carmen!” Diego was losing his patience. “Let’s go!”
“I’m right behind you,” Ana said. “Be careful!” She called Bianca’s cell phone, and this time, her voice mailbox was full.
Ana was now very worried about her niece and wanted to find out what was going on. After Carmen and Diego left, Bianca pulled into the drive in a flurry and rushed into the house with several large bags. She was running around, como la loca, getting the things she would need for the quinceañera rehearsal when she ran into Ana, sitting quietly in the living room.
“Ay! Tía! You scared me!” Bianca said, slapping her hand to her chest. “I just wanted to drop off this stuff because it was taking too much room in my car and I—”
“What’s going on, Bianca?”
“What do you mean? I’m running around and it’s late and we have the rehearsal in a half hour and I’d like to change, but I don’t think I have time and—”
“Where have you been?”
“At the store. Look at all this stuff I got. Enough paper products for the whole neighborhood.”
“No, Bianca. You might be able to fool everybody else, but not me. Where have you been?”
Bianca’s thoughts twisted around in her head before she finally answered. “I was with my mom, at that place.”
“Oh,” Ana said. “Oh. I didn’t know. I thought you were only supposed to go with your dad.”
“No one knows,” Bianca said. “And I am supposed to go with him, but I don’t know—she gets more agitated when he’s there. He tries so hard to make everything seem normal, it just makes her worse.”
“How long have you been seeing her?”
“I don’t know. A few times.”
“Well, that’s good, Bianca. I’m glad you’re visiting her, but why are you sneaking around?”
“I didn’t want to tell anyone in case I got scared.”
“It’s okay to be scared, Bianca. But no one said you had to go alone,” Ana said.
“Who else would go with me? You’re too busy, and no one else—I don’t know anyone else who I trust to see her that way.”
“Ay, Bianca, she’s still your mother. You have nothing to be ashamed of,” Ana said.
“I’m not ashamed, and no, she isn’t,” Bianca said. She wasn’t trying to be mean or even a little dramatic. “She’s not the mother I remember, but she wants to be. She tries. I know she wants to get better.”
“Well,” Ana said, putting her arms around Bianca. “I’m very proud of you.”
“You are?”
“Because it would be easier for you to forget her.”
“I tried to forget her,” Bianca said. “There’s still something of her in there. I go to look for that. It’s not always there but when it is, it’s nice.”
“And she doesn’t hurt you?” Ana asked, remembering the bright red gash she had treated on her brother’s neck.
“No,” Bianca said. “She says things, but you know—that’s not really her. I’ve learned how to roll with it. The worst thing about her is that she’s still stuck from when she first got sick. I showed her some of the stuff we’ve been working on for Carmen’s quinceañera, and she thinks it’s for me. She gets mad when I try to correct her, so I just go along. She keeps saying she wants to make things better.”
Ana smiled at her sobrina and suddenly saw how much she had underestimated her. Few adults could do what Bianca was doing.
“How come she won’t get better?” Bianca asked. “I miss her.”
“I know,” Ana said, brushing a piece of Bianca’s hair away from her face. “Do me a favor—please let me know when you want to go visit her. Just so I know, okay? I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. And if you need someone to talk to afterwards, I’m here. Okay?”
“Okay,” Bianca said.
“We should go,” Ana said. “But I’ve been meaning to ask you something for a while,” Ana said. “I was wondering if you would be the Madrina de la tiara.”
“Me? No, Tía, that should be for you!” Bianca said. “I think that’s for the mothers to do.”
“Well, it’s for whoever we want to do it,” Ana said sadly. “And I think you should do it.”
“But why?” Bianca asked.
“Because you’re the closest to Carmen. I think she would prefer it.”
“Did you ask her?”
“I don’t need to ask her.”
“I’ll do whatever you want, Tía. But if you change your mind, tell me. I won’t mind,” Bianca said. “We should go. We’re going to be late!”
As they were leaving, Ana’s cell phone rang. She took the call and said a few words before she snapped her phone shut, threw her phone in her purse, and shook her head.
“What? Did they run out of toilet paper again?” Bianca asked, thinking it was one of the relatives staying at her house.
“No,” Ana sighed. “It was your uncle Esteban calling to say he was going to be late.”
“But he’s still coming, right?” Bianca said.
“Quién sabe?”
When Esteban had asked Carmen about the strange boy at the tuxedo shop, she was put off guard.
“Who, ’Apá?”
“That boy with his face and ears poked like a fish. He said he was your friend.”
“You mean Rey?”
“How many boys do you know like that?”
“Where—how … ?”
When Esteban explained that he met El Rey at the tuxedo shop, Carmen had a dumb realization. She liked the idea of upsetting her mother, but she forgot all about her ’apá. Qué Carmensa!
“I don’t believe you,” Diego said to his sister, as he was driving them to the reception hall. The court was meeting after school for the dreaded dance lesson with Bianca. “You play like this and you get what you deserve. So, now what are you going to do?”
“I dunno. Tell him not to come?”
“You can’t do that!”
“Can you?”
“Oh, hell, no!”
“It’s not like he paid for anything! Tío Marcos is paying for the tuxedo rentals.”
“That’s not the point! You invited him! Híjole, Carmen! You’re so lame!”
“I didn’t think he’d do it after—”
“After what?”
Carmen was thinking of the night she called El Rey and got him to come over and drive her to the Montalvo pachanga. She remembered how he leaned in close to her, brushed her forearm lightly with his index finger, making her giggle, and how, when they got to the subject of the quinceañera, his body language changed.
“Hey, you know, you’re cool and all and, you know. I’ll come and all, but let’s be cool,” Rey had said before he dumped her on the corner like a bundle of newspapers.
“After what?” Diego repeated.
“Nothing. Can’t ’Amá uninvite him?”
“No, Carmensa! Don’t bother her with your crazy shit! She’s upset enough as it is.”
“About what?”
“What do you care? All you do is try and make her miserable. And she’s going to tell you the same thing I am. You can’t invite someone and then tell them not to come. How would you like it if someone did that to you?”
“But ’Apá…”
“But ’Apá, but ’Apá,” Diego mocked. “Why don’t you think about ’Amá for once?”
Diego was percolating with anger, not because he
was afraid Rey’s feelings would be hurt, or because taking back the invitation would show his sister’s bad manners, or even because he was worried what anyone would say. He was upset because he could see that something had changed. His mother’s mood was darker, her spirit gone dull. He thought maybe it was all the work leading up the quinceañera, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe his mother found out about “la otra.” Maybe she already knew. He didn’t know. All he knew was that someone needed to be on her side. She was the strong one. That is what the family said, but he knew she needed help, even if he didn’t know what he should do.
“You need to tell ’Apá you invited him and you lied to ’Amá about it and deal with it!” Diego barked at his sister.
“I can’t do that!”
“Yes, you can! You talk to him better than anyone. What’s he going to do, disown you?”
“D!”
“I don’t know why ’Amá hasn’t by now! You’re a mess! Go with him, if you want! You deserve each other!”
Carmen had no idea why her brother was so angry. She sat sulking in the far side of the cab. She was not used to her brother talking to her this way.
“You’re mean,” Carmen said.
“Yeah? Well, that’s the only way you hear.”
When they arrived at the reception hall, everyone was waiting outside. Carmen was relieved Esteban wasn’t there, but not so much when Ana told her that he called and said something had come up and he would be late.
“What do you mean, something came up?” Carmen asked.
“You’ll need to ask him,” Ana snapped.
Once they got inside the hall, Bianca took charge. She made the pairings as they planned with Carmen’s circle of friends, pausing when she looked at the primas. The girl shaped like an apple brought an ecstatic young man, happy to be invited to the party. He was dressed in body-hugging jeans, Roper boots, a belt buckle the size of an ashtray, and a Longhorn orange polo shirt with the collar flipped up. The other couples were cousins who agreed to be paired with each other in order to spend a long weekend in San Antonio. Bianca tried to pull a fast one by pairing Carmen with the male cousin.
Damas, Dramas, and Ana Ruiz Page 23