by Mark Parisi
Sincerely,
Marty Pants
My message disappears, and new message pops up immediately.
Congress is so efficient!
Dear Constituent,
Thank you for your message. As your congressperson, I appreciate hearing from you and will make every effort to respond in a timely manner. Please be patient.
Your government cares.
Best regards,
Rep. Penelope P. Plunket
Wait a minute. Government?
I’ve watched a lot of movies, and every time the government finds out people have mysterious superpowers, it’s always the same story.
Kidnap them, drag them to a secret military base, and try to make an army of clones!
Then, one way or another, things go wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong!
And I just alerted the government about my superhuman powers!
And even included my name! I have to fix this. Fast!
I click on Contact Me again.
Subject: EVEN MORE IMPORTANT!
Just kidding! Ha-ha! No need to kidnap me! And Marty Pants isn’t even my real name!
Sincerely,
Simon Cardigan
Whew. That was close.
From now on, I’ll have to be more careful.
Now what? I need a new plan!
Hold on.
Here it comes.
Wait for it.
An epiphany.
I know exactly who can help me! I walk quickly to the exit.
CHAPTER 32
crime and punishment
“I’m here to see Officer Pickels,” I tell the police officer at the front desk.
“What is this concerning?”
“Secret Marty Pants business,” I explain.
“You’ll have to be more specific,” she says.
Fine. If that’s the way she wants to play it. “I’m writing an article for the school paper.”
In less than a minute, Officer Pickels comes up to meet me. He holds out his hand.
He obviously wants a bribe.
Luckily, he’s satisfied with a handshake.
“Hi, Marty. Here for another school project?”
“Officer Pickels, you’ve got to arrest me.”
“For what?”
“I’m going to turn into a, um, do you work for the government?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then I robbed a bank.”
“Good grief. In that case, you’ll have to go away for a long time, Marty.”
“No, forget that. I only need to go away for one night.”
“Why is that?”
“It’s complicated.”
“The jails are not for overnight sleepovers, Marty.”
“I’m not expecting a free night in jail,” I assure him. “I’ll earn it. Maybe we could brainstorm and come up with some crime I could commit. Something less serious than robbing a bank.”
“You want me to conspire with you to commit a crime?”
“Yes, that’s what I’m doing. Conspiring! Conspiring must be worth a night in jail! Arrest me.”
“And this is for school?” Officer Pickels asks.
“No,” I say. “I mean, YES! For school!”
“This seems like a strange project.”
“I want to write an article for the school paper about spending one night in jail! That’s totally the reason I’m here!”
“Well, if you can get your parents and the school to agree to this, I’ll consider it.”
“I just lied to you, Officer Pickels. This is not for school! Arrest me.”
Officer Pickels stares blankly at me for a moment.
“You’re an artist, right, Marty?”
“I sure am.”
“Is this performance art?”
“What’s performance art, Officer Pickels?”
“This weird conversation we’re having reminds me of performance art. Are you performing? My wife took me to see some performance art once, and I didn’t understand it at all.”
“I was as confused then as I am right now,” he tells me.
“Is performance art illegal?” I ask hopefully.
“No, but I think it should be.”
“Man, I can’t get arrested in this town,” I say.
“You’re a good kid, Marty. Why don’t you forget all about this performance art and go make some real art?”
“Great idea, Officer Pickels! Thanks for the epiphany!”
CHAPTER 33
the wall
Officer Pickels told me to make art. Excellent advice.
I’ll deface a building with graffiti! I know for a fact that’ll get me put behind bars.
I have no money for spray paint, but I do have something else with me.
I look for a building to vandalize with my talent.
This will do nicely.
All I need to do is draw something that all the candy people will loathe.
It has to be so offensive, so repugnant, they won’t hesitate to call the police on me.
No problem.
Perfect! That will get me thrown in the hoosegow for sure!
I stand there for a while, but no one seems to be paying attention.
I tap on a window for a minute or two, and finally an important-looking man comes outside.
I point to Mr. Candy and say, “I drew that.”
“You did?” asks Mr. Important.
“Yup. On purpose, too.”
I hold out my wrists so he can make a citizen’s arrest.
“Go ahead,” I say. “Get the handcuffs.”
“Ha-ha! Nice job, kid. That’s well drawn and funny!”
“Huh?”
“There’s a distinct sense of edginess combined with appealing accessibility.”
“But . . .”
He opens the door and calls inside. “Hey, Krystal! Come check this out! Ha-ha!”
Gurk! This is the one time I don’t want someone to like my art! Of all the rotten luck!
Krystal joins us. “Clever! You’re a talented young man!”
I don’t have time for this! I grab my bike and pedal away.
As I turn the corner, something darts in front of me.
Dewey! And he’s being chased.
Of course! Animal control!
They would know what to do with me. That’s their job! They deal with dangerous animals every day!
I wave my arms, and the van pulls over.
“Did you see where that dog went, kid? He’s a danger to the community.”
“Never mind him. I know a bigger danger,” I say.
“You do, kid? Where?”
I pick up an empty candy wrapper from the ground and write my address on it.
“Here. Come by in about an hour, before it gets dark,” I tell him.
“Whatever, kid. Right now I need to find that dog. He’s a slippery bugger. I’ve been trying to catch him for almost a month. Know anything about him?”
“Only that he’s a good kisser,” I say.
The van speeds off.
I feel better now. I found a true professional to handle things.
On my way home, I stop by Parker’s house to ask if I can borrow that dog crate she found at the dump.
Her dad answers the door.
“Parker’s not here, Marty. She went to the Full Moon Festival with Simon.”
Why does everybody keep reminding me?!
“It was your flyer that convinced her to go.”
Gurk! Stop it!
“I’m just here to ask if I can borrow Parker’s dog crate, Mr. Fedora.”
“Parker has a dog crate?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I guess she’s in love.”
“In love?” he asks.
“Head over heels.”
“With whom?”
“Dewey. A stray dog,” I tell him. “I thought you knew.”
“She never mentioned any dog to me.”
“Maybe she was afr
aid to tell you. Scared you’d break her heart. Smash it to little pieces. Crush her hopes and dreams. Cause unspeakable pain and anguish . . .”
“Okay, okay, Marty! You can borrow the crate!”
CHAPTER 34
out of control
I wait in my room for the animal control guy to show up. He better get here soon because I don’t know how long this crate will hold me once I transform.
Plus, it’s uncomfortable. My legs are cramping. Hopefully, I’ll relax when he shoots me with a tranquilizer dart.
No one will be home until tomorrow, so I made sure Jerome won’t go hungry.
There’s a knock on the door. “COME IN!” I yell.
I should be downstairs. I hope he doesn’t have trouble finding me.
“UP HERE!” I yell.
I hear some kind of commotion. Things are getting knocked around. Something just broke.
Is this guy really that much of a klutz?
I rock back and forth and manage to roll the crate off the bed. With a lot of effort, I scoot myself to the top of the stairs.
I look down to the first floor.
What a disaster! Then I catch a glimpse of the animal control guy.
He’s struggling with something.
JEROME?!
“STOP!” I scream. “I AM THE DANGER!” I don’t think he can hear me.
And the lock on the crate is stuck!
The animal control guy drags Jerome outside. I’ve got to rescue him!
Time to use superhuman strength.
I start shaking and rattling and pretty soon I’m rolling down the stairs.
I’m free!
Now to use my superhuman speed to catch the van!
Wait.
It’s getting dark.
I could transform into a beast at any moment!
If I’m going to run around outside, I need a way to protect society from my dangerousness.
But how?
I look around for a solution.
The couch.
Jerome’s been clawing it for years, and it’s held up just fine.
I grab the cushions and some rope from the basement.
There.
I squeeze through the front door and begin my chase. I don’t seem to be going very fast, though. The cushions are slowing down my superspeed.
Gurk! The animal control van is already long gone, and I don’t know where the headquarters are!
Think, Marty. Jerome’s depending on you.
I know. I can use my powerful canine nose to track Jerome!
I stand by the curb and smell the air.
Nothing. Except maybe pizza with ham, pineapple, and extra cheese, but that’s not very helpful.
Maybe I need to smell the ground. That’s what dogs do.
I lean over sideways to put my nose closer to the pavement but lose my balance.
I end up flat on my back.
I try to roll over, but I can’t move!
I’m like an upside-down turtle!
And I can’t get loose because I tied the knots too tight with my superhuman strength!
I stare up at the darkening sky and wonder what happens now.
It’s my fault that Jerome was taken. What are they going to do with him?
They don’t understand him like I do!
And here I am, seconds away from transforming into a vicious menace to society. Will I even remember what happens tonight?
I’ve never felt this helpless . . . this hopeless.
Wait, I’m catching a whiff of something. Is it Jerome?
No.
Smells more like B.O.
CHAPTER 35
it goes downhill from here
Peach Fuzz! Not my first choice, but maybe I can get him to help me!
“Dressin up earlee for Hullaween, Weddy Pants?” He doesn’t realize I’m about to turn into a werewolf. I better warn him.
“If you don’t help me out of this,” I say, “I might just rip off your head.”
“Har ho heh har!” Peach Fuzz laughs. “Soundz like ya needz ta be tawt anotha lessun!”
Peach Fuzz pushes me with his foot and rolls me across the grass.
“I tried to warn you, Peach Fuzz.”
“Wut did ya calls me?!”
I’ve never called him Peach Fuzz to his face before, but with all my werewolf powers, I’m not scared of him anymore.
“I called you Peach Fuzz because of your stupid peach-fuzz mustache!”
“Oh, Weddy, Weddy, Weddy. Yer gonna get it now.” Peach Fuzz stands over me and scrunches up his mouth.
Eww! He’s about to drop a spit wad on my face! I can’t move my arms, but I can move my jaw.
That tastes worse than my mom’s fish casserole!
“OWAAAUARGH! Ya liddle . . .” Peach Fuzz screams as he hops around holding his leg.
He falls backward into me, and I bounce a few feet away. I start to spin slowly, then really, really FAST!
What’s going on? Is this what it’s like to transform into a werewolf?
Gurk! I’m completely out of control!
It feels like being trapped on a broken carnival ride! Things whiz by so fast, all I can see are blurred images.
I catch glimpses of rocks, trees, and small animals. Then I notice sidewalks, cars, and buildings. Suddenly, I burst through some big double doors and slowly come to a stop in the middle of a crowded room.
It takes a second for my dizzy eyes to focus.
CHAPTER 36
bite me
Oh no!
I’m about to turn into a werewolf in front of the WHOLE SCHOOL!
What if I get loose and bite everybody? I hope they took baths! And there’s Parker! What if I attack her?
“Nice of you to wear your formal couch cushions, Marty!” Simon says between laughs. “I always knew you were soft!”
Parker gives Simon a dirty look and comes over to help me to my feet. The ropes have loosened.
“GET BACK, EVERYONE!” I yell. “FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!”
They all just stare at me.
“Ooooh, Marty!” Simon says. “I’m so scared of the creepy couch creature!”
I hear three giggles, two chuckles, and a guffaw.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL!” I announce. “GET BACK OR GET BITTEN!”
The laughter gets louder.
No one seems to be taking the situation seriously! Parker stays next to me, trying to undo the ropes. That’s the exact wrong thing to do!
“PARKER!” I shout. “STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME!”
She keeps working on the ropes.
“Please, Parker,” I say desperately. “You’re the last person I want to hurt.”
I manage to get a hand free and push her away, for her own safety.
I look over at the doors I just smashed through. Outside I can see the night sky.
And there it is!
THE FULL MOON.
The energy in the room quickly changes. I feel myself shaking uncontrollably!
“Marty!” Parker says. “What’s happening to you?”
I shake more and more. I can’t help it!
All the laughing in the room suddenly stops. And then . . .
Everyone stares in disbelief! Ms. Ortiz screams!
“WATCH OUT, EVERYONE!” she shouts. “DON’T LET HIM BITE YOU! GET TO SAFETY!”
Kids and adults run away in every direction, climbing on chairs and tables.
It’s chaos!
And Parker is still on the floor next to me!
I open my mouth to tell Parker to run away as fast as she can, but all I hear is . . .
But that howl didn’t come from me.
There’s something else stuck here in the cushions with me! It’s been making me shake as it struggles to get out!
It leaps to the floor and circles around the room.
It’s Dewey! But something’s different.
He doesn’t look sweet anymore—he looks dangerous!
And he’s heading straight for P
arker, who still hasn’t moved! She seems confused. Dewey leaps at Parker with his jaws wide open!
I step sideways to shield Parker from Dewey.
The little dog sinks his fangs into the couch cushions. He doesn’t let go.
“Is that . . . Dewey?” Parker asks as she peeks from behind me. “What’s gotten into him?!”
The animal control guy comes rushing in. “Now I got you, you little bugger!”
He grabs Dewey with a loop on a long pole and pulls him off me.
“Hey, kid!” he says. “Thanks for helping me catch this pesky critter!”
“But I wasn’t trying to . . .”
“And thanks for the tip about that crazy feral cat! He really put up a fight!”
“That cat’s not feral!” I snap. “He’s JEROME! My PET! You weren’t supposed to take HIM! You were supposed to take ME!”
“You?”
“Yes! I’m a WEREWOLF!”
“You look like a normal kid to me,” he says.
“I do?”
“Well, not the way you’re dressed,” he adds.
The animal control guy struggles with Dewey and drags him outside.
I waddle over to the punch bowl and peek at my reflection.
He’s right. I didn’t transform.
Why not? This makes no sense!
But I can’t worry about that right now. I have someone to rescue!
I dash outside to the animal control van, leaving a trail of rope and cushions behind me.
And there’s my best friend trapped behind bars. I open the cage.
CHAPTER 37
the marty remains the same
I hold Jerome and stare up at the starry, starry night.
There’s the moon.
There are no clouds in front of it or anything. It’s as full as a full moon can be.