Avoiding Commitment

by craziebabe45

That surprised Lexi. She hadn't realized she had been here that long...an hour at the most. Where had the time gone? Had Jack called? She didn't ask any of these questions just remained seated staring blankly ahead.

  "Sorry," Rachelle mumbled. The other two girls didn't even respond just huddled behind their friend. "I didn't know what was going on with her."

  "Whatever," Chyna stated dismissively. "Alexa, hey, look at me." Chyna gently turned her head to face her. Lexi's brown eyes were blank and bloodshot as if she had been crying, but every other indication was vacant. "What happened?" Lexi just stared at her friend. "It's okay. You can tell me if you want, but you don't have to."

  Lexi could tell she was worried. Chyna's voice was cracking with concern. She had never seen Lexi this way. That's because Lexi had never felt this way. She felt comatose almost as if she no longer needed anything to sustain her body. She could just stare off into open space indefinitely and nothing else would matter. Maybe nothing else did matter.

  "Chica, can you even hear me?" Lexi hadn't noticed that she had still been talking. What was so important? She just wanted to drift away...far away from this time and place. "Lexi wake up. What has gotten into you?" she asked shaking her shoulders gently. She felt her head loll back and forth as her neck lost control of keeping her head upright. She still didn't make a move to speak up. Chyna looked to be near to tears and there was nothing Lexi could or would do about it. She just wanted to be left alone. "I just...I don't know what to do with her," she murmured standing and speaking to Lexi's roommates. "What could have happened to her?"

  Chyna jumped backwards as a knock sounded from the front door. Rachelle crossed the room swiftly and gasping as it swung open.

  "You son of a bitch," Chyna cried stalking across the space. "What the hell did you do to her Jack?"

  "I...Lex," he murmured softly glancing around Chyna at Lexi's near statuesque form.

  Lexi glanced up for the first time feeling as if she had been awakened from a dream. She honestly hadn't expected to ever hear her name uttered by his voice ever again. "Jack."

  He attempted to enter the apartment, but Chyna blocked his way. "How dare you think you can just walk back into her life like this! She's been sitting like a completely unresponsive rock for the past seven hours because of you...and you think..."

  "Chyna cut it out," Lexi commanded her voice weak but controlled. "Let him in."

  "Are you sure?" Chyna asked biting down on her lip. It looked like the last thing she wanted to do in the whole wide world.

  "Yes." That settled it and she moved away letting him enter the dorm. Rachelle shut the door behind him and quickly made her, Claire, and Elizabeth very busy. Chyna stood by ostensibly ready to pounce at any second in the event that he hurt her friend again. Lexi sighed. "I'm alright Chyna. You can go. I know you're supposed to be meeting with Frederick today. He hates when you're late."

  "He can deal," she grumbled not budging.

  "Go. I won't have him angry with me. I'll call you if I need you." Chyna looked anxious about the situation but, eventually, nodded and left.

  Lexi noticed how bad she ached all over for the first time since that morning. She had never fixed her dehydration problem and every muscle in her body was crying out from thirst. Her eyelids were heavy and pink lips chapped. Her back ached for sitting ramrod straight for seven hours. Most of all, her heart hurt terribly. She had closed off her emotions when he had walked out the door, but now with him standing in front of her it all came back in a wave. Her heart was tearing, breaking, being shred to pieces and it was unlike anything she had ever experienced. She wanted to gasp out in pain, but she kept her mouth closed and held in her aches. Jack had come here for a reason and she wanted to know what that reason was.

  "You said if I had something more to talk to you about...anything better that I should come back," he told her speaking quietly as he sat next to her on the couch.

  "It took you seven hours to think of something good enough to say to me?" she whispered her voice raspy.

  "Please Lex," he pleaded his blue eyes boring into her.

  "Go ahead."

  Jack took a deep breath before speaking. "I've always been the kind of person who believed that I'd never find someone I wanted to commit to. That after all the shit I went through with my parents' divorce, I'd never want to be with someone indefinitely. I'd never see another person as anything more than just a divorce waiting to happen. I pushed every person I've ever been with away from me, and for what?

  "I did it because I was scared. I did it because I was selfish. I wanted everything and really all I was doing was accepting nothing. And you…you my dear," he said his hands reaching for her cheek but dropping before he reached her. "I hurt you more than all of them. I lied, cheated, and took you for granted. You were it for me, and I managed to even fuck that up.

  "I fuck up because I don't know how to do anything else. I'm worthless. I'm less than worthless. I should never have been in a relationship in the first place. If anyone had known what I was capable of, they would have run. But you knew and you stuck by me. You put up with me even when you had no reason to. I know I'm terrible at showing it but I do love you. I want you to know that you have my heart. You always have and you always will."

  "Jack, how can you say that to me?" Lexi asked fighting back tears.

  "Because it's the truth," he murmured.

  "But you've never been able to show that to me."

  "I might be able to." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. Jack's hand reflexively went to his pocket and dug around for a second before producing a tiny black box. Lexi gasped as her eyes took on the shape of a jewelry box.

  "What...what's in there?" she asked her voice shaking. Her eyes were wide with wonder and a hint of fear.

  He cracked the box open revealing an exquisite princess cut diamond with a string of matching diamonds on either side. The band was pure white gold. It had an old timey feel to it, but Lexi had never laid her eyes on a more beautiful ring. "This was what I was going to give to you to prove that you have my heart."

  Lexi hand flew to her mouth in shock. She couldn't help shaking her head in disbelief. No. Not now. Not after everything. She couldn't drag her eyes away from the amazing diamond.

  "No," she murmured.

  He nodded picking the ring up out of the box and twirling it around between his fingers. "I know I don't deserve you Lex."

  "No," she muttered again.

  "I know," he said nodding. "This was my grandma's ring. My mom gave it to me over my brothers because she knew that I would choose someone who really mattered to me not just the first person who came along."

  "Jack please, just stop."

  He seemed to ignore her. "Now I wasn't planning to show this to you, but," he looked up from the ring into her wide-eyed brown orbs, "this was meant for you. Only you."

  "No."

  "But either way that was what I had to tell you to show you my heart," he whispered.

  "How could you do this now?" she murmured tears forming in her eyes even though she had told herself over and over that she wouldn't cry.

  "It was the only thing I could think," he said snapping the box shut and stuffing it hastily back in his pocket.

  "What does this mean?" she couldn't help asking.

  "I took a job in Atlanta. I won't be a burden on you any longer. I can see what I did to you, what I continue to do to you, and I won't let that continue to happen. I fucked everything up by sleeping with Stella, and I know that. I'll never forgive myself and I don't exactly expect you to forgive me."

  "Atlanta? I thought you got turned down."

  "The man that I interviewed with last night suggested me to a friend and as long as I'm in Atlanta by tomorrow night I have the job. It was a last minute kind of thing," he told her.

  "So all of this was for nothing?"

  "No it made me realize what I did to you. And I'm not going to do it again. So this is good-bye. I'll try not to bother you again. I love you Lex," he
said planting a sweet kiss on her lips.

  She could barely function right now. He was leaving her after all. They weren't going to be able to get through this. Even though she thought they would be able to work it out, they would never be given the chance. And as she watched him walk out her door, she truly knew that she would never ever hear from him again.

  * * *

  Awesome Super Amazing Reviewers: Cupid's Psyche (I adored your Ramsey theories and it gave me a TON to think about! You're amazing and brilliant!), Sure As the Dawn, futurestar2009, Caroline202, cat10985, CaliBound, jet . black . dbs, August Empress of the Romans, total romance., sammi-2688, and misatok123.

  K.A. Linde

  Mistakes Worth Making

  What am I suppose to do

  When the best part of me was always you and

  What am I suppose to say

  When I'm all choked up and you're okay

  I'm falling to pieces, yeah

  I'm falling to pieces

  -The Script "Breakeven"

  * * *

  Chapter 23: Present

  Lexi slipped inside his house carefully positioning herself where Ramsey couldn't get a look at her back. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth wincing at the extreme tenderness. Ramsey glanced in her direction and she instantly moved to cover her throat with her hair. No need for him to ask questions. It would really just be an unnecessary hassle. And, in either case, it wasn't something she would be able to explain.

  She stood by the stairs and waited for him to walk up first. She couldn't exactly have him watching her as she walked up the stairs. She followed behind closely ducking into the guest bedroom where he stood against the doorframe.

  "I'll just get you something to sleep in," he told her a smile playing across his features.

  "Uh…thanks," she stated awkwardly turning to face him in the doorway. She liked the smile he was sending her way. It was very…sincere. He looked as if he genuinely did not want to be any place else in the world at that moment. He would be content standing in the doorway staring into her face for eternity. He wasn't even pressuring her to feel anything more just to look at him. And, man, was he attractive.

  His blonde hair was radiating with perfection. His green eyes were rimmed with adoration and affection. She could see the lust prominent in the irises, but she knew he wouldn't push anything. The Country Club gentleman in him prohibited him from making her feel uncomfortable. She always thought that would work to a person's detriment, but now, with him standing in front of her, she wasn't too sure.

  Lexi's stomach twisted at the thought. She did not want to be thinking these types of thoughts around Ramsey. He disoriented her in a completely different manner than she was used to. Jack tilted her completely off balance. She couldn't think…she could hardly breathe around him. It was as if her orbit shifted to circling only him. Wherever he was and whatever they were doing she naturally rotated around him.

  With Ramsey she could feel a sense of equality about their movements. He revolved around her while she matched his movements. It was a completely new experience. And also terribly frightening to know that she could have such a connection to someone she had just met…to someone she hadn't even particularly liked up until tonight, when she found she hadn't been able to stop him from kissing her. That she didn't want to stop him. But she couldn't think about that right now. Tonight, of all nights, she needed to keep her wits about her.

  She stood motionless in the doorway as Ramsey fetched her clothes. She couldn't help thinking about the events of the night and how they had unraveled. Bekah's disgusting sexual remarks echoed through her conscious. Had Jack so easily gone from Bekah to her in a span of twenty-four hours? The more she thought about it, the more she couldn't believe it.

  Sure, Lexi knew what he was capable, but that was low…even for him. And the way Bekah had spoke about it. Lexi shivered at the notion. Jack couldn't claim Bekah for his own when he still had feelings for Lexi. She just didn't know how to show that to him.

  The sex was never supposed to happen. She just wasn't capable of controlling her actions around him. Turning Jack down was the hardest thing she ever tried to do. No matter how many times they had fucked up together, she never found it easier to break free from him. There was always Jack. Even after the crazy sex and horrible things he had said to her, she couldn't think about giving him up. He was obviously very confused. One minute he was crazy with jealousy about her showing up with Ramsey. Then he was completely cold and distant. After that he made fiery, passionate, amazingly hot sex to her standing up against a cement wall in Turner Field. Then managed to tell her that none of it mattered?

  How could none of it matter?

  How could the sex not alter his decision in the slightest?

  Lexi couldn't wrap her mind around that concept. Sure she had been sleeping with Jack for years, but it's not like the sex never mattered. She had held out on him for a year a half, granted they hadn't been together the whole time. No, they had never been together. He had made that perfectly clear when he walked out that door…when he ran.

  Her face darkened over at the painful memory. She typically kept it under lock and key where no one could access it. But with everything that had gone on tonight, she couldn't hold it together. Her jaw was clenched tight and her eyes had the remembered look of agony. All she wanted to do was keep from crying until Ramsey brought her something to change into.

  Just then he walked around the corner and down the hall. Lexi quickly recovered hoping that her expression was as neutral as possible. But she could see that he wasn't fooled.

  "Thanks," she muttered yanking the clothes out of his hand and slamming the door quickly.

  Lexi smacked her head back against the door instantly regretting her actions. Reaching her hand back to touch her head, she found a small knot forming where it had been knocked against concrete. As if her problems weren't enough, now every bump and bruise would remind her of Jack. Great!

  She groaned as she forced her body to stand back up. Hugging her arms tightly around her body, she moved in front of the full-length mirror pinned against the wall. Lexi gently pulled down the side zipper on her now ruined dress. The silky material slid off her narrow hips and pooled at her feet. She unclasped her black, strappy, high heels and kicked them off. Lexi turned from side to side examining the damage. She could see little bruised indentions in her thighs where Jack's hands had held her up. Her lip was turning a slight shade of purple, but her neck wasn't quite as bad as she had anticipated. Her back was scratched, but not red and puffy like before. In the dim lighting, the rest of her body looked nearly normal.

  This allowed a small smile to cross her face. Their indiscretions wouldn't be as noticeable as she thought. Her aches were at a minimum, and she would be as fit as ever in a couple days.

  Her smile dropped off her face and she felt the tears begin to well in her eyes. She allowed them to flow freely from her cheeks cursing herself for feeling the emotions she was encountering.

  This might be her last reminder of Jack.

  These reminders of their escapade was the last thing she would ever receive from him.

  He had said that he still needed time to think, but didn't she of all people know better? Jack didn't think. He acted. He did exactly what he wanted when he wanted it, and since he done that with her, he had received everything he had endeavored towards.

  She collapsed on the floor covered only by her black, strapless bra and thong set. Her hair cascaded around her face. She felt something wet on her knees and she realized, suddenly, that it was tears. Lexi swiped at her eyes. She glanced up into the mirror and recognized the trail of black flowing down her cheeks. She vigorously scrubbed the mascara tears away leaving her cheeks raw and splotchy.

  Her head tilted to the side as she stared onwards at her reflection. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear once out of habit. The movement reassured her and she did it again until the curly strands were maintained neatly behind her ea
rs. It was the least she could do to keep from crying again.

  This was the last time she ever wanted to cry for Jack Howard.

  Her head snapped to the side at sound of the door creaking open. Ramsey stood silhouetted in the doorway in nothing but a snug pair of maroon boxer briefs. For a second as she stared at him, she lost all thought of being all but naked sitting on the floor. He looked so delectable. She had never seen him with his shirt off, and damn was her first impression right. He certainly had to have a physical trainer. She hadn't seen bodies like this since the last time she had gone to professional soccer game and even then she wasn't sure if they compared.

  "Oh sorry," he said his eyes sliding down her near naked form. She could tell he wasn't sorry and she was too broken and dazed to say otherwise.

  "Did you need something?" she asked her voice cracking with the effort to keep from crying.

  "I was just coming to check on you."

  For once he kept his distance. Lexi let her head drop wishing she could just erase this entire night. She had been stupid to think that she could be a part of Jack's life. And in that moment, she felt more used than she ever had in her life. Even if that hadn't been Jack's original intention, after he left her standing there bruised and broken, she couldn't help but feel that he had just used her. And she wasn't even sure what had fueled such anger from him. The sex was amazing, but there was an undertone of hostility in his movements. Not to mention his abrupt goodbye. It didn't even matter that he had claimed that he still needed time. When he said that it didn't change things, she was really more afraid that he meant it.

  "Is there something I can do?" he whispered into the darkness.

  She shook her head back and forth. All she needed was to be alone. But she couldn't say that to him. Not after all that he had done for her. Sure he had originally gotten on her nerves, but he hadn't pressured her into anything. And he had been perfectly nice through this whole ordeal. He had even defended her to Jack when he had suspected Jack was going to hurt her. And he had been right. Oh how he had been right. She couldn't be mean to him now not after everything.