Libbie spent the summer making wedding plans, choosing her bridesmaids, and trying to narrow down the wedding guest list. Her mother thought two hundred people would be fine, but that number made Jack gasp.
“Two hundred people? Is she inviting the entire town? Only about twenty of those will be my relatives.”
Libbie promised she’d try to talk her mother into a smaller guest list, but as the summer wore on, it continued to grow larger. Her mother wanted to invite out-of-town relatives, business associates, and, it seemed, everyone they’d ever met. As always, changing her mother’s mind was proving to be very difficult.
Libbie had chosen Carol as her maid of honor, and Jan would be a bridesmaid along with Barbara and Jean. Jack picked Larry as his best man and Ray as a groomsman, but still had to come up with two more friends to balance out the wedding party. The larger the wedding became, the more nervous Libbie grew. She felt like things were slowly spinning out of control, and it made her anxious.
As Jack worked his jobs and saved money for school and their future together, Libbie picked out napkin colors, flowers, and bridesmaid dresses. Even to Libbie, it seemed out of balance. She felt like she should be contributing more to their future but wasn’t sure how. She’d never before considered finding a job or going to college, even though she’d earned good grades in high school. No one had ever encouraged her to plan a future other than getting married and having children. And even if she’d wanted to find a job, she had no idea what she’d want to do. Her parents had always provided for her, and now Jack had promised to take care of her. It was all she’d ever known—after all, her mother and sister had never worked; in fact, most of the women Libbie knew didn’t work. Yet she still felt strange about not helping Jack by earning money, too.
This summer wasn’t like the summer before. Libbie didn’t spend much time by the lake with her friends, choosing instead to go out to the farm when she and her mother weren’t working on wedding plans. Libbie loved spending time with Bev and had learned to cook and bake even more since the previous year. Libbie also hung out with Jan, but not as much as before. Jan was sixteen, and she’d found a part-time job at the Dairy Queen so she could save money for a car. Libbie was kept busy between planning the wedding, cooking with Bev, and being around Jack as much as possible.
Libbie loved the nights that she spent alone with Jack. They’d sneak away often to her uncle’s cabin and spend hours exploring each other’s bodies and making love. After that first night together, Jack had driven to another town fifty miles away where no one knew him and bought condoms at the drugstore. Libbie had found that funny, but she knew why he’d done it. Their town was small and people would talk. He didn’t want anyone to say a bad word about Libbie. She loved that he protected her that way, and she loved their evenings together.
“I can’t wait until we don’t have to sneak around anymore,” she told him one evening as they lay on the sofa bed in the cabin. “This wedding is getting so complicated that I sometimes wish we could run away and get married.”
“I know,” Jack said, running his fingers through her silky hair. “But it will be worth the wait, I promise you.”
In August, Gwen announced that she was expecting another baby, and Libbie thought she didn’t look very happy about it. Gwen already had a busy toddler, and Lynn would only be three years old when the new baby arrived the following summer. In addition to that, Abigail had been taking to her bed more often than before, and Gwen always took it upon herself to care for her. Libbie was never asked to take care of her mother. If Gwen couldn’t come and help her, Randall would do it. Libbie thought it was strange that she was never asked, yet she was relieved, too. She didn’t understand why her mother fell ill for a day or two and then was better. She’d never questioned her mother’s illnesses as a child—it was just a fact of life—but now she wondered about it. Yet she was still afraid to ask Gwen or her father about it. It just wasn’t discussed. So Libbie tried putting it out of her mind to focus on her own future instead.
Fall came, and Jack went back to school and worked some evenings with his father and weekends at the gas station. Larry and Carol were in college and busy with their own lives. Many of Libbie’s other friends had either gone away to college or were working at their parents’ businesses. Even Jan was busy in her junior year of high school and with her other friends. Libbie felt restless. She spent less time with Jack than she would have liked, and she had very little to do. Even when she did spend an evening with Jack, going to a movie or just sitting in his truck under the stars, he was usually distracted and would even sometimes fall asleep.
“Is this how it’s going to be when we’re married?” Libbie said one evening as they sat on the sofa at the farm watching TV. Jack had fallen asleep, and Libbie had angrily poked at him to wake him up. “Are you already bored with me? I might as well go home and be alone than be with you.”
Jack apologized profusely, but it didn’t seem to make a difference to Libbie. Thank goodness the rest of Jack’s family was busy in other parts of the house and hadn’t heard her complain.
“I’m sorry, Libbie. I’m just so tired going to school and working so much. I promise it will get better when I’m finished with school. And when we’re living together, we’ll be together every night.”
Tears filled Libbie’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so agitated. I know you’re working hard, and you’re doing it for me. I’m just so stressed about the wedding and not being able to spend time with you.” Tears fell down her cheeks, and Jack held her close.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” he said soothingly. “It’ll get better, I promise.”
Libbie nodded and wiped away her tears. There was so much more that was causing stress in her life than the wedding and not seeing him, but she didn’t want to bother him with it. Her mother was constantly taking to her bed, causing Gwen to be angry for having to help. She blamed Libbie for upsetting their mother so much. Libbie had no idea why her mother was having such a hard time. They’d be having a nice day, but out of nowhere her mother would become angry and storm off to her room. Libbie tried being as nice as possible and helped out around the house to take the strain off her mother, but it didn’t seem to help. Libbie would go to bed each night feeling the tension in the house and wishing she could leave now to be with Jack. She couldn’t wait for June to come so she could finally get out from under the shadow of her mother’s dark moods.
Jack and Larry sat in the rowboat on the lake at the farm. It was mid-October and the day was unusually warm. Libbie and her mother had gone to Minneapolis for the weekend to shop for a wedding dress, and Carol had gone along as well. Since the summer and fall tourist season was winding down, Jack had a rare day off from the gas station. So for the first time in weeks, the guys were able to hang out together.
Larry leaned back against the front of the boat and propped his feet up on the middle seat. He pulled something out of his shirt pocket, put it in his mouth, and lit it with a lighter. Taking a long drag, he blew the smoke out and said, “Ahh.”
Jack frowned at him. “Are you smoking grass?”
“Yep. Want a drag?”
“No,” Jack said angrily. “Since when do you smoke pot?”
Larry laughed. “Since around the same time the whole world started smoking pot. Geez, Jack. Everyone at the college smokes it. You should go into the dorm rooms sometime—the haze is suffocating.”
“Where’d you even get that stuff? You don’t have any money to buy it.”
Larry grinned. “Carol gave it to me.”
“Carol smokes pot, too?”
“Of course she does. Jack, you’re the only kid I know who doesn’t do drugs.”
“So she buys it for you?”
“Heck no, she steals it from her parents’ stash.”
Jack stared at Larry in shock. “Are you messing with me? Carol’s parents smoke pot?”
Larry nodded. “Yep. And so do all their highfalutin’ friends. The
y have parties and drink and smoke and God knows what else.” Larry laughed. “They probably even wife-swap.”
“That’s terrible, Larry. Who told you all this? Carol?”
“Yeah. And Barbara and Ron and Matt. All the rich kids around here know their parents do this shit. They just don’t tell anyone.”
“Well, don’t tell Libbie about it. She’d freak out. She has enough to worry about with the wedding and her mother being sick all the time.”
Larry took another puff and stared at Jack. “You know, Libbie’s mother isn’t really sick. Word around town is she drinks like a fish and takes prescription meds that knock her out. Valium. Carol’s mother takes them like candy. Carol says they make her mother as cool as a cucumber. But Libbie’s mother takes them with alcohol and they really do a number on her.”
Jack pointed a finger at Larry and said sternly, “Don’t you ever say a word about that to Libbie. Do you hear me? She doesn’t need to hear all this shit. Besides, no one knows for sure, so don’t spread it around, you hear?”
“Fine, fine. Take it easy, Jack. Hey, you want a puff?” Larry reached the joint toward Jack.
“No. And keep that stuff away from my house. I’m not going to ruin my life getting caught with that crap.”
“Okay, okay.” Larry put it out and pocketed what was left.
Jack sat there for a long time, thinking about what Larry had said. He wondered if Libbie knew that her mother had a drinking problem. As far as he knew, Libbie thought her mother just got upset easily and needed rest. Why would a woman who has everything need to hide from life by getting drunk and high? He decided the sooner he and Libbie were married, the better it would be for her.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The minute Libbie tried it on, she knew it was the dress. She, her mother, and Carol had gone to the chicest bridal salon in Minneapolis, and for over two hours Libbie had tried on dress after dress. Her mother had picked out several long-sleeved dresses with full skirts, but Libbie wanted something a bit more modern. Carol brought her dresses that were too modern. But when the sales lady brought her this dress, Libbie fell in love. And once she had it on, she knew it was the one.
Libbie stepped out of the dressing room and stood, holding her breath as her mother studied her. The dress was a cross between elegant and modern. It had white applique flowers on the form-fitting bodice, a sweetheart neckline, and cap sleeves. A long, narrow satin underskirt fell to the floor with a full lace overlay that billowed out into a train in back. Libbie had on a matching, full-length lace veil that hung down over the train.
Carol gasped and clapped her hands in delight when she saw it. Her reaction made Libbie smile, but she knew the most important opinion would be her mother’s. When her mother finally gave her a small smile, she knew she approved.
“You look lovely, dear. I think you’ve found your dress,” Abigail said. She stood and walked over to Libbie, placing her cheek against her daughter’s. “Absolutely breathtaking.”
Libbie squealed and stared at herself in the mirror as Carol buzzed around her, arranging the train and veil. She couldn’t believe how grown-up she looked in this dress. And she couldn’t wait until Jack saw her on their wedding day.
Winter blew into their northern Minnesota town by early November and was there to stay. Jack jokingly told Libbie he sometimes questioned his decision to work on automobiles when temperatures outside were freezing, and inside the school garages it wasn’t much warmer. He swore that if he ever had a business of his own, he’d have a heated garage.
On December 1, the first draft lottery drawing was held. The rules of the draft had changed—instead of drafting nearly every man who came of age, they would hold a lottery and those with the lowest numbers would be drafted first. In 1969, they drew numbers for men born in 1950. Jack and Larry were safe for one more year. Their birth year—1951—would be drawn for lottery in July 1970.
While they let out a sigh of relief that their lives wouldn’t be affected by war for at least another year, Libbie was at her wit’s end. The draft lottery drawing brought up all her fears again that Jack would be sent to Vietnam, and it was all Jack could do to calm her down almost every time they were together. The nightly news about the war gave her nightmares, and she told him that she’d often dream of him lying dead in the jungles of Vietnam. She’d wake up screaming with no one there to comfort her.
“I can’t bear for you to leave me,” she said, crying uncontrollably. “They can’t take you! We’ll barely be married and you’ll be sent away to war.”
Jack tried without success to console her. “I may not even get drafted,” he told her. “I might get a high number and never be called. Please don’t worry, Libbie. We’ll live our lives and see what happens.”
But Libbie couldn’t go on as if everything was normal when the idea of losing Jack was constantly at the forefront of her mind. Even the Christmas holiday didn’t cheer her up. Her appetite dwindled and she lost weight. Sleep eluded her. She didn’t want to close her eyes for fear that she’d have another nightmare.
The heavy hand of stress was weighing Libbie down. The wedding planning was wearing on her nerves as well as her mother’s episodes, which were occurring more frequently. And nothing Jack or anyone else said would get her mind off Vietnam and losing Jack. By the middle of January, she looked pale and drawn with dark circles under her eyes.
Gwen, now seven months pregnant, finally took Libbie aside one day and gave her a little yellow pill. “Take this. It’ll calm your nerves and help you sleep.”
Libbie looked at the pill in her hand and then up at Gwen. “What is this? Where did you get it?”
“Don’t worry about that. It’s safe. Just don’t take anything else with it and you’ll be fine. If it helps to calm you down, we can get you a prescription.”
Libbie wasn’t sure she wanted to take pills, but she was desperate for sleep. She finally took it, and soon she felt calmer and more relaxed. It worked like magic.
Two days later, Gwen took her to their family doctor, and Libbie got a prescription for Valium. The doctor told Libbie to only take one every evening before bed, if needed, and no more. But Libbie found that taking one in the morning helped her start the day feeling calm and then one at night lulled her into sleep. She kept the bottle hidden away in her bedroom. She didn’t want Jack to know about the pills. Libbie told herself that this was only temporary and that as soon as they were married, she’d be able to stop taking the pills. It was her little secret.
But Jack noticed right away how much calmer Libbie seemed. “You look like you’re feeling better,” he’d said one night after they’d eaten burgers at the Dairy Queen. They hadn’t been to the cabin in weeks because it was much too cold there, and they didn’t dare start a fire and attract attention. They both missed spending time alone, but they knew that it wouldn’t be long before they were married and spending every night together.
“I am,” Libbie told him, feeling more at ease. “I’ve been able to sleep again, and that makes a big difference. Like you said, I shouldn’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.”
Jack lifted his hand and caressed the side of her face. “I’m glad. I was so worried about you. It won’t be long now. Just a few more months. As soon as spring comes, we should look for a place to rent until we can afford to buy our own house.”
Libbie’s eyes let up. “Really? Oh, that will be fun! A place of our own. With all the wedding plans and my not feeling well, I’d forgotten that we’d need a house! I can’t wait.”
“Me, either,” Jack said smiling. He kissed her softly. “Together every day and night. It will be wonderful.”
In March, Gwen gave birth to a healthy baby girl and they named her Leslie. Libbie stayed a week at Gwen’s house to help her with Lynn while she recovered. It had been a difficult week for Libbie. No matter how hard she tried to help, Gwen criticized everything she did, from changing the baby’s diapers to dressing Lynn. Libbie cooked dinner each night
for the family—dishes she’d learned to cook from Bev at the farm—and Walter complimented her on the nice meals, which only angered Gwen more. After a week, Libbie couldn’t take Gwen’s constant criticism anymore and went home, only to find her mother had become ill again. It was more than Libbie could handle, and she began sneaking in a pill or two during the day to cope.
Winter finally melted away into spring, and a week after Libbie turned nineteen in April, she and Jack started searching for a place to rent. Their choices were limited, as they quickly learned that they couldn’t afford to rent a house—even a small one—and pay the utilities. They looked at the few apartments available, but they were small or older run-down places. The apartments for rent over downtown businesses weren’t any better and smelled musty. Libbie wanted a place they could call their own, but she felt discouraged. She didn’t want to live in a shabby place. Jack was disappointed, too, but he told Libbie they’d find the perfect home eventually.
“We just have to keep looking,” he said.
The wedding was drawing near, and Libbie was feeling the strain of her mother constantly taking ill and her father working long hours at his office, staying away from the house more and more. Gwen’s resentment grew each time she had to come help care for their mother. Libbie offered to help, but Gwen flatly told her no. “You wouldn’t know what to do,” Gwen would say. She would bring both kids over to the house and rush between their needs and her mother’s. Libbie hated having Gwen around and being treated like she was useless. She wanted so much to get away from them all, but at least she had her pills to take the edge off her nervousness.
At the end of May, Jack received his diploma for his two-year mechanical degree. They celebrated with friends and family at the farm with a big supper and Jack’s favorite dessert, chocolate cake. Carol and Larry were there, as were Jack’s uncle Rick and his wife, Sarah. Jan had turned seventeen that year, and she invited her new boyfriend, Justin. Jack felt so proud to finally be finished with school. He’d already talked to the garage manager at the Ford dealership and been hired, starting the middle of June, a week after the wedding. It was a better wage than at his uncle’s garage, and he was excited to start their life with a new job.
Finding Libbie Page 10