Healing.
That’s what this was about, and if there was anyone who understood the loss of a child, the desperation to have one, it was her. Perhaps in my quest to heal the deepest of my wounds and reconcile my future with my past, I would also begin again with my mother-in-law.
“Roman’s in Texas right now, correct?” she asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“Yes, then he’ll be back here in Maryland for a home game this weekend.”
Valerie nodded as she poured me a mug of hot tea and added the exact amount of sugar I always took. She’d been paying attention. “Anthony and I are driving down for the game.”
They went to almost all of Romeo’s home games. I thought it was sweet. It made me miss going as well. I’d grown to love football over the past few years.
“He’s grateful for your support,” I told her, accepting the mug when she held it out. “I am, too. He should always have family there to support him.”
Valerie tilted her head a fraction. “You’re welcome to join us in our box anytime. The press is kept out.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I wrapped my hands around the mug, allowing the heat of the tea to seep into my cold fingertips.
“Let’s sit.” She gestured toward the small table in front of a few windows on the other side of the kitchen. “I have to say, when I heard a car coming up the drive, you were the last person I expected to look out the window and see.”
I set the tea down to run my fingers through the blown-out strands of my hair. It was sleek and silky feeling against my skin and, in many ways, a little jarring. I hadn’t worn it straight and down like this for quite a while.
“I was hoping we could talk.” I fidgeted some more with my hair before abandoning it for the mug. “I don’t really have anyone else to, um, go to.”
“I’m always here to talk, anytime you want,” she replied gently. Valerie was a perceptive woman, and I was certain she knew coming here today had been a challenge in itself.
“It’s about the baby,” I blurted out, not knowing how else to bring it up.
“I figured as much. I wanted to call you so many times, but after everything…” She paused, then forged on. “I didn’t want to push or pry. I know we haven’t had the easiest of relationships.”
I laughed lightly. “That’s putting it politely.”
Valerie smiled. I could only hope to age as gracefully as she had. As usual, she was dressed perfectly in a pair of black skinny pants and a cream-colored silk blouse that tied at the side of her neck in a fashionable bow. Her hair was cut into a shoulder-length style that showed off the thick, blond strands, and her makeup was so seamless it practically looked airbrushed.
In addition to her wedding ring, she had several other statement rings on various fingers and a diamond tennis bracelet around her wrist.
“Well, I am a lady,” she retorted with a slight twinkle in her eye.
Was she joking? Did Valerie Anderson actually want to wear boots and joke?
I resisted the urge to glance out the window for signs of an impending apocalypse.
“I’m glad you came by,” she said, her voice taking on a more serious tone.
I swallowed thickly; my throat felt stuffed with cotton, so I drank some of the tea. It didn’t help, but it did stall for time.
“How are you doing?” Valerie asked, giving me a nudge.
The mug made a light thudding sound when I set it on the table. “Not very good,” I whispered, staring down into the dark liquid. I didn’t want to look at Valerie. I was afraid of what I’d see.
Pity. Sorrow. Understanding.
Even though I was here for the understanding, to be honest, I still didn’t want to see it reflected in her eyes. My pain felt singular. Unique. In many ways, the pain was the last connection I had with Evie. If I saw understanding in Valerie’s eyes, I was terrified it would somehow take away what little I had left.
No one can take away Evie. She is and always will be your daughter.
How easy the thoughts come; how very difficult to believe them.
“I feel stuck,” I elaborated. “Like I can’t move on. I want to, but it feels disloyal.”
Valerie reached across the table, her perfectly manicured hand settling over mine and squeezing.
“It hurts,” I admitted, emotion welling up inside me until my own skin felt stretched tight. “It hurts all the time.”
“It’s always going to hurt, sweetheart,” she answered.
I wasn’t expecting that, and I looked up.
She offered me a ghost of a smile and nodded. “There will always be an empty piece inside you that Evie took when she was lost. There will always be days when you look at the calendar and mentally calculate how old she would be that day. You’ll always seek out her face in children who look the way you imagined she would.”
My breathing hitched because she knew.
She knew my thoughts without me having to voice them.
“You keep waiting for the pain to dull, but it hurts a little more every day. People have probably told you it’s been long enough now. They’ve tried to put a limit on your grief.”
I nodded.
She knew.
“People do that because your pain makes them uncomfortable. It’s hard to see. Look at me, Rimmel,” she asserted.
I did because Valerie wasn’t a woman you ignored.
“The love you feel for Evie is not quantifiable; therefore, neither is the time it will take to feel human again. I’ve taken a long, silent look at you over the past year, my daughter-in-law, and I’ve learned quite a lot. But at the top of that list, I have learned your capacity to feel is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. It’s a blessing and a curse for you. A blessing because when you love, it’s with everything inside you. A curse because when you hurt, it’s almost crippling.”
I lifted my hand to brush away a tear trailing over my cheek.
“The good news is you learn to adapt. You learn to live with the loss of your daughter.”
“It feels like I’m betraying her memory,” I whispered. “To move on.”
“I know. But that empty spot I said she took with her?” she asked, and I nodded. “She has that piece of you. And that place inside you? That’s not nearly as empty as it feels. That’s her place now, and she’s going to be there forever.”
More tears fell. She was with me. Always.
“It was my fault.” I wept. “I’m not as strong as Romeo. I couldn’t keep her safe.”
Valerie made a sound and came around the table. The next thing I knew, both her arms were around me; she was hugging me tight.
“I know it feels that way. I blamed myself for years and years, just like you. It isn’t your fault. These things, these horrible things just happen.”
I grabbed her arm where she hugged me and held on. For the very first time since I came out of that shock-induced haze at the hospital, I felt it all at once.
The weight of it all was so cumbersome I thought I would crumble.
I didn’t.
I cried. I felt helpless. I felt guilty.
But I weathered the storm of emotions; that in itself made me feel stronger.
After a while, I pulled back from Valerie’s hold and wiped at my face with the backs of my hands. She released me to rush off and get me some tissues (that she probably got from Target) and set them at my elbow. I took a few minutes to clean up my face and sip at the tea before glancing up.
“Can I ask you something?” The hoarse way I spoke jarred me.
“Of course.”
“You told me once the doctors said you’d never have children. And that you tried for years.” Valerie nodded, so I continued. “Romeo was your miracle baby, but did you ever have a miscarriage like me?”
She smiled sadly. “Two of them. It was after those that the doctors told me I’d never have a child.”
Two. Just the thought of having to survive something like this more than once was enough to make me never want try
again.
“We were devastated, much like you and my son.” She cleared her throat. “Losing a child isn’t something I would wish on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.”
“It still hurts you?” I asked. “Even after all these years?”
“It does. I’ve just learned to live with the pain, and over time, I’ve come to accept it wasn’t anything I’d done. It just wasn’t meant to be.”
I digested her honesty for a few moments before speaking again. “Romeo wants to try again.” I admitted. “He says he isn’t ready until I am, but I just know.”
“My son wants you to be happy.”
“That’s what I want for him.”
Valerie smiled. “Have you talked to Roman, told him how you feel?”
“We’ve talked.” I hedged. “After your first miscarriage, weren’t you afraid it would happen again?”
“Terrified. Then when it did happen, I thought I somehow manifested it to come true because I’d been so worried.”
“Oh, but that’s not true,” I rushed out, instantly feeling empathy for her.
Valerie smiled. “If only you’d let yourself off the hook that easily.”
Yikes. She had a point.
“Having another baby, trying to get pregnant again doesn’t take anything away from your first one. And yes, there is always the risk of another miscarriage, but the chances are slim. And for me, when I weighed the potential pain against the potential joy of holding my baby in my arms, the joy always won.”
I let everything she said to me sink in. We sat and drank our tea in silence, but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. I didn’t think about all the things she’d done to me in the past and how skewed our relationship had become.
She wasn’t that person to me anymore.
She was a mother. A woman who understood pain and loss. An ear and a confidant.
And what was most remarkable?
I hadn’t forgotten a single thing she’d put me through. She was just more than that now.
It made me feel like maybe I could have more, without forgetting about Evie.
“I should have come here sooner,” I finally said.
Valerie laughed. “I never thought I’d hear you say that.”
I snorted. “I never thought I’d say it.”
“You came when you were ready, and I’m glad you did.”
“Me, too,” I whispered.
“Talk to Romeo,” she said, calling him by his nickname for like the first time ever. “Really talk. Don’t be afraid to tell him the things you worry about the most. I think you may realize you have more in common than you think.”
“I think I may be ready now.”
“And if I may suggest something?”
I nodded.
“Go see your doctor, talk to her. Maybe have an exam. Even an ultrasound, if it gives you peace of mind. Then you’ll know everything is as it should be in case you and Roman decide to try again.”
I hadn’t thought of that. I’d been so lost inside my own worst thoughts; I’d forgotten I had some control.
“I think I will.” I nodded.
After that, the conversation went to lighter things. Mostly talk about Romeo and his father. She asked me again to come to the home game and sit in their box, and I agreed. Getting out would be good for me, and any excuse to see my husband was a good one.
A few hours after I walked in, I was shrugging back into the boyfriend blazer to walk out. But on the way out, I felt a little less heavy, a little more unburdened.
As I was stepping out the door, I stopped and turned back. “Thank you, Valerie. I truly mean it. You’re a good mother.”
Her face softened, and she pulled me in for a hug. “Thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me.”
I pulled back and smiled.
“Tell Romeo I said hello!” she called after me. “And Rimmel?”
I glanced over my shoulder as I pulled open the door to my car.
“You may be half the size of my son, but your strength matches his.”
That was probably the nicest thing she’d ever said to me.
It was also the first time I’d ever felt grateful she was in my life.
Romeo
The familiar sound of my cell caused my arm to fling out in my sleep. The ringing didn’t quit when I flipped it over.
It was then I realized it wasn’t the alarm.
“Yeah,” I said into the phone, my eyes still closed.
Rimmel’s voice filled my ear. “Are you still in bed?”
I jolted upright, the sheet falling around my waist, and blinked open my eyes. “Fuck, what time is it?”
“It’s only seven,” she replied, amusement in her tone. “Aren’t you usually training by now?”
I groaned and fell back onto the pillows, making sure I kept the phone at my ear. “Game day,” I murmured. My eyes flew back open. “Rim? What’s wrong?”
My heart started to pound, breath quickening, and I shoved myself up on one arm. She never called me this early.
“Nothing!” she replied quickly. “I’m fine.”
“You’re sure?” I asked, still unable to calm down. Flashes of her tearstained face and the pain in her features that night at the hospital months ago assaulted me.
“I promise,” she vowed. “I just missed you. Figured you’d be up by now.”
“Don’t do that shit to me, baby,” I grumped and lay back on my side, the phone tucked against my ear, held in place by the pillow and my head.
“I have a surprise,” she said, anticipation in her voice.
“Yeah?” I smiled. “Let me guess. We got another dog. And a cat.”
“Romeo!” she admonished.
“A hamster, then.” I teased.
Her giggle filled my head. My chest swelled with love, and I mentally counted the days until I would be able to go home to her.
“No, I didn’t bring home another animal.”
“This time,” I muttered.
She giggled again. “I’m coming to your game tonight!”
“Huh?” I responded, my brain still not fully functioning. Well, that and her words were about the last thing I expected to hear.
“Your parents asked me to sit in their box with them.”
“You’re going to be here tonight?” I clarified, wanting to be sure. Excitement pumped through my veins and woke me the rest of the way.
“Yes! I’m packing a bag right now. We’re leaving in thirty minutes to drive down there.”
“Fuck, baby, that’s so good to hear.” All her words caught up to me. “Wait. Did you say you’re sitting with my parents?”
“Valerie invited me. Their box doesn’t allow press.”
You know it’s bad with the media when Rim chooses to sit with my mother. Usually, my girl sat in the stands, as close to the field as she could. She told me she enjoyed sitting where the fans did, and it was more exciting that way. Plus, she had a closer view of the field.
I knew that really meant she just wanted a close-up of my ass in my uniform.
It was a fine-looking ass.
“You’re sure you’re up for it?” I asked, putting aside my own intense desire to have her here to think of what this might cost her.
I still hadn’t told her about the two million-dollar payday or the fact the stalkerazzi was actively looking for dirt. I didn’t tell her I called her father either.
I should have. I could now. It was hard to pile more on her already full plate. Plus, we got so little time when I was home. I was there and gone. I just wanted us to be normal for a while, enjoy each other.
“Up for seeing you kick ass on the field? Uh, yeah!”
I chuckled. “I’m up for seeing your ass in my bed tonight.”
“Perv,” she clowned.
“You love it.”
Her voice softened, and I could picture her standing there clutching the phone, looking like a mess, with a soft smile on her face. “I do.”
I hated to bring us out of
our little bubble, but I had to. Pushing up on the mattress, I leaned back against the headboard. It was hard as fuck. I glanced back at it, scowling. I missed my house. Being in a different hotel room every week sucked balls. It was easy to forget what city I was in if the games were too close together.
Technically, I really didn’t have to be in a hotel right now. Not here anyway. Since this was a home game and we were here at home base, I could have gotten my own place. B and I talked about getting a small apartment for when we were in town training, doing press, and games. However, I didn’t so much like the idea.
I had a home already, one I wasn’t eager to replace. Or add to.
Point was any place Rim wasn’t was no place for me. That apartment would have been just as cold as this hotel room.
And yeah, if we had an apartment, we’d have to clean and shit. Here at the hotel, we had room service, housekeeping, and someone at the front desk who respected our privacy and didn’t give out our room numbers. It worked, and if it wasn’t broke, I wasn’t about to try and fix it.
“Rim, I want you to come. I miss you. But you gotta know the press will still be around. They always are. They’ll be out of the box but still everywhere else.”
She sighed. “I know. I can’t hide forever, Romeo. I don’t want to miss your games. You’re my husband, and I want to support you. I already told you I think if I stop hiding, they may just see we’re fine and move on.”
I really didn’t think so. It was too much money. I wanted to keep her locked away, safe from prying eyes and idiot questions… but how reasonable was that? Would hiding even help, or would it only serve to isolate her more—to the point she could only dwell on the reason she was staying out of sight?
Fucking convoluted thoughts.
Thank God I got to run the field tonight. I had a feeling I was going to need it.
“I’ll make security aware you’ll be in the stadium. They can make sure you aren’t hassled on your way to the box.”
“I miss you,” she told me.
“Ah, baby, me, too. This hotel bed is going to be a lot more comfortable tonight with you in it.”
We talked a few more minutes before she had to go finish packing so they could leave. Apparently, Ivy and Nova were coming, too. All of them would be in the box tonight. The girls were all driving down together, meeting my parents.
#Bae (The Hashtag Series Book 8) Page 11