“My accident was not your fault.”
He shook his head once. “That’s not what I’m guilty of.”
“Then what?” I pressed.
He glanced away. Then in the mirror, our eyes met again. “Guilty of loving you more than I loved our daughter.”
Romeo
The truth comes out. It always does.
Not that there had ever been a lie. I’d just kept quiet about some of my deepest thoughts. I wanted to protect her.
To protect myself.
I felt guilty. Painfully so. Like the worst kind of man.
But these were my burdens to bear. It wasn’t her responsibility to know the weight I carried. My job was to carry it all… and hers as well.
The look on her face said it all. Of all the words I could have strung together, those never even crossed her mind.
What must she think?
What would she when I finally confided my own despair?
I guess even sometimes the strongest fought battles that threatened to bring them down. But I was still standing. My sword might be dull, my armor scuffed, but I wasn’t done fighting.
I would never stop.
However, the time had come for this silent battle to become pronounced.
“What?” Rimmel echoed as if in shock. Slowly, she turned away from the mirror, gently grabbed my wrist, and took the brush from my palm.
It made an audible click on the stone counter when she set it aside, but our eyes remained on each other.
I nodded. “I feel guilty, Rim, so goddamn guilty. I didn’t want you to know.”
She made a slight sound of distress, rushed the centimeters between us, and wrapped her arms around my waist. Her body pressed in close, gripping me like she was on a rollercoaster and I was the safety bar.
I was surprised. I didn’t expect a hug. I actually didn’t know what I expected.
Maybe part of me expected her repulsion.
It was irrational, though. Rim wasn’t like that, and she never would be. I knew this. Still, sometimes it was hard to reason with emotions that tried to break you down.
“C’mon,” she whispered, took my hand, and led me from the bathroom.
The bedroom was dim. Only the light from the bathroom filtered in. Both dogs were snoring but stopped and beat their tails against the floor as soon as Rim came into sight.
It made me realize something.
She was a collector of lost souls. The forgotten, the bypassed, the most beautiful at heart. Rimmel saw beauty no one else saw, and even though how she made others feel was amazing, it was nothing compared to the way it made her shine.
She would love me through this, in spite of this, because though my feelings were ugly, she would see beyond them.
I hit the switch for the fireplace, the subtle whooshing of flames catching with gas filling the room. Firelight shimmered through the room, giving everything an elusive glowing cast.
She perched on the side of the bed, her legs so short they hung off the side like she was a kid sitting in one of those folding movie theater chairs that half folded up on them because they weren’t heavy enough to keep the seat down.
Damp hair cascaded down her back, some thick, dark strands falling over her shoulders to frame her pale cheeks. They had a lot more color now. The pink was a little too pronounced. It reminded me of her taking an airbag to the face just hours before.
In the shower, I’d seen the bruises. A purple, mottled stripe covered her chest and collarbone from where the seatbelt had locked around her body. Her knee was bruised, too. She said she didn’t remember how it happened. My guess was she smacked it into the dash on collision.
There were more random bruises all over her. I tried not to look at them too long beneath the spray. They made me sick.
“God, when that call came through,” I said, my voice sounding choked inside my head. “I didn’t know how bad you were, what had happened… just the possibility of losing you, Rim.” I couldn’t finish. Instead, I shook my head.
“You didn’t.” She held her hands out to me. I stepped up. Rimmel leaned forward, pressing her forehead to the center of my stomach. My hands fell to her shoulders, one cupping the base of her neck.
“I don’t think I could survive it.”
“We survived Evie,” she whispered.
Beneath her head, my abs rippled as my muscles flexed.
“That’s the thing, Rim. The thing I can’t forgive myself for. I didn’t want you to know.”
Her head lifted off my skin, dark eyes imploring mine. She wasn’t wearing her glasses, so I saw right in. “Of course. You didn’t get the chance to meet your daughter.”
I made a sound, pacing away. “No.” I leaned forward, placing both hands on the mantle and leaning forward. I didn’t want to look at her when I said this. I stared at the flames instead.
I spoke three words. Three words that were not I love you. Three words that had stayed tucked inside me as the ultimate plague. “I was relieved.”
“Relieved about what?” she puzzled. Fuck, the innocence in her voice; it was almost too much.
Maybe that’s why I’d been so afraid to admit this to her. She was so innocent, so unconditional… This was why I was so afraid she wouldn’t understand.
Rimmel would never feel like this. I didn’t think she was even able.
The vile thoughts raced through my head and propelled me around. I jerked, staring at her from across the room. “Relieved it was Evie that died and not you.”
Rimmel sucked in a breath.
I pushed on, afraid if I didn’t spill it all right now, I’d never do it.
“I still remember,” I whispered. “The way you looked that morning, stepping out into the bathroom with blood smeared between your legs. It wasn’t even that much, but to me, it seemed like buckets.”
As I spoke, Rimmel tucked her knees against her chest, locking them close with her arms. Wide, brown eyes peered at me from over them.
“You doubled over. The way you clenched your body like the pain was ripping you in half. You felt so small in my arms when I ran through the house with you, and then the empty way you stared off at the hospital. You didn’t cry at first. You didn’t say anything at all. Tears ran down your face, but it’s like you didn’t even notice.”
“Romeo,” she whispered, despair in her voice.
“The way the doctors hovered around you. The pain on your face from whatever was happening inside you… It scared me. It fucking tore me to the bones. All I could think was there could be complications, that whatever took Evie might take you, too.”
Rimmel unfolded herself off the bed and hopped down. I was lost in the memory of that day. I didn’t notice her approach until her arms wound around me and the warmth of her cheek hit my chest.
“Keep talking,” she whispered.
“I prayed. Outside your room that day while you were being examined, I prayed to God. I asked him—no, I begged him not to take you. I actually told him if he had to take someone, to take our daughter… anyone but you. Then the doctor came out. He shook his head at me, and I nearly crumbled. I grabbed him by the front of his scrubs you know. I slammed him up against the wall.”
I felt her shock at the confession. She’d had no idea of my idiotic behavior. A nurse ran down the hall, called for security, but the doctor waved her away.
“‘My wife,’ I’d growled, almost like I dared him to tell me you were gone. ‘Your wife will be fine, but your daughter is gone.’ That’s what he told me.”
I hugged him then. I went from one extreme to the other. I hugged a man I’d never met and just threatened with bodily harm, right there in front of everyone. “You know what I said to him?”
“What?” Rimmel asked.
“I said, ‘Thank God it wasn’t Rim.’”
“That doesn’t make you a bad man.” Rimmel began.
I made a sound. “I walked into that room and looked at you. My whole world came back together… Then I realized your e
ntire world had just fallen apart.”
I tucked my arms around her, holding her against me.
“It sank in what I’d done, that’d I’d literally been praying, bartering for your life over my own daughter’s. What the fuck kind of father does that make me? What kind of man? You cried so much that night it killed me.”
“You loved our daughter,” Rimmel said, absolute. “I know you did.”
“I did. I loved her so much, but I love you more. I will always love you more than anyone, Rimmel, even any child we create.”
“It’s a different kind of love, Romeo.” She took my hand and led me toward the bed. “The love you have for me is a different kind of love than the kind you have for a child.”
“I chose you.” I rubbed a hand over my face.
“It’s okay,” she murmured, pressing a hand to my chest. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you that day.”
“I don’t want to do it again,” I said, hard. “And then I got that call earlier…”
“That’s why you were so mad,” she said, almost to herself.
“No,” I bit out, my mouth thinning. “I’m mad because of the first words out of your damn mouth.”
Her mouth formed a little O.
“Don’t worry. I’m not pregnant. That’s what you said to me. As if I were only rushing there because I thought my kid might be inside you.”
I shoved away from the bed, pacing some more. I felt agitated, hot… misunderstood.
“I’ve been living with this constant voice in the back of my head since Evie, this stupid nagging worry that you might be ripped away. That day I came home and your car wasn’t in the garage? Yeah, I damn near pissed my pants because I was afraid you might not be here.”
She made a sound, half strangled, half alarmed.
“Do you remember what I said to you when I found you crying on the bathroom floor?”
Her teeth sank into her lower lip, and she nodded once.
“What?” I demanded. I wanted her to say it.
“All I had to do was breathe.”
“I meant that.” I nodded once. “It’s all I care about. As long as you breathe, as long as you’re here with me, then everything else is just details.”
“I thought you wanted a baby,” she whispered.
“I do. But I want you more. You could tell me right now that your doctor said you couldn’t ever have a child, and I wouldn’t care. It’s you I want. Before anyone else, Rim. That’s what you are to me. Forever. You come before anyone else.”
Tears fell over her lashes, dripping down her cheeks. She wiped at them and made a sound that was half hiccup and half snort. “I love you before anyone else, too. It’s why I’ve been fighting so hard to come back to you. I choose you, Romeo Anderson.”
I rushed across the room and grabbed her. Her legs locked around my waist as I held her, and my mouth crashed over hers. I kissed her deep and hard. I was rough, likely too rough, but I didn’t think about that. I only thought about getting inside her, feeling her… tasting the words she just spoke before they evaporated off her tongue.
I was still attacking her mouth when her fingertips dug into my head and pulled back. I felt half drunk when I tried to focus on her. I just wanted back between her lips.
“I can have a baby.”
I glanced up, gaining some of that focus I’d been failing at.
She gave me a timid smile. “The doctor said she saw no reason we can’t have another child.”
“What’s the risk to you?” I asked.
“I’ll be fine.”
I set her away from me, even though my body screamed in protest. “You still want my baby? Do you still think I’ll make a good father? After everything I just told you?”
“Oh, yes. You already are the most amazing father ever.”
I shook my head.
Rimmel took my face in her palms, forcing my head down so she could look up into my eyes. “I blamed myself every day for losing Evie. I blamed my body, my luck, even all the stupid pickles I ate. I still blame myself sometimes. I know I always will.”
“That wasn’t your fault,” I ground out. I didn’t want her blaming herself.
“It wasn’t yours either.”
My eyes flashed to hers.
“You begging God for my life even at the expense of hers was not what made me miscarry. She was gone before we even left the house that morning. You were scared. I would have done the same thing.”
I snorted. “No. You wouldn’t.”
“I went into the stands at a football game to stake my claim over you to a bunch of Lite Brite bobbleheads. I was prepared to throw down,” she said, matter-of-fact. Almost as if she were a little badass. “If I’m willing to do that over a stupid list, imagine what I’m capable of if I were truly afraid you were being taken from me.”
Warmth suffused my chest. I chuckled because she thought she was going to throw down at the game. Like I’d have allowed that.
She still loved me. The same way she had an hour ago. I saw it in her eyes. I felt it in my soul.
“I forgive you, Romeo, even though there really is nothing to forgive. You loved Evie, and I know if she were here right now, you’d be wrapped around her little finger, and she would be a daddy’s girl.”
She forgave me.
Her hands rested on either side of my waist. “But it isn’t my forgiveness you need. It’s your own. It’s okay to be human. You don’t have to be alpha all the time.”
“I am.” I argued.
She smiled. “Well, yes, you are. Even now. That’s how I know you have the strength to forgive yourself.”
“I’m not sure I can.” I admitted. It seemed like I would be letting myself off awfully easy.
“I know. It won’t come overnight. I’m still working on it, too. We can do it together.”
“I really fucking love you.”
“I’m sorry I scared you tonight.”
“I shouldn’t have gotten so pissed about what you said. I just… Don’t ever put yourself behind anyone else, baby. Never. You are irreplaceable to me.”
Her lips made contact over my heart. She pressed in, kissing deep. My eyes drifted closed.
Rimmel pulled away and crawled up onto the bed and into the center of the one million pillows. She lay back, sinking right into them all.
I crawled up alongside her, but that shit was lumpy and uncomfortable as hell.
I made a rude sound and started flinging the offending pillows all over the room. Rimmel lay against the comforter and watched; I felt her eyes like the most sensual caress.
“Kiss me,” she demanded.
I kissed her. I always did what she told me.
Well, when it involved using my tongue.
I felt lighter somehow, like the worst of the storm had passed and all that remained were some storm clouds with a rainbow peeking through.
Rim was the rainbow.
I pulled back, pressed our foreheads together, and lazily perused her face. My body pressed hers into the mattress. I loved the give in her body when I was on top of her. Her fingertips danced along my spine, exploring the expanse of my back.
We stayed like that a long time, just staring at each other, her hands grazing along my bare skin.
When the tension became too much, our lips met again. I stroked into her mouth, made love to it with mine. Our tongues slid against the other, and I sucked her lower lip into my mouth.
Her fingers tightened against my back. The nipples beneath her T-shirt grew firm. Desire blanketed the room like freshly fallen snow.
It was almost like the first time all over again, as if I were experiencing her body like I hadn’t already a million times. She trembled under me, her leg slid between mine, and her fingertips played in the hair at my nape, tugging and pulling me closer.
When air became essential, I tipped her head back to scrape my teeth down her neck and suck her collarbone between my lips.
She moaned and arched agains
t me.
I pulled back, rolling off her. “You need to rest.”
Rimmel sat up, peeled the T-shirt over her head, and revealed to me her completely naked body. “I want you.” She lay back down beside me, her breasts on full display.
As I took in my fill, her hand found the tie on my waistband to slowly tug it free. I was already hard, painfully so. My body begged to claim her; after everything tonight, the urge to fill her was powerful.
A small hand delved into my pants, brushed against my swollen head, and wrapped around my rod.
I sucked in a breath because it felt so good.
Rimmel stroked me for a while as I stared at every inch of her body before me. Usually, I was all over her, but tonight, I used my eyes. I let my stare do the talking. It worked as well as my hands. Because she pumped me a little harder, the skin on her chest became flushed and her limbs grew restless.
When she started pushing at my pants, I rolled on top of her, settling between her widespread legs. My hand dipped between us, and I stroked upward, my fingers instantly coated with her arousal.
I smiled, dipped my head to her breasts, and lavished attention on the pair with wild abandon.
Rimmel strained against me. “Please, Romeo.” She panted.
My vision was hazy, my brain drunk. The room smelled like sex, and I hadn’t even entered her yet. I pushed down my sweats, not even bothering to kick them off completely. My cock sprang free, and Rimmel reached for it. I lifted so it was just out of reach.
She made a sound, and I smiled.
Slowly, I shifted, rocking so the tip teased her entrance. I groaned because her liquid coated me instantly, a feeling I hadn’t known in a long time.
I only allowed myself that one slip, not even entering her, just sliding along her slit. Resting on both elbows, I took her mouth again, kissing her lazily as her hips searched for what it wanted.
Desire pumped in my blood, so strong it made my heart pound. Even though I moved slow and languid, it felt like I’d just done an hour of cardio.
It’s just what she did to me.
She moved against me until she hit the spot she wanted, and I slipped inside.
Both of us moaned. Even though I held my body still, my cock twitched. I couldn’t help it. I stroked into her a little farther, fully sheathing my dick in her silky, tight heat.
#Bae (The Hashtag Series Book 8) Page 20