“Stupid,” I huff, slamming my fists on the table. “Fucking stupid, caterpillar.”
I don’t miss that I called myself caterpillar. I’m no longer Erin. I don’t want to be the shy pushover I always was. I want to be different. I feel different. I’ve never contemplated killing someone before, never taken offence to anything, and always called myself the culprit. I teased Rob and made him want me. I worked on my fitness so he’d want to fuck me. At fifteen, I was the slut. It was my fault I had to pull out of the Olympics before my secret was revealed and the whole world knew how much of a slut I was. I’ve always taken the blame, asked for it, because I was the one who fucked my coach. Cooper has made me see differently, and I have a sudden overwhelming desire to punish the man who fucked his fifteen-year-old student, made her feel like she knew what love was; he made me afraid to step out of the box. Cooper has obliterated the box, shown me beauty in violence, and liberation in aggression. I want to kill Rob. I need to keep him quiet. I need to protect Cooper. I need him to wake up so he can tell me what I’m supposed to do now.
The rest of the day moves slowly. I watch the entire Dark Knight trilogy by myself, pausing in between and checking on Cooper. At some point, as the sun begins to set on another day, a butterfly makes its way into the TV room, and I swear I’ve seen it before—outside the tower, and when I woke up after passing out on the doorstep when Cooper broke my wrist. I still need to have it re-casted; I contemplated calling Dr Reese, but after my mistake calling Rob, I haven’t touched Cooper’s phone since. The butterfly flutters around the room and I watch it, mesmerised. There’s something beautiful about a butterfly, beyond the generic beauty everyone sees. They’re selfish creatures, evasive and captivating. I imagine a butterfly with teeth, what would happen if one snuck up on me, charmed me with its ballet, just to strike when I think I’m safe. Cooper is like my imaginary butterfly, stunning on the outside, and equally as fascinating and captivating on the inside because he has secrets I’ll never understand; secrets hidden, even from himself. The butterfly lands on my cast, its wings stopping and pulling together to make it seem two-dimensional when it’s anything but. I want it to take me, like I want Cooper to take me. I want the butterfly to carry me on its wings and show me the true darkness behind its existence.
“Ugh.”
I jump when Cooper enters the room, scratching his head. I smile as I watch him stumble across the room and slump onto the sofa next to me. His hair is a mess, standing in different directions, and he’s scrubbing at his eyes like he’s just woken from hibernation.
“Good evening, sunshine.”
He groans again, dropping his head back and closing his eyes.
“It’s worse than the worst hangover you could think of.”
“Do you get them?” I ask. “Can you drink?”
“Not on my meds,” he says, shaking his head. “I’ve been drunk, and it’s dangerous for everyone in the vicinity.”
“Does it help, alcohol?”
He shakes his head again. “I’m out of control enough. I can’t risk alcohol taking every little bit of it I keep hold of.”
“You haven’t asked me why I’m still here.”
“I don’t need to.” He opens his eyes, and his steely eyes penetrate me. My skin heats beneath his gaze and I blush. “You said so yourself, you don’t want a death on your conscience.”
I did say that. I didn’t want his death on my conscience. Rob’s was another matter.
“When you’re fifteen, your mind works differently,” I say, looking away from him and staring into the now black screen on the TV. “Hormones are crazy, and no amount of warning that they’re coming can save you from the effect of the change. I didn’t know what growing up meant. I just knew I was going to have periods and they meant I could have a baby one day. I didn’t realise…”
“What they did to this little thing called a libido.”
“Exactly.”
“You should have had a better education than the one that cunt gave you.”
“I know that now.” I bow my head and play with the frayed strips of cast. “But at the time, I wanted the older man who wanted me. I trusted him. I felt closer to him than I did my own parents, at a time when I was demanding and bitchy, unreasonable and…”
“Selfish.”
I shake my head. “I just poured everything I had into the pool…and Rob.”
“You loved him.”
I nod. “I thought I did. It’s only now that I realise it was a dark love I should have never given into.”
“You’re right.” His voice is gravelly with subtle aggression. “You should have had the soft, caring love designed for a child.”
“Not now,” I confess. “It was what I thought I wanted. It’s why I grabbed at what Griffin offered when I met him. He promised something I’d never had before. Security. With Rob it was always confusing. I was always chasing his experience and trying to match it.”
“You shouldn’t have had to. You know I’m going to kill him, don’t you?” I gasp. He’s so absolute in his words. There is no remorse. There isn’t even rage. Killing Rob isn’t an impulsive thought. Cooper has been set on it for a while, and I squeeze his hand in understanding. “It’s why I watch him. I know his schedule. I’ve memorised his routine. I know where he’ll be at any given time, so I know how to get away with killing him for stealing your innocence.”
“He did,” I whisper, with a nod. I don’t know how to voice what I’ve come to realise about myself since being here with Cooper. He offers everything I shouldn’t have had with Rob, and all the things I wanted with Griffin. And so much more. “But now…now I want it.”
“With Rob?” His hold becomes punishing, squeezing my fingers to the point of pain, forcing them to throb with the need to pump blood beyond his grip. “You can’t be serious.”
“Not with Rob. I realise I was under his hold. For the past four years, I’ve been working with him like we’re equals. We’ve never been equal. I’ve always just been a captive to what he made me feel before. Everything I remember as a teenager is him. He created who I am. But...”
“But what?”
“Cooper.”
I can’t talk to him when I know he’s imagining breaking my neck. He’s anticipating an answer I’m not going to give. He won't be ready for what I actually plan on saying.
“What?” he snaps.
“Clear your mind. I can’t talk to you when you’re ready to kill me.”
“Just fucking spill it, Erin.”
“I want that with you,” I say quickly, purging the words in one breath. “All the things Rob taught me about myself, are all the things I want to explore with you.” Cooper’s breath hitches. “You took me like he did, so I know you share something with him. But with you, I don’t want to break free. I want you to give me those things. He showed me what they are, but you…you made me want them.”
“What about your fiancé?”
“He knows we’re incompatible. Maybe I would have married him. Maybe we would have had a couple of kids. But Rob changed who I am. Those things are no longer the things I need. I’m not sure I ever did.”
“So you need a crazy spy because your predator swim coach made you a deviant?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Maybe he was just preparing me for all the things I need to do to save us.”
“So he’s a hero now?”
“Nope.” I smile and move quickly to straddle Cooper. “He’s on borrowed time. Which is why I should tell you what happened today…”
Cooper doesn’t react how I expected him to. I expected him to rage instantly, but he stares at me calmly with nothing but a firm grip on my hips to tell me he heard me. I thought he’d hit me, but he doesn’t. Instead he tilts his head and smirks.
“And what do you want to do now?” he asks.
I’m not used to the anger, to the craving for revenge that Cooper so readily embraces, but I keep my eyes on his to show him I’m not afraid of my choice. I wo
n't regret my decision and I won't change my mind.
“I want to kill him with you.”
“Why?” he presses, flexing his fingers against me.
“Because I’m not the only one he hurt.” There is a hint of jealousy and I know Cooper senses it, but he says nothing. He’s urging me to continue. “He can’t keep abusing children.”
“So go to the police.”
I shake my head. “He’s too smart. He’s got things on you, hasn’t he?” Cooper shrugs. “I know he has—it makes sense now. Whatever it is you do for Brad, Rob is involved. You don’t want to do it, do you?”
“Cheat?” I nod. “No, I don’t.”
“What is it they have on you?”
“I killed a man,” he whispers. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed of the act, or that he’s having to confess to taking a life. “I was drunk; I don’t really remember it. It wasn’t long after I got out of the hospital. Brad took me out, showed me what a life without expectation would be like. I don’t know how it happened…”
“How did you do it?”
“With my bare hands. It was a fight, and I won. But I lost in the long run, because Brad has it on tape. He recorded the whole thing, and it was his plan to blackmail me with the threat of incarceration if I didn’t do as he asked. He sent me to college, I got my degree and my masters, and I set up my company because he funded it. I didn’t have anything left. Swimming was all I knew and…”
“A man like you couldn’t survive in prison.”
He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t. I couldn’t go away because of a moment of insanity. They’d give me a bill, send me away, and I’d never see Doe again.”
“And that’s why we have to kill them. Both of them.”
“Not yet.” I grip his t-shirt in preparation to fight, but he takes hold of my wrists and shakes his head. “If we kill one, we’ll be found before we have time to get to the other.”
“We need them together.”
He nods and smirks, chewing on his bottom lip. “I’m curious as to why you didn’t call your parents, or Griffin.”
“No need to be. They don’t care. I read your email, Cooper. There are plenty of flags in there ready to be raised, but my mother didn’t take the time to notice. Rob cares…in some fucked up way, Rob cares, and I just wanted to talk to someone who was a part of the old me.”
“I should punish you.”
“You should.”
“But you’re my blindspot.”
My turn to tilt my head and frown in confusion. “What does that mean?”
“It means that I want to lash out. I want to hurt you because I can’t bear that you’re in control and I’m not.”
“But…?”
“But I’m also paranoid. After everything you’ve said today, and done the last few days, I know I’ve got you. I got what I wanted, but it’ll only take a second to change it. I can’t be myself around you.”
“You have to be yourself around me, or this isn’t going to work. What do you want to do?”
“Tie you up, whip you until you bleed, and fuck you until you pass out.”
“And if I consent?”
“Then it wouldn’t be a punishment.” He leans closer, taking a hold of my throat to whisper in my ear. “So instead I’ll give you a warning. Don’t touch my stuff again. Despite my agreeance, you’ve pressed the button on the stopwatch. You’ve forced me into planning, and things go wrong when I plan. Rob isn’t stupid. He’ll talk to Brad and they’ll begin covering their asses. If things weren’t dangerous before, they are now. They’ll come for you.”
“I know.”
“It’s the only thing they know they can hurt me with. With you in danger, I’ll unravel. Without you, I’ll self-destruct.”
“I know.”
“We have to let them take you.”
I knew it was coming. The second he talked about planning, I knew I would be part of it. I won’t be able to storm in with a gun raised, take two lives, and walk away unscathed and unthreatened.
“I guess I know that, too.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. We need your crazy to get us through this.”
“There’s no guarantee we will.”
“We will.”
“I have to stop taking my meds.”
I still, shifting on him to climb off, but he holds me still. “Why?”
“I can’t risk falling asleep. I have to be awake when they take you. I have to be ready to kill them without stabilizers and dampeners getting in the way.”
“Will you hurt me?” He nods. “How bad?”
With a sigh, Cooper stands, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the room. The sedative lingers in his blood, making his movements slow and calculated. His physical strength is no less menacing, as he refuses to let me go, but he growls at his body’s hindrance. I have to help him. I have to aid him. We have to be ready, and Cooper can’t be the one carrying the load. I won't be the useless bait.
“When they take me, you’ll end this?” I ask as he leads me towards the tower. “The cheating, the hiding, the revenge mission?”
“It’ll all end, Caterpillar.” His tone sends shivers down my spine. “It’ll all be over.”
The confident, arrogant Cooper I met just weeks ago has disappeared. I’ve become his weakness. I’ve put us in danger.
Cooper opens the door to the tower and shoves me inside. I tumble to the floor and stay on my knees facing him.
“Take your clothes off.”
“What?”
“I’ve given you too much freedom and you must learn to live as a prisoner. I won't tell you again, Caterpillar. Take your fucking clothes off.”
The Cooper who stole me has returned, and his eyes cloud over until they resemble a storm promising destruction. This is no act. He isn’t pretending he wants me as a prisoner; I'm his captive in every way, and if I don’t do as he asks I’m in trouble. I take my t-shirt off first, dropping it to the floor as I stand and tug on the pyjama bottoms I’d found in his bottom drawer when he was sedated.
“All of them.”
He growls, shooting me an animalistic snarl as he eyes my underwear. I take my bra off and slip out of my knickers, keeping my eyes on him as he approaches me and reaches into his pocket. When he’s standing in front of me, with his heat enveloping us in a cloud of lust, he holds out a delicate silver chain.
“Turn around.”
I turn slowly so my back is to him, and sigh when he reaches in front of me and settles a small butterfly pendant on my chest, quickly fastening it and turning me back around.
“Erin is gone,” he says, assessing my body from head to toe, naked except for his gift. “From now on, you are Caterpillar. You will answer to, and refer to yourself as nothing else.”
“I understand.”
Is he doing this to protect me? To encourage me to take on a new identity to keep Erin Thompson in one piece? I’m not convinced. He promised me he would ruin me, and changing my name is the first step of the transition into the woman he plans on making me.
“What’s your name?”
“Caterpillar.”
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Tell me again.”
“Caterpillar.” I reach out and touch him, wincing when he covers my hand with his and applies pressure to his chest. “My name is Caterpillar.”
With a nod, Cooper steps out of my hold and walks towards the door.
“Remember you did this,” he says as he opens the door and looks at me over his shoulder. “I only wanted to protect you.”
He closes the door when he leaves, and after a few seconds, the lights shut off and I’m left in total darkness.
Antisocial personality disorder is characterised by impulsive, irresponsible and criminal behaviour. It means I act without thought, ignoring the risks, and refuse to give a fuck if I’m breaking the law.
Borderline personality disorder affects my mood, how I interact around others, and how I conduct r
elationships. It means I’m happy one minute and suicidal the next. It means I don’t care about hurting others’ feelings, and I don’t care about how their days have been, how they’re finding the weather, or if they’re happy leading their mediocre lives. It means I fixate on relationships; I can’t make them or maintain them. It means I hurt anyone who has the stupidity to form an attachment to me.
Combine the two and I’m a textbook crazy. Throw Caterpillar into the mix and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I can’t keep her; I’d be turning my back on everything I know about myself if I entertain the idea of us having a happy ever after. I’ll kill her, either because the fucking antisocial personality disorder forces me to shoot her at point blank range; or my obsession with her will crush who she is until she takes her own life to escape me—like my mother did…like I tried to do.
It doesn’t matter that she called Rob; it doesn’t matter that Brad will know I have a weakness. For years I’ve kept him in the dark, fucking and marrying Kate because he knew I didn’t give a fuck if she was around or not. I kept up the same pretence with Doe—told him I didn’t care about the brat, couldn’t wait until she turned eighteen and fucked off to live her own life. But now he knows I took Caterpillar. He’ll make the connection with Rob, realise I’ve been watching her for years, and he’ll punish her for it.
The only way out is to kill them both, and set Caterpillar free.
Today.
Tomorrow, I’ll want to kill him, and then want to kill Caterpillar because if she can’t be mine, no one can have her.
Fuck.
I drag my hands through my hair and stare into the bathroom cupboard. I’m supposed to take my third dose, right before I climb in bed and dream I’m a normal man, with normal prospects. I can’t take them. I can’t fall asleep, because Brad is coming for me. He’ll speak to Rob, put two and two together, and he’ll jump on the first available flight to remind me why I work for a prick like him. Because I killed a man. Two, actually, but Caterpillar doesn’t need to know the specifics. It was a fight orchestrated by my coach. He got me drunk on whiskey and tequila and then sent me home because I couldn’t take it. Two men waited for me outside my apartment block, and they jumped me as I fumbled for my keys. Brad knew that if they didn’t kill me, I’d kill them, and he planned on recording either outcome. My lung was weak—one punch would have ruptured it and left me drowning in the street while my daughter slept upstairs. I didn’t let them touch me; the order of events was blurred, but I sent one’s nose up into his skull, and the other suffered a broken rib that pierced his lung, and he died like I should have.
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