Butterfly

by Rebecca Sherwin

With a disgusting lament of sick pleasure, Brad lets himself go and yet another warm spurt hits me, making me jump. It’s searing, no hint of relaxation like the adverts for the shower gel promise. It just makes me feel disgusting. It makes me feel tainted. It makes me feel like property, and I barely register him gathering up his cum and pushing it into me. I feel his knuckle halt his intrusion, but I’m numb. I don’t feel him penetrating me, twisting his finger, lubricating me with his sperm. I feel nothing, until he climbs off me, and Rob takes his place.

  “See, Brad’s happy to hurt you,” he says, parting my cheeks and nudging the tip of his cock into me. I tense up, my body’s final effort to avoid rape. “But he’s agreed not to touch you in all the places I claimed when you were a little girl. There’s one place you didn’t let me in.” He flexes his hips, and I’m too exhausted to push back to keep him out. “Did you let Cooper fuck your delicious arse?” I say nothing, remembering the beads, the times he fingered and fucked me, and trying to pretend this is just another one of Cooper’s games. “Did you let him fill you up, Caterpillar?”

  I growl. He can’t call me that. I try to wrap myself tighter in the cocoon, but it’s cracking. It wants to let me go, but once it does, I’m finished.

  “Ah, she doesn’t like that.” He strokes my hair and I shake my head to remove his touch. “But I thought it was your name. No matter.” I’d managed to distract him for a second, but he has remembered what he’s doing. The head of his cock, hot and hard and angry against me, won’t let him forget. Brad rests his forearms over my shoulders, cutting off my breathing as he squashes my battered body to the floor. Rob is done wasting time, teasing me with torture, and when he slams into me, I lose it. My tears fall and burn my cheeks. Bile rises to my throat and I choke on it, making Rob hiss as I clench around him with the action.

  “So fucking tight, sweetheart,” he grunts, pumping away inside me. “I always knew it would be like this.”

  Like what? How could anyone possibly imagine something so…so…destroying? He’s destroying me, with every pump of his disgusting tool, and every time his swollen balls smash against me. I can feel the bubbles trying to keep me safe as the soap collides with the remains of the captor I fell in love with, the toxic cum of Rob’s brother, and the heat of Rob’s precum, until I’m bubbling and foaming, every inch of my body purged of my life with Cooper. I thought he had ruined me, but this—this is death. This is what death feels like, and as my lungs fight for air, my body falls apart one nerve at a time, and Rob rewarded me with sweet words of lovers—not those of brutal rape and degradation—I let go. The cocoon crushed in on me and ruined all hopes of me becoming a butterfly. I was nothing but a crumbled shell of where a butterfly once lived, hoping for more.

  Food. I can smell it. I can almost taste it. It’s so close I can reach out and touch it, but I don’t. I remain curled up on the floor, in what I now know was once the family changing room of the leisure centre. I’m not dead. Their rape didn’t kill me…physically. Mentally, emotionally, I’m done. Finished. Rotting and decomposing. It’s only a matter of time before the rest of my body catches up and allows me to float away on the breeze. I wanted wings. I wanted to fly. I wanted to drift with the butterflies in the bush outside Cooper’s house. But now…where will I go now? Will I be left here, to rest in torment, in a deserted leisure centre—the kind of building I once called home?

  The room is silent and I know I’m alone. They’ve brought me food, left me a blanket, and fresh clothes on a pile in the corner. They’ve left the lights on too, the bright fluorescents drawing my attention to the bruises on my body that match the cracks in my soul, and the mess that were once my un-abused insides.

  Opening one eye, I look at the plate. Scrambled egg. What is it with kidnappers and bowls of egg?

  This wouldn’t have happened if I stayed with Griffin. Memories of our mundane but safe life together bring the scent of him to invade my senses. Cooper has gone. Whatever hold I’ve been keeping on him, it’s gone. I can’t remember his touch. I can’t remember the chlorine clinging to his body that made me want him every minute of the day, the circumstance that brought us together be damned. I can’t remember the way his steel-grey eyes trapped me more absolutely than him drowning me and locking me in his home. All I can remember is Griffin. I don’t want to remember him…he didn’t try to save me. He didn’t try to keep me. We were over long before Cooper crashed into my life in a whirlwind of intensity and disorder. And now…he’s all I can think about. A knock on the door makes me jump, terror bringing hypersensitivity to my flesh, and even my goosebumps have goosebumps.

  “Sweetheart,” Rob calls through the door, as if privacy is a privilege I deserve to be granted after what they did. He opens the door, standing in the doorway like Hades himself. “It’s time.”

  “Time?” I breathe, my voice scratchy from screaming. “For what?”

  He crosses the room and pulls me to my feet, cupping my face and stroking my trembling bottom lip with his thumb.

  “Time to go home.” He smiles, tilting his head to assess me as if for the last time. “Your fiancé has come to claim his prize.”

  A prize? I’m no prize; there’s nothing left to claim. The minute I shot Cooper, my life was over.

  My fiancé? I have no fiancé. I belong to Cooper, and Cooper is dead.

  I killed him. There’s no one to save me now. I can’t even save myself.

  It’s over.

  “Come on, sweetheart, I don’t have all day.” Grabbing my elbow, Rob drags me towards the door. “It’s time to go home.”

  I have no home. I have nowhere to go. There’s nowhere I want to go. I stumble, my feet and legs unwilling and unable to let Rob lead me to the guillotine. I have no fiancé.

  Maybe they’ve sold me.

  Will this nightmare ever end? I trundle along, hunched over as pain screams through every one of my limbs and the places the brothers violated me. I have nothing left to give. I have no willpower to do this…not for another second.

  Soft music plays out over the sound system, something tinkling and beautiful. Something soft and romantic. Something simultaneously minor and major. A single piano plays a gentle tune that calms my soul and begs me not to give up. It’s quiet, and my ears prick to find the hidden message in music. There is nothing to infer, just a whispering tune promising to grow and develop. My heart hammers in my chest, pounding in my rib cage. I didn’t think I’d have anything left to fear—not after everything that has happened so far—but I was wrong. I am afraid, which tells me one thing…I’m alive.

  The journey along the corridor towards the pool is long and in the darkness of night, and the dim lighting intended not to draw any attention to the abandoned building, the water reflects off the white tiles, calling me closer. The pool is my home. It will be my final resting place…maybe they haven’t sold me, but intend to send me to Cooper. He hadn’t proposed, he wasn’t my fiancé, but it would have happened eventually. If Rob and Brad didn’t come to us outside of Cooper’s plan to lure them in—if they hadn’t taken Doe and forced us to act in haste—Cooper and I would have figured it out. We would have promised to live together, and love each other, in sickness and hate, until death parted us. But he’s gone. There is no hope for me. Death came before we could find our happiness.

  He's gone.

  Rob leads me out of the end of the corridor, into the pool area. Ribbons of light, every colour on the blue spectrum, ripple across the ceiling, dancing over the walls, illuminating the two men standing on the far end.

  “No!”

  I try to pull away, my feet planting to the ground as I try to free myself from Rob. They’ve chosen their stage well; my feet slip on wet floor, unable to get a grip, and I can’t look away from the other two men, illuminated by wet spotlights in their theatre.

  “Relax,” Rob breathes, holding me close to stop my fighting and whispering in my ear, “You’re safe. He’s your love, is he not?”

  I shake my head, unable t
o voice an answer as I continue to stare at the man who has come to claim me. Yes, he was once my love. He was once my everything, when my choices, and the monsters in this room, threatened to leave me with nothing. Griffin has come to save me, take me home, get me out of this hell. He’s come to set me free…so why doesn’t this feel like a rescue? Why don’t I feel free?

  “Mouse,” he breathes, concern and worry thick in his deep voice.

  Mouse. Once upon a time I smiled when he called me that. Once upon a time I rolled my eyes when he playfully called me the name he’d given me because my hair was a mousey-brown. It was the extent of his creativity, but I loved it nonetheless. Now…now it reminds me I’m weak. Just like a caterpillar, I’m at the bottom of the food chain, one impulsive move from being squished, eaten, eradicated.

  “Come here, darling.” He opens his arms. “I’ve missed you.”

  I take a tentative step, acutely aware that this could be a trick. It could all be a sick, sick game. I want no part of games. There is no entertainment in being raped, manipulated, and toyed with like I’m nothing.

  Rob pushes me, forcing me to slip on the tile and throw my arms out for protection. Of course, there is no support, but I don’t fall. I remain on my feet and take another step towards the man here to save me.

  “Griffin?” I question on a whisper, narrowing my eyes as I move towards him.

  He beckons me closer, his arms still out in welcome.

  The second I step into his embrace, I know I will regret it for every second of the life I have left. He crushes me in his arms, cupping my head to force it against his chest. I’ve never smelled his evil before, but I can smell it now. I’ve never smelled deviance on him, never would have put the word in the same sentence as his name. I can smell it now…he reeks of betrayal and ulterior motives.

  “You’re safe now,” he whispers. “You’re back to where you should be.”

  Unwanted tears pool in my eyes, and cascade over my cheeks, burning tracks in my tight, shower-gel crusted, dirty skin.

  “Griffin,” I choke. “I…”

  “Shh,” he soothes, dragging his hands through my hair, his fingers catching the knots. “No words.”

  I clamp my mouth shut, my mind no longer my own. That was his plan. That was the plan—to alter who I was, until I was nothing but a complacent dolly waiting to have her button pushed and be granted permission to talk. I’ve been…played.

  “I…”

  I try again, but I’ve been beaten. He asked me not to talk—demanded I not say a word and as a result of the psychological programming that has taken place since the last time I saw him, I obey. I say nothing.

  “Ready to go home, darling?”

  I nod once, meeting his eyes with nothing but defeat in mine when he edges me back, his evil glare boring down into me. I almost want to stay with Rob and Brad, to continue to live as their play thing, in order to avoid the torture that this is the man who is supposed to love me. I shouldn’t be nodding, but I do it again. And again. And again. The music in the background continues its whispering ridicule, laughing at me for allowing it to lull me into a false sense of safety.

  I’m not safe.

  Griffin intends to sever the final connection I have with Cooper. With Rob and Brad, I knew if he was alive, he’d know where to find me. He’ll have no idea Griffin stole me back and I’m about to be thrust back into a life I can no longer survive.

  “Come on,” he says, curling his arm around me and accepting a blanket from Brad.

  He’s been watching on silently, with malice in his eyes. He doesn’t want to let me go. He isn’t done punishing me.

  “Your parents will be so glad to have you home.”

  My parents? Please tell me they’re not in on this, too. I hope to God they have no part in the orchestration of this, in order to make me the obedient daughter, and not the one who always put water before blood.

  Blood is thicker. I should know—my hands have been submerged in both.

  But water is forgiving. Water is comforting. Water is more powerful, with the ability to wash blood away as if it were never there.

  “My parents?” I ask, as Griffin wraps my naked body in the blanket, enveloping me in a scratchy cocoon intended to stop me breaking free.

  “Yes. I told them I’m collecting you from the airport.” He presses a gentle kiss to my forehead, rubbing my arms, intending to dispel the cold. He can’t. It has become me, seeping into my bones and penetrating them. There will be no warmth; while Cooper lays cold and dead, I will continue to survive in the same state. I died with him. I died again in the shower. I die again when Griffin reaches over his shoulder and accepts my necklace from Rob.

  “There’s nothing to trace her?”

  “Nothing. If anything, she’s a technological jar.”

  “Perfect.” Holding the new chain between his fingers, Griffin instructs me to turn around. “Just perfect.”

  “Why are you giving this back?” I ask.

  “Because you’ve been away from me for weeks. I’ve no doubt it’s a different woman returning to me and….” He fastens the clasp and kisses my cheek before turning me around. “I want you to have something to ground you during your recovery.”

  I’ve been stupid. I’m paranoid. I’ve adopted Cooper’s disorder, allowed paranoia and mistrust to cloud my judgement, and it has made me all the more selfish. Perhaps Brad and Rob held me ransom. Perhaps they brought him here because they really have no need for me. I’ll never forget them. I’ll never be clean of them. The damage is done and they know they can’t break me now that I’m shattered. Perhaps Griffin really is here to collect the woman he’s spent the last however long worried about. Maybe he really is taking me to my parents, and I can wallow in my grief with my freedom.

  “Take me home,” I plea, desperate to get away from Rob and Brad before they can change their minds. “Please.”

  “That is my plan,” he snaps, narrowing eyes on me.

  What’s he searching for?

  “It has been a pleasure testing your resilience,” Brad says, dipping to capture my lips in a kiss that tastes of sadism and sin. I keep my teeth together, my lips clamped shut as he licks me and pulls back. “Mr Masters, I trust you’re happy?”

  I don’t see Griffin’s response, as Rob wraps his arms around me, my arms pinned to my sides by the blanket, and he buries his face in the crook of my neck.

  “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Erin.” I snarl, my throat vibrating against his mouth. He hums in delight. “Caterpillar isn’t fitting. It doesn’t suit you. You’ve always been my special girl.”

  Even now—even fucking now—being called special fills me with validation I don’t want to crave. It’s a reward I don’t want in my possession…and yet, my soul still sags with relief, with a slither of happiness, because I’ve been a good girl, his special girl, the girl who began it all and failed to end it.

  Come back for them.

  I will. When I’ve returned home and glued the shattered pieces my mind, my body, my soul, back together, I’ll come for them. It won't be pretty. It won't be delicate. It won't be flowery. It will be bloody and gory, and so fucking violent, the devil will shudder. I will kill them. I will.

  Griffin leads me away from them, with not another word said, and I refuse to look back as he guides me out of the leisure centre and into the car.

  “Your parents believe you’ve been on holiday,” Griffin says, pulling over just before he gets to our road. Reaching into the back, he grabs a plastic carrier bag and plonks it on my lap. “We’re going to tell them you were taken by strangers, and they just let you go.”

  “Why?” I ask, my bottom lip trembling as I pull out a pair of bottoms. They smell of home, only that isn’t my home anymore. “Why can’t we tell them the truth?”

  “Do you want to tarnish Cooper’s memory?” he seethes, forcing coolness into his voice. The hairs on the back of my neck bristle. “It’ll be much easier if you just put all of this beh
ind you.”

  “Is he…” I take a deep breath and try again. “Is he really dead?”

  “Yes.” Griffin pulls out a t-shirt and hands it to me, encouraging me to hurry and dress. “He really is dead.”

  He doesn’t care. He has no feelings of sadness towards his death. A man is dead—my man—and Griffin is interested in nothing other than returning to normal. Doesn’t he realise there is no normal for me anymore? There is no life without Cooper. There is nothing left for me here.

  “I…”

  “No talking,” he barks. “Haven’t you learnt anything?”

  “What are you talking about? Griffin…” I pull the t-shirt on and bow my head, avoiding eye contact. “How did you find me? How do you know about Cooper?”

  I gasp in shock when he seizes my throat and crushes me into the seat. His breath is hot and heavy as he leans over to hold my head up straight and force me to look ahead as he spits in my ear, “I know all about Cooper fucking Jennings. You think we met by chance? You think you and I have what we have because of something as ridiculous as love?” He chuckles. “Fucking women, know nothing. I don’t want sex from you. I don’t want devotion. I want you to shut up and cook my dinner, press my underpants, and clean the spunk out of the plughole after I’ve wanked to images of someone who isn’t you.” He bites my neck, hard enough to draw blood. Terror takes control of my extremities, forcing me into paralysis. “Rob and I go way back. We went to school together. He knew I wanted a woman who would be weak enough to grant me ultimate power, without question. He likes to fuck little girls and prepare them for men like me. Brad has no morals; he’ll fuck who he wants, kill who he wants, ruin others’ lives for nothing but a quick thrill. We make the perfect team.”

  “But Cooper…”

  “Cooper took you to protect you. He locked you in a tower because he knew we were coming for you. He just had no idea my love for you was anything but genuine. He thought he had to protect you from Rob and Brad, unaware that a third teammate lurked in the shadows and had already earned the right to claim you.”