The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

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The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions) Page 11

by Ian Shimwell


  SALLY-ANNE: We just want to go over it again, to see if a fresh approach might help.

  SARAH: (Says dismissively:) I wish you luck then. I went through what happened that day countless times with the police. Not even a highly respected detective from Scotland Yard could find my dear brothers. So what hope do you think you have, after all this time?

  TRENCH: Yes, but I have an Armchair De… Err, just an armchair.

  SARAH: I have one too, so what?

  SALLY-ANNE: Could you just tell us about that fateful day, Sarah? Then we can leave you in peace.

  SARAH: All right then, I don’t suppose it can do no harm. The day started like any other. I was, of course, a young woman in those days. As usual, I had to get up very early to make the boys’ breakfast – they eat it and went on their way. Then… nothing. I never saw my brothers again.

  TRENCH: Did they go fishing?

  SARAH: I thought they had – after all they left wearing their full fisherman’s gear. They should have gone fishing – but they did not.

  SALLY-ANNE: Then what did they do, Sarah?

  SARAH: They vanished. My brothers did not go fishing as they always did. To this day, I have no idea what they did.

  SALLY-ANNE: As simple and as complex as that.

  (We hear TRENCH rummage inside his pocket.)

  TRENCH: This is the last picture taken of your brothers, Sarah – perhaps even minutes before they disappeared. Here, take a look.

  SARAH: (Who’s obviously upset.) No, no – I’ve seen it.

  (Another person enters the room.)

  CONSTANCE: What’s going on here?

  SALLY-ANNE: We are reporters, just taking another look at…

  CONSTANCE: …my father – and uncle’s disappearance. I see. You are upsetting Aunt Sarah.

  TRENCH: I am sorry..?

  CONSTANCE: …Constance.

  TRENCH: Constance, we will stop at once, of course.

  CONSTANCE: But you see, you must carry on. I have more reason than most to find out what happened to my father. Is that not so, Aunt Sarah..?

  (Slightly disturbing music changes scene.)

  SALLY-ANNE: There is one thing about hotels, one can certainly become used to being waited on – and the view of Fisherman’s Cove, beautiful. Trench, why are you staring at your mobile ‘phone?

  TRENCH: It’s about this time; I normally have a chat with Old Tom. Last time – at the manor-house, I just thought about wanting to speak to him, but now… nothing.

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, you’ll just have to talk to me instead. You can pretend I’m Old Tom, if you like!

  TRENCH: (Who briefly laughs.) I do have an imagination, but not that vivid.

  SALLY-ANNE: I think we are getting nowhere fast with this seaside mystery. I mean there’s just nothing to go on.

  TRENCH: Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Sally-Anne. If your say elderly aunt was in distress, you would want to protect her – yes?

  SALLY-ANNE: Where are you trying to go with this, Trenchy?

  TRENCH: But young Constance insisted we carried on talking about the picture.

  SALLY-ANNE: And it was the photograph that seemed to disturb Sarah more than anything…

  TRENCH: And that is what I find interesting. Wait, what’s this note in my pocket?

  SALLY-ANNE: I don’t know – what does it say?

  (We hear TRENCH un-scrunch the note.)

  TRENCH: ‘Come to Cove’s Guest House, Room 12 at 13 Angler’s Avenue – alone.’

  SALLY-ANNE: I’ll come with you.

  TRENCH: It says alone, Sally-Anne.

  SALLY-ANNE: But we don’t know who’s it from. It could be dangerous, you could even suffer the same fate as the brothers Quinn.

  TRENCH: Don’t be ridiculous.

  SALLY-ANNE: What are we, Trench – exactly?

  TRENCH: Err, colleagues?

  SALLY-ANNE: Is that all?

  TRENCH: I like to think we are friends as well. All right, to put your mind at ease, I’ll take Geoffrey with me. What do you think about that?

  SALLY-ANNE: Wonderful.

  (Light and then doom-laden music changes the scene.)

  GEOFFREY: Are you sure this is it, Trench?

  TRENCH: I’m afraid so, Geoffers. I’ve checked and re-checked the address and this is 13 Angler’s Avenue.

  GEOFFREY: But that can’t be a guest house – its derelict, falling to bits. The only guests staying there will be rats.

  TRENCH: Well it was once a guest house, I can just make out the old, creaky sign. Right, I’m going in – alone.

  GEOFFREY: What about the promise you made to Sally-Anne?

  TRENCH: I had my fingers crossed! Anyway, if I’m not out in ten minutes – you can come in after me. That should ensure my safety.

  GEOFFREY: I don’t know about that, but message received, accepted and understood.

  TRENCH: And Geoffrey…

  GEOFFREY: Yes?

  TRENCH: Please stop saying that.

  (TRENCH then knocks on the guest house front door, which promptly collapses.)

  TRENCH: Oops. Now, let’s see what’s inside. It’s rather dark in here. Ah, room 12 must be upstairs.

  (TRENCH walks up the creaky staircase.)

  TRENCH: This place is awful – and full of cobwebs. If there was a cleaner, I’d sack her. And I’m definitely not ever going to stay here. Well, here’s room 12. I don’t think anyone will be here, but I’ll knock anyway. It is the polite thing to do, after all.

  (We hear TRENCH tentatively knock on the door.)

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH creaks open the door and walks inside.)

  TRENCH: Old Tom, what are you doing here?

  OLD TOM: Young Trench, you didn’t think I was going to let you have all the fun, did you?

  (Mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  ACT TWO

  (We hear the usual sounds of breakfast at a hotel, such as background conversations and the rattling of crockery.)

  TRENCH: Are you sure you’ve had quite enough breakfast, Sally-Anne?

  SALLY-ANNE: It’s the sea air – it gives me a healthy appetite. Anyway, I wasn’t the one who stuffed three sausages on my plate, Trenchy.

  TRENCH: At least I stopped short of eating a whole pig!

  SALLY-ANNE: Now you’re exaggerating. I assume you survived your clandestine meeting last night?

  TRENCH: Yes – but you couldn’t have been that worried or you wouldn’t have waited until now to ask me.

  SALLY-ANNE: I had the misfortune of bumping into Geoffrey at the hotel bar last thing. He said you called him from the window saying you were perfectly safe – what a shame. Geoffers didn’t say much else though, so who did you meet?

  TRENCH: More tea?

  (TRENCH pours the tea.)

  TRENCH: Hmm, lovely. Never underestimate the luxury of hot tea.

  SALLY-ANNE: I think we are becoming side-tracked here – now, who did you see?

  TRENCH: Old Tom himself, would you believe? Our friend is staying in a derelict guest house!

  (SALLY-ANNE nearly chokes on her tea.)

  TRENCH: He even had his armchair with him. Might have been a different one, though.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh come on, nobody is going to take their armchair on holiday with them, are they?

  TRENCH: You don’t know Old Tom.

  SALLY-ANNE: And what did old Tommy say about the queer case of the Quinn brothers?

  TRENCH: Well, he agreed with us on two counts: he thought it odd that Constance didn’t move to protect her rather frail aunt.

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, Constance seemed to actually enjoy putting Sarah on the spot. With family friends like that, who needs enemies..?

  TRENCH: And my friend was also surprised that ‘Aunt Sarah’ lived in such a sprawling and luxurious house with even a panoramic sea-view thrown in.

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, you are not an estate agent by any chance?

  TRENCH: No – and Old Tom asked the natural question
– where did she get the money from?

  SALLY-ANNE: Good question – anything else?

  TRENCH: Yes, the picture. He insisted on having another look at it.

  SALLY-ANNE: And..?

  TRENCH: Old Tom claims that everything comes back to the photograph. He thinks that there is a vital clue staring right at us.

  SALLY-ANNE: A vital clue to a fifty year-old mystery. Intriguing, isn’t it? But we still have conference this morning.

  TRENCH: Yes, but today we finish at lunchtime – and then…

  SALLY-ANNE: And then..?

  TRENCH: And then I think it’s time we had a good old wander around Fisherman’s Cove.

  (Mysterious music ends the scene.)

  (TRENCH and GEOFFREY are walking through the village. We hear seagulls and the odd car drive by.)

  GEOFFREY: I thought today’s conference was really interesting.

  TRENCH: You did? You really did? Yes, you would have done, Geoffrey.

  GEOFFREY: I think having a stroll through this quaint village is a super idea too though.

  TRENCH: Good-oh. I thought Sally-Anne was joining us?

  GEOFFREY: So did I, Trench – so did I. In fact, Sally of the Anne seemed to be coming to meet you, when she saw me and then walked in the opposite direction. I wonder why that was.

  TRENCH: I wonder… oh yes, she must have err forgotten something from the hotel.

  GEOFFREY: But she was walking away from The Sandy Star.

  TRENCH: Never mind that. Oh, by the way Geoffers – I wouldn’t mention ‘Sally of the Anne’ to her face – she hates it.

  GEOFFREY: Message received, accepted…

  TRENCH: …and understood – yes, I know. Right, from this vantage point we can see a few things.

  GEOFFREY: The harbour, the beach where you-know-who went God-knows-where.

  TRENCH: That’s actually quite good, Geoffrey.

  GEOFFREY: The adjoining headland; the forbidding grey sea. And turning round: the village of Fisherman’s Cove. I can make out the church, the local public house with The Sandy Star hotel in the background.

  TRENCH: Geoffers, have I ever told you that you’d make a wonderful tour-guide!

  GEOFFREY: No you haven’t – but I make an even better journalist.

  TRENCH: (Says quietly:) And modest too. (Then normally:) If you say so.

  GEOFFREY: So, where to now, boss? – in our efforts to find the Quinn brothers.

  TRENCH: I don’t think we are actually going to find them. Hide-and-seek games don’t usually last fifty years! But we might come across people who knew them – and what better place to start than the pub.

  GEOFFREY: Lead on Mac Duff.

  TRENCH: Geoffrey, have I ever told you..? No, never mind.

  (A brief interlude of music passes a bit of time.)

  (We hear GEOFFREY and TRENCH open the double-doors to the pub and then hear all the usual pub-type background noises inside.)

  TRENCH: You get the drinks in, Geoffers – I’ll have a pint of the local ale.

  GEOFFREY: Righto. (He goes to the bar.)

  TRENCH: And now to find someone who’s old enough to have possibly known the missing siblings. Ah - excuse me sir.

  OLD MAN: Yes, young man.

  TRENCH: (Says quietly:) Now, who does that remind me of? (Then talks loudly, in case the old man is hard-of-hearing.) Hello, I’m a journalist trying to take another look at the vanishing Quinns. May I ask if you knew them?

  OLD MAN: Before my time.

  TRENCH: (Says with incredulity:) Really?

  OLD MAN: You see, I only moved down here a mere twenty years ago.

  TRENCH: That explains why you didn’t know them then. Well, thank-you for your time.

  OLD MAN: You want Mad Jack.

  TRENCH: I do?

  OLD MAN: Yes, he was the brothers’ best friend – and went fishing with them every day, I believe.

  TRENCH: And where can I find this Mad Jack?

  OLD MAN: Oh, he’s over there in the corner. He’s the one staring into space. Legend has it; old Mad Jack’s been like that since the day of the fisherman’s disappearance. He still speaks though - sometimes.

  TRENCH: Thanks, I’ll buy you a pint when you’ve finished that one.

  OLD MAN: Obliged.

  GEOFFREY: Drinks, as requested.

  TRENCH: You do have your good points, Geoffrey. Now, that gentleman over there, known as Mad Jack, actually knew the Quinn brothers. But as he looks a bit… a bit…

  GEOFFREY: …mad?

  TRENCH: Err, eccentrically challenged. We must tread very carefully, with great subtlety.

  (We hear them walk over to MAD JACK.)

  GEOFFREY: Greetings Mad Jack. You knew the brothers Quinn before they vanished in a puff of smoke, did you not?

  TRENCH: (Says slightly quietly:) Geoffrey, what did I say about being careful and subtle? This old sea-merchant isn’t going to respond to direct questioning like that.

  MAD JACK: That is so, me lad Geoff. I admire plain speaking. I knew the Quinns p’haps better than anyone else – and was prob’ly the last person to see them alive. Truth be told, never really got over it – that’s why I stare a lot – stare with real madness in thyne eyes.

  TRENCH: (Says more quietly to GEOFFREY:) Well played, Geoffers – your ‘subtle’ approach worked. (And then says more loudly:) You think the brothers are dead then, err Mad Jack?

  (The only response to TRENCH is silence.)

  TRENCH: (Says quietly again:) You ask him, I don’t think Mad Jack is speaking to me, for some reason.

  GEOFFREY: Jack, looking back, have you any idea at all, what happened to your fellow fisherman?

  MAD JACK: Smuggling – the brothers were up to their necks in it.

  TRENCH: I suppose we can’t have a Cornish fishing village mystery without it involving smuggling!

  GEOFFREY: What type of smuggling? Oh, as you must have gathered from Trench’s mutterings, I’m Geoffrey – and this is err Trench.

  MAD JACK: I salute you Geoffrey. They smuggled the usual - I sometimes helped them – cigarettes and alcohol mostly. But, the day my friends disappeared all those years age…

  TRENCH: Fifty to be exact. Sorry, just trying to join in.

  MAD JACK: …yes, on that fateful day something different happened – not the usual smuggling or fishing even.

  GEOFFREY: What happened?

  MAD JACK: I’m getting to that. The brothers picked up somethin’ on the sea-wireless. A ship on its way back from Africa, The Schooner, had just sunk near the Fisherman’s Cove headland.

  TRENCH: Did they go to help the survivors? Sorry, you ask him Geoffrey.

  GEOFFREY: Did they..?

  MAD JACK: Not exactly. Apart from being fine fisherman, the Quinn brothers were accomplished divers – I think they went to search the wreck.

  GEOFFREY: And what did they find, Mad Jack?

  MAD JACK: I wouldn’t know – but I believe whatever it was cost them their lives. I nearly went with ‘em – and that’s what has always disturbed me. That’s why I stare a lot – stare with real madness in thyne eyes. I could’ve suffered the same fate as the brothers Quinn…

  (Doom-laden music changes scene and mood.)

  (We hear TRENCH walk along a village street.)

  SALLY-ANNE: (Who shouts:) Trench! Trench, over here.

  TRENCH: Got you, Sally.

  (TRENCH walks over to meet SALLY-ANNE.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Fancy meeting you here.

  TRENCH: Hmm, yes. It’s odd you suddenly turn up just after Geoffrey has left to return to the hotel.

  SALLY-ANNE: A pure coincidence.

  TRENCH: You don’t like Geoffrey, do you?

  SALLY-ANNE: It’s not that I don’t like him – it’s just that I can’t stand him. I don’t know. He just irritates the hell out of me, I suppose.

  TRENCH: Well Sally-Anne, I have some great news for you then.

  SALLY-ANNE: Has Geoffrey disappeared and the brothers Quinn turned up in some sort of
bizarre swap?

  TRENCH: You can be very cruel sometimes. After speaking to Mad Jack, an old buddy of the Quinns, we’ve discovered – well Geoffrey did because for some reason, Mad Jack wouldn’t speak to me.

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, I’m starting to get that sinking feeling so just tell me.

  TRENCH: All right. Fifty years ago, ‘The Schooner’ returning from Africa, and had that sinking feeling supposedly just near that headland.

  SALLY-ANNE: You’re kidding – you’re not kidding.

  TRENCH: Mad Jack has loaned us his boat from the harbour – and we’re going on a little boat trip.

  SALLY-ANNE: And where does Geoffrey come into all this?

  TRENCH: He’s helpfully gone to fetch his snorkelling gear – and wet suit. Geoffers is going to search the wreck.

  SALLY-ANNE: I suppose it’s my own fault for asking. Do you think he’ll find the brother’s remains down there?

  TRENCH: Stranger things have been uncovered on the sea bed but… Wait, there’s Constance – quick let’s cross the road.

  (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE dash across the road.)

  TRENCH: Constance.

  CONSTANCE: Hello again.

  SALLY-ANNE: That’s a very smart outfit you’re wearing. (Then adds more quietly:) And expensive.

  CONSTANCE: What are you trying to say?

  TRENCH: To put it bluntly, we were wondering where your obvious wealth comes from.

  CONSTANCE: My allowance comes from Aunt Sarah.

  SALLY-ANNE: All right Constance – and where did Aunt Sarah inherit or receive all this money? If you don’t mind me asking.

  TRENCH: Win on the lottery, was it?

  CONSTANCE: Do you really think I would tell complete strangers of intimate family secrets – and upset my Aunt Sarah, the person who brought me up, even more than you already have done?

  SALLY-ANNE: What happened to your mother?

  CONSTANCE: She died giving birth to me. Now, any more intrusive questions, or can I go?

  TRENCH: Well…

  CONSTANCE: I was only eight when my father and uncle vanished – now I’m nearly sixty – and yes, I will answer even if it does upset Aunt Sarah, because I must find out what happened. I want to find out…

  (Solemn music changes the scene and time.)

  (We can hear the choppy waters of the sea, as the rowing-boat that TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE are on, is clearly rocking.)

  SALLY-ANNE: He’s been down there a long time.

 

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