The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

  TRENCH: Another carriage has been sent for him.

  DEBSY: Oh good, I can’t wait to meet him. I will meet him, won’t I?

  (The carriage suddenly stops.)

  DEBSY: What have we stopped for?

  TRENCH: The footman’s showing us two blindfolds – I think he wants us to put them on. What shall we do, Debs?

  DEBSY: Oh, in for a penny, in for a pound – that’s what I always say.

  TRENCH: You’ve never said it before.

  DEBSY: I err always say it from now on. Come on, give the blindfolds here – let’s get on with it.

  (They put their blindfolds on and the horses restart their canter. A brief interlude of foreboding music passes some time. Eventually, after their journey is seemingly complete, the horses finally halt. The carriage door is opened and the footman removes their blindfolds.)

  DEBSY: I can see again!

  TRENCH: Thanks for removing the blinds, footman – it was starting to hurt my eyes.

  (They disembark the carriage.)

  DEBSY: What a majestic castle.

  TRENCH: Castle Mandrake, I presume.

  DEBSY: Come on, let’s go in quick, Trench – I don’t like the look of those black clouds.

  TRENCH: I agree, a storm is certainly brewing…

  (Ominous music ends the scene.)

  (TRENCH and DEBSY are walking up heavy stone steps.)

  DEBSY: This castle is as spectacular inside as it looks on the outside.

  TRENCH: I know, lavish is just too smaller a word.

  (They reach the upper floor.)

  DEBSY: Ah, this must be my bedroom – number six. I’ll just go and freshen up for dinner.

  TRENCH: Wait a minute, according to the ticket, the butler gave me – number six is also my bedroom.

  DEBSY: That can’t be right.

  TRENCH: Don’t panic Debsy. Let’s have a look inside – there might be a separate partition or something.

  (TRENCH opens the creaking bedroom door.)

  DEBSY: (Who gasps.) Oh, I’ve always dreamed of a bedroom, or should I say bedchamber? like this – so richly decorated and furnished in sumptuous velvet and the four-poster bed: absolutely glorious. A room fit for a princess…

  TRENCH: But there is still only one bed…

  DEBSY: Are you sure there isn’t a spare bedroom? Where’s Old Tom sleeping?

  TRENCH: Here’s a list our obliging butler gave me. Old Tom is in the tower chamber which I assume is up the spiral staircase opposite this room. Mandrake himself will be naturally residing in the master-bedroom; bedroom three is for the manager of the estate, whereas chambers four and five will house two guests yet to arrive.

  DEBSY: How come everyone else gets to have a bedroom of their own?

  TRENCH: Oh, I don’t know. Don’t worry, I’ll end up sleeping on the sofa or something – only I don’t see any sofas…

  DEBSY: Well, we’ll worry about the sleeping arrangements later. Right, I’ll be in the en-suite bathroom – I simply must look my best for dinner in a place like this.

  TRENCH: What about me?

  (TRENCH’s only answer is the shutting of the bathroom door. Grand music changes the scene.)

  DEBSY: Well Trenny – what do you think?

  TRENCH: Debsy, you look… amazing. A stunning, elegant dark velvet evening gown – and your hair, beautiful. And as for your cleavage…

  DEBSY: All right, Trench – you can stop staring.

  TRENCH: Oh… sorry.

  DEBSY: You’ve not scrubbed up too badly yourself.

  TRENCH: (Says with a mock aristocratic tint to his voice:) Madam, would you do me the immense honour of accompanying me to dinner?

  DEBSY: I would be delighted.

  TRENCH: By George, I think she’s got it! Prey, please take my arm.

  DEBSY: All right – don’t overdo it.

  (DEBSY takes TRENCH’s arm, whom escorts her out of the bedroom and down the stone steps.)

  DEBSY: I’ve just thought – where does the butler and the rest of the hired help sleep?

  TRENCH: What is this obsession you have with where people sleep?

  DEBSY: What’s up – don’t you know?

  TRENCH: As a matter of fact the butler told me earlier, that the servants reside in a small lodge on the edge of the north side of the estate – about half a mile away.

  DEBSY: See – you’re interested too.

  (Downstairs, they stop walking.)

  TRENCH: Through those grand, ornate double-doors lies a no-doubt equally grand and ornate dining area.

  DEBSY: I know, I can’t wait.

  TRENCH: To see our host?

  DEBSY: No silly – to finally see your magical Old Tom, of course.

  (Expectant music moves things along.)

  MARLOWE: Prey, all be seated.

  (There is hushed conversation as everyone sits down.)

  MARLOWE: Welcome to Castle Mandrake. Now, before the first course is served, I believe introductions are the premier order of the day.

  DEBSY: (Says in a hushed voice:) Doesn’t he go on, Trench?

  MARLOWE: I am Marlowe, the manager of the estate. The empty seat at the head of the table belongs to my master, Mandrake – who sends his sincere apologies. He will be slightly delayed, however do not fear, he will join us later. On my right is sat Sade, who is a hairdresser and next to her is Rhet whom has the dubious distinction of being a second-hand car salesman. They are both acquatences of Mandrake.

  TRENCH: (Says hushed:) At least we know what they really do now.

  MARLOWE: Sat opposite, those two delightful people are Trench and Debsy. Two reporters, I gather, from the Stokeham Herald. Dinner may now be served.

  (MARLOWE sits down and the servants bring out the first course.)

  TRENCH: It looks like soup.

  (DEBSY takes a sip.)

  DEBSY: Hmm, tastes like oxtail.

  MARLOWE: Forgive the interruption. Another of master’s guest, a Mr Old Thomas has chosen to dine in his room. His meal will be sent up to him later.

  DEBSY: That explains why he isn’t here. Won’t his food get cold?

  TRENCH: Believe me, Old Tom won’t be concerned about that one bit.

  DEBSY: Look at the glorious fire, Trench. So powerful, so hypnotic…

  TRENCH: Rhet, sold any cars recently?

  DEBSY: Or solved any missing spouse cases?

  RHET: Very funny Debsy, you’re still delectable. I did tell you the sleuthing was just a put-up job; a profitable one, nonetheless. As for cars, it just so happens, I have an absolute bargain.

  TRENCH: Not interested.

  DEBSY: And, Sade, how much do you charge for a cut and blow?

  SADE: Put it this way, darling – you couldn’t afford me.

  DEBSY: Why, of all the…

  TRENCH: So, has err master invited you two along as some sort of reward or bonus?

  RHET: I like to think so.

  SADE: Yes that’s it – but somehow I do feel peculiar…

  DEBSY: I’m saying nothing…

  TRENCH: In what way, Sade?

  SADE: Oh, I don’t know – but I do have a strange feeling about that painting behind you…

  TRENCH: The one with the hunting dogs?

  SADE: Yes.

  TRENCH: Perhaps it reminds you of something?

  SADE: I hope not…

  DEBSY: That oxtail soup was lovely.

  MARLOWE: Venison, my dear. The soup was venison.

  DEBSY: But I don’t like venison!

  SADE: Now that, just about sums you up, dear.

  DEBSY: No, not dear, dear – venison.

  SADE: Hah.

  RHET: Now, now children.

  (The servants begin to clear the bowls and plates away.)

  MARLOWE: The main course will be served momentarily.

  TRENCH: Err, Marlowe – you must remind me to thank Mandrake, whenever he might arrive – for putting on such a lovely spread.

  MARLOWE: Do not concern yourself, Trench – you will
have more than ample time to pay your respects…

  (Disturbing music ends the scene.)

  (TRENCH is walking up another set of stone steps.)

  TRENCH: Trust Old Tom to be stuck up in the tower – and these stony spiral staircases are a killer.

  (Slightly out of breath, TRENCH stops and knocks on the oak door.)

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH opens the door and enters the room.)

  TRENCH: Your dinner, my lord. Venison soup, followed by lobster and trimmings and finished off with fresh strawberry gateau and cream with a pot of tea – and it’s all very heavy.

  OLD TOM: Put it down then.

  TRENCH: Good idea.

  (TRENCH places the tray on a table.)

  OLD TOM: It all looks far too warm for me – I’ll have a go at eating it later.

  TRENCH: Well, messes Mandrake has done you proud. Another glorious bed-chamber – and the armchair you’re on: I’ve never seen such indulgent leather.

  OLD TOM: Yes, it is err… comfy.

  TRENCH: It’s a strange place to put one, but there’s even a bookcase behind your armchair filled with leather-bound classics.

  OLD TOM: Mandrake thinks of everything…

  TRENCH: You only have a single bed, though.

  OLD TOM: That’s all I need.

  TRENCH: Ours is a… I mean mine’s a double. How was your journey here, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Tolerable – I’ve never really been one for horses. I assume you two went through the same rigmarole with the blindfolds?

  TRENCH: Yes, your old chum obviously doesn’t want us to know the location of his castle. I’ve just thought – we’re kind of trapped here, aren’t we?

  OLD TOM: Go on, Trench.

  TRENCH: We seem to be in the middle of nowhere – and don’t even know where we are. The only transport is the horses that are probably safely locked up in the stables by now.

  OLD TOM: Just another fear for my old friend to play on…

  TRENCH: Are you sure he’s still a threat after all these years..? This all seems remarkably friendly to me.

  OLD TOM: Oh, don’t be fooled by his hypnotic charm, not even for one second. Like a smiling snake, just before he strikes – let Mandrake inside your head for a moment and he will tear you apart, figuratively speaking of course.

  TRENCH; I’ll, I’ll take you word for on that one, Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: Now, your fellow dinner guests – I assume Rhet and Sade have joined you and Debsy?

  TRENCH: Now, how did you know they were here?

  OLD TOM: I really know him too well – I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist inviting them. Probably appeals to his strange sense of humour.

  TRENCH: Yes and Rhet sells cars and Sade does hair.

  OLD TOM: How amusing, as they used to say. Anyone else there?

  TRENCH: Yes, the manager of this estate, Marlowe. A pretentious so and so if ever there was one.

  OLD TOM: And did anything unusual happen during dinner?

  TRENCH: No, not really – only that Sade took a strange exception to a painting of hunting dogs.

  (Suddenly there is a roar of thunder, a gale-force wind flings the balcony windows open and the driving rain sweeps inside.)

  OLD TOM: We are in the middle of a growing storm, Trench.

  TRENCH: Maybe, but I can at least shut it out.

  (TRENCH goes over to the window and firmly closes it. Although quietened, the raging storm can still clearly be heard.)

  TRENCH: We have another visitor. Another horse and carriage has stopped by the main entrance.

  OLD TOM: The main players have settled into their roles – it is the appointed time for him to make his dramatic entrance.

  TRENCH: You don’t mean..?

  OLD TOM: Yes, Mandrake has arrived.

  (A longer piece of mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  Act Two

  (TRENCH is walking down the stone steps.)

  DEBSY: ` Ah Trench, there you are. Where’ve you been all this time?

  TRENCH: I was just having a chat with…

  DEBSY: You’ll never guess who’s joined us.

  TRENCH: As a matter of fact, I can. Mein host has entered the fray – well, am I right?

  DEBSY: For once, yes. Well, are you going to join us for after-dinner drinks or would you prefer to skulk about on stone steps all night?

  TRENCH: Hmm, now let me think… Tell you what, I think I’ll choose after-dinner drinks, now you come to mention it.

  DEBSY: Hurray for that. They’re all in the drawing room, come on.

  TRENCH: I’m right behind you.

  (They walk into the drawing room. Warm conversations can be heard and the clinking of glasses, as drinks are consumed.)

  TRENCH: Now, where is he? Ah, that must be him by the window.

  DEBSY: Minus his green hat this time.

  TRENCH: An imposing figure who is staring at me. Debsy, why is he staring at me?

  (MANDRAKE walks over.)

  MANDRAKE: (His voice is rich and velvety, yet sickly at the same time.) Trench, I presume – I am obliged you finally saw fit to join us. I am Mandrake.

  TRENCH: I was just saying to Debsy here, oh she’s gone err circulating – but I was saying we should thank our host for such a marvellous dinner. Thank-you for such a…

  MANDRAKE: Where is Thomas?

  TRENCH: Thomas..? You mean at this moment? He’s upstairs chewing on a lobster I imagine.

  MANDRAKE: So, my old friend is not joining the party?

  TRENCH: It doesn’t look like it.

  MANDRAKE: I would describe that behaviour as unsociable, but never mind. A brandy, Trench?

  TRENCH: Err, yes – straight.

  MANDRAKE: Good choice. It is always best to drink one’s spirits neat – gives them an edge… Butler.

  (The Butler dispenses their drinks of brandy from a glorious crystal glass decanter.)

  TRENCH: Cheers, Mandrake.

  (They clink their glasses. MANDRAKE downs his in one and throws his glass into the roaring, open fire.)

  TRENCH: A waste of a fine brandy glass, but when in Rome.

  (TRENCH throws his empty glass into the fire.)

  MANDRAKE: Trench, I sincerely hope your weekend here is a truly unforgettable one. If you require any help or assistance, do not hesitate to contact Marlowe or one of the servants. In the meantime, if you will excuse me…

  TRENCH: Of course. (MANDRAKE moves away.) Now, who should I bother next? Ah, Rhet – you were deep in conversation with Marlowe, did you sell him a car or what?

  RHET: No, I don’t deal in four-wheel drives – so I couldn’t help him.

  TRENCH: So, is Rhet your real name – or is it as dodgy as your car dealings?

  RHET: Now, now. Believe it or not, Rhet and Sade are our genuine names and before you ask, no we’re not seeing each other.

  TRENCH: Real names eh? I suppose it proves Mandrake is nothing if not thorough.

  RHET: If it’s any consolation we only took on the job of, shall we say, slightly misleading you, only on the condition that nobody would be hurt.

  TRENCH: But people can be hurt in all sorts of different ways… Where did he err… recruit you from?

  RHET: From the local amateur dramatics society.

  TRENCH: Ah, that explains the performance.

  RHET: Hey, it wasn’t that bad.

  TRENCH: I think your recent employer is calling you over, Rhet. (RHET leaves TRENCH.) Marlowe, so what delights do you have planned for us tomorrow?

  MARLOWE: Master has decreed that we shall all partake in the honourable tradition of fox hunting. Good sport, and it’ll give the dogs a damned good run out.

  TRENCH: Fox hunting? I thought that was illegal.

  MARLOWE: So is driving through a red light, but people do it. And besides, in a secure and sprawling estate such as this, who’s going to know?

  TRENCH: You have a point there.

  MARLOWE: Trench, you must hav
e another brandy.

  TRENCH: I think I’ll pass actually – the taste was just a bit too rich, or was that bitter?

  MARLOWE: But master is nodding at me.

  TRENCH: Meaning?

  MARLOWE: Meaning that master insists you have another drink.

  TRENCH: Does he now? All right, I’ll force myself – but on the condition I don’t have to throw my glass into the log fire.

  MARLOWE: As you wish. Butler, fetch that tray of drinks. Trench, help yourself to a brandy.

  TRENCH: Err… obliged, Marlowe.

  (TRENCH drinks his brandy.)

  MARLOWE: Butler, wait there. Our guest wishes to return his glass to the tray. (TRENCH places his empty glass on the tray.) Dismissed, Butler.

  TRENCH: Excuse me, Sade appears to be on her own – I’ll just have a chat.

  (TRENCH goes over to SADE.)

  TRENCH: You’re looking lovely tonight, Sade.

  SADE: You really think so?

  TRENCH: Come on, you can drop the act now – Rhet has told me all about the amateur dramatics.

  SADE: That may have been an act – but this is the real me. And I’m sorry if I mislead you, Trench – but I kind of like you, really…

  TRENCH: That’s odd.

  SADE: What?

  TRENCH: The wrist band you’re wearing simply doesn’t go with the rest of your elegant outfit. Sorry, but it just had to be said.

  SADE: I’m sorry you don’t like it.

  TRENCH: Mind you, this place is that remote, I don’t think the fashion police will bother you out here.

  SADE: (Who laughs slightly but is then serious.) Trench, I don’t quite know why, but I do feel uncomfortable here.

  TRENCH: Don’t worry about the storm outside, it’ll probably pass by tomorrow.

  SADE: I have a room of my own. Please, please Trench spend the night with me..?

  DEBSY: Unlucky darling. Trench is spoken for – and he’s sleeping in my room. And it’s time we went to bed, so goodnight Sade. Come along, Trench.

  TRENCH: Sorry Sade, she’s just so bossy. Goodnight everyone.

  (Classical music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: Nice black nightdress, Debsy – it’s a bit long though.

  DEBSY: And your jim-jams are pure sex!

  TRENCH: Can I ask you something?

  DEBSY: Fire away, darling.

  TRENCH: Why did you kind of see Sade off? I know you don’t like her, but was it necessary? Do you want me for yourself or something?