by Aileen Fish
“You attended every ball in Vienna?” Yes, she definitely looked hurt. Smashing.
“It was required. Well, I didn’t attend the masques. I assumed they wouldn’t be able to tell.”
She nodded but looked down at the floor for a moment. “You hadn’t mentioned them in your Christmas letter, so I assumed you were still keeping to yourself. That you were lonely.”
“I prefer to keep to myself, Vi. That doesn’t mean I’m lonely.”
She looked at him as though he had said something remarkable, although whether remarkably clever or remarkably dense he couldn’t gauge. Elisa had remained seated, watching them silently. Violetta finally spoke again. “Perhaps the two of you should take a moment to talk.”
That made Elisa pop to her feet. “Violetta!”
“I should come back later,” John said immediately.
Violetta looked back and forth between the two of them. “As the only one here with a marriage of five years, I suggest you take my advice and talk to one another.”
“But Violetta-”
“Violetta-”
They had spoken over one another and paused. Violetta shook her head at them. “You both obviously came here to seek my advice, so please take it. Ten minutes of conversation, that’s all I ask. I will leave the door open and not be too terribly far away, so there is no risk to your reputation.”
John looked to Elisa to see what she wanted to do. After a moment she bowed her head and nodded.
“Thank you, Violetta,” he said. His cousin slipped out the door and left it open a foot. John took a moment to organize his thoughts, but Elisa spoke before he could start his apology.
“I came to Violetta for sympathy, but she has been remarkably unsympathetic.” She sat down again. “Of course, I didn’t know when I’d arrived that I would be criticizing her beloved cousin.”
John took a chair a respectful distance from where Elisa was sitting. “I came here today to ask her advice on how best to apologize to you.”
“Well, apologizing would be a good start.”
He smiled ruefully. “You have a way with words.” She still hadn’t met his gaze since Violetta had left the room. “I do apologize, Miss Jarvis. Humbly, deeply. I never intended for a brief flirtation while using another man’s name to become, well, to turn into what it did.”
“What did you intend, Mr. Howards?”
“To have the confidence to talk to a pretty girl for once? And imagine my luck, I found a beautiful girl. Beautiful, but sad. All I wanted was to make you... make you happy.”
“Is that what you were doing under the bower?” she asked tartly. He felt his face grow warm.
“Well, er, that. That was definitely unplanned.”
“You just wander London accidentally seducing young women?”
“No. You are, well, you are the first lady I have found myself in that, er, position with.”
“Pardon me if I don’t believe you. Things like that take practice.”
“I have a book on it. A few books, actually.”
“Beg pardon?”
“Books on, well, that.”
“Someone writes books about that?”
“I feel that our conversation has gone astray.”
“Really? What is our conversation about, pray tell?”
“How terribly sorry I am.”
“Yes, you’ve covered that.”
“No, not by half. You may never truly understand how sorry I am that I mislead you. When you first asked if I would marry you -- had it not been for the lie that I’d told, I would have agreed. I would have taken you to Scotland or anywhere else that you asked. But I had lied, you see. So I couldn’t. The next morning I dressed as impeccably as I could and set off for your receiving hours. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I had resolved to come clean about my deception in the hopes that you would still be interested in me as myself. Instead I found myself lost in your bevy of suitors, barely noticeable.”
She smiled briefly. “Yet you managed to distinguish yourself.”
“At first I had been jealous of them, so many men who were better looking or wealthier. Then I realized how much you despised them.”
“What do you mean?”
“Worry not, Elisa, you are the picture of grace. But someone who knows you, knows what to look for, can see it in the set of your shoulders. The way you clasp your hands in your lap. The tilt of your head. You wanted nothing more than for them all to leave. Well, or die perhaps. I had no gift to give you, no poetry, or flowers, or promises of rides in the park. So I gave you what the rest of them wouldn’t. Peace.”
She laughed lightly. “If only more of them had followed your example.”
“I think we’ve established that the lot of them are buffoons. At any rate, since my attempt at courting you directly didn’t work, the next morning I met with Emberly. It was, if such a thing is possible, even worse than my attempt at courting you.”
She looked curious. “How?”
“I managed to insult your father, his best friend. What minor inroad I had due to my father’s name was fairly demolished.”
“How did you insult my father?”
“By questioning why he would force his daughter to marry. I can understand wanting your children to marry. I can’t understand forcing them to.”
“How enlightened of you. And who is your father?”
“Viscount Howards. I’m his youngest son, thus fairly inconsequential as those sorts of things go.”
“I see. Then what did you do?”
“What else could I do but turn my attention back to gaining your favor? I was desperate. I had committed to meet with you again as Casimir and that date was drawing ever closer. I no longer wanted to play the cad and the rogue. I wanted to be able to speak to you honestly.”
“So you asked me to dance.”
“It was more difficult than that. First I tracked down my cousin, Lady Spencer, to make introductions. To no avail. You showed no inclination to recognize Casimir in me, even the second time we met. Lady Spencer nearly had to push us out on the dance floor.”
She looked down at the carpet again. “Actually I did see some similarities. It was why I agreed to dance with you. Because... Well, I hate to say this to you, but because I thought I might be able to imagine I was dancing with him.”
“Technically you were.”
“Oddly, it didn’t feel like it. You were barely touching me.”
She sounded so wistful that John felt his heart ache. “I didn’t want to be presumptuous,” he said softly. “I wanted you to know you could trust me.”
She frowned. “You’re terribly proper.”
“You don’t care for that?”
“I don’t think one needs to always be proper.”
“Obviously I’m not always proper.”
She looked at him through her lashes. “The night we met, are you like that at all?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps? All I know is that when I’m with you I can breathe. I can speak. You may not even realize what a rarity that is for me.”
“Violetta compared you to a clam.”
John chuckled. “I can see how she might say that.”
“I think she’s hurt that you find it easy to talk to me.”
“I’m sure she is. For years she was my only friend.”
“I’m not your friend. I don’t even know you.”
“Yes you do.”
“How can you say that? You’ve done nothing but lie to me for the past sennight.”
He tugged off his glove and held out his hand. After a moment of hesitation she pulled off her own glove and set her hand in his. As he had expected, when touching her he had no doubt. He hoped that she could feel it, too.
Chapter Seventeen
“My only caution to you will be this. To my mind they call it ‘falling’ in love because it can be so painful.” ~ Lord Lucifer
Elisa closed her eyes for a moment. Yes, this was the touch she remembered.
She withdrew her hand.
“I’m still very angry at you,” she said.
“I know.”
Dammit, she was beginning to like him. Truly like him. But she didn’t believe he was the man she had fallen in love with. What she had loved was a mirage, a hoax. Even now she yearned to be with the man she thought she had known. This man, John Howards, might be likable, but she couldn’t imagine him inspiring the same reaction in her. She couldn’t imagine wanting to risk her reputation for him, being ready to throw caution to the wind for him. It sounded odd, in a way. It was technically the same man!
He stood from his chair and tugged off his other glove. She wasn’t sure what he was about until he knelt in front of her, holding out his hand to take hers again. She hesitated, but finally put her hands in his. He carefully removed the glove she was still wearing, handling the tiny button with an endearing delicacy that made her realize he would be a sweet father. Once her hand was bare he kissed her fingertips.
“I will make a last plea,” he said, “and if you prefer that I leave you alone after this, I will honor your choice.” He paused for a moment, stroking his hand over hers. “I’m very sorry for how this has all played out, I’m very sorry for hurting you. But I can’t be sorry for meeting you. In some ways I can’t even be sorry for how I met you, since I was able to intrigue you.
“Admittedly, I hadn’t thought much about marriage before. I was being honest with Violetta, I don’t often get lonely. But I think of you when we’re not together. I miss you, I suppose. That in and of itself might not make me propose marriage so soon, especially as you’re correct, we’ve only known each other a sennight and there has been deception and confusion even in that time. But there are two things that make me ask you now. First, I was dishonorable in my behavior with you. The only appropriate response is to ask for your hand. Second, your guardian has made it clear that you must marry soon. I didn’t care for that room of swains any more than you did. I can’t claim that I will be the man you dreamt you would marry, but I will endeavor to be the best husband I can and promise to always honor your needs.”
There was a heartbreaking humility to his petition. But he was correct in that she considered him mostly as a least-worst alternative to her other suitors.
“You don’t have to answer now,” he said.
“Most likely for the best, as I’m still angry with you.”
He grinned at her impertinence and her heart lurched, as the expression reminded her of the man she thought she loved.
“I don’t know how quickly you need to decide-”
“Less than a fortnight.”
“What?”
“My birthday. It’s in less than a fortnight.”
“And he is only telling you now of this deadline?”
“He said he has despaired of me ever choosing anyone and he wants to ensure the deed is done well before my twenty-third birthday next year. He reminded me that we discussed the need for me to marry by the time I was twenty-three if I wanted to keep my inheritance.”
“When did he discuss it with you?”
“Before I made my debut.”
“Then that was, what, five years ago?”
“I suppose he thought the threat of losing near a million pounds might keep it at the forefront of my mind,” she said dryly.
“Million?” Mr. Howards’ voice was a bit faint.
“Did you not know how much my inheritance was?”
“No, not really.”
“If I waited, if I lost my inheritance, would you still marry me?”
“Of course I would.”
Elisa’s heart warmed a bit at the thought. Granted, any other answer would be foolish, but for some reason she believed him. When not playing at being a rogue he had an earnestness that was very reassuring.
“I will think over your offer,” she said softly.
“Thank you.” He gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. “I have one other thing for you to think over.” With that he rose high enough to lean over her and capture her lips in a kiss. She wanted to resist him. She wanted to hate him for making her fall in love with a man who had never existed. But she found that a kiss with John Howards was as enthralling, as thrilling, as the kisses with the man she had known as Casimir. Because of their dance she had suspected that the two men would never be the same to her, even if they were technically the same person. Now she was losing herself to his touch again. Her fingers wound in his hair, pulling him closer.
A delicate cough from the door made Mr. Howards break the kiss. When he stood beside her chair he rested a hand on her shoulder and she had to admit that the warmth and solidity of his hand on her was thrilling.
Violetta strolled back into the room. “I’ll assume that you’ve resolved some of your issues?”
“Perhaps,” Elisa said noncommittally. Mr. Howards removed his hand from her shoulder and she missed it immediately.
“I’ll leave your ladies to your chat,” he said, bowing first to Elisa and then his cousin.
Violetta sat down and thanked the maid for brining in a fresh pot of tea. Once she had poured cups for them both she settled back in her chair. “Where were we? Oh yes, you wanted to tell me how much you hated my cousin.”
As annoying as V’s self-satisfied smile was, Elisa was happy to see that her friend had recovered her good humor. Elisa sipped her tea and said, “Oh, you have no idea.”
Chapter Eighteen
“It is generally true when choosing between waiting and acting, acting is better.” ~ Lord Lucifer
John had hope. He realized now that it wasn’t a state of mind he was particularly familiar with. Prior to this, his anticipation had primarily been centered on a new book being released or a pretty day for a walk. This hope was on a far grander scale, and it was both incredible and terrifying. On the one hand, it was possible that Elisa might accept his offer for her. He had been honest when he said that he had never truly considered marriage. But now he had thoughts of spending his days with Elisa. And his nights, of course. Of beautiful dark-eyed children. Of having a wife with a wit as wicked and scathing as his own. It filled his heart in a way that nothing else ever had. But somehow, filling it also made it larger. Made him consider how convenient it was that Elisa was already Violetta’s friend and how the two couples might spend many evenings together in company. How little Harry and Johnny could grow up as close to his children as Violetta had been to him.
But yes, that meant there was also fear. Considering that those things might not come to pass terrified him. Made him grieve. He had never had enough aspirations to face the pain of not achieving them. Almost everything he had done in life he had been forced to do. His father had pushed him through school and into the position with Castlereagh. He had no other accomplishments to claim unless one tallied up his reading of popular books.
This fear, a different sort of fear than he was used to experiencing, motivated him to act. He couldn’t stand the idea that he hadn’t done everything he could to secure Elisa’s happiness. Thus he found himself standing on Emberly’s step again the next morning. He was fairly certain the butler recognized him now, but handed over his card anyway and cooled his heels in the front hall waiting to find out whether Emberly would see him. He didn’t wait nearly as long this time before the butler fetched him. He took yet another route through the grand townhouse and this time found himself in a sunny atrium. Rather than Emberly, however, his hostess was Elisa’s cousin.
“Ma’am,” he said, bowing to her. He honestly had no idea of the woman’s name.
“Mr. Howards,” she said coolly, giving him the barest nod. She indicated a settle for him to sit on near her and he repaired to it immediately. She seemed like a woman who had something to say.
“Would you care for some refreshment?” she asked politely.
“I am content,” he answered without commitment. He felt the threads of anxiety snaking through him and knew that any moment he would begin stuttering or repeating words. Or worse ye
t, be unable to speak at all. He also knew that the more he worried about it the worse it would get. He tried not to clench his hands or jaw, but it was a struggle.
“I suppose you think you have done Miss Jarvis a great service, embarrassing her suitors.” As he remained silent under her judgmental stare, she continued. “But it is imperative that she find a suitable husband. If you think to put yourself forward, I recommend that you reconsider.”
As she seemed to want a response to that, he finally said, “May I ask why?”
She raised a brow. “You wish to know why I find you unsuitable? Most men would not want to have such an inventory.”
His whole life he had been afraid of judgment from others. Suddenly, looking straight into the maw of the beast, his fear fell away. He felt his body relax and leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs and steepling his fingers. “On the contrary, madam. I’m quite familiar with my own shortcomings. I would be intrigued to know whether your accounting came anywhere near the mark.”
“You are outrageous, sir!”
“Only when protecting Elisa, I assure you.”
“When has she given you leave to use her Christian name?”
“The night we met.”
“I do not care for your attitude, Mr. Howards.”
“I apologize that we have not been properly introduced and I am not sure how to address you.”
“You may call me Lady Lassiter.”
John tried to recall the Lassiters. It had been some time since he had been forced to study a book of peerage. He nodded politely to her. “I’m delighted to make your acquaintance, Lady Lassiter. What is it, precisely, that you are worried about for your cousin?”
“Firstly, she needs a man who will know how to manage her money.”
“And you suspect that since I don’t have any I couldn’t possibly know how?”
“My sources confirm that you are virtually ignorant in the field of finance.”