by Zoe Glez
“I’m a fucking outcast. I’ve never had friends to make me feel worth it or distract me from it, and my family is hundreds of miles away. So, I told myself that the only way to make myself better is by doing something I love and risking the chance of disappointing my parents,” I finish, no longer able to hold the tears back.
“Laylah…” he starts to say. He grips my chin and tilts my face up so I’m looking into his eyes. In this moment, I can see something in his eyes. Something that looks a lot like love, or is it pity?
“Oh, God! I can’t believe I just said that. I— I have to go, this was a mistake,” I tell him as I dry my stupid tears and run inside the house. He calls after me, but I just continue on. I’d rather walk away than have him feel sorry for me.
The following weeks were full of complete awkwardness. I tried to evade him every chance I got, but he tried harder and harder to speak to me each time I did so. He just wouldn’t give up and I wouldn’t let him in, I couldn’t. If I did, I would get my heart broken, like my dad had once said.
But boy was I wrong. This guy turned out to be the best thing to ever happen. That much I now know.
What I love about him, aside from the way he treats me, is those beautiful hazel eyes that agree with his tanned skin and his cute, yet, hot dimples that form on his handsome face when he smiles. It gives me hope. Every time I see his gorgeous smile, he brings hope into my life.
On top of everything else, Mickey is not only my brother’s best friend, he is also Lola’s son, who happens to be Mama’s long time best friend. She’s a few years younger than her, but they’ve been friends ever since Lola’s husband, Felix, and my grandfather went into a business partnership together on a local bodega back in New York. Lola and Mama have been through everything together. I admire Lola for the strong woman she is regardless of everything she’s been through. Mickey is the youngest of three sons. The eldest one died in a drive by shooting back in El Barrio when he was twenty seven. He was my mom’s age at the time. The middle son, Chino, is thirty now and helps take care of the original bodega back in New York along with one of my uncles.
My grandparents moved from Puerto Rico to New York while Mama was pregnant with my mom. My uncles, Junior and Angel, where twelve and six at the time. By the time my uncle Lucas was born they were building their life in the States and my grandfather had already passed away. This led my Uncle Junior in charge of the family business along with Felix, until he, too, passed away.
Junior was left alone with the business. Once Angel decided to become involved, things got better. My father, after meeting and marrying my mother joined into the business as well. The bodega has since transformed from the tiny family business into a chain of supermarkets in the main Hispanic states. The original one still remains and is run by family, just as our ancestors had created it.
“Mickey?” I call as soon as I get home through the back door.
“In the living room, babe,” he calls back. “Hey! I was thinking we should call John this week and set up a meeting with him or maybe just talk to him when we go back there. That is, if we are still sure about this. It’s a big step, kind of overwhelming, don’t ya think?” he says still looking at the TV.
“Yeah…that’s fine. Sure,” I absentmindedly tell him.
My behavior catches his attention and he quickly turns toward me to see what’s up. “What’s wrong? Is it Mama? Is she okay, did she—”
“No, no. Mama is great. She’s more than great, actually. She’s wonderful. She’s a rock,” I interrupt him mid-sentence.
“Okay…so what is it that has my lovely lady in such a mood?” he asks, signaling for me to sit on his lap.
I let out a deep breath. This is home, he is my home, my safe haven and I’m afraid these days to come will destroy it. “The whole family is coming for the holidays,” I whisper.
He kisses my cheek. “We can handle one day with them here. We could tell them, if you’re ready to do so. If not, we can still wait until you feel comfortable with the idea of telling them.”
“That’s the thing, Mickey. It won’t be just one day. It will be for sixty days,” I say, feeling exasperated.
“What do you mean?” He’s confused now.
“Mama managed to pull off the whole Puerto Rican style Christmas thing she has always wanted to do. Starting from Thanksgiving ‘til mid-January they will all be staying here,”
“So, we tell them. I know—”
“We can’t just tell them, Miguel,” I yell and stand up. Letting fear control my feelings.
“Then what, Laylah? They will find out eventually, we have to tell them. We can’t just keep pretending there is nothing between us. It will kill us,” he yells back.
“I thought you said nothing could kill us,” I say in a small voice, reeling in my frayed emotions.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Come here,” he says, pointing back to where I was. I reclaim my spot on his lap. He kisses my temple and says, “Nothing can, baby. We’ve been through worse things and we’re still as strong as ever. Talk to me, Lai. No censors, remember? What’s bothering you? What’s circling that pretty little head of yours?”
“I’m afraid,” I state in a small voice, yet again. I can feel the knot beginning to form in my throat.
“Of what?” he encourages softly, close to my ear.
“I don’t know…that they will take you away from me?” I respond more as a question than a statement.
“That’s impossible. Never going to happen. You’re stuck with me. What else?” he asks pulling me closer to him.
“I’m afraid that somehow I will disappoint them…our relationship is not the only thing I’m keeping from them. No matter how old we are, no matter how sure we are of the decisions we have made in our lives, there is always going to be that part of us that is looking for our parent’s approval. For them to just be proud of us, you know?” I say, turning my head to look him in the eyes. He lowers his forehead to mine and nods. “My dad told me once that I should stay away from you, that the only thing you could ever offer me is a broken heart,” I whisper close to his mouth.
“He couldn’t be any more wrong about me. I would never do that to you.” he whispers back.
“I know…you’ve done nothing but fix my broken heart. You saved me, Mickey. Besides, the man I know and love isn’t capable of fixing that broken heart just so he can then shatter it into tinier pieces. That’s not you, it’s just not who you are. You’ve proven that to me time after time after time.” He places his hand on the nape of my neck and closes the distance between our lips, joining them for a kiss.
“We saved each other,” he breathlessly adds, momentarily stopping the kiss. It feels like we spend hours kissing, my pulse running wild. Finally breaking apart, we look into each other’s eyes with our foreheads pressed together, a content smile on our faces. He then kisses the tip of my nose and asks, “What’s our plan?”
I laugh. Letting out a sigh, I answer him, “I don’t know…I seriously don’t know. I mean, my brother is going to kill you, Mickey. When he finds out, he’s going to go ballistic and who knows how my dad is going to react. It’s going to be a double whammy for him. I just— I just don’t know.”
“I get it, I really do. Let’s just take a few days to think about it before making any decisions, okay?”
I nod. “Mama already has a plan laid out for us,” I inform him.
“Why doesn’t that surprise me at all?” he asks sarcastically.
“Yeah…” I respond. Getting comfortable in his arms, I tell him Mama’s plan.
“Are you sure about this?” Mickey asks me, a shy smile playing on his beautiful lips.
We’ve been talking about the situation for days now. We’ve come to the agreement that we still need some time until we are completely sure until I am completely sure, that our family will be comfortable with the idea of us being together.
“Of course I’m sure, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, I am. I’m just a bi
t overwhelmed with the whole idea of facing your mom and dad. To top it off, the idea of facing Kevin and not telling him about this great girl that I’ve gotten to know and love…”
“Oh, you! Who knew you were this romantically sweet?” I tease.
“Of course I am. What worries me the most is that once he knows that the girl is you, he will chase me down and kill me.”
“Well, my love, that is one bro code worth breaking and dying for,” I say poking him in his stomach.
“You bet your sweet ass it is.”
“I love you,” I say smiling up to him
“I love you, too,” he says back and I can see it written in his eyes. He’s as in love with me as I am with him.
“I’m all done. Did you put the rest of our stuff on lock down in the basement?”
“Yeah. I’m so going to miss you. God knows how long it’ll be before I can kiss you or have you next to me in bed. It might be the end of me. Worst. Type. Of. Torture. Ever,” Mickey says with a flirtatious smile.
I can’t help but giggle at his words. “You sir, are so dramatic.”
“You made me this way,” he accuses
“Sure. I did,” I say in a sarcastic tone.
Mickey and I have been preparing for this day as well as the months to, hoping they pass as quickly. We have packed what little evidence we have from our secret year and a half together and hid it in the basement under key. I’m all set to go to a hotel in the city. All the clothing I will need for these coming months is packed and Mickey is going to Mama’s and Lola’s place, where he has supposedly been living. In two days when everyone is expected to be here for the celebrations, I shall arrive as if I’ve been driving all the way from California.
This should work out. This should really work out. God, I hope this will work.
“Everything is going to work out. It will be fine. You know that, right?” Mickey interrupts my line of thinking, reading my mind in the weird way only he can.
“I know, but that still doesn’t mean—”
“We can always tell them the truth. I’m sure your parents will understand,” he interrupts me, knowing where I was heading.
“I just don’t want to disappoint them. I also don’t want to see you dead or my dad and Kevin in jail after they are done killing you.” We both laugh, mostly because of our nerves
Mickey reaches for me and hugs me tightly. After what seems like an eternity, he lifts my chin, bringing my eyes level with his. We embrace in a passionate kiss, the kind of kiss that only two people in love can share.
“God! I’m going to miss this like crazy,” he exhales while pulling me into another tight hug.
“Me too. I propose we tell them before the year ends,” I tell him while leaning my head on his chest.
“Sounds good to me. It should give us time to warm them up to the idea of us. Are you also going to tell them about the whole dropping out of business school thing?”
“One bomb at the time, babe,” I tell him. Reaching up to him, I give him a sweet, chaste kiss and, pull him closer to me. “But, I suppose I have to at some point,” I admit, my voice muffled by his chest.
We stand in this position for a long while, finally pulling apart when it’s time to head to town. Mickey has decided to stay the night with me. One last night before we have to pretend like we haven’t seen each other in eight years.
It’s been two years since he and my brother have seen each other. Since my mom married my dad and moved next door to Mama, Mickey and Kevin have been friends.
The house we both live in now was Lola’s. After years of talking about it she finally moved in with Mama, leaving us the house. My parents still own the house next door, never selling it after we moved eight years ago. Luckily, the distance didn’t get in the way of their friendship. Kevin has always come to visit him whenever he felt like it.
During the past two years, however, they haven’t seen each other. Mickey always had some excuse. Either he wasn’t in town or he was just too busy with his classes. It feels weird being the reason why they haven’t spent time together, but at least not all of it was lies. Mickey really was crazy busy with his classes some of those times. He’s been studying mechanical engineering.
For as long as I’ve known him, he has always been really interested in cars. Unfortunately, dad has never really taken him seriously and he has always considered Mickey a lost cause, mostly because Mickey is such a free spirit. This, is the sort of stuff that makes telling the family about our relationship so hard and complicated.
“Ok…I’m ready to go,” I say as I look around our bedroom. Aside from the essentials, the room is completely empty. “We should finish getting your stuff into the main house, eat, and say goodbye to your mom and Mama,” I say, smiling at Mickey as if to make sure everything will go well.
“Sounds good to me. I sure as hell am gonna miss this place. I know we are going to be back soon, but this is our home…” Mickey says looking a little overwhelmed and shrugging.
“I know.” I lay a kiss on his cheek.
We make our way to the main house through the gate that connects our backyards. I’m carrying my luggage while Mickey carries a few bags with his clothes as he prepares to move back to his ‘room’ in the main house. As far as my family is concerned, Lola couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage on her house, therefore Mama invited her and Mickey to move in with her.
Lola’s house was supposedly sold to this young couple who use it as a vacation home, only living in it during the summer when they feel like escaping from the city. The only truth about that whole situation is the young couple. I have to admit that most of the time the whole hidden relationship situation is fun, but it becomes a little tiresome. I guess part of me is also scared that once the rest of the family knows about us it just won’t be the same anymore.
As we enter the main house, Lola and Mama are putting the finishing touches on dinner. As soon as they see us coming through the back door, they put me right to work. I end up setting the table while Mickey goes to take the rest of his stuff to his bedroom upstairs. Once he’s back, we are all set and ready to eat.
“Shall we say grace?” Lola asks, raising her eyebrow and clasping her hands. We all just smile and nod in agreement. “Miguel, mijo, would you do us the honor?” she commands, making it sound like a question. But, Mickey knows better and does as his mother requests.
“Sure,” he smiles. Clearing his throat he starts to say grace. “Padre Nuestro, bless this food we are about to eat. Thank you for giving us the chance to be here one more day and for blessing us every day. As for the hard weeks about to come, please, God, don’t let anyone kill me. Amen.” He smiles from ear to ear and I can’t help but laugh.
“MIGUEL! Dios mío que yo voy a ser con este muchacho,” Lola exclaims angrily, but, you can see that she’s trying to hold back a smile.
“Déjalo, Lolita, así son los muchachos hoy en día,” Mama says, consoling her. She turns her head towards us, a serious expression on her face, showing us that it’s not acceptable behavior. After a few moments, she, gives us her reassuring angelic smile. “Now, let’s eat before the food gets cold, buen provecho.”
The food is glorious. It’s the typical Puerto Rican dinner. White rice with red beans, fried chicken, and tostones. Nothing better than the Puerto Rican food only my grandmother can make. Mama barely let’s anyone touch her kitchen. She’s the queen and the kitchen is her domain. She has taught me how to cook it doesn’t compare to her. She could have been a great chef during her days if she had wanted to do so, but she dedicated her life to her husband and kids. She has always been the rock of the family. I truly don’t know what we would do without her.
“So, did everyone RSVP for the jolly Gonzalez Christmas,” I ask sarcastically.
“Pues claro, mi niña. They have all been waiting for it to happen for a while now,” Mama says, ignoring my tone of voice. “Dios! Tus tios, they were all excited to hear that we were finally going to do something al est
ilo Boricua. They have missed that. They’ve even taken time off from work for it.” You can see her excitement, her beautiful blue eyes shining with hope.
“Good. I know they are. I mean, every time they get the chance to go to la Isla they get so excited that it’s almost like they’re four year olds at a big candy shop. It’s kind of hard to miss.”
“How is Arianna going to work out coming here when she has school to attend?” Mickey asks quizzically “I know that Lai’s excuse is that they are going to send all the work online until the winter break, but we all know that that’s just something we made up.”
“I talked to Angel, he told me Arianna was already getting ahead of her school work. What she cannot finish ahead of time, she can do after the break and any other assignments she may have will be sent online. Apparently, there’s some inspiration from our little white lie,” Mama exclaims throwing a conspiratorial wink at me. I can see that she worries about Ari. Once her mother died, Mama helped my uncle Angel raise her and Mary, her sister.
When Arianna got older, they moved to Texas where my uncle is currently taking care of one of the supermarket chains. “Tu tío, is going to bring Carla over!” As she says this you can see that her worries are over and her unique smile is once again lighting up her face.
“That’s…interesting, I guess,” I say while shrugging, I really don’t know what else to say.
Angel lost his wife a year after Arianna was born. Ever since then, he, with the help of my mom and Mama, has been doing his best with raising Arianna and Mary. Mary is a year older than me. Growing up, we were inseparable. But, as we grew older our bond withered away somehow.
These days, Arianna and I are the inseparable ones. We call and chat with each other every chance we can. She’s four years younger than me, but, still, we have so much in common. She’s like a sister to me; the sister I never got to have since I got stuck with my pain in the arse older brother.