by Zoe Glez
Everyone loved Maddie, just like I knew they would. My parents were pretty happy for us. Mom instantly begged my dad to figure out a way for them to move back and spend more time with their granddaughter. Surprisingly, my dad told her he was already working on it. We told them how it was that we found such a precious child in our lives and they were amazed by our story. Over all, I truly believe that they are all really happy for us.
Aside from Mama and Lola who she had already met before, Maddie took an instant liking to my parents, my dad in particular. She also went in to full playful mode with Mario, who is just a big kid at heart and is really great with kids.
The family left a couple of hours later, allowing us some alone time as a family. Luke and Trey decided to go out on a dinner date and I’m pretty sure they will be staying at a hotel nearby. Earlier in the day, Trey had come to me and told me that he wanted to pop the question to my uncle. I gave him my big thumbs up and my blessing. They deserve this sort of happiness. They deserve to feel the kind of joy that I feel.
With everyone gone we took on the job of getting Maddie settled in. She looked really happy about spending time with everyone, but I could also see that she was getting really tired. So, we took her upstairs so she could finally see her room. She loved it. Her face was almost comical when she saw it, her eyes looking like they were about to pop out of her head while her jaw dropped to the floor. She was speechless, which was just what I had expected.
“Puppy!” she screeched when she noticed Buddy.
“That’s Buddy, Maddie. You wanna pet him?” Mickey asks her. She nods. Her honey eyes shiny with innocence and joy, the kind that only a child can carry. One that I hope will never leave her eyes.
“Can Bubby sleep with me tonight?” she asks once we have her ready for bed.
“Of course he can, sweetie,” I say and she happily smiles, trying to pick up Buddy in her hands. Our little fat-ball is too heavy for her, so Mickey helps her out and lays Buddy in the bed with her.
“There you go, baby girl,” Mickey says giving her a kiss on the forehead.
“Sing me a song?” she asks me, all sleepily.
I nod trying to figure out a lullaby to sing to her. I remember one that my mom always used to sing to me. It’s in Spanish, so I could barely tell what it is about, but I do know that every time she sang it to me I felt some sort of peace and tranquility inside me. So, I go for it and start singing to “A La Nanita Nana”. As soon as I hit the middle she starts drifting off.
“Pretty,” she whispers before finally falling asleep. That’s when I see, the same kind of peace I used to feel whenever my mom sang this very same song to me take over her. I’m so glad I get to do the very same thing with my daughter.
As soon as I finish singing we silently kiss her good night. “Sleep well, my sweet angel,” I whisper to her before walking toward the door were Mickey is waiting for me. I turn off the light and close her door behind.
“I think that for our first day, we did a pretty good damn job, hot mamma,” Mickey exclaims pulling me in to his arms and starting to kiss my neck.
“I think we did, hot papa,” I breathlessly tell him.
“Why don’t you say we get these pesky clothes off of you? I’ve always wanted to be with a MILF,” he says reaching for the hem of my top and leaving a trail of kisses to my earlobe.
“Is that so…” I tease.
Further thoughts were eliminated from my mind once he had me undressed and in bed. I had officially declared myself a happy woman that night.
The next few days went amazingly well. Maddie loved spending time with everyone, but I could tell her favorite moments were those she spent with Mama. To see my daughter and my grandmother spending that much time together, like we used to do when I was her age, was earth shattering. My dad had bought her a jungle gym playground that practically took over the whole backyard. I was afraid our little girl might turn out spoiled if we keep this up.
Things couldn’t be better. Everyone seems to be in a renewed happiness ever since our little angel arrived. Even Junior had backed off of his drinking and spent some time playing with her on the jungle gym. That bought a few laughs out of all of us. Our baby girl was a happy child.
Mama seemed to enjoy her more than anyone. She reached out to me one day and thanked me for giving her the chance of meeting one of her great grandbabies. I didn’t pay that much attention to her words, but I should have done so. I should of have known. It was all over her face, she looked happy but deep inside those angelic eyes of her I saw the pain that she was going through. The fact that Maddie was here with us had distracted me away from it.
But, come Friday evening I couldn’t ignore it anymore. They say all good things come to an end, but I never really believed in that until that day. I just never thought that this day would come so soon.
I wasn’t ready for it. I was totally blind sided.
Chapter Twenty
T
he thing about secrets, especially the really big ones, is that they always come back to bite you in the ass. Hard. No matter how much you try to keep them.
I was with Maddie playing on her new swing set when I heard someone calling my name. Hearing the panic in the voice, I looked to the sound.
“Laylah, oh, Dios, you have to come quick,” Carla says once she gets to where I am.
“What is it?” I ask, beginning to worry. She begins to speak but she hesitates and eyes Maddie who is standing by my side.
Feeling that whatever Carla might say would upset her, I kneel by her side and tell her, “Baby girl, why don’t you go inside and play with your daddy and Buddy while I talk with aunty Carla for a second, okay?” she nods in response and runs to the house, but not before giving me a hug and telling me to hurry.
I look to Carla and raise my brow in question.
“Ay Dios! Laylah es Mama,” she says.
“What’s wrong with her?” I ask. Already feeling the panic deep in my bones, I start walking toward the main house.
“She fainted, your dad and Angel are already trying to get her to respond but she won’t. We’re pretty sure she needs her insulin shot but none of us know how and Lola is out. Then, I remembered hearing that you knew how. So I came looking for you,” she kept talking, but I tuned her out.
I knew it couldn’t be that, she never missed her insulin shot. She was very strict about it. I knew, I just knew it was something else, something more serious. So, I stopped listening to Carla, hell, I even left her talking alone, and I just started running to the house. I could feel the bile about to come out of my throat but, I ignored it, pushing it to go back down. I need to think and act fast. I needed to believe it wasn’t time, at least not yet.
“Mama!” I screech out of panic once I entered the house and saw her passed out on the floor.
My mom was in a corner crying as she looked over my dad and my uncle who both were trying to get her to react with what seemed to be a cotton ball wet in alcohol. I quickly went to the floor where they were and started to feel for her pulse. I could hear her breathing, so I knew she still hadn’t left us yet. But, her pulse was weak. I could barely feel it.
“Call an ambulance!” I ordered, to no one in specific.
I felt my dad move and reach for his phone. I could hear him tell the operator what had happened and give them all the information about my grandmother. I could also feel my walls shattering.
Secrets. They can break you apart. This one, this was one secret I never wanted to be part of. But, she left me no other choice and look at where it got us. Her, lying on the floor unconscious, leaving me all to tell the one secret that could break this whole family apart.
When the ambulance came I convinced them that I should ride with her since I knew her medical history. Not wanting to waste more time, they quickly agreed. Before leaving, I asked Carla to go get Mickey and tell him what had happened. Meanwhile, the ride to the hospital was the most eternal thing in this world.
Four hundred and
fifty eight, that’s how many floor tiles you can find in the waiting room of a hospital. Or, at least that’s how many I counted or maybe undercounted. I’ve been at war with myself. I had found myself at a point where I don’t know what the hell to do. Ever since I found out about what it is that’s taking my grandmother away, I’ve been in denial. This denial is what made it easy for me to just keep lying, pretending like nothing serious was going on. But, there is no way to deny it now. I can’t keep pretending she’s fine because she isn’t.
They says the truth will always set you free. But, how can it? How can telling my family that my grandmother, my dear, old, sweet angel, has cancer set anyone free? How do I say that the cancer is eating her alive and feel better? I can’t. This truth is not freeing, it’s damning.
How can you even pretend that something like this isn’t happening? Could it be because the person you’re losing lives their life in the most positive way, enjoying each day that passes? Is it because they go through life like they won’t die any day now? Does that makes them stronger? Does it even help them enjoy the time they have left without worrying about the what if’s in life? I truly have no idea. But it sure seemed to work for her, until today.
I just know that my grandmother is one of the strongest women I have ever known. She keeps this family on its feet. I have seen her grow weaker physically but so much stronger in heart, mind, and character. So it must help make her feel better, to suffer less.
It was during the middle of the year that we found out, she was just going to do some routine checkups, nothing more and nothing less. It was supposed to be just that. The doctor did some testing and told her his suspicions, telling her to come back in a week for the results. And so we did. This time Mickey came with us upon my request since I didn’t think I could’ve handled it alone.
Long story short, the doc told her she had bone cancer, told her about the many different treatments and about the surgery. He told her that the cancer had started to spread, that the more she waited the more aggressive the treatment had to be.
She just told him she didn’t want any treatment, that she didn’t need it. It broke my heart. I couldn’t understand the reasons for her to do this. When I told her I’ll be calling my mom and uncles to tell them about her sickness she made me swear not to do it, that she will eventually do it. She never did tell them, and now is up to me.
“What are you doing? You can’t just give up like this. You can’t just, not fight it. You have to do something. Why aren’t you doing something?” I ask her feeling exasperated.
“Because, there is nothing to do, Laylah,” she practically hisses at me, something she has never done.
“What do you mean there is nothing to do? There is plenty of options out there; you heard what the doctor said,” I tell her practically screaming now.
“No, Laylah, there isn’t. It’s all over me, going to treatment would only make me weaker. I won’t be able to enjoy my family like I’m supposed to. I want to be there for them, for you, for all of you and going to treatment won’t allow me to do so.” she explains but I am not hearing any of it.
“The hell with them! Some family we have. It’s been what? Over a year since they’ve come here? We barely talk, and what? How many secrets have we kept from each other? How many lies do we keep telling each other? Forgive me, but if you’re doing this because of them, don’t. Please, don’t. Please, just do it for yourself, go to treatment. Get better; get better so you can still be here with us. So you won’t leave me. I need you, vieja. I don’t think I could ever handle a life without you. You’re my rock, our rock. How could we ever survive a life without you?” I say calmer now, the tears running out of my eyes uncontrollably.
“Laylah!” she reprimands. “I know this family is far from perfect, no family ever is. But, I love you all, regardless of it. I have thought you all good, I trust the decisions you all take in life because I taught you all to trust and believe on yourself over anyone else. I taught you to learn from our past mistakes. But, above all, I’ve taught you to forgive each other because that’s what families do, we forgive each other, we love blindly.
“So, yeah…I’m doing this for you, for all of you, my beautiful, imperfect, loving family. And I trust all of you won’t ever disappoint me, whether I’m here or not. Mi niña, I rather be here for you as strong as I’ve always been than be here for you all bones and weak. I love taking care of my family, that’s what I was born to do. Going into treatment won’t allow me to do so. I love you, Laylah and I’ll always be here for you. Even when I die, you can always count on me. We just aren’t meant to live forever,” she says.
“Oh…Mama! This is just too hard for me, how can you ever be so strong and positive about this?” I move to her pulling her in a strong hug
“I have faith, Laylah. Promise me something? Promise me you won’t tell any of them. I’ll tell them all eventually,” she asks me as she wipes my tears off.
“Why?” I ask in a confused tone.
“Because, they aren’t ready to hear it yet,” she simply says.
After some time I saw she was doing better, so I figured she may have accepted to go into one of the treatments. She sure fooled me.
The first thing I did when I came here was call her doctor. It seemed like the right thing to do. When I called the doctor, he had told me that she had dropped him as a doctor. She had only gone to one of the treatment sessions and after that one she never came back.
Now, how can I tell all of this to them without making them hate me? I know, I know it’s not my fault it’s nobody’s fault, but it sure is a lot of weight and responsibility for me to take.
It’s hard to tell your whole family that one of them is dying.
It seems like it took them hours but the family finally arrived to the hospital. Waiting here alone was getting tiresome. As soon as they all arrived, I explained everything. How they had to stabilize her and do some checkups, everything except the reason why she was really here. I had decided to tell them, but my two lifelines were missing and I just couldn’t do it without them. I asked where Mickey and Maddie are. They assure me that they are on their way. Mickey had been trying to find someone to take care of Maddie while we were in the hospital but he couldn’t find anyone and our baby girl didn’t want to be left with some stranger.
“Mommy,” I hear her call for me and her little feet running towards me.
“Come here, sweetheart,” I tell her, picking her up in my arms. As soon as I do, I completely lose it and start crying as I hold her in my arms. Mickey, seeing me, comes to where we are and hugs us, saying sweet nothings in my ear. Giving me strength and telling me it will all be fine, reminding me that Mama is a very strong woman.
Sensing all eyes on me from my family I finally turn to them. “She has cancer.” I tell them letting out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.
“What do you mean she has cancer?” all but Junior and Lola ask.
It took a while, but with Junior’s, Lola’s, and Mickey’s help I was finally able to clear my conscience. No more secrets. They understood why I didn’t tell them and they told me they didn’t blame me, they could never blame me. But, that doesn’t mean that they weren’t broken by the news. They were now more worried with her health condition than they were before. And, the fact that no one had come to us to tell us how she was, made things worse.
None of us wanted to leave, I knew that at least Mickey and I should leave because Maddie needed to sleep but our little girl wanted to stay. Lola and mom had gone a couple of times to the hospital chapel to pray and took her with them. Then, whenever anyone wanted to go to the cafeteria she also went with them. I guess her company did them good, calmed them. I know that to me it did. It also helped to keep her mind distracted from what was happening around her.
It took eight hours for a doctor to finally come to us with news. “The family of Angelica Gonzalez?” he called from the door and we all stand up to go to where he was. “I guess she wasn’
t kidding when she said she had a big family waiting for her.” he said with a humorless laugh.
“How is she?” my mom and my uncles ask, moving the closest to him.
“She’s doing well. It took us a while but we managed to stabilize her. Once we did, we kept her resting and kept an eye on her to check if her condition worsened. As you probably all know, Mrs. Gonzalez has bone cancer. Due to the fact that she is a diabetic it makes things more complicated. I checked her record and it said she had refused treatment. Due to this, the cancer had spread all over her body quicker than normal,” he said and I felt like the air was taken away from me.
“What does this mean?” Junior asks.
“Well…unfortunately it means we can’t do much about it, except wait. The cancer has been slowly taking over her heart. I can tell she’s a strong woman. In any other person cancer such as this would have taken them already. I know it’s hard for all of you, but it is recommended that you are all prepared to say your final goodbyes to her. There is a family counselor that could help you all deal with the grief and to pass the news to the little ones.” He finishes, looking at where Mickey and I are with Maddie sleeping in his arms.
The doc left then but not before promising us to come back when we can see Mama. By the time he left everyone was already in tears because of the news he had told us. I was more than glad that I had Mickey and Maddie with me. All I could do was to hold them and hope to God that my grandmother would make it for another month, heck, another year.
The doctor finally came back around three hours later. Unfortunately, not all of us could see her at once. My mom and my uncles were the first one to go see how she was doing. By the time Mickey and I were able to go, she was already asleep. She looked like the angel she’s always been. She looked more fragile than ever, but I knew that behind that fragility was a very strong woman.