“I don’t smoke,” I say. “So if that was true, you wouldn’t be smoking. And I don’t think I’ve ever been debonair in my life.”
“Sometimes, when I’m in this car with you, it’s like a taste of a different life. A better life. You know?”
His words make my skin feel too tight.
“This is just my life,” I say. “So, no, I don’t know. I do know, though,” I go on, reaching over and plucking the cigarette out of his hand, “that I don’t like it when you smoke in my car. Save your filthy habit for your own time.” I toss the still-smoking cigarette out the window.
“Fire hazard,” Seth says. “It’s hot out there.”
“You’re the damn fire hazard,” I say. But still, I glance out of the window to make sure that the cigarette butt hasn’t sparked and started a fire that will burn the whole desert down.
“Are you saying I’m hot?” Seth asks.
I snort. “You’re ridiculous.”
“Ridiculously hot, according to you. Fire-hazard hot.”
I laugh despite myself. “That’s it. That’s the last time I’m ever buying you cigarettes.”
“That’s what you said the last time,” he says, with a grin that makes me dizzy.
It must be the heat.
It must be my lack of sleep.
It must be the sun.
It definitely isn’t Seth.
It can’t be.
CHAPTER 18
I haven’t seen Dre very much this summer, and tomorrow she’s going to Mexico with her family for two weeks, so I’ve invited her over for dinner. My dad is making tempura tonight, and it’s her favorite. We’ve got some time before we eat, so we go up to my room to hang out. When we do, she flops down on my bed.
“So…” she says, not looking at me.
“So…?” I say.
“So what the hell, Reiko? What is with the silent treatment? I haven’t seen you all summer!”
“I wasn’t giving you the silent treatment,” I say, pulling at a loose thread on my bedspread. “I just needed to be by myself.”
Dre sighs so heavily I’m expecting the walls of my room to blow down.
“Don’t be mad,” I say.
“I’m not mad, even though I should be. Pretty shitty when you just go off radar like that.” She pokes me in the stomach. “I just get worried. That’s all. You know?”
That’s worse than her being mad.
“You’ve got nothing to worry about,” I say.
“Reiko. Stop lying to me, stop lying to yourself. You are always giving me something to worry about. Disappearing for days, going off in the desert by yourself—”
“I’m not always by myself.”
“Really?” Dre sits up and stares hard at me. “Who are you with then?”
I know what she’s insinuating. She’s asking me if I see Mika. If I’m going out into the desert with Mika.
I pull away from her. “It isn’t what you think.” Which is sort of the truth and sort of a lie.
“Well, then, what is it?”
“I’m just stressed about applying to college,” I blurt. And as I do, I realize that I mean it. “What if I don’t get into UCLA?”
Dre rubs my back. “Of course you’ll get in. You’re Reiko Smith-Mori. You have practically perfect grades. Hell, you’re practically perfect.”
I don’t know if her words make me feel better or worse, but I manage a smile. “Thanks, Dre. And … sorry for going MIA.”
“That’s OK, babe,” says Dre. “You can owe me.”
* * *
At dinner, Koji bickers with Dre like she’s his sister too. He always has. It’s not the same as having two real big sisters, but it is the next best thing.
“So, Reiko,” says my mom, passing me my plate, “Koji said you had a boy over.”
Shit. I glare at Koji. So much for sibling solidarity.
“What?” he says. “I didn’t know it was a secret.”
“Ohh, a SECRET boy,” Dre singsongs. “And what boy would that be?” Her tone is light, but I can tell she’s annoyed I haven’t told her.
“My question exactly.” My mom winks at Dre.
“I must admit, I’m curious as well,” says my dad.
“It isn’t a big deal,” I say. “Dre, how long are you in Mexico again?” I’m desperate to change the subject. I don’t want Dre to know about Seth.
“Uh-uh. We can talk about my holiday plans after. First, you can tell me who Koji is talking about.” There’s a slight edge to her voice.
“Yeah!” Koji chimes in.
“Or Koji can tell us?” Dre goes on, grinning wickedly.
I kick her under the table.
“I would, but I forgot his name,” says Koji with his mouth full of shrimp tempura.
“It isn’t important,” I say. What I mean is, he isn’t important − or at least I can’t admit that he is. Not out loud. Not yet.
“Seth!” Koji exclaims, suddenly remembering.
Double shit. I bite the inside of my cheek in frustration.
“Seth Rogers?” Dre says incredulously. “The guy from the ice-cream shop?”
“Unless Reiko knows another Seth,” says Koji. “Do you?”
“No,” I say with a scowl.
“Oh! The boy with the Physics notes. I remember now,” says my mom. She turns to Dre. “What do you know about this Seth Rogers?”
“Not much, actually. He’s kind of a lone wolf at school.” Dre gives me a confused glance.
“That doesn’t sound like Reiko’s type,” says my dad. “She usually goes for the big-man-on-campus type.”
“I do not,” I say.
“Well, Ryan Morris definitely fit that description,” Dad says. Ryan was my last boyfriend.
“What do you think, Koji?” says my mom. “You’re the one who has met this mystery man.”
“This Seth guy seemed nicer than Ryan was. Nicer than the guy before Ryan too. What was his name?”
“Julian,” Dre supplies.
“Julian was plenty nice to you,” I say to Koji. “And so was Ryan.”
Koji shrugs. “Julian was a creep. He treated me like some dumb kid.”
Julian and I dated at the end of my freshman year when he was a senior. My parents were not exactly thrilled about it, and it didn’t last long. I don’t even think I was that into Julian; I was just into the fact that a senior was into me. Now that I’m about to be a senior, I can’t imagine any of my guy friends dating a freshman. I mean, I can imagine it, but it would be creepy. No wonder all the senior girls used to glare at me.
“And what was wrong with Ryan?” I take a piece of sweet potato tempura off of Koji’s plate. Ryan and I got together in sophomore year, and then his dad got some big job opportunity in New York, so his family moved out there in the middle of the year. We weren’t ever that serious. We made out a lot in the back of my car, in the back of his car, pretty much anywhere we could. We didn’t have all that much in common, but it didn’t really matter. What mattered was I was into him, he was into me, and we had the same friends. My mom used to say that when I was older, when I was in college, I’d meet guys I had more in common with. She said that the guys I dated now were just fillers.
I can’t figure out if Seth is a filler or something else. Not that we’re dating. Or ever will. Which is why I don’t want to have this conversation.
Dre finally notices my discomfort and takes pity on me. “So, Ken,” she says to my dad, “what are you working on these days?”
As my dad launches into a long explanation about his most recent project, Dre winks at me and I scowl back.
I know this conversation isn’t over.
“I don’t get it,” Dre says later. We are back in my room and she is French-braiding my hair, and swearing as the strands refuse to stay in place. “What the hell do you guys do?”
I shrug, keeping my eyes down. I’m not going to tell her that we roam the desert looking for its secrets, or go searching for hidden streams to dip
our toes in, the water a sharp relief from the ever-present heat, or make up stories about the family of cacti we found, or dance wildly when the sun is high, just to see our shadows jump.
“We just talk,” I say.
“If you say so,” she singsongs.
I don’t know how to explain me and Seth. How do I say that in the past few weeks, he’s become something to me? Become someone.
I just don’t know what.
“He’s like a really good friend,” I say eventually, my voice over-casual.
Andrea snorts. “Reiko, I’m your best friend. I should know who your ‘really good friends’ are.”
I throw a pillow at her. “You don’t know everything about me.”
Her face goes serious. “That’s what worries me, Rei.”
“Dre, you don’t have anything to worry about. Honestly. And it isn’t as weird as it sounds. But I don’t know how Libby and everyone would react. So maybe don’t mention it?”
“Since when do friends keep other ‘friends’ secret?” she says, brow raised.
“Come on, Dre. Please?” Dre is reacting way better than I thought she would, but then again, she’s Dre. She’s my best friend. She’d be on my side, no matter what.
“I mean, I have to admit, it does sound a little weird,” she says. “I mean, would he say you two are really good friends?”
“Yeah, probably.” Or he would if he thought it would make me happy. He likes to make me happy. I like having someone who cares so much about making me happy.
That makes me happy.
After Dre goes home and I’ve showered and gotten ready for bed, I find Mika hiding in my closet.
“Mika! What are you doing in there?”
“Hiding from you.”
“Well, I’ve found you.”
And then, completely unexpectedly, she bursts into tears.
“Mika!” I say, dropping to the floor and wrapping my arms around her. “What’s wrong?”
She looks at me with reproach. “You’re all doing everything without me!”
I’ve never seen her like this. She’s trembling with frustration.
“Mika, Mika, everything is OK,” I say, patting her back. Then I take a deep breath. “Do you want me to stop going out at night? Do you want me to tell Koji to stop playing music?”
She shakes her head. “No, I don’t want that. I just … I want to do it too.”
“I know,” I say. “I want that too.” I keep rubbing her back as her tears subside. “Hey, let’s go up on the roof and watch the stars.”
CHAPTER 19
Seth and I hang out so much now that half the time I don’t even text or call before I show up at his place. Tonight is no different. When I knock at his front door, his mom calls out that the door is open, so I let myself in. She is sitting at the only table in the whole place, sifting through a junk haul.
I tug on the diamond pendant around my neck. It’s the kind Lucille would celebrate finding, and the kind that I probably wouldn’t even notice if I lost. I know all the stuff I have can’t make me happy, but it’s still nice to have it. Part of me wants to take my necklace off, though, and leave it hidden in the trailer for her to find. But another part of me knows that would be a tasteless, tacky gesture. The kind of thing my mom would call gauche.
“Hi, Lucille,” I say, going over to look at what she’s got. “Find any treasure?”
“Not yet.” She looks up at me and grins. “But the day is young,” she adds with a wink. “Seth’s in his room − you can go on in.”
Seth’s room is tiny, more of a glorified closet. I’ve only been in it once or twice before, but I know that the door doesn’t open all the way, because the room is too small. I open it carefully to avoid knocking the foot of the bed, and then slip in through the small space. Seth’s sleeping, curled up on his side, his mouth open a little bit. I can hear him breathing.
“Seth?” I say, quietly at first. Then, more loudly: “Seth!”
Still nothing. I gently, so gently, reach down and tap his shoulder, and he jolts awake.
“Reiko? What are you doing here?” He blinks up at me, like I’m not real.
“I’m here on a secret mission,” I say and then I perch on the edge of the bed and swat him on the leg. “I’m here to see you, obviously.”
I swear he starts to glow from the inside out.
We drive for hours, passing our usual favorite spots. Nothing feels right tonight. Nothing gives me that little fissure of excitement I get when we find something magical, when we discover somewhere that feels like it is only for us. We turn down roads we’ve never been down and up through canyons, and when the wind starts to pick up, really pick up, we’re miles and miles and miles away from home.
I pull over, not because it feels like there might be something there, but because the way my car is teeter-tottering on the road is making me anxious.
“Crazy storm,” I say, and Seth nods, but I can tell he’s not really listening.
“It’s my birthday next week,” he says, looking down. “On the Fourth of July, actually.”
“Oh,” I say, because I’m not sure I want us to do birthdays together. Celebrating time passing is not something I want to happen with Seth. I like that we are out of time. Separate from the rest of the world.
“I was hoping …” He starts to gnaw on a nail, or what is left of one. He chews his nails down till they are raw and red and I can’t stand to look at them.
“Stop biting your nails,” I say, sharper than I mean to, because he’s so clearly nervous about something and it is putting me on edge.
“… we could spend it together. Do dinner, or something?”
“Just … us?”
“You say that like we never do anything just us. We do everything just us,” he says.
Now I wish he’d go back to biting his nails because he’s staring at me with a fierce intensity that makes me feel like squirming.
He ploughs on. “I’ve got something planned.”
Alarm bells start to chime in my head. Not just an average dinner. Something planned. And suddenly, I’m scared of what we’re heading toward, scared of what he thinks we’re heading toward.
“But don’t you want to spend your birthday with … your friends?” I say, buying time.
Your other friends is what I mean. The friends you hang out with at school. Although, maybe he doesn’t have any. Like Dre said, he’s kind of a lone wolf.
“Are we not friends?”
I take a deep breath. “That’s not what I said. I’m just … surprised you’d want to spend your birthday with me. With just me.”
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.
The wind is creaking all around us and I feel like it is asking me to come out and play. The car is getting smaller and smaller around me and if I don’t get out soon, it will keep shrinking until it crushes me.
“Let’s get out,” I say, unlocking the door and pushing it open. I have to push hard to open it against the wind and then the wind changes its mind and flings it wide open and sand swirls into the car.
“Come on!” I jump out into the desert, not caring that the sand is stinging my eyes, not caring that we don’t know where we are.
There is so much sand in the air that it looks like the actual air is glowing, glowing a pale gold, and I reach down to pick up a handful. I throw it in the air, adding to the sand celebration, because that is what this is.
“What is this place?” Seth is right next to me, but he has to yell to be heard because of the wind. “Where are we?”
“We’re on an adventure!” I say and I dash out into the dark, through the swirling gold.
I’m wearing a long, billowing skirt, and as I spin around, it picks up the wind, and I don’t know if I’m spinning the skirt or if the skirt is spinning me.
“Rei! Come back!” Seth’s words whip around me, but I don’t stop. I keep running. I keep spinning. I want to put distance between whatever is happening with me and Seth. I don
’t want complicated. I want for Seth and me to go on being out in the desert in the dark with no thought as to what might happen and no pressure. No promises.
“Come catch me,” I call back, but my voice gets lost in the wind.
“Reiko, I think this is a sandstorm! We have to get back to the car!”
Why would I want to get back to the car when I’m flying? I love how the wind feels on my face, in my hair. I love how I feel like I could lift up into the sky and fly away away away.
“Let’s dance!” I scream back at Seth, and he reaches out for me, but the wind is on my side and it pushes me just out of his reach.
“Reiko! I’m serious! We need to get back to the car!”
“I need to dance! Dance dance dance!”
I raise my hands up to the sky and keep spinning. I’m spinning so much that I can’t tell if the stars are above me or all around me. I think I might rise up into the night sky and never come back down.
The wind is whistling a melody that only I can hear and it is glorious. “The stars are singing!” I yell.
I close my eyes tight tight tight against the sand, against the wind, against the sky, close them tight against Seth’s birthday wishes, and I wonder if when I open them, the wind will have scooped me up and dropped me off in a faraway land like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
When the wind stops to take a breath, I open my eyes and start to laugh. I’m coated in a fine layer of sand. I can feel it in my hair and in the corners of my mouth and in-between my fingers.
“Reiko! Get back here!” Seth is shouting.
I go toward his voice, because where else am I going to go? What else am I going to do? I’m not in Oz. I’m still here. He’s still here.
I pick up my long skirt and run back toward my car. Seth is still standing next to it, he hasn’t moved, but he’s wearing the same sand coat I am.
He’s not laughing.
“What was that?” he says, as we clamber back inside and I turn on the ignition. We’re getting dust and sand all over the seats, but I don’t care. “Why did you take off like that?”
“I wanted to go on an adventure.” I turn on my headlights and start driving the car back the way we came. “Isn’t that the reason we go on the drives?”
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