Why hadn’t he called? Why hadn’t he given her the courtesy of a proper goodbye? Especially after disappearing on her before. Did this mean it wasn’t goodbye? Perhaps he needed some breathing space? What the hell was in that letter? Had he discovered an illegitimate child? The questions buzzing around her head like wasps attacking her peace of mind did nothing but cause her more stress and worry her to distraction. Without answers she was adrift in a sea of the unknown.
After speaking with Dorcas, she had invited Dillon around for coffee. Partly to see if he had heard anything and partly to make sure he was okay. He seemed to be as confused as she was about Jason’s sudden disappearance.
‘I’ve tried to get hold of him too, but he hasn’t returned my calls. It’s like he’s…I don’t know…dropped off the face of the earth,’ he told her as they sat at her kitchen table drinking coffee.
‘Again.’ Stevie stared blankly at the brown liquid in her cup.
Dillon shook his head. ‘But this time it’s different. Something spooked him. I wish I knew what it was. I can’t imagine what was in that letter. I hope he’s okay.’
‘Me too. I wonder what he’ll do about your dad’s funeral.’
‘I think he’ll be there, Stevie. I don’t think he’d miss it. Even after everything he told me about the abuse, I…I think he’ll be there for me.’
Glancing into the bottom of her mug, she shook her head. ‘Really? I’m not so sure. I actually think he’s gone for good.’
Dillon frowned at her words. ‘Nah, he wouldn’t do that again, would he?’
She huffed. ‘Why are you asking me? You know as much as I do. And I think perhaps we both know a hell of a lot less than we should.’
The chapel at the crematorium was small, and only a few friends had turned up for the service. Sullen people in black filed in slowly, some Stevie recognised and others she had never seen before. She watched the door, fiddling with her fingers in her lap, waiting for Jason’s arrival. At the front near the lectern, Dillon was chatting with Reverend Greenough from their village church, and he too kept glancing at the door. Losing his dad had been so hard on him, and learning that Mick had physically abused his older brother, the reason Jason had disappeared ten years ago, had shattered his world. Dillon was coping well on the surface of things, but now that Jason had disappeared again, she wondered how long it would be before he fell apart.
She had helped Dillon to contact relatives and old family friends, and she had listened to him talk for hours about his dad and how hard it was to accept that he had treated Jason so differently. Dillon felt so much guilt and had cried on her shoulder on more than one occasion since Jason had left again.
Dana reached out and took her hand. ‘Sweetie, you’re going to tie yourself in knots if you carry on.’
‘I know… I can’t help it, Mum. What if Jason doesn’t turn up?’
Dana gave a sad smile. ‘Honestly, darling, I hate to say this, but I don’t think he will. Whatever was in the letter was serious enough to take him away. That and the fact Mick treated him so cruelly. Jason has no real reason to be here. You need to give him time.’
‘But what if he doesn’t come back? What if I never see him again, Mum?’ Panic washed over her again.
‘In that case, you will have to let him go. You coped once before and you will cope again, as hard as it will be. Anyway, it’s been tearing you apart, all this to-ing and fro-ing that the pair of you have been doing. Neither of you are helping yourselves you know. You’ll never get over each other if you don’t let go, and you told me that’s what you want and need to do.’
Stevie sighed heavily. The main reason for her unwillingness to leave London—her mother's illness—remained her own painful secret. Knowing the truth would mean Dana demanding she change her mind, but she just wasn't willing to leave her. And anyway, men left and this reason for staying, the one she had verbalised to her mother, was no less true. Stevie took a deep, resigned breath. ‘You’re right. I know we had no future… It’s just…I can’t help feeling empty now that he’s gone again. It’s bringing back so many memories that I would rather forget.’
Dana stroked her cheek. ‘I know, sweetie. Believe me I do understand what you’re going through. When your father left, I was in such a miserable state for a very long time. I had to accept that Jed wasn’t cut out to be a dad. It hurt like hell, and I couldn’t understand how he could just leave us. I cried so much and swore off relationships for a very long time, but eventually I realised that living in the past means missing out on the future.’
‘I know, Mum. I just…I can’t seem to let him go, even though he said he wants us to try a long distance relationship and I said I couldn’t do it.’
‘You have to do what’s right for you, sweetie.’ Dana patted her thigh with her free hand, and Stevie disappeared into her own mind for a while.
Eventually, Dillon returned to where she sat and took her other hand. ‘He isn’t coming, Stevie. Reverend Greenough says we can’t wait any longer. He has a baptism to get back for. I think maybe Jace said all the goodbyes he needed to say at the hospital. Let’s hope he’s okay wherever he is.’ He squeezed her hand gently.
She clenched her jaw, trying to fend off angry tears. ‘No, Dillon, this is crazy. He said he’d forgiven your dad and wanted to move on. He’ll regret not being here so bloody much. I don’t understand him.’
The frail looking old lady seated at the nineteen-seventies, wood-panelled organ began to play ‘Amazing Grace’. Her playing skills were beautiful, considering her advanced years. Overcome with emotion yet again, the tears began to cascade down Stevie’s face. But the tears were not for the man about to be cremated. They were for the messed up and damaged man whose absence was making her heart ache.
Chapter Three
Jason sat in his hire car in the large car park of the St. Honor hospital. It was a huge modern white building rather like a city in its own right and much bigger than any of the hospitals he had been to in the UK. He felt like he was on some kind of stake out as he watched people coming and going completely unaware of his impending journey into the unknown.
He took a deep breath and climbed out of the vehicle. After closing the car door, he stood for a few moments toying with the idea of turning around and driving away. But he hadn’t come all this way to chicken out at the last minute. With a firmer resolve than he had thought possible, he made his way to the entrance.
The hospital was buzzing with people. Patients trailing mobile drip stands along with them as they escorted visiting relatives to the exit, a police officer chatting to a nurse, orderlies wheeling patients, people waiting to be seen at the desk. It really was a hive of activity. The familiar smell of disinfectant brought a wave of nausea. He tried to breathe through his mouth, but the longer he had to wait to be seen, the weaker his supposedly strong resolve was becoming.
Eventually, a pleasant looking older lady behind the reception gave him her attention. ‘Hello there, sir, can I help you?’ Her smile, albeit fake, was wide.
Jason cleared his throat. ‘Oh…erm…yes. I…I’m looking for Doctor Oliver Halford. Could you tell me where I might find him?’
‘Oh, of course! Are you related to Doctor Halford? I must say you look awfully similar. Are you his younger brother perhaps?’ The rambling woman was overly familiar and made Jason feel even more uncomfortable. She fiddled with her hair in a flirty manner, and Jason suddenly felt his throat close up.
‘I…I…no…no. I’m not related… Could you tell me where I could find him, please?’
‘Gosh really? I must tell him he has a doppelgänger.’ She laughed. ‘Anyway, he’s in surgery right now, I can give you his office number perhaps? You can ask his secretary for an appointment. Or I can leave a message—’
‘N-no…that won’t be necessary, thank you.’ He suddenly felt very warm and a little dizzy. He dashed from the building and walked as fast as he could back to his hire car, dodging numerous people coming and going from the
building and gulping the fresh air into his lungs.
Sitting back in the driver’s seat, he breathed a huge sigh of relief, turned on the engine and followed the signs for the staff parking lot. He pulled up, parking out of sight of the security guard but ensuring he could see the hospital exit and opened the large bag of chips he had bought from the Walmart on the way to the hospital. The salt began to settle his stomach as he sat patiently waiting for a glimpse of the man who could make or break the next chapter of his life.
Sure enough after around thirty to forty minutes, a tall familiar looking man with greying hair strode with purpose from the hospital building. He had a huge smile on his face and was being accompanied by a curvy brunette in pink scrubs. Jason was momentarily distracted by how much the woman resembled Stevie and almost forgot his purpose for being there. He snapped his eyes back to the tall man who bore a more than striking resemblance to his own reflection and watched as he made his way over to a black four-wheel drive vehicle.
Seeing the man in the flesh was a huge shock. There was no doubt the man was his father. A cold shiver travelled down his spine as he continued to observe.
As the man climbed into his car, waved goodbye to his colleague, and pulled out of his parking spot, Jason made the rash and ridiculous decision to follow him. Feeling like a rather conspicuous, bizarre stalker-type, he waited until a couple of cars passed before pulling out and following the black car. Around thirty minutes later, they had passed through the towering, glass-covered buildings of the city centre and were in a very pretty residential area of large family homes. It was clearly a well-to-do area, but Jason would have expected nothing less judging by the man’s job. Staying as far away as possible without losing sight of the black four-wheel drive vehicle, he observed the man pulling into the driveway of an imposing white, wood framed building. The front door was painted a bright blue, and the lawn looked like a professional gardener had manicured it very recently.
Jason watched as the man, who was now whistling, entered his home and closed the door. Okay…so this is where my father lives. Okay…time to go to the door and knock. Yep…this is it. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel for a few moments trying to figure out what the hell he would say when he turned up to shock the hell out of the completely oblivious man. A thousand different greetings filtered through his mind as he sat there.
‘Hi, I’m your long lost son…’
‘Hey…do I look familiar to you? I do? Well, here’s why…’
‘Good afternoon, can I interest you in being my dad?’
Eventually, instead of approaching the house, he growled at himself for his cowardice, turned the car around, and drove away.
Back at the hotel, he set the bedside alarm clock and flopped onto the bed in his modern suite. The soothing palate of chocolate brown and cream went some way to calming the anger bubbling under the surface. You came all this way and couldn’t even knock on his fucking door. You’re a coward, just like Mick. His fists clenched by his sides. All he wanted to do was pick up the phone and call Stevie. Just to hear her voice and tell her all the crazy shit that had happened in the last week, to hear her tell him that everything would be fine. That she forgave him for running again. But he couldn’t do it. Not yet. Feeling physically exhausted and emotionally drained, he allowed himself the luxury of drifting into sleep, fully clothed and unwashed.
Several hours later, the alarm woke him from a restless sleep that had been filled with dreams of Stevie, his dead ‘father’, and the man he would hopefully be meeting later today—his birth father. This time, he would follow Oliver Halford home, and he would go to the door. This time, he wouldn’t chicken out. He showered and dressed in another shirt and cargo pants and ordered room service. When the food arrived, he almost vacuumed it from the plate, feeling quite surprised at the fervour of his appetite. The pancakes, bacon, and maple syrup were delicious, and he almost called down for seconds, but decided he was done procrastinating. He had questions that needed answers, and Dr. Oliver Halford was the only one equipped to give them to him.
The hospital was just as busy as the day before, and his nerves jangled once again as he made his way to the entrance. Hospitals made him nervous at the best of times. The smell of disinfectant assaulting his nostrils once again as soon as he walked through the automatic doors was enough to floor a rhino at fifty paces. Breathe through your mouth, Reynolds. Through your mouth. He repeated the mantra over and over, all the time willing his feet to move as his heart tried to vacate the building through his chest.
Walking over to the reception desk, he noticed that it was a different lady sitting there today, and after yesterday’s experience, he was thankful for small mercies. She appeared rather harassed. He approached her carefully as if she held a loaded gun.
She frowned at him suspiciously. ‘Can I help you, sir?’
‘Oh, sorry, yes. I was hoping to find out where Doctor Oliver Halford might be today.’
The smartly dressed blonde tapped at her keyboard and then glanced up at Jason. ‘I’m sorry but he isn’t working here today. If you check with his secretary she will—’
Jason held up his hands as he backed away. ‘That’s fine, don’t worry. Thank you.’
He left the hospital quickly, feeling relieved that he could breathe normally again, and went back to his car. After tapping the details into the rental cars built in GPS, he set out for the address near Sebago Lake where had followed Dr. Halford yesterday. Would he even be there? Was he working somewhere else? It was a chance he would have to take. Nervous energy coursed through his veins, and he chewed on the inside of his cheek until the metallic taste of blood stopped him from his actions.
Around thirty minutes later, Jason pulled up in front of the large, white, wooden framed house once again. A sprinkler system was dousing the neatly trimmed grass out front, meaning that someone must be home. The street was wide and all of the houses were individually designed. The space between each house could have fit another two or three homes. It was a very clean, neat, and tidy neighbourhood, and he felt sure that every person who owned property on this street must be lawyers, doctors, or some other profession that attracted a hefty income. Jason stared up at the house for what seemed like an age, trying to pluck up the courage to knock on the door.
Eventually and with no little trepidation, he climbed out of the hire car and made his way to the front door. He pressed the button for the doorbell and felt the immediate urge to turn and run. A few moments later, a man could be seen through the screen door drying his hands on a dishtowel as he walked towards him.
He squinted as he peered at Jason and opened the door. ‘Hello there, can I help you?’ The man’s accent was almost American but with a slight hint of English.
Jason took a deep calming breath. ‘Erm…Oliver Halford?’
The man frowned. ‘That’s me. I’m sorry. Do I know you?’
‘Erm…no…but…I think…I think that you’re my dad.’
Chapter Four
The man’s eyes widened, and he opened and closed his mouth several times like a dying goldfish. Jason felt very uncomfortable standing on the porch whilst the man was evidently trying to make sense of what he was saying.
Oliver Halford shook his head. ‘I’m…I’m sorry but I think you must be mistaken. I…I’ve never seen you before…I—’
‘Shirley Duffy was my mother. You and she were—’
The man closed his eyes at the mention of her name. ‘Yes, I know very well who Shirley Duffy is, but she and I never… I mean…we split up. We were together once, but we never married.’
‘Please, can I come in? I have something to show you, and I think it best if we don’t do this out here on your porch.’
The man eyed him suspiciously for a moment before he nodded his acquiescence and held the door open for Jason. He walked through the hallway and stopped in the living room with Jason following close behind. Oliver threw the dishtowel onto the couch and rested his hands on his hips. �
��Okay. Who are you? And what the hell are you doing turning up at my home out of the blue like this?’
He cleared his throat. ‘I'm Jason…Jason Reynolds.’
‘And what do you want with me, Jason Reynolds?’
‘I...I erm...’ Adrenaline coursed through his veins and he suddenly felt light headed. He tugged at the neckline of his shirt and scrunched his brow.
Oliver stepped towards him and Jason caught a fleeting glimpse of concern in his expression. ‘Can I get you a drink of water?’
Jason swallowed, his throat closing tighter as the moisture seemed to be sucked from his body. ‘Water would be good, thank you,’ he croaked.
The man nodded stiffly and walked towards the back of the house. He came back through to the lounge a few minutes later with two glasses of iced water and handed one to Jason, who gulped down the much-needed refreshment. His mouth had begun to feel like an arid desert floor thanks to the nerves standing on edge throughout his tensed up body.
Oliver gestured for Jason to sit and took the seat opposite him before placing his drink on the glass coffee table. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and steepled his fingers. ‘Okay…Jason…I think perhaps you need to explain who you are and what brought you to my home, which judging by your accent is far away from your own.’
Jason took out the letter and photograph of the eighteen-year-old Oliver and handed them to him along with a photo of himself, aged eighteen for comparison. ‘First of all, I think you need to read this.’
He watched as Oliver read the letter. The colour drained from the man’s face, and his eyes became glassy. His lip quivered as he glanced at the photograph and then at Jason, remaining silent the whole time. After blowing out a long shaking breath, Oliver handed the letter and photo back to Jason and rubbed his hands over his face. ‘I’m so very sorry… I can’t deal with this right now. Please excuse me.’ He appeared to be in a daze as he stood and walked out of the room.
Reasons to Stay Page 3