by B. B. Hamel
We fell into a moment of comfortable silence. I could tell there was something going on, but I knew Jim well enough not to press. He would come out and say it eventually.
“So, I wanted to tell you something, Amy.” He looked at me and his expression was serious. I wasn’t used to serious Jim, but there was something older about it, something more self assured and mature. He looked less boyish, and more like the man I imagined he would become.
“Alright, what’s going on? Is your family okay?”
He shook his head. “No, it’s nothing like that.”
“Just spit it out, you’re making me nervous.”
“It’s just that, well, Swirl hasn’t been the same without you. I’ve really missed you.” He looked away from me.
“I miss you guys too. Working for the man is tough,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“It’s not just that. I don’t know how to say it. Ever since you started working at Swirl, I haven’t been able to think of anything else. Then we got close over your time there, and I think you’re the only person who really knows me. Then you left, and I realized something.”
It hit me like a sledgehammer. I had a pretty good idea of what he was about to say, and my entire body tensed. He looked back at me and his eyes were deep and something passionate burned behind them.
“I’m in love with you, Amy. I have been for a while, I think. It took you leaving for me to really realize it. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Silence hung between us. I was shocked, but I shouldn’t have been. Everybody said Jim had feelings for me, but I guess I never took it seriously. He was a cute band kid; he played shows for screaming indie chicks all the time. Why would he have any interest in a boring normal like me? There are plenty of chicks with tattoos who would have loved to be with him.
“Jim....” I said, totally at a loss. How could I hurt someone I cared about?
“I know this is coming out of nowhere. And you don’t need to respond. It’s just, you get me, Amy. You always have. You’re funny and brilliant and way too fucking sexy, and the worst part is you don’t even realize it.”
I could feel myself spiraling out of control. As he spoke, all the hours we spent together working closely, talking about our lives, came back to me. He was one of the few people to encourage me in the beginning. When most of my college friends disappeared from my life, he was there for me. Darcy was great, but she wasn’t around every day to listen like Jim was. He was the most stable person in my life since I moved to Philadelphia, and I realized how important he had been. Without a friend like Jim, figuring out how to live in a new city, completely on my own, would have been so much harder.
“I don’t know what to say,” I managed.
He shifted closer to me, and I was suddenly intensely aware of my short dress, and of the boyish slant of his jaw, and the deep pools of his eyes.
“You don’t need to say anything. I didn’t come here for you to give me something. I just needed you to know, before you disappeared completely, how I felt. That I’m thinking about you.”
I had the sudden urge to take his hand. I wanted to hold him and thank him for everything he did for me. For being there when I was lost and lonely in this city, drowning in student debt, working late nights for no pay, and barely making ends meet. I wanted to thank him for being the best person in my life. I wanted to reach out and kiss him, but I knew he wouldn’t understand.
I couldn’t do any of that, and I didn’t. It wouldn’t have been fair. Because I didn’t love him, and I never would love him, and I think we both knew that. Shane spiraled through my mind. I knew that if I disappeared from Jim’s life, it would be a kind of mercy.
Jim looked at me in silence for another moment, then shifted his body away, and stood.
“Wait, you don’t have to go right now. If you don’t want to,” I said.
“I should probably get going. I said what I wanted to say.”
I stood up. “Look, you’re an important person to me. I don’t want to lose you from my life. I don’t want to disappear.”
His face was grim. “But you don’t feel the same way.”
How was I supposed to respond to that? How was I supposed to break this good guy’s heart? And in that moment, I realized the only thing I could give him was honesty, for his sake and for mine. I owed him that small kindness at least.
“I don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry. You’re an amazing guy, and you’ll find someone eventually, but that someone isn’t me.”
He hung his head. I felt like part of me was breaking in half.
“Yeah, I understand.” He moved toward the door, and I wanted to ask him to stay, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I had to be strong, for both our sakes. “See you later, Amy. Good luck with your new job.”
“Bye, Jim.” He opened the door and was gone.
I sat back down on the arm of the couch and wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t really sad. I knew my life had changed. I was in a completely new realm now, and I was leaving the old world behind. There was no going back anymore.
19.
The car came for me an hour later. The driver took my suitcase and loaded it into the trunk, then took me out to Shane’s house. The driver then carried my suitcase to the top of the stoop and rang the bell for me. I wasn’t used to someone treating me like that, but he smiled and nodded, almost as if he could sense my discomfort. I realized I was struggling to fit into Shane’s lifestyle, which was vastly different from my own. I grew up with little, and lived on less for a long time. Now, I was dating a billionaire, and I had to get used to the luxury that he could provide me.
Shane answered the door, and a huge smile broke across his face. When I saw him and his flint grey eyes, his chiseled jaw and beautiful body, all of my doubt disappeared. I knew I made the right decision with Jim, and I knew Jim would be fine. I knew I would be fine, too.
He took my bags and we went inside. He was about to speak, but I felt something push to the surface inside of me, and I pressed my body against his and kissed him deeply. I felt his soft lips part and his tongue enter mine. I ran my hands down his chest and felt his muscles under his thin cotton t-shirt. We hadn’t spoken yet, and I didn’t want to speak. He steered me into a room off the corridor. It was a formal dining room, and a huge antique wood table, heavy and sturdy, dominated the space.
I ran my hands from his chest toward his cock and felt its length through his jeans. It grew under my pressure and stiffened as I rubbed up and down its length. He let out a small groan and pulled the back of my dress up over my ass. His hands grabbed my hips and he steered me toward the table, lifted me up, and put me sitting down on the tabletop.
I wrapped my legs around him and kept working his stiff length through his jeans. He kissed my neck and pushed the straps of my dress off my shoulders and unzipped its back. I could feel myself grow wet as his lips moved down toward my chest and over my exposed bra. He moved away and I felt his cock leave my hands as he dropped onto his knees. I let out a small moan of anticipation as his lips touched my inner thigh and he slid my black panties down my legs.
The cold tabletop felt good under my skin, and his lips found my tingling skin. I spread my legs, and he lifted one up to place my foot flat on the table. His strong hands pulled my hips forward, closer to the edge of the table. His tongue and lips found my swollen clit and worked around it gently. I arched my back, waves of pleasure washing over me, and every ounce of stress and doubt left my body as his tongue and lips worked my soaking body. I felt his tongue slip inside me then run back up to my clit. As he worked it with his tongue, alternating soft and hard, I felt one of his fingers slip deep inside of me. I moaned and laid back as he continued to lick and suck. I felt my body stiffen and convulse as wave after wave of tingling pleasure filled me and moved up my body.
When I drew near to orgasm, I felt him stop and stand up. I propped myself up on one elbow and watched him undo his jeans and pull them down. His beautiful cock
was straight and hard, and I loved staring at its girth and length emerge from his underwear, ready to take me. I shifted my body and turned onto my stomach as he pulled his jeans off his feet. When he finished, I took the base of his stiff rod, and I opened my mouth. I took his hard cock in my moist mouth, and he let out a deep growl.
Laying on my stomach on the tabletop, I took as much of him inside my mouth as I could. I ran my tongue along the base of his shaft and tasted his warm salty sweat, and savored every flavor of him. He ran his hands through my hair softly, pulling it back from my face. I used my hands on the edge of the table to give myself leverage as I opened my throat and took as much of him as I could. I felt him stiffen as he slid down my throat. He let out a groan and I felt the pressure from his fingers in my hair increase, small pleasures and pains mingling.
“God yes, take my cock,” he whispered, and I tried to swallow as much of him as I could. I pulled back and his cock left my throat and mouth trailing saliva. I took his slippery shaft in my hand, and caught my breath. I ran my hand up and down his length and looked at my saliva drop off of his tip, savoring the thickness of him.
He shifted his hips back and rolled me over again, onto my back. I opened my mouth for his cock, and he pressed his tip into my lips as he reached forward to run his calloused fingers against my soaked clit. I moaned with his cock in my mouth and he slowly moved his hips and fingers in tandem, fucking my mouth and rubbing my juices against my swollen mound. Between the taste of his thick root and his fingers on my clit, I was writhing and moaning in ecstasy. I took as much of his cock as he wanted, and felt it slide into my throat as his fingers rubbed circles around my clit. Pleasure and pain mingled through my body, and before I could run out of breath, I pushed his hips back. His cock left my mouth with a small pop.
“I love that, your mouth around my cock,” he whispered as I turned myself around, sitting up on my hands, with my legs spread wide open on the table top. He bent over toward his jeans, ripped something open, and rolled the cover onto his cock. My body was vibrating with anticipation and need, and those short moments always built up my desire for his body. He turned back toward me, wrapped his arms under my legs, pulled my hips up to the edge of the table and toward him, then pushed his length inside of me.
I let out a small gasp as he filled me. I took every inch of him, and he filled me completely. Every time I felt him inside me, I was shocked at how much of his cock I could take. His girth was a ring of pleasure inside my body, and he thrust himself deeper. He let go of my legs and leaned over me. He kissed my mouth and neck as he moved slowly and deeply inside of me. He ran his mouth down my neck and licked my breasts and nipples.
“You have such a perfect body,” he said quietly, voice husky with pleasure. I let out a small gasp in response as he thrust harder into me, and waves rolled up my spine. He stood back and grabbed my legs again as he started to thrust and push harder and deeper into me. I reached down and grabbed the edge of the table as he rocked deeper and harder. I bucked my hips back against him, our rhythms matching. He grunted and groaned as he filled me more and more, and I rocked against the tabletop as his hips hit against my body.
I felt his one arm release my leg. He reached his thumb up and moistened it in his mouth, then rubbed it against my clit as he continued to thrust inside me. “Just like that,” I groaned at him, and the intensity of his thrusts increased in response. His thumb was the perfect pressure against my swollen hood, and he rubbed gently but firmly my clit as he continued to press himself inside of me. I felt the pleasure building along my lower body again, and it began to climb up my spine.
My fingers turned white as I grasped the table. His thrusting peaked, and my back arched as the pleasure reached my chest. I could feel myself getting close, and I looked at him expectantly.
“Come on my big hard cock,” he said, which made me double in ecstasy. “You have my permission.” My body convulsed as the waves of pleasure hit me hard. I couldn’t help but moan loud, my voice filling the room, and I could feel his cock get harder and his thrusts get faster. As my orgasm reached its peak, I felt his cock stiffen, and his hand tighten around my leg as he began to come. My orgasm peaked and started to level off as he grunted his cum deep inside of me. He pressed himself deep into me, and slid himself out, slowly but strong, as the last of his orgasm faded as well.
I laid back on the table, exhausted. My entire body tingled, my lips and cheeks were numb, and I felt close to passing out from the pleasure. It was one of the strongest orgasms of my life, and it was all I could do to remain conscious. I was lightheaded and dizzy from the exertion and joy. He pulled out of me, and leaned his back against the table, breathing deep and sweating. The smell of sweet cum and our bodies filled the room, and I savored his muscled form, the beads of sweat rolling down his ripped back.
I was floating on a cloud of post-sex glow as we dressed again. I pulled my panties back on, although they were soaked through and useless. He discarded the condom, and pulled on his jeans, without underwear.
“I feel so greedy for you,” I said to him, sitting on the edge of the table and watching him dress. I let my eyes roam around his perfect frame for what felt like the hundredth time, but I couldn’t get enough of him. Every motion he made brought out something new in him that I hadn’t noticed before, and I felt drunk on every inch of his body. Even satisfied and satiated for the moment, I couldn’t help but want to touch him and explore the movements and folds of his skin. He looked up at me and smiled.
“Is it greed if I want to give it to you though?” He pressed himself between my legs and kissed me long and deep. When we parted, my head was swimming all over again.
“Come on, let’s get something to eat,” he said. “We need to fuel up.”
I laughed. “Oh and why’s that? Got some big plans?”
He grinned at me. “You have to make up for all the time you wasted back at your apartment.”
“Yes sir, Mr. Green.” I hopped off the table and followed him into his kitchen. It occurred to me that I might have just had an orgasm on a table older than the both of us combined.
I watched Shane open the refrigerator from my seat at the island. He was making a simple salad for the two of us to split, and I suddenly felt a pang of jealousy. His easy motions, his innate grace, and the way he handled himself and his tools with precision were things of beauty. I wanted to match him, but he was unmatchable. Nothing I knew about him compared to how he actually lived, his rigor and gentleness. He was the most passionate person I had ever met, but also the most aloof and joyful. What I had initially mistaken for intense structure was actually his mastery of the world around him. The rules he made me follow weren’t arbitrary things, but important ideas that sustained our connection. When I was near him, caught in the pull of his heavy gravity, life was easier, and my own body felt light and constructed out of air.
I remembered Jim, sitting in my apartment, confessing his love for me, and I knew for certain then how I felt about Shane. It was nothing like the way Jim felt for me. It wasn’t the kind of aching need that could be forgotten or ignored, or even missed. It was a burning, powerful thing, and like all powerful things, it was mindless and blameless. It came from somewhere else and took me directly to Shane and his body. There was nothing left but to submit to its whims. I wanted to be a part of him, not of his life, but of his existence.
“I need to tell you something,” I said, unsure of myself.
Shane was chopping a purple onion with smooth, practiced strokes, his left hand guiding the knife. “What’s up?”
I let out a sigh. “Jim came to my apartment earlier.”
He paused and looked up. “Your old manager, Jim?”
“My old friend, Jim. Yeah.”
He put his knife down and I felt his attention palpably shift focus from making me food to listening to my words. It was like a spotlight running over a field to illuminate a new thing.
“How’s he doing?”
“He told
me he loves me.”
Shane didn’t respond at first. I could tell he was wrestling with something, but I had no idea what. After a short silence, he said, “And what did you say?”
“I let him down as gently as I could. What else could I say?”
Relief spilled over his face, which confused me.
“Wait, what were you just thinking?” I asked.
“I’m older than you are,” he said softly. “Our life together is difficult. Living a secret takes a toll on a person. And I understand you knew him before me, before my company bought your app. You told me he was around for you back then. I thought you maybe needed something easier, with someone more your age.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. Shane Green was uncertain of how I felt?
“I don’t want anyone but you, Shane. I don’t want something easier.”
His smile seemed sad. “I’m glad you feel that way. But I would understand if you didn’t.”
“I can’t believe you’d think for a second I’d want to be with Jim over you!”
“People make bad choices all the time,” he joked. The sadness softened and disappeared.
“Yeah, and maybe I’m making one now. Maybe I’ll have to withhold sex from you as a punishment for not believing in me.”
His face dropped into mock horror. “Withhold sex from me? That’s cruel and unusual.”
“I don’t know, the punishment fits the crime.”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” he said, laughing. He shifted back to the food, and resumed chopping.
“Sure it does. At least I think it does, which is all that matters.”
He laughed again, and whatever weight was leftover in my body from Jim’s admission earlier was completely gone. There was only Shane, and his intense focus, bringing me back into the world.
20.
We spent the rest of the week that way, in a slow rhythm of ups and downs. We got to know every inch of each other’s body. He continued to stay away from his family life, but he did tell me about his early days at the University of Pennsylvania, how he went on an academic scholarship and never looked back. He talked about how he founded Adstringo one day in his dorm room, when he came up with an advanced advertisement algorithm before anybody else was thinking about ad placement. He talked about growing his company, but still retaining strict control, and how they pivoted in more recent years into a multi-national media conglomerate.