“I feel like I let everyone down-”
Kyle held up a hand firmly. “Let’s stop right there. We’re not going down that route. That loss wasn’t just your fault. It was all of us. We’re a team of 11, not 1.”
Cade rolled his eyes, but Kyle could see the tension leaving his body. The fact that Cade had even doubted, for a second, that Kyle might blame him was baffling. He wondered suddenly if they both didn’t trust each other in the most fundamental way, in that all-important way, the thing that differentiated between love and lust.
He felt emotion rising and took a deep breath. The black hole was beckoning again, threatening to suck him under. He fought hard to regain calm, to focus on the conversation. He concentrated on Cade but he could feel the edges of his vision begin to blur.
And Cade knew, he could feel the shift, even before he could even see the water rising in Kyle’s eyes. He moved forward, sitting next to him on the couch, but not as close as he would have sat just a few weeks back. He placed a hand on Kyle’s back. This time, Kyle let the touch happen, didn’t flinch.
Seemingly gaining confidence, Cade’s hand began to rub gently up and down. Kyle took a sudden shuddering breath and, to his horror, the emotion of the previous weeks rose in a huge wave inside his chest.
He hadn’t cried all these days, not once. Not since Mason had left him that text had he even shed a tear, or choked up. But now it was as if a single touch from Cade ruptured a dam and he felt panicked, afraid of what was going to come through.
Cade moved closer. Kyle could feel his warmth against the side of his body, emanating through his clothes. They were still not quite touching, but it was a distance of only a breath. Kyle closed his eyes, willing his emotions to go away, but it was too much and he heaved a huge hiccupping breath, burying his face in his hands.
Cade’s arm was closing hard around his shoulders and, blindly, Kyle turned into him. He buried his face against Cade’s chest and felt the grief of all that loss again, just as painful as before. He needed Cade’s warmth a little more, so he closed his eyes and burrowed deeper in Cade’s embrace, wondering when he would next be able to enjoy this.
When Kyle felt Cade’s lips gently grazing his forehead, he leaned back, pushing against Cade’s chest. “No, no.”
Cade let go immediately, but his eyes were intense. “I was just-”
Kyle shook his head. He shifted further away from Cade. “You can’t just come back and kiss me. Things just don’t go back to the way they were.”
“I’m sorry,” Cade said, clearly frustrated, running his hands through his hair. “Please, Kyle. Please give me a second chance.” He reached out to touch Kyle, but Kyle leaned away, wary.
Cade’s face tightened, but he said nothing. “I can’t, Cade. Honestly, I’m just really tired. I wish-”
Cade leaned forward. “What?”
Kyle looked at him, eyes suddenly heavy. He wanted to sleep. He didn’t want to deal with Cade anymore. “I wish you would go. I just want to go to bed.”
Cade looked stricken. A part of Kyle knew it was because Cade had come here fully expecting to kiss and make up, that he took Kyle for granted, that Kyle making a stand was a surprise to him.
The thought was irritating, but he also knew he was to blame. He had let it happen. He had allowed himself to become this person who let Cade to do as he liked, to walk all over him, to simply crook a finger and beckon Kyle, who’d run over like a lapdog.
He had let Cade take advantage of him. He had let Cade disrespect him in a way that both of them had probably never even noticed. And he was done with it.
“Kyle, please,” Cade whispered. “Can’t I stay here tonight?”
Kyle shook his head. “I don’t want you here. Please just go.” He could feel Cade staring at his bowed head. He wished Cade would just leave. He was so tired.
“Can I come back tomorrow?”
Kyle lifted his head with effort. “Why?” he said tiredly.
“I just want to talk, please. I need to talk to you,” Cade said quietly.
Kyle leaned his head against the back of the couch and felt his eyes almost sliding shut. He nodded slightly. “Okay. I’ll tell you when to come over.”
Cade nodded, his eyes holding a new wariness and respect that Kyle had never seen before. He liked it. “Will you let yourself out?”
It was a dismissal. Cade stood, still staring. He lingered for a second, as if expecting Kyle to call him back, but Kyle just turned his head away, staring at the crackling fireplace opposite him. The splitting logs were soothing, and he didn’t say anything else as Cade walked out.
When he heard the faint click of the front door closing, he closed his eyes, relief flooding him. He closed his eyes again and slid effortlessly into sleep.
***
When Kyle woke the next morning, he laid there for a long while, enjoying the peace. He missed Jack terribly. He hadn’t spoken to him properly in days, weeks.
He took a deep breath and grabbed his phone. He dialed Francesca - his ex - hoping she was awake. She picked up on the second ring, sounding hurried. “Hey, Kyle!”
“Hey, Francesca. How are you?” Their conversations were always polite, if a little stilted.
She ended the small talk fairly quickly, passing the phone to Jack. Jack was very determined to inform Kyle that he’d had a slight fever the previous night. He proceeded to tell the story of the doctor’s appointment with so much excitement that Kyle smiled, his heart squeezing with affection. He made the appropriate noises of wonder and disbelief, clucking his tongue in sympathy.
Jack talked for only a few minutes before losing interest and wandering off. Kyle made Francesca put him on speaker phone but Jack’s favorite show was on and his interest could not be piqued. Kyle said his goodbyes and hung up, smiling.
He felt better and calmer already. If he could handle not being with his son all the time, he could definitely handle Cade.
He sighed. He’d agreed to let Cade come over today. He wished there was a rule that banned people from making decisions when they were sleepy.
He rose slowly and his phone chirped. Glancing at it, he saw it was Cade. Unable to help himself, Kyle smiled. He couldn’t remember the last time Cade had woken up this early on vacation.
Morning :) when can I come over?
Kyle laughed out loud. Emojis? He didn’t think he’d ever seen Cade using one. It felt good Cade was trying this hard. He tossed the phone aside without replying. Let Cade wait a bit. Padding to the bathroom, he was surprised by another chirp. He glanced over his shoulder. He could see the words shimmering on the lock screen of his phone: Cade.
Another text in less than a minute? Smiling uncontrollably, Kyle made his way into the bathroom. He finished his morning ablutions quickly, but the solitude reminded him again of what had happened between them. He felt himself feeling that familiar sadness again.
Shaking his head, he forced himself to stop. He was so tired of being sad, so tired of it. Wallowing wasn’t going to help anyone, least of all him. It still hurt, like a wound that was exposed and rubbed with salt, but, damn it, he was done being sad.
He emerged from the bathroom steamy and fresh, plopped on the bed, and opened Cade’s text.
Did you sleep well? :)
Kyle tried hard not to smile, but it was a visceral response. Leaning against a pillow, he typed back.
You can come by after lunch.
He started scrolling through his emails, but Cade replied to his text immediately.
Not before? :( please?
Kyle maintained a stern face. He tapped out a reply.
I’m busy.
This time, he didn’t bother opening up his emails again because, sure enough, another text appeared in his inbox within a minute.
:( okay. Can’t wait to see you.
Kyle felt a flutter in his chest, but tossed the phone aside. He wasn’t going to reply to that. Cade deserved to suffer a little. But he seemed to underestimate Cade. His phon
e chirped again.
You didn’t reply to my question.
Which?
Whether you slept well. :)
I did.
Good :)
Kyle shook his head. This was a bad idea. His heart was already softening and, although it was flattering to have Cade be so attentive and doing something he hated to do (texting), he knew that how he felt hadn’t changed. He still didn’t trust Cade and that was no way to carry on a relationship. Or rather… a something.
He firmly put his phone away and shuffled downstairs, deciding to have some coffee and wake himself up. He couldn’t help himself from pulling his phone out after a few minutes and rereading their conversation. And, for the first time in a few weeks, Kyle grinned freely.
***
By the time Cade came over, Kyle had calmed down. He opened the door to find Cade in a plain white T-shirt stretching tightly over his chest and knee-length denim shorts. He looked mouth-watering. He smelled good, too. Of his familiar soap and shampoo. Kyle stepped aside without murmuring a greeting, keeping his face impassive.
Cade was standing inappropriately close and there was a particular glint in his eye that Kyle could recognize. It was when he looked at a goal, when he saw his way to it, when he knew he was going to score.
It was incredibly sexy, of course, but it was also irritating. Did he think he was going to score here?
Frowning to himself, more turned off by this than anything else, Kyle led them into the kitchen. This time, Cade went to the fridge and helped himself to some milk, looking at Kyle as he drank from his glass.
Kyle felt truly irritated now. Shouldn’t the person apologizing be somewhat humble? Perhaps appear meek and respectful?
Cade seemed cocky, almost swaggering around the kitchen, completely unlike his texts in the morning. Kyle wondered what the hell had happened in the hours in between, but damned if he was going to ask. He eyed Cade irritably, deeply regretting allowing him to come over.
Cade sat down at the breakfast counter and smiled at Kyle. Kyle felt like throttling him.
“So,” Kyle said coldly, pointedly.
Cade tilted his head, still smiling. “So.”
Kyle wished he could throw something at Cade’s head. He looked longingly at the vase of flowers next to him.
Cade seemed to sense this. “I wanted to talk to you, Kyle. About us.”
Kyle glanced at him, ready to snap, but he saw Cade was serious now, eyes fixed warmly on Kyle’s face. Caught slightly off guard, Kyle tensed. “I don’t know what there really is to say.”
“Why don’t you sit?” Cade said, nodding his chin to one of the stools opposite him.
Kyle automatically moved towards the seat, but he caught himself. He didn’t have to do everything Cade said.
But this seemed a silly thing to take a stand on.
He shook his head at his thoughts, wondering if they were drifting slightly towards neurotic. He made his way to the stool, plopping down, avoiding Cade’s eyes.
“I made a mess of things yesterday,” Cade started, letting out a long breath. He huffed a breath of soft laughter. “Actually, I’ve been making a lot of messes lately.”
“Where did you sleep last night?”
Surprised, Cade stared. “At a hotel.”
Kyle nodded. “Sorry, go on.”
Cade cleared his voice. “Right. Well. Like I was saying, I didn’t handle things the right away. I’m sorry, truly sorry about what I did. I was completely wrong. There are no excuses. I should have called. I should have come to meet you. I was a bad boyfriend.”
Kyle jerked. Cade noticed and flushed. “Sorry. I- I don’t know what else to call you. So I used to call you my boyfriend in my head. Is- is that okay?”
Kyle nodded, tongue-tied. Boyfriend. The thought had never even occurred to him and here Cade had secretly been thinking that way about him all this time. But if he’d been thinking of Kyle as his boyfriend and he’d still not even bothered to contact him- well, that just made things so much worse.
Kyle felt his chest tighten and tried to concentrate on the conversation.
“I want a second chance. Please. Please, Kyle. I’ll do anything.” Cade’s face was earnest and he was leaning forward, eyes warm.
Kyle shook his head. “I don’t know, Cade…”
“Can you just do one thing for me? Can I just take you on a date?”
Kyle’s cheeks reddened and his only solace was that Cade looked pretty embarrassed too. “What?”
“Like a proper date. Dressed up. Dinner and a movie. Or whatever you want. We can do anything.”
Kyle looked at Cade wonderingly. Of course he’d dreamed of a date with Cade. But Cade was so uninterested in romantic gestures, so into living simply that Kyle had thought Cade would never ever want to go on a real date with him.
Not without being coerced, of course.
“We can’t. People will talk.”
Cade leaned forward, talking quickly. “I’ve thought it through. We’ll do it here at your place. No one will know. You have a theatre. And I’ll take care of the food. What do you say?”
Kyle was amazed. Had Cade ever planned a single thing in his whole damn life? Kyle certainly couldn’t ever remember another time.
Cade seemed to sense that Kyle was wavering because he kept talking. “You don’t have to do anything. I want to do this for you. I’ll take care of everything. You just have to get dressed and I’ll handle everything.”
“Wait.” Kyle was starting to feel overwhelmed by this Cade, this Cade who apparently could suddenly take over events like dates. “When do you want to do this?”
“Tomorrow night.”
Kyle stared at Cade. He had gone through the worst these past two weeks and he was putting it all aside for Kyle. He felt a sudden rush of guilt.
“Cade- Cade, are you okay?” he asked falteringly.
Cade looked tense. He smiled slightly. “It is what it is. I have to move on.”
Kyle felt a wave of admiration for him. How strong did Cade have to be to be able to rally this way, to be able to shoulder an entire world’s criticism and not buckle under?
“Why don’t we just postpone it to another time?”
Cade shook his head. “I have to go back to Versca soon. It’s now or never. And I want to forget, Kyle,” he said quietly.
“It wasn’t your fault, Cade.”
Cade smiled at that. “I know. You don’t-”
“I do,” Kyle interrupted. “I do. I want you to know that I’ll support you no matter what. You didn’t cause that… that. You did everything you could, but- it didn’t work. You’re still the best for me.”
There was something very soft in Cade’s eyes. “I know. I know, Kyle. Thank you.” He paused, then smiled. “Now say yes. I want to take you on a date.”
“I haven’t agreed to getting back with you,” Kyle warned. “It doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly be with you again.”
Cade smiled wider. “I know. Just say you’ll go on a date with me, say yes.”
Kyle couldn’t help it. He smiled. “Yes.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Kyle had forgotten how good it was to laugh. Cade was in a surprisingly chipper mood and he chattered on and on. For once, Kyle took a backseat. He watched Cade instead, watched him be his most entertaining self, watched him coax laugh after laugh from Kyle.
The food was delicious, of course. But Kyle hadn’t expected anything less. And that was the easy part of the night, anyway. It wasn’t as if Cade had cooked it himself, he could hire any chef he wanted. No, that wasn’t impressive on its own. But it was a nice bonus.
Kyle noticed that Cade kept refilling his wine glass whenever it was even half-empty. It made him smile, but he didn’t care because he wanted to forget. He wanted to be happy. And this was what he wanted.
Cade was what he wanted.
Cade had dressed to perfection that night, wearing a tight black button-down shirt and cream pants. He looked delicious
and it was only adding to the night. His hair was slicked back and fresh.
Kyle found himself falling quiet, almost mesmerized. He was still happy, but he felt he’d rather watch Cade try to please him - that in itself was the most seductive thing. It was surprisingly freeing to be courted rather than the other way around.
Cade was his most charming self, warm and funny and attentive. He was always those things, but this time he wasn’t being lazy. He was taking charge. Kyle watched with interest. He felt himself softening, but he didn’t care, because he was giving himself a pass tonight.
He’d made the decision not long after he agreed to the date. He’d decided to be happy, to really enjoy Cade, to really enjoy this night. It wasn’t everyone who got Cade to themselves, and he wasn’t going to cut off his nose to spite his face.
So he put his anger aside and he let Cade seduce him.
Just for tonight.
And it was a seduction. Cade was so dazzling that Kyle couldn’t take his eyes off him. Oddly it wasn’t because he looked so amazing, but because Cade’s eyes never left Kyle’s, that his attention never wandered, that he was always smiling, always touching him.
After the meal was over, Kyle stood up to find his head pleasantly swimming. He’d had more wine than he’d ought to. And perhaps Cade had intoxicated him a little too, because he wouldn’t stop smiling. They’d originally planned to watch a movie, but Kyle shook his head.
He didn’t want to stop looking at Cade.
They adjourned to the living room and Cade waved him to the couch before starting the fire. Kyle leaned back, his eyelids heavy with contentment and slight languor. When Cade straightened and faced him, Kyle felt a powerful urge sweep through him. He wanted Cade.
The sexual tension had come back tonight. Cade had ensured it. He had touched Kyle so many times, stoking a fire Kyle had thought was dead and gone. And now Kyle looked at Cade and he felt himself getting tired with struggling, struggling to always do the right thing, always trying to stay away from Cade, always being unhappy and alone.
Cade came and sat next to Kyle on the couch and they were quiet for a little while. Cade handed Kyle a glass of wine and Kyle suppressed a grin. Cade’s eyes were sparkling, his cheeks slightly flushed with wine. But he was smiling and his eyes were intent.
Unfair Game: A Gay Sports Romance Novel Page 15