by Lotta Smith
He went on, turning to me. “And the little angel happened to be Jackie, your guardian angel.”
“Jackie! Where are you?” I asked, looking around for my ghost friend.
“I’m here!” The ghost of a drag queen popped up from out of nowhere. She was clad in a bejeweled and speckled off-the-shoulder blouse in metallic blue, a pair of white hot pants, and white sandals with sky-high heels. Her signature necklace that screamed FESTIVE gleamed at her neckline.
In the meanwhile, Rick was still attempting to grab the haunted ring off Alice’s body, but Brian stopped him.
“Easy, Rowling. You don’t want to go extreme and risk your sweet mama’s well-being,” Brian said.
“She happens to be my biological mother, but I don’t know about sweetness,” Rick corrected the exorcist.
“Anyway, I’m thrilled about the chance to meet your biological mother. Jackie offered me this rare opportunity to witness someone driving you nuts, not the other way around.” Brian flashed an ear-to-ear smile, prompting Rick to grimace.
“Jackie, I’m so glad you helped Brian find us. Thank you so much!” I said, and I meant it.
“Of course I brought him to you. I’m your guardian angel, remember?” Jackie bounced, dancing. She glanced at the SUV smashed into the brownstone, then at me. “Are you all right, Mandy? Your skirt already looks like a goner, and look at your purse! You should have brought something less pretty with more durability, such as a backpack, which could have functioned as a cushion as well in case of mishaps. Oh, don’t tell me you weren’t expecting calamities. I can’t believe you chose fashion over your protection while touring the city in hopes of milking some information from the lying, evil subordinate of the super-malevolent haunted ring.” She pointed at Marion—who was still occupying Alice’s body—with her index finger.
“What did you just say? You rude buffoon!” Marion’s hair stood on end as she hissed at Jackie. “I can destroy a newly dead lowlife like you in a moment!” she shrieked.
“Excuse me? Just because you’re old doesn’t entitle you to treat others like garbage!” Jackie snapped. Just like Marion, her hair was standing on end. “Oh, did I mention I’m a tough chick, Grandma?”
“Say that again! I will definitely kill you!” Arms flapping, Marion yelled at Jackie, using the most unladylike words.
“Meow,” Brian muttered, watching the verbal duel between the ghost possessing Rick’s mother and the ghost of a drag queen, but the bystanders gathering around the crash scene were growing more and more curious about the fighting ghosts. Or rather a crazy lady, sporting huge barbecue sauce stains on her dress, threatening something, or someone—her invisible enemy, maybe?—in midair.
“Take it!” As Marion shrilled, a gust of strong wind sent her already sticking-up hair soaring, prompting the spectators to cover their faces, gasping and muttering questions about the sudden breeze.
“Ha! I didn’t die yesterday. I can do the exact same thing to you!” Jackie declared and caused additional blasts, which blew up her blouse, exposing her toned midriff. “Yow!” she yelped, pulling her clothes down.
“Stand back, Jackie,” Brian warned and stepped ahead. In one hand, he was holding a metal crosier that looked like a magic wand with little bells. As he shook it, clear metallic sounds resonated in the air. He looked like an exorcist version of a trigger-happy Mafioso.
Then I recalled I still needed Marion, despite her annoying personality, the curse, and everything.
“Wait a minute!” I spoke up. I felt the crowd of people curiously glancing at us, obviously listening carefully so they wouldn’t miss anything. I scurried to him and stage-whispered, “Seriously, Marion happens to be the only witness to a case. Besides, it’ll be extremely difficult to find Mrs. Miller’s home without the ghost’s help.”
“Hmm…,” he groaned, looking at Rick, who said, “Do what Mandy says,” and then Brian lowered the metal wand, quite reluctantly.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Still, that doesn’t change the fact that she’s an accessory to an evil spirit,” he said.
“I know.” I nodded. “Considering I was the only one getting auditory hallucinations, I was guessing the same thing.”
“Oh really?” Marion raised Alice’s eyebrows. “Perhaps you’re not as dense as you appear in the first place.”
“Excuse me?” Jackie demanded. “You were aware of her evilness, and still you’ve been tagging along with her? Seriously, Mandy, you have to learn how to keep yourself out of danger.”
“I’m learning,” I said.
“You’re learning to what?” Rick asked.
“To keep myself out of danger.”
“Oh, you have to work harder,” Rick said, letting out a deep sigh. “Mandy, are you still thinking about signing the exclusive contract with the feds?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Considering my track record of encountering evil ghosts, their offer seems worse than minimal-wage work.”
“Good. Seriously reconsider the option of focusing on being Mrs. Rowling.” He nodded, crossing his arms.
CHAPTER 9
“So what now?” Rick turned to Brian, who cleared his throat.
“You can’t keep the ghost loose like that, having total control over your mom’s body. We have to retrieve the ring no matter what,” Brian muttered, glancing at the ghost possessing Alice’s body. While we were talking, she was lured to a pizza place, selling hot gooey slices in bags and boxes.
“So far, she’s obsessed with food. Maybe I can distract her with pizza while you retrieve the ring. How does that sound?” I suggested.
“Good.” The exorcist nodded, cautiously looking at Alice.
“Approach her casually and offer to buy some pizza, maybe?” Rick suggested. When he added, “Please,” I realized he was indeed worried sick about his estranged mother, no matter what had happened in the past.
I nodded and walked toward Marion, who was looking intensely at the pizza. “Marion, do you need help picking your choice of toppings?”
“This is the food called pizza, right?” she said, still glaring at the menu. The place offered a large selection of Italian-inspired thin-crusted pizzas, rather than New York-style ones with thicker crust.
“Yes, it is.” I nodded. “So, Marion, what’s your mood? Do you prefer tomato-based red sauce, cheese pizza, or pizza with pesto sauce?”
“Pesto sauce? What’s that?” Marion looked at me with starry eyes, prompting me to wish I could take a selfie with her—sporting barbecue sauce stains across the white dress covering her chest—so that I’d be able to show the woman who was about to turn into my mother-in-law when she became too pushy about our wedding planning.
“Pesto sauce is a green sauce made of fresh basil leaves, pine nuts, garlic, and olive oil.” While reciting the recipe ingredients, I caught a glimpse of Brian moving stealthily toward the ghost with way too much appetite.
“What does it taste like?”
“Oh, it’s complex, you know. Sweet and savory with fresh basil, rich with garlic, and the delicate saltiness of Mediterranean Sea salt,” I went on, trying to concentrate on my part and not looking at the exorcist who covered the sapphire and diamond ring in a piece of human-shaped white paper.
“Ah!” Marion let out a small gasp as the covered ring slid off her finger.
“There you go, babe,” Brian muttered, grasping it tightly.
I looked at Alice, who stood there frozen with her eyes closed, her body tense. But the next moment, her whole body shuddered, threatening to fall. Rick scurried to her side, catching her as she faltered.
“Brian, what did you do to her?” I asked, anxious as I saw Alice in Rick’s arms, totally unmoving. Also, the fact that I couldn’t see Marion, even in the form of a ghost bothered me.
“No worries. I’ve just sealed the spirit in a piece of washi craft paper soaked in holy water.”
“Holy water? What holy water?” I asked, frowning. When I was in med school,
urologists often referred to urine as holy water, and if that was the case about Brian’s tool, I had to keep a good distance from him.
“Tap water laced with body scrub from Sabon. I usually shop at a place located in Chelsea,” he said. “I always use a delicate jasmine-scented one, which literally smells divine.”
“Oh… really?”
“Hey, what’s with your skeptical glance? The salt comes from the Dead Sea in Israel,” the exorcist said defiantly, stashing the ring inside his attaché case. “Anyway, I’d prefer to keep the ring’s ghost asleep until we’ve moved to a safer place. I’m assuming you weren’t sporting the ragged-and-damaged look this morning when you left home, am I correct?” He glanced at me from head to toe.
“You’re so right,” I admitted. “In the past hour or so, things have been truly rough, with heavy objects falling on me and that vehicle smashing toward us, almost killing both Rick and me.” I tried to chuckle, but what I managed was a tense sound that resembled hiccups.
“I can see that.” The exorcist grinned.
“And I warned you about the danger of dealing with the evil ghost possessing the ring,” Jackie bragged again. “Guess what? You should listen to your guardian angel.”
“I know, I know.” I agreed reluctantly.
“If you’re interviewing the ghost of the ring, we’d better go somewhere secluded to avoid collateral damage. If the ring keeps manifesting its evil power in this place, it could be a bloodbath.” Brian shook his attaché case to prove his point.
In the meantime, Alice’s body made another full-body shiver.
“Are you okay?”
As we watched her carefully, her eyelashes fluttered and she opened her eyes.
“Alice?” Rick’s voice was tense and unsure, as if he had no idea what to do with his mom passed out in his arms.
Alice’s lips parted into a smile. The moment she opened her mouth, her silence of the past few minutes seemed like a joke, because Alice started talking rambling.
“Hi, Rick, darling! Gosh, why are you holding me so tightly? Like you’re never letting me go? Oh, no need for explaining. Ooh, my sweet, sweet boy! You’ve always been a mama’s boy, haven’t you, darling?”
“Am not! Will you stop babbling facts about me that only exist in your head?” Rick snapped. “Brian, stop laughing!” He turned to the exorcist who was practically laughing his ass off.
“Oh, not just Amanda but your friend is here? How nice. Hello!” She cooed at the exorcist, who was still choking with laughter.
“Hello, Mrs—”
“It’s Alice. You can just call me Alice. Surnames are so overrated, you know.” Shaking off Brian’s attempt at courtesy, she offered her hand to the exorcist.
“Hello, Alice. I’m Brian Powers, Rick’s longtime friend and occasional business partner.”
“Wonderful to meet you.”
Watching Alice graciously shaking hands with Brian, I let out a small sigh of relief. The woman driving Rick crazy was Alice Wunderlande herself, the one and only. She’d totally lost the French accent she’d used while possessed by Marion, and Alice looked well enough to crack jokes—though she might have been serious—and to immediately straighten up.
“Hi, Amanda.” Alice did a little finger wave at me. As I waved back at her, she asked, “You know, it looks like I zoned out a little, right? Otherwise, you don’t end up in your son’s arms, right?”
Her enunciation was clear, and both of her hands seemed to be working nicely.
“Right. Of course.” I nodded like a bobblehead toy. “You seemed a little tired, and we were worried about you. So, how are you feeling? Is everything all right? Any headache? Numbness in the tips of your fingers or toes?” I asked. Not that she had a stroke, but we couldn’t be too careful.
Making fists with both hands and then straightening her fingers, she smiled. “I feel good… I mean, refreshed even. You know, it may sound strange, but I think I was having a weird but very nice daydream. I was having a town date with you and Rick, having lots of fun, laughing like we had no care in this world. You know, crazy things happened, like iron pipes falling off toward you from a construction site and a cactus crashing down by us. And then an SUV smashed into the sidewalk, barely missing us.” She reached for me and I held her hand.
Rick and I exchanged glances.
“Wow… how nice!” I tried to sound excited. I had no idea what had been happening to Alice’s brain while her body was taken over by the ghost, and I was concerned about residual damage, such as coma and dementia. But she seemed to remember everything—with some revisions to the turns of events.
Then she found the crashed SUV still blocking the way. “Hmm… it looks like some parts of my daydream were real. How interesting.” She sniffed and looked down at her white dress with blotchy red stains. “I smell barbecue sauce. Why do I have barbecue sauce stains?”
“Come on, you were munching on a barbecue chicken sandwich like a starving pirate,” Rick reminded her. The tone of his voice was still tight, but he added the word, “Mother,” to end the sentence.
Alice’s eyes widened. “Oh my God! You called me Mother for the first time in forever!”
“Did I?” Rick mumbled, looking oh-so-uncomfortable, prompting Brian, Jackie, and me to chuckle. “Anyway, Alice, you need to see a doctor as you were passed out, albeit for a brief time.”
“Oh no, I’m fine. I insist,” she protested.
“If you’re so fine, why don’t you see a doctor just to prove it?” Rick suggested. “By the way, can I borrow your phone?”
“I said I’m fine.” She let out an exasperated sigh, but she took her phone out and handed it to Rick anyway.
“Thanks,” he said. “After all, you can’t be seen walking around in stained clothing in this neighborhood. I have a hunch Dan will buy you a really nice dress on your way to the hospital.”
“Sounds good,” Alice muttered sarcastically, but the corners of her lips were forming a smile.
While Rick was making a phone call, Jackie said, “So, Mandy, he cares about his mom at the bottom of his heart, and he’s really, truly gentle-hearted despite his hard-lined attitude. You know what? He’ll make a truly great husband.”
“Maybe, hopefully,” I replied nonchalantly, suppressing a smile. Then I was tapped on the shoulder. I turned back to find Alice, who was grinning at me. “Yes? Oh, Alice, may I help you?”
“Thank you so much for a wonderful time, Amanda,” she said. “It really seems like I haven’t been myself for the past few hours, and I do remember feeling truly happy, but unfortunately, I seem to have some lapses of memory. Did I really eat chicken?”
“Yes, you did.” I nodded. “And you enjoyed it so much.”
“Hmm… really?” She pressed her lips together. “Actually, I had a hunch about that, as I still have the aftertaste of chicken and barbecue sauce. Okay, so I have to admit it was amazing. Perhaps I should reconsider serving vegan wedding cake to everyone.”
“That would be wonderful, Alice. I’d appreciate it very much,” I said, and I meant it. “You know, Alice, I’m afraid you’re tired, what with all the stress of planning our wedding. So perhaps you may want to sit back and relax, leave the planning part to us.”
“Thank you for kind words, Amanda.” She smiled. “But you know, Rick is going to be super busy with him joining the company. Amanda, I presume you’ll be as busy as him, with social functions, dance lessons, and everything. So, I feel obliged to help you.”
“Ah, Alice… you’re so sweet!” I cooed, trying to sound happy and excited. “Still, I’m worried about your well-being, you know. And I’m sure Rick and I can manage the wedding planning part. Actually, we’re hoping to decide on the venue as soon as possible. Besides, the two of us will have to work on many issues together as a married couple, right?” I forced a smile, attempting to keep the conversation amicable.
“So, have you and Rick signed up for a dance class?” she asked abruptly.
“Yes,
of course!” I lied.
CHAPTER 10
After Alice left with a USCAB agent in a black Mercedes, we dropped by Rick’s condo to freshen up and change our—especially my—ragged and damaged clothes into something that wasn’t damaged or ripped. Then we headed for the FBI’s New York City headquarters downtown. From the track record of mayhem caused by the ring and Marion, our office seemed like the best possible place to question the ghost.
We gathered at the office of Paranormal Cases Division with Agent Woo, who greeted Brian, offering his hand to the exorcist and saying, “Hello, Mr. Powers. I’ve heard so many nice things about you.”
“Oh really?” Brian raised his eyebrows while shaking hands with the agent from the White-Collar Crime Unit. “I never really expected any compliments about me from Rowling.”
“Actually, my source involves my wife and daughters.” Agent Woo winked. “They love your TV show.”
“Wow. That’s even better.” The exorcist’s grin widened. “I’m more than happy to offer you some signed photographs.”
“That’ll be great. I’d appreciate it.” Then Agent Woo turned to Rick. “So, shall we get started?”
“Yes, let’s get it over pronto,” Rick said, crossing his long legs at the sofa in the corner of the office.
“All right, then. I’m opening the ring wrapper,” Brian announced and opened the white washi paper covering the ring. As the ring came out, I saw Marion appear.
Brian went on. “As a precaution, I’ll be keeping the ring half-covered so its curse stays disabled. Usually, my paper craft soaked in holy water contains the curses, however, I can’t give it 100% guarantee.”
With her long eyelashes fluttering, Marion opened her eyes. “This place…. Oh, so I was brought back to the office.” She looked around skeptically. Her voice was devoid of emotions, but she seemed to be disappointed.
I cleared my throat. “Marion, the ring’s power is currently disabled. This gentleman here can exorcise you immediately, but I don’t want to go that extreme unless absolutely necessary. So, I’d appreciate it very much if you’d honestly answer the questions we’ll be asking.”