Recorded Session: 1
Dr. Shore: Good morning Atton.
Atton: Good morning doctor.
Dr. Shore: Allow me to start by expressing how proud I am that you have decided to join our program.
Atton: You’re welcome. And thank you.
Dr. Shore: You are welcome. Now Atton, before we begin, do you know why exactly you are here today? That is, to what precise purpose?
Atton: Yes sir I do.
Dr. Shore: Would you care to explain?
Atton: I am here because of the mistakes I made 21 years ago.
Dr. Shore: Yes, but actually I was referring to the program.
Atton: Of course. I am here to offer my life experiences here in Wyden Hall, to redeem myself to my community. I am here to show that I am a different person now than I was when I came in, and that I’ve since been willing to change myself for the better. Also, in addition I was hoping to be transferred to a lower security prison.
Dr. Shore: Perfect. And I have every confidence in the world that you will get exactly that. You’ve been doing quite well here at Wyden Hall. The warden speaks well of you. And I also see that you have been volunteering a lot of your time at the library.
Atton: I try my best to make a good impression.
Dr. Shore: That is good. Because this program will require you to show that you are committed to rehabilitation. What we accomplish together in the next six months ahead will determine whether or not you are eligible to preside at a minimum security facility. Having said that, I’d like you to think of the next six months we have together as an opportunity. It is after all, a chance that not many inmates get.
Atton: Yes doctor. Thank you for the chance. I promise I will do whatever it takes.
Dr. Shore: Good. Now, before we get any further into specifics, I’d like to give you a diary.
Atton: A diary?
Dr. Shore: Yes. For recording your thoughts. You will share them with me at the end of each week, and together we will discuss whatever matters come to mind.
Atton: How much should I write?
Dr. Shore: You write as much you feel like writing of course. But umm, it would be best if you had five entries ready for next week.
Atton: Five?
Dr. Shore: Yes. But certainly, don’t restrain yourself. There are no limits in place here. You should feel free to write in as much as you possibly can.
Atton: I will.
Dr. Shore: Excellent. I just know that our program will work wonders for you Atton. Stick with it, and eventually you will become an influence for the rest of the inmates here at Wyden Hall.
Atton: I will try my best. I only hope that I don’t disappoint.
Dr. Shore: Aah don’t you fret. With my help and your ambition, there’s no doubt that our time together will prove to be an unmitigated success.
Thursday
April 24, 2003
7:26 AM
Eli was gone after he dropped the girl. The face that stared at Atton didn’t belong to him anymore. All that remained of Eli Desmond was the monster inside his body.
Atton raised the shotgun to his friend’s bobbing head. The swell of tears obscured his vision. Atton didn’t want to pull the trigger. But he didn’t hesitate. A blast went off. And after that, nothing. Gravity sunk down his shoulders. The pressures of the outside world caved in, causing Atton’s own body to weigh in against itself.
He let go of the gun, dropped it on the floor beside his feet. He hunched down, and tried not to stare at what was left of Eli Desmond.
Transcripts of Dr. Nelson Shore
Date: October 12, 2002
Recorded Session: 2
Dr. Shore: Good day Atton.
Atton: Good day to you doctor.
Dr. Shore: Do you have a journal to show to me today?
Atton: Yes I do. Here it is. I don’t know if maybe I wrote too much. I recorded pretty much twice every day.
Dr. Shore: Oh but that’s perfect. It shows initiative. Trust me when I say that people like initiative.
Atton: Thank you.
Dr. Shore: Good. I can’t wait to read it. In the meanwhile, here’s another notebook for you to write in while I review this one. Again you write as much as you want, and when I see you next week, I’ll give you your old notebook so you can write in that while I check this.
Atton: And vice versa.
Dr. Shore: Exactly. Now, do you have any questions?
Atton: No.
Dr. Shore: Good. Well, then since we’ve got that little business squared away, today I would like to talk to you about why you are here.
Atton: Didn’t we do that last week?
Dr. Shore: I meant why you’re in prison.
Atton: Oh. Well, my crime was double homicide. I’m serving a life sentence because at the age of 17 I killed two rival meth dealers.
Dr. Shore: Yes. Jamal Richards, and Ignacio Reyes. Tell me, why did you kill them?
Atton: They were selling meth on the Southside Freedom territory. I killed them because I was a member of the gang. Our OG, Darian, wanted me to do it as sort of a rite of passage. I used to make dope for them. But the way they put it, if I put a bullet in those two, then they’d know for sure that I was committed.
Dr. Shore: And you were.
Atton: Yes.
Dr. Shore: So you did what they asked.
Atton: Yes.
Dr. Shore: Why did you join this gang at the time? What was it about them that attracted your attention?
Atton: I used to cook drugs for a seller until things went south. He ripped me off. I was new to the business at the time, so I thought that if I wanted to operate with protection, I had to join the Southside Freedom.
Dr. Shore: Did you never consider legitimate employment?
Atton: It was, challenging, for me to make a living. I was already arrested once for possession, so finding work wasn’t easy for me. And at any rate I wanted money as fast as I could get it. At the time I thought that dealing dope was the answer.
Dr. Shore: But now you realize that it isn’t.
Atton: Absolutely.
Dr. Shore: I want to talk a little about that night. When your, gang captain told you to kill those two drug dealers.
Atton: What did you want to know?
Dr. Shore: Could you describe for me the events of what happened that night?
Atton: There isn’t much to say. We drove over to where Jamal and Reyes were selling. Darian handed me a gun, and he told me to handle the problem. He said that afterwards we’d go out and celebrate my initiation.
Dr. Shore: Initiation?
Atton: At the time I was a junior in the Southside Freedom. To be a G, you had to be initiated. The OG had to back you up.
Dr. Shore: So you did what you were asked to do.
Atton: Yes.
Dr. Shore: And was that easy for you?
Atton: No.
Dr. Shore: Then why did you do it?
Atton: I was an angry child back then. I was confused, and I didn’t know what other options I had. I thought it was my only choice.
Dr. Shore: And how did you feel after killing Jamal and Reyes?
Atton: Horrible. And I never want to do anything like it again.
7:34 AM
He gandered at the time on his digital watch, leering in complete and utter silence as the seconds and the milliseconds passed him by. Time kept on moving forward, and yet he felt as though he were trapped in place. Unable to stand; unable to move. The air of futility hung above him like a net.
He’d tried so hard and for so long, and yet this was how it ended.
Atton didn’t know what to do. He thought he’d pray, but the urge passed just as quickly as it came. Instead he thought back on Eli, and how fear had caused him to point a gun to his face. To lock him up on his last day of life, and allow him to change.
And then there was Ellen. He swore he’d protect her. She trusted him. And now she was dead. In spite of all his intentions, he’d gotten her killed.
Atton crept up the ledge and looked down to where Ellen had fallen. A sea of infected were huddled around her. All he could see was her bare leg sticking out from the onslaught. She didn’t move. Her nerves didn’t even twitch. Blood pooled around the hands and mouths of the infected. They tore away at her piece by piece by piece by piece.
Meanwhile, at every which direction Atton could see that swarms of infected had covered the perimeter of his building. Atton was trapped. There wasn’t a single safe place to leave.
A pipeline travelling from the bottom floor up to the roof began to rattle. Atton had a peek below it only to see a man in a grey sweater scaling up the pipe.
Atton could scarcely believe what he saw.
How did they learn to climb?
Atton grabbed his shotgun and took aim at the man’s head. He pulled the trigger, parting his skull into chunks of blood, bone, and meat. The headless corpse released the pipes and fell over to the crowd of other infected. Their shambling bodies cushioned his weight. But just as soon as the first man fell, a second began climbing his way up the pipes. Then a third, and then a fourth right behind him. They scaled up in droves of four, and then more followed suit.
Atton cocked his gun. Then fired. Shot by shot he ended them for good. But there were too many of them to stop. Too many even to count. More and more piled along the pipeline, and even in his duffel bag of shells, he didn’t have enough ammunition to fend them all.
Transcripts of Dr. Nelson Shore
Date: October 19, 2002
Recorded Session: 3
Dr. Shore: I read your journal Atton. And I have to say I’m quite impressed.
Atton: Are you?
Dr. Shore: Yes. You have such a way with words when you write. I think that you would make a great author someday.
Atton: That’s funny doctor.
Dr. Shore: I didn’t mean for it to be. I’m being quite serious Atton. You are quite the talent with a pen. I enjoyed reading every page, not to mention your descriptions of your youth.
Atton: Thank you doctor.
Dr. Shore: I expect that your next entry is just as equally fascinating. Do you have it ready?
Atton: Yes. It’s right here.
Dr. Shore: Thank you. And here is your old journal back. Skip a page so I know which entries to review.
Atton: Of course.
Dr. Shore: Alright. Well, I think that now would be an opportune moment for us to discuss why you are seeking a transfer.
Atton: It’s the same reason anybody else here would be looking to transfer out of Wyden Hall.
Dr. Shore: You don’t like it here?
Atton: It’s prison.
Dr. Shore: But, is there anything about this place that brings you any special discomfort?
Atton: I, won’t complain about the staff. But what I will say is that for someone who is trying to recover, and rehabilitate, I don’t think that Wyden Hall is the best place for me.
Dr. Shore: And how is that?
Atton: I, don’t know if I should say this.
Dr. Shore: Trust me Atton. Being open and candid with me is the only way that this program is going to work for the both of us.
Atton: I’m surrounded by criminals, doctor. And to be honest, criminals that are every bit as maladjusted as they look. A lot of them aren’t trying to change their ways. And they make it hard on those of us who are. Every day they try to discourage me, to take me back from my recovery. I’ve ignored them for as long as I can, but they only keep on pushing harder. I’m trying to do what’s right, but it isn’t easy when all I see, day in and day out, are these, monsters. And I know that after all the years I’ve spent here holding them back, they’re just going to keep on coming. I’m afraid for myself doctor. I’m afraid of the influences that might control me if I don’t leave.
7:39 AM
There was no stopping the infected. Try as Atton might, the effort was hopeless. Even if he could stop them from scaling up the pipes, the fact remained that he was still surrounded. Assuming that they didn’t manage to find another way to reach him, there was no telling how long he would survive on his own, trapped inside a club.
Options were slim. And Atton’s chances of surviving even slimmer. He searched around him for any possible avenues of escape. Eventually what came into his attention was that in gathering around the pipes, the infected had neglected to watch the front door. There were only two infected standing beside the entrance.
If he was fast, Atton was convinced that if nothing else he could at least dodge them and run away.
He shot a few infected off the pipe to slow down the horde. Atton then padlocked the rooftop, and tossed the surrounding furniture away from the door. It didn’t take long, but the infected were closing in. Several hands already began smacking and pounding from upstairs. With the lock on the front door unfurled, Atton took a deep breath, pulled the knob, and hoped for the best.
Transcripts of Dr. Nelson Shore
Date: October 26, 2002
Recorded Session: 4
Dr. Shore: Atton, I am well aware that you are going through a lot right now. And I know it might seem like an empty cliché, but I’ve met a lot of desperate people over the course of my career. And I’ve found that the best help you can offer them is the most simple act of moral support. Trust me Atton. As long as you have faith, you will succeed.
11:03 AM
The run was long and brutal. The infected had chased Atton half-way across the city, or so it felt, until he was able to avert them long enough to hide inside the Clayton Aquarium on his left. They didn't see him go inside, which made avoiding them easier. As he went in he hid from the windows and held on to his beating, aching heart, forcing himself from eliciting a single noise.
They didn't come. He waited with the shotgun steady, its handle moist with the sweat on his hands. Perspiration steamed from Atton's body. He was tired, but he stayed awake long enough for an hour to pass him by, along with anything that might have been chasing after him. When enough time went by on his watch, Atton was confident that he was safe. Safe enough to finally put his mind and body at ease, release the tension around his shaking limbs, and close his eyes for brief rest.
1:21 PM
If Atton had any complaints against naps, it was how they made him feel once he woke up.
He was tired, drowsy, and yet he couldn't sleep. He stood up and walked, but still with one eye still half-unconscious. Atton yawned silently, and stretched. The sweat was gone now, leaving behind a sticky skin, and the smell of body odor.
He journeyed the aquarium for a brief exercise, only now taking the time to explore a place he'd never seen in his life.
The Clayton Aquarium was a series of display tanks filled with sludge water and rotting dead fish. A shame, considering that on any regular day when they had people around to take care of it, he imagined the place was quite nice. It’d have been perfect place for a family with kids to see all the kinds of fish that lived out in the ocean. He would have liked to see that. Sea creatures swimming from one end of their tank to the next, showing off their underwater alacrity, along with the bright colors of their scales.
The aquarium didn't contain any outdoor mirrors save for along the exits. The lighting in the building was self-contained, which Atton imagined was for the benefit of the fish they kept on display. Their environment had to be artificially controlled to allow the fish to grow and flourish.
As a man who used to grow plants for a living, he knew all about the importance of lighting. And what made the aquarium seem the safest place for him to be in for the moment being was that without indoor power, the aquarium didn't have any. The darkness kept him safe. Underneath the protection of tinted glass, Atton didn't have to hide. He was free to be, and free to think.
5:12 PM
He'd only ever been to an aquarium once when he was a child. He went to Monterey Bay with his parents, back when his father was still alive. He found it fascinating that out of all the animals they kept
inside their large, expensive tanks, the one that impressed him the most was the freshwater glass fish. Fish that looked as small and as ordinary as any other, except that their bodies were completely transparent. You could see straight through them, into their silver innards and bones.
He checked the time and asked himself if now was a good time to go back and find the others. In the end he decided that it was as good enough a time to leave as any. He did, but kept caution at the forefront of his mind. The infected could have been hiding anywhere. They had a tendency hide when lurking for prey. Though he had no way of knowing if that was what they were doing now. He wouldn’t until he found out for himself. From what he could see from the opening at the front door, the coast was clear. Streets were empty, roads free.
If he was right, then there wouldn’t be a safer time to go. If he was wrong, he'd find that out soon enough.
Transcripts of Dr. Nelson Shore
Date: November 9, 2002
Recorded Session: 6
Dr. Shore: Is there something troubling you?
Atton: No. Why?
Dr. Shore: It’s just, well I noticed that you have been writing less frequently in your journal now than you used to.
Atton: You said I only needed to write five entries each week.
Dr. Shore: That’s the minimum. But I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what that implies about people who perform the bare minimum.
Atton: You’re right. I’ll try to write more often.
Dr. Shore: Do you need stationery supplies?
Atton: No. And even if I did they wouldn’t let me take it.
Dr. Shore: Of course. I’m sorry. How could I forget?
Atton: It’s alright. The guards loan me pens, so I’m fine.
Fear of the Dead Page 15