by Izzy Shows
More often than not, the trouble came in the middle of the night, and it was still young yet.
That was the only reason I felt comfortable enough to sit and take a moment to just relax. I truly loved that the blood mages had accepted me at last, despite what I was, but I was still new to the concept of being in such close quarters with people all the time. When I'd lived with the wolves, I'd still had my own space, mostly because they didn't want to be close to me. But the way the safe house was set up, everyone was on top of each other, and there wasn't anywhere you could go to get a second to yourself.
I was a loner by nature, and I enjoyed my me time. Which was why I was soaking it up right now instead of getting on with the patrol I was meant to be on.
It'll be fine. Nothing ever happens this early in the night, anyway.
True. And besides, there were some nights when nothing happened at all. If I was lucky, this would be one of those nights. As much as I enjoyed the hunt and the kill, I also enjoyed just having a peaceful night to myself.
However, night hunting usually ended up with a less-than-peaceful day afterwards. The other mages didn't like it so much when I hunted at night; it made them uncomfortable, reminded them of the vampires. They preferred when I stuck to a regular schedule, rising in the day and sleeping at night, like they did.
I understood that, for the most part, but there was that rebellious side of me that didn't want to do what I was told anymore. So I kept my night hunts, and just as they had gotten used to me, they were growing more accustomed to the idea of me going out at night sometimes.
It wasn't as if it was every night, after all. I supposed that gave them some small measure of comfort when they looked on the situation at large. And besides, they were just grateful for what I was doing for them now. They didn't want me to stop hunting altogether.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost didn't notice the vampire approach.
Almost.
I caught his rhythm when he came close to the fire escape, and immediately I tensed, preparing for battle, but a moment later, I relaxed. I recognized this vampire's biorhythm.
"Hello, Nina," Alex's voice greeted me a moment later as he climbed up onto the fire escape.
Alex was the first person I had ever called friend, ironic though it was that he was a vampire. He was, objectively, a gorgeous man—with pale skin and blond hair and a physique that most women would drool over. Despite that, I'd never been attracted to him. Maybe it was because he was Gray's friend, and I'd been so caught up in the way Gray made me feel.
"Hey," I said, frowning at him. "What are you doing here? I didn't think I would ever see you again."
He laughed. "I didn't either, though I've been trying very hard to find you."
"You'll forgive me if I've been making an effort to not be found by any vampires."
"Of course, of course. You've done a very good job of evading the Council's hunting parties. I must commend you on that. Still, if you'd made it a little easier on me, I would have appreciated that."
"I didn't know you were looking for me," I pointed out, one eyebrow raised. "Which you still haven't said why you were."
"Isn't it obvious?" He spread his hands before him. "You're my friend. I missed you and I wanted to see you."
"Alex…" I shook my head. "It isn't that simple. I missed you, too, but we both know this friendship isn't going to work out in the long run. The Council is actively trying to have me killed now—they lied to one of your vampires about my death curse so that he would kill me without fearing my retribution. And besides, Gray's engaged. I can't go back, even if I wanted to."
His features darkened at the mention of Gray, as if a weight had settled upon him.
Uh oh. I didn't like the look of that.
"I should go," I said, rising to my feet. "I missed you, Alex, but I really shouldn't encourage this kind of behavior."
"No, please!" He looked up at me with desperation in his eyes. "You were right, it isn't so simple as my missing you, though I have. Please, stay and listen to me."
I frowned, taking a step away. "I really shouldn't. If anyone found out I was talking to you…"
"I'm in as much danger talking to you," he said softly. "But I had to find you, to say something."
"All right, what is it, then? What are you risking the wrath of the Council for?"
"Gray," he said simply.
That was all he needed to say.
My heart lurched in my chest at the mention of the man who filled me with such conflicting emotions at the same time Alex was looking at me with so much pain in his eyes.
"What happened?" I asked, coming back and sitting down beside him again. "I thought everything would be okay now that he took a mate."
He shook his head. "It's…complicated. It isn't my place to say everything, but the man is lost in his grief. He barely speaks to me, he isn't feeding—you'll recall that he never took a thrall before, but he used to drink blood that was brought to him, usually in bottles or some other such fashion. But from what I have observed, he's starving himself. Things…things are not well, though most of the other vampires don't know it. I suspect there's a very real chance that the Council may attempt to usurp him given the way he's been lately."
It felt like my heart had fallen down through my gut. I couldn't think of what to say to any of that.
Grief? What does he have to grieve over?
Well, apparently I had one thought. Out of all that Alex had said, that stood out to me the most, and the question burned at my lips so much that I couldn't help but give voice to it.
"Why is he grieving?" I asked, my voice soft and small. I didn't want to ask, didn't think it was wise to show interest in Gray right now.
Alex looked down at his lap and was silent for several tense minutes, during which I was waiting so impatiently I wanted to scream. At last, he finished deliberating.
"You left," he whispered. "You left, again, and it destroyed him."
"I don't understand," I said, shaking my head. "Why would that destroy him?"
"I can't say. It's not for me to tell."
I grimaced, biting into the side of my cheek. This was most unsettling, to say the least. I had thought when Gray took his mate, things would be better for him. I had hoped he would find a life that, while devoid of the passion we had shared, would be at least comfortable. That was what I was trying to do. I knew I would never find anyone who made me feel alive like he did, never feel as if my body had been ignited just with a simple touch the way he was somehow able to do, but still, I'd been intent on finding at least a pleasant existence.
And I'd thought that he'd be able to do the same.
What did Alex mean when he said that my leaving had destroyed him? It didn't make sense to me.
"I'm sorry, Alex, but this…this is unrelated to me," I said at last, though the words were at odds with the feelings in my heart. In truth, anything to do with Gray was very much related to me, and I didn't want to be left out of it at all. But I couldn't allow myself to get mixed up in all of that again. It was too dangerous, too painful. I couldn't bear to see him with his mate. "I can't go back to the castle, if that's what you're trying to ask of me."
"Just speak to him, please," he said, looking for all the world as if I'd crushed his soul with my words. "If he could just see you again, if you'd give him a chance to speak his piece, I think it would help."
"Alex, you ask too much. We're both risking a lot just speaking to each other, but going back to the castle is tantamount to serving myself up on a silver platter. I'd never make it out again. I'm lucky I did the first time."
"You didn't have to," he said petulantly. "Gray wouldn't have let them do anything to you."
"You don't know that," I snapped, defensive. "You don't know what he's capable of or what he isn't. He's bent to the Council's will so many times now that I honestly couldn't trust him to keep me safe, not that I would expect him to. I killed another vampire, if you'll remember."
&n
bsp; "Which is something you should speak to Gray about," he said, clenching his jaw.
"Why won't you give me any of the answers you think will change my mind?"
"As I said, it isn't my place to say these things. If Gray knew that I was saying any of this at all, he wouldn't be happy with me. Which, actually, would be the first reaction I'd get out of him in a long time."
That didn't make me feel any better.
What had happened to Gray? Inside, I was dying to know, but I was afraid to find out. I wasn't lying when I said that going back to the castle was the worst possible thing that I could do, that it would be committing suicide, but there was a large part of me that wanted to do exactly that.
This was why Gray was so dangerous to me. He drove reason from my mind. I'd had to work so hard to just stop myself from thinking about him every minute of every day that had passed since I'd left the castle. Ignoring the aching pain in my chest that had become a constant, now that he wasn't at my side, had been difficult, but I'd been managing it.
Just talking about him, though, undid all of my hard work. Now it was as if the pain was as fresh as the day I'd left the castle. I felt his absence as much as I would if I had lopped off one of my limbs.
He shouldn't be this important to me…
But he was, and there was little use in denying it. Hadn't I wasted enough time doing that?
"Is there anything I can say or do that would change your mind, that would inspire you to just speak to him one last time?"
I sighed. It was good that he didn't know how much I wanted to do exactly that.
"I can't go back, not so long as the Council is in power and my people are in chains. Have him fix that, and then I'll talk to him."
Alex looked up at me with a flicker of hope in his eyes.
"Maybe that will give him back the will to live. It's worth risking his rage when he finds out that I spoke to you."
"I hope you aren't getting yourself into trouble," I said, frowning.
He shrugged. "I can't stand to watch my best friend waste away like this. Any pain is worth it to bring him back to life."
The pain inside me, of living without Gray, seemed to double at his words.
God above, he couldn't die.
A life without him was something I'd been forcing myself to come to terms with. But a life in a world he wasn't in?
No. No, I wouldn't accept that.
Nine
I made it through the rest of my patrol before my will broke. I didn't return to the safe house when the rays of dawn graced the world—instead, I somehow found myself standing on the castle grounds, staring up at the wall that housed the window I knew led into Gray's suite.
Hadn't I snuck out of it enough times to know it on sight?
Just standing there felt so…odd. Like I was surrounded by the ghosts of another life. It felt like ages had gone by since I'd lived inside these walls, slept in a room separated from Gray by only a wall, living in fear that I would be found out and yet unable to walk away from the unsettling and yet thrilling emotions he'd evoked in me.
It was as if my heart was straining in my chest toward the castle, knowing that its other half rested just inside those walls.
Don't be foolish. He's a vampire. He's destined to mate with another vampire. Even if…even if you loved him, he couldn't love you back.
That hurt more than words could say.
But hadn't Alex said that he'd been destroyed when I'd left? Surely someone who'd only lusted after me wouldn't be destroyed by my absence. Surely he had to feel something more for me than all of that.
I had to know. It went against all logic for me to be here, to be doing this, but I had to know what had happened to Gray. And what he really felt for me.
Pushing aside the voice that told me to turn back and return to the safe house, I scaled the castle wall and slipped inside the window that led to Gray's suite without making a noise. It was so easy that I could have done it in my sleep; I'd done it so many times that it was muscle memory now.
My feet alighted on the plush rug that rested just under the window, and memories threatened to consume me as I looked around the room I'd once lived in.
But there was a sadness to the room now, an emptiness that hadn't been there before. It didn't look that different, but I could feel it in the air.
I shut the window and turned toward the door that led from this antechamber to Gray's sleeping quarters. He was on the other side of that door, he was so close, and my heart beat triple time at the thought of seeing him again.
I'd never thought I would be able to. I'd never thought I'd get to hear his voice, and now it was going to be reality. It wouldn't just be a dream, like all the ones that had haunted me since I'd left the castle.
He would be real, right in front of me.
I was terrified and excited all at once.
Swallowing my trepidation, I opened the door with a trembling hand, stepped inside, and shut it behind me. My eyes alighted on Gray's sleeping form, draped across the giant bed as he was.
For a moment, I just stood and drank in the pleasure of seeing him again. He was beautiful beyond words, with darkly tanned skin and stark white hair that fell down to his shoulders. The silver blanket that covered him had been pushed back to his waist, so that his bare, muscular chest was visible. My heart ached as I remembered what we could have had, what little we had shared, and all the possibilities that had been laid out in front of us.
But they weren't real. You couldn't really have had him for life, not like you secretly wanted. He was always going to be held away from you, and you're just torturing yourself by thinking about it.
But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Couldn't keep myself from wanting those things, even now that it was more impossible than it had ever been before.
At last, I stepped closer to the bed and stroked the back of my hand along his cheek, relishing the feeling of his skin against mine again.
His eyelashes fluttered, and he made a small, contented sound as he pressed back against my hand. I smiled, continuing to stroke him.
"Wake up, Gray," I whispered. "It's Nina."
He frowned, and for a moment more he remained as he was, and then his eyes drifted open. They locked on me as soon as he was awake though, but there was no surprise in his eyes.
Hm, well, that was a little disappointing.
"Not again," he said, sounding almost tortured. "I can't do this again."
"What are you talking about?" I asked, laughing a little as I sat on the edge of his bed. "I haven't been here before."
He reached up and captured the wrist of the hand that had been stroking his cheek, pulling it down to his side, but he didn't let go. His thumb stroked the inside of my wrist, sending little jolts of electricity through my body, causing my breathing to quicken.
Damn him for always being able to affect me so.
"You're here every night, and you know it. These dreams do me no good. I can't keep this up," he murmured, though he looked at me through half-lidded eyes, the desire strong there.
"You don't look too unhappy to see me," I said, secretly glad that I had as much of an effect on him as he did on me. "Regardless, I'm no dream, Gray. It's really me."
He sighed. "You always say that."
"Do I always say that Alex came to see me, that he was very worried about you, and that I had no idea you were in so much pain?" I asked, my expression turning sad. "I'm sorry, Gray. I didn't mean to hurt you."
Now, surprise flickered in his eyes, and he sat up, holding tighter to my wrist.
"You can't be real," he said, but I could tell that he was starting to see reason. "You would never come here. It's too dangerous. But…" His eyes drifted over me, as if he were seeing me for the first time. "You're wearing your hunting garb."
"Yeah, I was patrolling tonight."
"You never wear that," he said slowly.
"Maybe because I'm not a dream?" I laughed. "I'm not, Gray, I promise."
Th
e next thing I knew, I was in his arms. He held me tight, as if he was terrified to let me go, and I curled up against him by instinct. One of his hands caressed my hair, and his chin rested atop my head.
"Why would you come here, my little hunter?" he murmured. "Why would you risk yourself like this?"
I clung to him, surprised by how much I needed to be against him now that I finally was. It was as if my body had been starving for his, and yet even this wasn't enough.
More, I need more.
I lifted one hand, stroking over his shoulder and across his chest, thrilling at the feel of his skin. I had never seen him like this before, never been in his bedchamber during the day when he'd slept, and I was greedy for the feel of him against me. He groaned at the touch of my hand on his chest, and I delighted in knowing that I affected him.
"I had to come," I said at last, snuggling closer to his chest. "Alex said that you were…that when I left…"
But I couldn't finish the sentence, partly because I didn't truly believe what Alex had said was true, and partly because it was such a horrible thing to say.
"You broke me," he said roughly. "Which you had every right to do. I don't deserve to have you here to comfort me. I earned my pain."
"What are you talking about?" I frowned as I pulled my head back to look up at him.
"I'm so sorry, little one, that I hurt you the way I did. I put you in a horrible position, having to choose between your independence and me. I never should have asked you to stay with me while I mated another. The thought is abhorrent and disrespectful to you, and…I can't believe I was selfish enough to ask it of you. I can't expect you to ever forgive me for it."
Now I had to laugh.
"Is that what this is about? Gray, you're royalty. The concept of having a mistress can't be so foreign to your station. I mean…yes, it's something I could never do, which was why I had to say no, but it's not like what you asked for was so outlandish."
"Of course it was," he said, frowning. "You do not understand the ways of my people, or you would know that what I asked for was insulting in so many ways. We mate for life. There are no mistresses. Our mate is quite literally the other half of our soul, and to bed another would be the worst kind of betrayal."