by Jon Jacks
‘No, you weren’t: and the fault is far more mine than yours. Suffering as I watched her wane, I saw no harm in allowing her a modicum of influence. I foolishly let her dictate the words of reason and logic that are supposed to placate and constrain her.’
‘Then you are her jailer?’
‘And I his – the perfect match! We contain each other.’
The Desire slips an arm around the angel’s waist, who looks back towards me.
‘What else finally curbs desire but death?’
‘And what can possibly beat death but the desire to stay alive? Would life be even worth living without desire?’
‘The kiss of death.’
‘The death of desire.’
‘The desire for death.’
At the start and end of each phrase, they kiss each other desirously.
The Desire pouts, as if a little spoilt, a little annoyed with him.
‘Personally, I think I could be given a little more leeway.’
‘You may help her; then we go.’
‘Help me?’ I say hopefully. ‘You…you can bring Paul back to life? You can make everything okay again?’
‘Ahh; if only it were so easy.’ The angel shakes his head sadly.
‘But there is something I can do: if you’re open to it, off course?’
The Desire steps back towards me, taking my hand gently in hers once more.
‘Yes, yes! Anything!’ I say eagerly.
‘Well, for a start, you shouldn’t be so open to making changes just on someone’s say so!’ The Desire gives me a disappointed, admonishing frown.
‘Ah, yes, yes; of course!’
‘Although you weren’t aware of it, you were a mess of conflicting desires. Career. Beauty. Lover. No matter what your intent, at times one or the other of your restrained, festering desires would win out.’
She takes both my hands in hers.
I see the girl upon the office floor, realise she is me, sense her desire for a career, everything that has happened to her, and what she had wanted to be.
I see the girl, angelically beautiful, upon the bedroom floor, sense her desire for an unbelievable, untouchable beauty.
I see me, how I was laid in a stupor upon the bed – my desire for another.
‘How could you choose which you desired most as long as you refused to recognise their existence and hold over you? Define your desires, don’t let them define you. Never suppress an emotion, or disregard what you feel. It is only awareness of what lies behind each choice, and the consequences of each choice, that allows you to challenge it.’
Letting go of one of my hands, she reaches out for her lover’s. He gladly takes it and, at the same time, reaches out for my free hand.
I expected the grip of the Angel of Death to be cold, clammy. It isn’t. It is as warm as the Desire’s.
‘It’s not whom, what, or what you are led to believe you should desire. Simply desire to be the real you, and all your other desires will form around it. Free yourself of all expectations, and other people and their actions hardly ever affect you.’
There was still something worrying me.
‘But…Paul? Yes, I realise now, I wanted, had, to be free of him to be myself. But…I didn’t want him to die.’
The angel’s face is beatific.
‘A desire made manifest, that you’re now aware of? Well, that can be dealt with.’
‘So, tell me now: what do you desire most?’
‘To be me: the real me.’
‘So you desire another; another, better you. Then it must be all three of us who embrace. For those parts holding you back must be sacrificed.’
And, as three, we embraced.
*
Chapter 32
You are not of ashes, nor are you earth, or of the soil
You will not return to dust
You will not rot and fade away
How could that possibly be
When the earth, the world, the universe, is you?
The Desire
‘Kate! Kate! Where are you going? I’ve been looking all over for you!’
I whirl around. As I thought, it’s Paul. I’d recognised his voice.
His strident, demanding, whining voice.
He’s got a long smear of lipstick running along his throat. He looks angry, a look that changes to disbelief as he takes in the way I look.
‘What have you done to yourself? To your hair?’ he sniggers. ‘And the way you’re dressed! Did you bring all that strange getup with you? You know I don’t like you dressing like that!’
Around us, the other partygoers all seem shell-shocked, weary, ashamed. Their costumes are dishevelled and torn, with limp tails, crushed horns, broken wings. Many of them are already streaming out of the front door, eager to leave before too many questions are asked of them. They avert their eyes, fearing that someone will recognise and challenge them over their earlier behaviour.
The Desire is in my hand.
Ignoring Paul, ignoring his questions, I flip the book open.
Everything is back to how it was.
There is no uniformed girl lying in an office.
No angel lying on a floor.
No me lying on a bed.
The man and woman are amorous lovers once more. They hold each other tenderly, lovingly. As if they could never let each other go.
‘Are you ignoring me?’
Paul is glaring at me. His face stern. His lips grimly set.
‘You do know you look completely ludicrous?’ he continues sneeringly. ‘I mean, Kate – you really can’t expect me to go out with you looking like that. Don’t you realise what you’re doing? That now it’s over between us?’
When you change, when you change your idea of yourself, everything around you changes.
You can do things that you couldn’t do before.
‘Paul,’ I say, ‘I really think that’s for the best, don’t you?’
His eyes widen in surprise. He grins, waiting for the tears. For my tears.
I spin around on my heels, and head for the door.
What is beauty, what’s success, but the way someone perceives you?
If the one you desire believes you’re beautiful, then you truly are; for you have successfully attained what you most desire.
And if he or she doesn’t believe you’re beautiful?
Then obviously, your own kind of beauty is wasted on them.
Why should they determine your worth?
I’m someone.
And I know I’m beautiful.
And I know I’m a success.
And you know?
That’s good enough for me!
What more could I desire?
End
If you enjoyed reading this book, you might also enjoy (or you may know someone else who might enjoy) these other books by Jon Jacks.
The Caught – The Rules – Chapter One – The Changes – Sleeping Ugly
The Barking Detective Agency – The Healing – The Lost Fairy Tale
A Horse for a Kingdom – Charity – The Most Beautiful Things (Now includes The Last Train)
The Dream Swallowers – Nyx; Granddaughter of the Night – Jonah and the Alligator
Glastonbury Sirens – Dr Jekyll’s Maid – The 500-Year Circus
P – The Endless Game – DoriaN A – Wyrd Girl – The Wicker Slippers
Heartache High (Vol I) – Heartache High: The Primer (Vol II) – Heartache High: The Wakening (Vol III)
Miss Terry Charm, Merry Kris Mouse & The Silver Egg – The Last Angel
Seecrets – The Cull – Dragonsapien – The Boy in White Linen – Porcelain Princess – Freaking Freak
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