She stepped back and looked into his face, her perceptive gaze locked on his. “It’s because of Emmy, isn’t it?”
“Charlotte.” Abram stepped up and put his arm around his wife’s waist. “A man would never admit a thing like that to anyone. If Ben needs to go, then we will wish him well.”
She wiped at the tears on her cheeks and shook her head. “It won’t be the same here without you. You’ll write, won’t you?”
“Of course I’ll write.” He hated saying goodbye, but it was the right thing to do—wasn’t it?
“And you’ll visit us again, won’t you?” Charlotte asked.
“Montreal is a long way away,” Abram said, soothing his wife. “We can’t make Ben promise something like that.”
“I’ll try,” Ben said, and meant it.
“I saved a dance for you on my card.” Charlotte lifted the card strung around her wrist and showed him where she’d put his name. “I’m going to try and talk you out of leaving.”
“I don’t think you could.” Though, if anyone could, it would be Charlotte.
“Come,” Abram said as he whisked her away. “I want to dance with my wife.”
Ben was thankful for Abram as he watched them go. He would help Charlotte focus on something other than Ben’s departure for the evening.
The citizens of Little Falls had become like family, but his love for them was not enough to persuade him to stay and watch Emmy and Adam fall in love. Nothing could make that prospect any easier to bear.
Chapter Twenty
“You hardly touched your supper,” Mrs. Janner said to Emmy while she helped her landlady with the dishes. “Is something ailing you?”
The Janner kitchen felt cold and lifeless, with only the bare essentials hanging from pegs in the walls. Emmy opened the doors of a whitewashed cabinet and set the plates inside. It lacked the warmth of Ben’s kitchen, and the congeniality of Mrs. Carver. The house was silent, save the sound of clinking dishes and silverware. The three men were already in the parlor quietly reading.
“I’m fine.” Emmy sighed. It was easier to say she felt fine than to actually believe it. She hadn’t slept at all the night before and had paced in her room most of the day. Ben’s kiss had upset her more than it should—not because it made her angry, but because it felt right and pure and wonderful. It was everything a kiss should be and more.
Today was but the first day of countless others she would live without Ben, and it had been horrible.
“I know something’s ailing you.” Mrs. Janner wiped her hands on her apron and took the dishwater to the back door where she tossed it away from the house. When she stepped back inside she hung the pan on a hook. “Your cheeks are pale, you didn’t eat all day and you’re quieter than usual. I haven’t had much book learning, but I’m smart enough to know lovesickness when I see it.”
“Lovesickness?”
“I don’t know if it’s over Mr. Russell or Reverend Lahaye,” the lady continued as if Emmy hadn’t responded, “but I’m assuming it’s one of them.”
Was Emmy that transparent, or was the woman more perceptive than Emmy had given her credit for?
“I know I’m a bit cold,” Mrs. Janner said with a nod, “but I used to be a young lady like you, with a lot of heartache and what I thought was wisdom.”
Emmy didn’t know what to say. She hardly felt like she knew Mrs. Janner, yet the woman seemed to know a great deal about her.
“I see all the signs, Miss Wilkes.” She looked at Emmy almost as if she could see through her. “Something hurt you and now you’re trying your best to keep yourself from getting hurt again.”
Emmy nodded, unable to keep it inside any longer. “I lost my fiancé to an accident.”
“I suspected something along those lines.” The older woman crossed her arms and studied Emmy. “So now you’ve fallen in love again and you’re afraid to give your heart away, in case it’s broken again.”
“Yes.” She spoke the word just above a whisper, her heart so heavy she thought she might start to weep right there in the sparse kitchen.
“Don’t do it.”
Emmy looked up. “Don’t do what?”
“Don’t keep your heart hidden, girl. Hearts are meant to be shared and they’re meant to heal. My own heart was broken once.” She looked down, her own vulnerability evident in the way she held her shoulders. “I told myself I would never love again because I’d almost lost my mind with grief. I stayed single for a while, but then life took a turn and I found myself in need of some shelter and protection. I married Mr. Janner for convenience sake—but truthfully, I married him because I didn’t love him and I thought I’d be safer that way.”
The grandfather clock struck eight times in the dining room and Emmy waited for her to continue.
“We’ve made a life together, Mr. Janner and me, but this house lacks the love and affection my heart craves. See, I thought my heart would never heal, but it has and now it wants to be given and received, but Mr. Janner and I are too far gone for romance. If I started asking for it now, he’d scoff at me.”
Emmy frowned at the notion of living in a house without love. What kind of an existence was that?
“If your heart has already fallen for someone,” her landlady continued, “it’s too late. Even if you don’t marry him, you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life. Don’t let fear dictate your decisions. I did, and I’ve regretted it for decades.”
The thought of Ben leaving her for good was just as painful as the idea of marrying him and seeing him die. Either way, she would be without him. Yet, what if they both lived until they were ninety, and they had missed out on a life of love because she was afraid? She didn’t want to come to the end of her life and look back on decades of loneliness.
Her heart sped up at the thought of falling into Ben’s arms and telling him she loved him in return. The look in his eyes would be worth the risk of losing him, yet, if she could spend even one day as his wife, loving and being loved in return, wasn’t it worth the risk?
“It looks like one of those gentlemen I mentioned is pulling in the drive.” Mrs. Janner went to the stove and put a few pieces of kindling inside. It was her evening habit to make coffee and she went about it now as if she and Emmy had not just had such a meaningful conversation.
Nerves bubbled in Emmy’s stomach as she went to the window. Was it Ben or Adam who had come? She longed for it to be Ben, but it was Adam who alighted from the sleigh and walked up to the door.
“I’ll get it,” Emmy said, her voice a bit forlorn.
“I see it’s Mr. Russell who’s come, but from the tone of your voice, it’s Reverend Lahaye you’re pining after.” Mrs. Janner nodded. “He’d be my choice, too.”
Emmy was too miserable to smile as she walked to the door and opened it for Adam.
“Merry Christmas Eve,” Adam said, a jovial smile on his face. “I’ve brought Mrs. Janner a wreath.” He held it up and smiled at the older lady by the stove.
“Thank you, Mr. Russell.” She stepped away from the stove and took it from him. “I’ll hang it on the door.”
Emmy closed the door behind him, not feeling like entertaining tonight, especially since she needed to get to Ben somehow. “Adam, I’m not—”
“I’ve come to take you to the ball, Emmy Wilkes, and I won’t take no for an answer. You’re too young and too pretty to stay home.”
The ball. Would Ben be at the ball? Her heart sped up again. Even if he wasn’t, she could slip away to see him, couldn’t she?
But was it right to allow Adam to take her to the ball, just to get to Ben? She hesitated, yet she had never promised Adam anything but friendship.
“Do you have a ball gown?” he asked her. “Even if you don’t, the dress you have on will do.”
The dress i
n question was nothing fancy and she wouldn’t be caught in it at a ball. Excitement rushed up her spine at the prospect of going to the ball and seeing Ben—but would it be too late? Had she destroyed any chance they might have with her stubbornness? Mother always said a man’s pride was his worst enemy. Would Ben’s pride stand in their way?
She had to find out.
“I’ll be back in a moment,” Emmy said to Adam. “I do have a ball gown.”
“So you’ll come with me?” Adam’s face lit up and he grinned.
“Yes, but only as friends—you do understand?”
Adam grinned. “I’ll take you any way I can.”
“I’ll help you get ready.” Mrs. Janner left her coffee preparations and followed Emmy up the stairs to her room.
“Will Reverend Lahaye be at the ball?” Mrs. Janner whispered to Emmy.
For the first time all evening, Emmy smiled. “I don’t know, but if he’s not, I’ll find him one way or another.”
Mrs. Janner returned the smile, her face transforming into that of a young woman. “I’m happy I could help you see the truth.”
“So am I.”
It didn’t take them long working together. Soon, Emmy was resplendent in her cobalt blue ball gown, all the hoops and layers making the skirt bell out with style. They’d curled her hair and Mrs. Janner had surprised her with her adeptness at styling it into something grand. They slipped her dancing slippers into a bag, though Mrs. Janner insisted she wear her boots until they arrived at the hotel. All that was left was her jewelry, and she chose to wear the locket with the boys’ pictures inside. It went perfectly with her gown and it accented the gold earrings she’d chosen to wear. It was also a way she could keep the boys close, though they were probably already on their way south with their father.
That thought alone dampened Emmy’s excitement about going to the ball and seeing Ben again. Tears threatened to fall, but she held them back, needing to keep her composure until she could be with Ben and mourn with him.
“You look lovely, Miss Wilkes.” Mrs. Janner stood back and admired her. “My prayers go with you.”
Emmy picked up her train and smiled her thanks as she slipped out of the bedroom and went down the steps.
Adam stood in the kitchen, clutching his gloves. When Emmy appeared, he swallowed several times and fumbled over his words. “You—you look s-stunning, Emmy—Miss Wilkes.”
“Thank you, Adam.”
“I have something for you to wear.” Mrs. Janner excused herself and returned a minute later with a beautiful black wool cape, with intricately scalloped edges and embroidered flowers trailing up and down in a jet-black silk thread. “I wore it when I was a young lady. I hope it’s not too old-fashioned.”
“It’s beautiful.” Emmy allowed Adam to drape it over her shoulders and then she pulled on her long black gloves. Before she left, she reached over and gave Mrs. Janner a quick hug. “Thank you, for everything.”
Mrs. Janner used the edge of her apron to wipe at her eye and then turned back to her coffee without another word.
Adam reminded her of a skittish colt as he opened the door for her and helped her to his waiting sleigh. He hardly took his eyes off her all the way into town. When they pulled up to the Northern, he tied his horse to a hitching post and came around to help her out. “I can’t believe I’m the man who is walking in with you tonight.”
She tried to smile at his attempt at flattery, but all she could think about was Ben. What if he wasn’t inside? What if—her heart almost stopped beating when she considered that he might not want to see her at all. Yet, she had to try.
Emmy allowed Adam to whisk her up the steps and across the hotel porch. He opened the door, his eyes still on her.
“Miss Wilkes.” Charlotte Cooper stood visiting on the other side of the lobby with a gaggle of ladies, but stepped away when Emmy entered the lobby. “You look lovely tonight,” Charlotte said. “I’m so happy you decided to come.”
Emmy longed to ask her if Ben was at the ball, but Adam was beside her and she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.
“I’ll get a dance card for you.” Charlotte led her to the front desk where a young lady had a stack of dance cards ready. “You’ll be a welcome addition to the ball.”
The lady handed her a card while Emmy tried to look around the lobby for Ben. She didn’t want to appear overeager, but she also didn’t want to waste another moment.
“Will you allow me the pleasure of the first and last dance?” Adam asked.
It was only right and fair, so she nodded and allowed him to write his name on her dance card. Several dances had already commenced and been marked off, leaving a dozen or so. When she pulled the card back, she saw that he had taken a third dance, right in the middle of the evening. Three dances were only reserved for couples who were courting or engaged—neither of which described them, but she didn’t have time to discuss that now.
The clerk behind the counter took her cloak and hat, and Emmy slipped into a dressing room to change from her boots into her slippers. She looked in the mirror, smoothed down her curls and pinched her cheeks, then stepped out again, hoping and praying she’d see Ben soon.
“Shall we?” Adam appeared at her elbow, ready to take her into the ball.
She held her breath and let him escort her, not knowing how this evening would end.
* * *
The ballroom was warm and filled with the scent of mulled wine and gingerbread. A large Christmas tree had been set up behind the orchestra and the candles were lit, offering a glow to the room. Ben stood near the refreshment table with two elders from the church, explaining his decision to leave. No one had taken his announcement well and he’d been second-guessing his plans to leave so suddenly—yet, he needed to get away, the sooner the better.
From where he stood, he had a good view of the ballroom, especially the main doors. All night, he’d kept his ears on his conversations, but his eyes had been searching for Emmy. He didn’t think she’d come, but if she did, he wanted to see her.
“Do you know of anyone who could take your place, at least temporarily?” Mitch O’Hare asked Ben.
“Abram would be a good replacement until a preacher could be found.” Ben took a sip of punch and set his glass on the table, smiling at the Northern’s cook, Martha, who bustled about behind the refreshment table refilling the platters and bowls. “He might disagree, but he’s a fine preacher and knows the Word of God inside and out.”
A movement at the door caught Ben’s attention, making his breath catch and his heart pound.
She’d come.
Emmy stood in a stunning blue gown, with long black gloves extending up her slender arms. Her curls were piled in a becoming style, with ringlets teasing her neck and shoulders. From where he stood, the overheard chandelier caught the gold locket resting on her chest, making it shine.
There was an anxious look in her expression as she scanned the ballroom, her eyes not resting as she looked from face to face.
Adam Russell stood beside her and spoke into her ear, stealing her attention. Soon, he had her in his arms, twirling her around the dance floor with the other couples.
She’d told both men she didn’t want to come to the ball, yet here she was in Adam’s arms. Obviously, she’d changed her mind, and Adam had been the one to get her to come.
It felt as if Ben had been punched, square in the gut, and he knew when he was beat. Emmy had made her choice, just as he knew she would, and here was proof.
“If you’ll excuse me,” Ben said to Mr. O’Hare. “Goodbye.”
“You’re going so soon?” Mr. O’Hare frowned. “But we haven’t finished our conversation.”
“I’m sorry.” Ben was already moving away, his voice trailing behind him. Anger, embarrassment, grief—it was all mingling inside, an
d he hoped Emmy didn’t see him. He didn’t want her to know that he knew she was with Adam. A part of him wanted to save her from her own embarrassment over the whole situation.
He’d kissed her, just last night, when she’d already been in love with Adam. At least he’d never kissed Charlotte or Elizabeth—that was one regret that they didn’t share. Emmy, on the other hand—He just needed to leave.
“Ben.” Jude Allen stood by the door with his wife, Elizabeth. “I just told Lizzie the news.”
Elizabeth was a beautiful woman, with dark hair and sparkling blue eyes. Her eyebrows came together in dismay. “We’re going to miss you, Ben. I never thought we’d have to say goodbye.”
Ben didn’t want to be rude, especially to such dear friends. But here was yet another reminder of a happy couple he had been forced to watch over the years. Their growing family was a testament to their love and affection for one another. He wasn’t bitter or envious, just tired of being alone and seeing other people have what he wanted.
“Life’s like that.” Ben stood in front of the Allens, his back to the dancers. He couldn’t handle seeing Emmy look upon Adam with adoration. That would be too much.
Jude frowned at Ben, his gaze going over Ben’s shoulder. Realization dawned in his brown eyes and he gave Ben a knowing half smile. “I always told Lizzie you were too passive. Even when I wanted you to pursue her, you refused—which, I suppose, worked out for me.”
Elizabeth didn’t look shocked at her husband’s statement. Apparently they’d discussed this before. It gave Ben permission to speak freely.
“What would you have me do, Jude? I already made my feelings clear.” Clearer than he’d ever made with anyone else. “She’s made her choice.”
“Has she?” Jude lifted his eyebrows. “Then why is she scanning the room, even while she’s dancing with Mr. Russell?”
Ben didn’t want to turn and see. She wasn’t looking for him.
“Make me one promise before you leave,” Jude said to Ben. “Ask her to dance, just one more time, and tell her how you feel again. If she says no, then you have your final answer. If she says yes...well, you’ll know what to do then. Don’t be passive.”
The Gift of Twins Page 22