by Lulu Pratt
There has been a problem with one of the productions I’m involved in, and what was meant to be an easy solution, turned out to be more difficult than we thought.
My throat is hoarse from yelling, my eyes are droopy from reading, and I just want to crawl into bed and snuggle up beside Carrie.
It’s thoughts of her that helped get me through the day. Whenever I felt myself about to implode or break down, I just pictured her at home, waiting for me with my unborn child in her womb. It gives me strength and makes the terrible seem bearable.
I creep through the house and into our bedroom, a little too excited to see her. Sure enough, she is in bed already, sound asleep.
I slowly undress, careful not to wake her. As I do, I watch her sleep. She is so beautiful, so perfect. I just cannot believe how lucky I am to have her.
I have been thinking about it all day, and I think it’s time I tell her how I really feel. Sure, I’ve shown her how I feel. I’ve invited her into my home, I’ve introduced her to my friends, and I’ve showered love and attention onto her every time I can. But I haven’t actually said the words. I am going to tell her that I love her.
I was planning on doing it today, when I got home. But that clearly didn’t go to plan. Instead, I’ll do it tomorrow night. I booked a table at a nice restaurant that I know she wants to try. The mood will be perfect, and then, I will tell her everything. And I just hope that she feels the same way.
I slip into bed, snuggling up beside her. I kiss her on the cheeks, and she smiles without waking. I wrap my arms around her and lay my head gently on the pillow.
“I love you,” I whisper.
*
Dinner is going perfectly.
It started with me leaving work early for once, and it continued through to the appetizers we had and the entrees. The place isn’t too crowded either, so the atmosphere is perfect for what I plan to tell her. Really, I can’t imagine how it could have all worked out better.
“You look amazing tonight, by the way. Have I told you that already?”
“This is the third time,” she says, smiling. “But good things happen in threes, so I’m okay with it.”
She does look incredible. Her hair is straight, flowing down her back. She wears a tight black dress that perfectly shows her curves, and she offsets this with a shade of red lipstick that makes me want to lean across the table and kiss her every time I look.
“Well, you do,” I stop myself. “Ah, damn. That’s four. My bad.”
“I’m okay with it,” she says. “And besides, you are only human.”
I’m still trying to decide the right way to tell her how I feel. I don’t want to just tell her that I love her. That’s boring. I want her to feel it, to know that it’s more than just words.
“How’s everything going with the baby?” I ask. “It’s all fine?”
I regret it as soon as the words leave my mouth. What a silly question. Just because it is so obvious. I may as well wear a sign saying that I have something else on my mind.
“Yeah, it’s all good. Is everything all right?” She frowns at me. “You seem nervous.”
Of course, she has noticed that I’m not myself. I’m not exactly subtle.
“What? Yeah, why would I not be?”
“Well, first of all you keep on repeating yourself. You’ve asked me five times how I’m feeling. You’re also fidgeting. Now come on, tell me. What’s going on?”
I let out a deep sigh. It’s time.
“Carrie, you know how great these past few months have been for me, don’t you?”
“Of course, they’ve been great for me, too.” She smiles at me, and I feel my heart skip.
“One thing that we’ve never really spoken about is my past. I’m not exactly a girlfriend type of guy. In fact, I never even thought I would have a serious partner, and I never thought I would want one. But you have changed that. The last time I had a serious relationship was high school. Back then, I wanted a girlfriend, and back then, I was glad I had one.”
“Blake,” Carrie interrupts me. “Please don’t.”
“Please, Carrie, let me finish this,” I say. I’m not looking at her. If I were, I might see the tears starting to form in her eyes. “She broke my heart. After her, I never thought I would feel real feelings for another girl. But then you came along. Carrie, what I’m trying to say is—”
“Blake. Take me home. Please!”
I look up at Carrie, and my face drops. She is in tears. Literal, flowing tears. For how long or why, I have no idea.
“Carrie, what’s wrong?”
“I just want to go home.” She stands up and walks from the restaurant, leaving me where I am.
I stay seated for a moment, trying to think of what I have done. The last time Carrie acted like this was on the beach. It suddenly hits me. That night, I was talking about Lyndsey, too. That night, I was telling her about my past, and she acted the exact same way. Only after that, we didn’t speak for a week.
Is she mad that I have an ex? Is she mad that I’m talking about her?
I stand up and hurry from the restaurant. I can see Carrie standing by the car, waiting. As I reach the car, she refuses to look at me. I want to ask her what is wrong, but I don’t know if I should. I hate seeing her upset. It tears me up inside. But more than that, I hate being the cause of it.
I start up the car and begin the drive home. Carrie still refuses to look at me. I decide that I am going to ask her.
Chapter 44
CARRIE
I sit in the car in silence, looking out the window as Blake drives us home. When the car stops in front of the house, I am out the door before Blake even undoes his seatbelt. I really don’t want to talk to him, but I know he is going to want to talk to me.
The night was going so well, too. Everything was perfect. The food was amazing, the restaurant was to die for, and Blake was being so sweet. But then, for some reason he brought up Lyndsey. Again. Why does he keep bringing her up? I don’t want to act this way. I don’t want to be mad or upset at him. But when I hear him talk about her, I break down.
I storm into the bedroom, I quickly take off my clothes and put on my pajamas. I hear Blake’s footsteps coming up the hallway, and I hurry to the bed. If I climb in and close my eyes before he sees me, then maybe he won’t try to talk about what just happened.
With any luck.
I am wrapped up under the blankets when he enters. He pauses at the door, and I keep my eyes closed tight. I can feel him watching me, deciding what he should do.
“Carrie, is everything okay?” I don’t respond. “Carrie?” I stay silent.
I think for a moment that it has worked and that he has left. But the covers suddenly fly off me. I open my eyes, and he’s standing over me. He doesn’t look angry, but concerned. Worried even. My heart aches. I hate making him upset. Especially over something that he has no control.
“Carrie, seriously. We need to talk. Are you okay? Please, let me know that at least.”
I sigh, sitting up. “I’m fine.” It’s weak and mumbled. I don’t look him.
“No, you’re not,” he says. He sits on the bed by my side and reaches out, rubbing my knee. “Seriously, I’m worried, Carrie. Can you please tell me what is wrong?”
It’s not just about what he said, bringing up Lyndsey. As much as that hurts, the real reason I don’t want to talk about it is when I do, I will have to admit something that I have been hiding for a while now. That I love Blake.
If I do tell him, I will need to divulge what my original plan was, and how I have changed my mind. And then, I will need to tell him why I changed my mind. Not only will it force me to open up in a way I never have before, but it will also provide him with a perfect excuse to not return my love.
If he kicks me out of the house after tonight, there is no way I can hold it against him.
“Okay,” I sigh, sitting up. “I’ll tell you, but please let me finish, okay? And when I say what I have to say, please thi
nk about the baby and what everything we have done together means.”
“Okay,” he says. His hand rubs my thigh again, and I can see the concern in his face. I wonder how long until that turns to anger.
I take a deep breath and the words spill out. “Lyndsey, your ex-girlfriend, is my sister by adoption. She is the closest thing that I have ever had to family, and when she died, it hurt me in a way that you probably can’t even imagine. It hurt me so much that all I have wanted to do since is honor her life in any way that I knew how.”
His face drops as the realization of what I am saying dawns on him.
I continue. “When you two were dating in high school, I know that you got her pregnant, and I also know that you dumped her which caused her to have a miscarriage, which she dealt with by drinking and taking drugs – please, let me finish,” I hurry when he opens his mouth to speak.
“She was so upset. I had never seen her like that. It made me hate you, even though I didn’t know you. I didn’t realize who you were until after you asked me to have your baby. When I found out, I was upset. You have to remember that I loved my sister, and I would have done anything for her. Anyway, I realized that I could make you pay for what you did to her.”
“What are you saying, Carrie? How were you going to make me pay?”
“I was going to have the baby. I was going to take the money and the baby, and then leave. I was going to bring your child into the world, and then deny you of it, the same way you denied my sister.”
“That’s not true!” Blake suddenly stands. “I never did that.”
“Please!” I yell. “I changed my mind. I’m not going to do it anymore! I can’t. Not to you!”
“You were going to take my child from me?” He asks. “You were going to leave?”
“I was,” I say, and I feel the tears starting to come again. “But not anymore. I could never do something like that. Not to you.”
Blake sits back down. He doesn’t take my hand this time or touch me at all. Instead, he looks at me, and I can see he is angry and hurt.
“I’m going to ask you something, Carrie. Did you ever see any proof of the pregnancy? Did Lyndsey ever show you anything at all to confirm it?”
“What? No.”
“She lied to you, Carrie. She was never pregnant, and she broke up with me when I said that she was spiraling out of control with too much drinking and drugs. I don’t know why she lied, but she did.”
“No, she couldn’t have. She wouldn’t have.”
“She did.”
I look into his eyes, trying to see if he is lying, trying to see if there is any deceit behind them. There isn’t. He is telling the truth. For some reason that I can’t understand, my sister lied to me. She was never pregnant and she dumped him. And I was going to hurt the man I love because of it.
I feel sick. I feel wrong. I feel like nothing I have ever felt before.
“And you were going to run?” He asks. His voice quakes and I can hear the struggle in his words. “You were going to leave?”
“But I changed my mind,” I say quickly. I reach for his hands, and he pulls them away. “I could never do that to you now.”
I sit there looking at him, I swallow and say, “I love you, Blake.”
I have thought about telling him that I love him so many times. And every time that I do, his reaction is the same. In my imagination, he smiles, tells me he loves me too, and we hug and kiss. I never imagined the reaction that he gives me now.
He looks at me, pain stricken across his face. He looks at me as if he is seeing a stranger. As if he has no idea who I am or what I have just said.
“Carrie, I think you should stay in the guest room tonight. And I think you should stay there until the baby is born.” He stands and leaves the room. He doesn’t look at me, not once.
I stare at the doorway, as if expecting him to come back in and tell me that it’s a joke and that he loves me too. But he doesn’t. The doorway remains empty. I slowly get to my feet, and step by step, I make my way to the door.
I walk from the bedroom to the hallway, looking over my shoulder as I do. I’m not only leaving the room, but leaving Blake. He has all but told me that he doesn’t love me, not the way I love him. It’s over.
Our relationship is simply a legal contract of a surrogate pregnancy.
Chapter 45
BLAKE
I call Ben as soon as I wake up on Saturday. Well, wake up is a relative term. I have never had such a bad night’s sleep. As the sun hits my face and my eyes shoot open, I realize that I may have gotten, at most, two hours of actual sleep.
I have no idea what to do about Carrie. On the one hand, I love her, but on the other, she lied to me and betrayed me. I am at a loss, and that was what I spent the entire night thinking about.
She is in the guest room, and all I want to do is go and talk to her, but I have no idea what I should say. That is why I am calling Ben. I need someone to talk to. Maybe if I can get this mess of swirling thoughts out of my head and in the open, I can start making sense of how I feel. Maybe I can figure out what the hell I’m going to do.
Ben is a father, so he is usually up at the crack of dawn. He answers the phone in his usual cheery manner, and I tell him to meet me at the bar. I don’t ask. I tell. My voice is hard and serious, and Ben has known me for long enough to know not to argue. He tells me he will be there when it opens later this morning.
*
I walk into the bar and spot Ben straight away. It isn’t hard. He is the only other person in there. Seeing me, he waves me over. There are already two beers in front of him. It’s classic Ben. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have a friend like him in my life.
“You look like shit,” he says as I sit down. “What’s wrong?”
“Well, I feel like shit, so it’s appropriate,” I say. I take the beer and down half of it in one go. The second half disappears as I take my second mouthful. “One more,” I say to the bartender.
“Okay, obviously something is troubling you,” Ben says. “Tell Uncle Ben what it is.”
So, I do. I tell him everything. I speak for a good twenty minutes, telling him all about Carrie. And not just what happened last night, but what led up to that. I tell him about how we met and the proposal. I tell him about the payment plan, and how I have fallen in love with her. And of course, I tell him about Lyndsey, and then Carrie’s plan to take my baby and run.
“Well, that’s a story,” Ben says as I finish. “You could make a movie out of that. Don’t you run a movie-making company?”
“Funny,” I say into my beer.
“So, what’s the problem?”
I am looking down at my beer, and as I hear his question, I slowly turn to face him. He must be joking. But his expression is serious. As if he truly doesn’t know what the problem is.
“Are you kidding?” I ask. “Were you not just listening?”
“I was. But unlike you, my friend, I saw the whole picture. The forest, not the trees, you might say. I can see things objectively. I can cancel out all the noise, color and drama, and focus on what is important.”
“Which is?”
“That you two love each other. You even said that she told you she loves you, right?”
“Well, yeah.”
“And you just told me that you love her, right?”
“Yeah, but—”
“So, what’s the problem?” He asks, throwing his arms in the air as if trying to exaggerate the point.
“She lied to me. She was going to steal my baby. She was going to use me for my money.”
“Was… is the issue still there. Not anymore. And besides, in Carrie’s defense, she did have some shady intel on you that she thought was real. Can you blame her for being pissed? Also, keep in mind, she thought you were a monster to her sister, and she forgave you anyway. She fell in love with you, regardless of what she mistakenly thought you did. If that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is.”
“I guess
so,” I say, still unsure.
“And take it from a man who knows personally. Love is tough to come by. Few find it, and many who do usually fuck it up without realizing. They then spend the rest of their life wondering why they are alone. Don’t be that guy.”
“So, you think I should forgive Carrie?” I ask.
Ben is making some good points. And the more he speaks, the more I realize that I didn’t come here to complain, but to have my love confirmed. I do love Carrie. I just needed to see it.
“Of course, you should forgive her. And let’s be honest, you already have.” He winks at me. “But to be clear, I think you two are a little fucked up. You should probably sit down and have a normal conversation about all of this. But we both know this isn’t the end.”
I look at my friend with a newfound sense of respect. He has told me exactly what I need to hear to put things in perspective. His advice just kept me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
I can’t make Carrie leave. I love her, and if I push her away, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And I’ve been focusing on the wrong parts of Carrie’s confessions to me. She told me she loves me. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to hear it.
Chapter 46
CARRIE
I love Blake, and he doesn’t love me. That’s all I can think about. My head, shoved into my pillow to soak up tears as they fall, is clouded with these terrible thoughts.
I have been crying all night, and now, all morning. I can’t stop. Not only did I sleep in the spare room last night, but I will have to sleep here until the baby is born. Maybe I should just go home? But if I do that, then I won’t be near Blake, and I can’t pull myself away. I love him too much.
I should have told him everything when I first found out. I should have asked him about my sister and the pregnancy and let him explain his side of the story. If I did, then I would have learned that she was never pregnant, that everything I thought about him was wrong. If I had, I would be in his bed right now, wrapped in his arms.