“Good. Then you won’t be mad if I have whoever wins me call me farm boy when they ask me to do things and I answer as you wish to fulfill my Princess Bride fantasy.”
My head fell back and I laughed as he led me down an incline and around a corner.
I knew he was joking but just in case I made sure. “No, Coop. No. You can’t do that. Promise me.”
“Darlin’, you know me better than that. I never make a promise I can’t keep. Speaking of promises, I believe I promised you an epic, unforgettable night. And I always deliver.” He removed the bandana and I gasped as a huge smile spread on my face.
There was a blanket spread out with a picnic basket, twinkle lights, and in the center was a man holding flowers. Hayden. He was wearing jeans that were worn in all the right places and a white T-shirt that hugged his sculpted muscles.
He wasn’t supposed to be home until tomorrow. “What are you doing here?”
“I got an early flight.”
“All right, kiddos, do everything I would do,” Coop instructed as he left back the way he came.
“Thanks, Coop.” Hayden grinned.
“Thank you!” I called out.
I looked around and realized that this wasn’t just any spot down by the lake, this was our spot. The spot that Hayden and I used to meet at. It was the most secluded area at the river. It was surrounded by rocks and trees with a tiny path that led to it. You could hear anyone that was coming up. It came in handy when you needed privacy, which was in short supply back when we dated.
“I can’t believe that you did this.”
He stepped forward and pulled me into a hug. His arms wrapped tightly around me and he nuzzled his head into my neck. I melted against him and closed my eyes, still smiling from ear to ear. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to stop smiling.
His hands roamed up and down my back before dipping lower and squeezing my backside. His lips brushed against my skin in a soft caress as he rasped, “I missed you.”
The heat of his breath sent a shiver racing through me and a pulsing between my legs.
Either he had a baseball bat in his pants or I wasn’t the only one that this embrace was affecting. I speared my hands in his soft hair and fisted my fingers, tugging him in even closer to me as I rolled my hips against his straining erection. He moaned as his hands gripped my waist and he stilled my movements and stepped away from me.
His tone was somber. “As much as I’d love to show you just how much I missed you, we need to talk.”
I was about to pull the talking-is-overrated trick out of my bag again but I could see in his eyes that he was serious. Really serious. The kind of serious that made my palms sweat and my heart race. And not in a good way.
“Let’s sit.” He motioned to the blanket.
“We need to talk and sit down…this should be fun,” I teased as I followed his lead and lowered onto the blanket. He didn’t say anything at first, he just stared at me. It was clear that he was trying to get his thoughts together but every second that passed made me more and more nervous. “Did you want me to start? Because I’d like to talk about getting back to you showing me how much you missed me.”
He grinned and I felt a little bit better, but not much.
“We have a lot of unresolved issues that I think we need to deal with. I think we should’ve dealt with them a long time ago. And that’s my fault. I know that the way I left you was hurtful and wrong. And for a long time I thought that I had done it because it was what was best for you. We were both so young, and things were so serious between us. I always wanted to join the Army, and I didn’t want you to waste all those years missing me, waiting for me to call, seeing me maybe once a year. I told myself that I was doing the honorable, selfless thing because I didn’t want you to end up resenting me. And I didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on our relationship. And while much of that is true,” he paused and inhaled a slow, deep breath, “I think that the truth was that I was scared. And I ran away.”
And just like that, the smile I thought would be there forever was gone.
Chapter 25
Hayden
“Sometimes getting’ off on the wrong foot ends in a broken leg.”
~ Nora O’Sullivan
“So let me get this straight,” Jade said as she straightened her shoulders and stiffened her posture.
Shit.
I’d rehearsed this so many times in my head, I wasn’t sure what had gotten lost in translation. But she was not happy and I wanted to kick my own ass for not just letting this be a good night.
Why in the hell had I stopped the romantic direction the night was headed and derailed it by insisting that we talk?
Clearing the air was a shitty idea. I should’ve just kept doing the things that kept that smile on her face and let the talk happen naturally. Forcing us to face our past was blowing up in my face. I’d just wanted to get everything out in the open.
She took a deep breath, the kind she took when she was trying not to lose her temper. I braced myself.
“You were scared.”
That was what she pulled out of everything I’d just said. “Yes, well that was part of it, but also—”
“No,” she cut me off. “You said that all these years you’d told yourself that you were doing what you thought was best for us. For me. But then, when you were talking to your therapist you realized that really you’d just been scared.”
“Yes. I was scared.”
“You poor thing. Bless your heart.” Her tone dripped with condescension before it turned lethal. “How do you think I felt? You don’t think I was terrified? I lost a baby. Our baby. And you left.”
“I know.”
“Without even discussing it with me. You left!” Her voice was getting louder with each word she spoke. “You didn’t talk to me about it first. There was no discussion.”
“You knew that I was planning on joining. My dad was a ranger and everyone knew I want—”
“Don’t. You just admitted that you were scared and you were running away. So don’t hide behind that I-always-wanted-to-be-a-Ranger-like-my-dad bullshit.”
Shit. Why was I blowing this so badly?
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve talked to you. I should’ve told you how I was feeling. I should’ve let you know what I was going to do. And I did try, Jade. I tried to talk to you but anytime I brought up anything about the baby, about our future, you said you didn’t want to talk about it. You changed the subject.”
I could see that Jade knew that what I was saying was true, but she didn’t want to admit it. She shook her head and was silent for several minutes.
When she spoke again, her voice was quiet. Contained. Controlled. “I made you cinnamon rolls for your birthday, did you know that?”
“No.”
“No, you wouldn’t. You want to know why? Because when I snuck into your room to surprise you with them, you were gone. Your bed was made.”
The recruitment office was in Dallas, so I’d gotten up early that morning to beat the traffic. I didn’t think that was something I should point out now.
“I went to school that day not having any idea where you were or what was going on. No one knew where you were. Then you show up late that night and tell me that you’re leaving for basic soon and that we should breakup.”
“I was stupid. I’m sorry.”
“You were selfish and a coward. I’m not talking about you being scared, it’s fine if you were scared. I was scared. I’m talking about you leaving. You ran away and left me here!”
“I know. As soon as I got to basic I regretted that I’d left you like that. I tried to explain. I tried to apologize. I told you that you deserved better. I told you all that and more in the letters I wrote but you never wrote me back.”
“You’re right. I never wrote you back. Because I never read your letters.”
I blinked, thinking that I must’ve heard her wrong. “You never read them?”
�
��No. Why would I? Nothing you had to say would’ve changed that you left and I had nothing else to say to you. I said everything I needed to say before you left.”
“Are you talking about the night before I left?” It was still one of the worst nights of my life. Just thinking about it now made me sick to my stomach.
“Yep.” Her head dipped in a jerking nod.
The walls that had been crumbling were back up and they were reinforced with titanium steel.
“You said everything you needed to say?” I asked.
The cold look in her eyes gave me my answer before she even said it out loud. “Yes.”
“You told me you hated me and that you never wanted to talk to me again. You told me that I was dead to you.”
“I remember.” Her stare was stone cold. “I was there.”
She was getting more and more defensive and that was not the way I wanted this talk to go down. I wanted to get this back on track so that it didn’t lead to us not speaking for another fourteen years.
“Look, I’m trying here, Jade. I love you. I never stopped loving you. I know I fucked up. I fucked up so bad I’ll understand if you really don’t want anything to do with me. And if that’s what you really want, I’ll have no choice but to respect it. I’ll leave you alone. But I don’t think that’s what you want. I think you love me, too.”
“You think I love you, too,” she repeated in a quiet voice as tears pooled in her eyes.
She looked away from me, out toward the river and I watched as several drops fell over her bottom lids and slid down her cheeks. She made no attempts to wipe them away. Her arms hung loosely at her side. When she looked back at me, the resigned pain in her expression kneed me right in the balls.
“Do you have any idea what it was like for me when you left? Do you have any clue how hard that was for me? I didn’t just miss you. I ached for you. My body felt like it was in physical pain.” A sad smile turned up on her lips and tears continued falling as she spoke between shaky breaths. “It came in waves and sometimes…sometimes…I felt like I was drowning. And there was no one I could tell about it. Bella was gone, but even if she were here it’s not like she knew anything about us. I couldn’t talk to my brother or to my parents. I miscarried our baby and then you left. I was alone. You weren’t there. I was all alone.” Her head was shaking back and forth. “I wanted to believe that this could work, but I’m not sure. I’m not sure if I could ever really trust you again. I need to think about some things.”
She started to stand and I rose to my knees and reached out to help her.
“Don’t.” She pulled away from me.
“Let me at least take you home. You don’t have to talk to me, but let me take you home.”
“No. I’m walking. Alone.” And with that, she turned on her heels and walked away from me.
I watched her go and every cell in my body was screaming to go after her. To make her see, somehow, that I would never abandon her again. That I would never let her be alone again. But she wanted space, and I had to respect that.
Slumping back against my heels, I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. In the Army we had a saying. Prior planning prevents poor performance. I’d thought I was prepared, but obviously I wasn’t. We had another saying, too. FUBAR. It stood for fucked up beyond all repair. I hoped that’s not what we were.
But I had a feeling we just might be.
Chapter 26
Jade
“I can’t take aspirin for your headache.”
~ Nora O’Sullivan
I sat on the couch with all of Hayden’s letters spread out on the coffee table in front of me, tears running down my face and my heart clutched with grief over the time that we’d lost. He poured his heart out in these. He explained everything. What he was feeling. Why he’d done what he had. What I meant to him. How much he loved me and would always love me. How much he missed me.
I’d wasted years of my life hating him and I had no one to blame but myself. My own stupidity, or rather stubbornness, had caused me to put those letters in a drawer without tearing them open so many years ago, and now we were both paying the price and had been for a long time.
How would I ever make that up to him? To myself?
The only way that I could think of was to never let it happen again.
The doorbell rang and my heart raced. It had to be Hayden. It just had to be.
I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand as best I could, but I honestly didn’t care how I looked.
I flung open the door and my prayers were answered—it was Hayden standing there, looking so heart-stoppingly handsome that it was all I could do to keep from throwing myself into his arms.
Then I figured, why fight the feeling? So I did. He caught me and buried his head in my neck as he held me so tight I could barely breathe.
“I’m so sorry—” he began, but I cut him off with my own apologies.
“No, don’t say that.” All of my feelings came spilling out in a waterfall of words. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I cut you out of my life all those years ago because of my pride. I didn’t even read your letters. But I read them tonight. I read your heart, and it’s the best and kindest heart I’ve ever known. I love you, Hayden. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. Is that what you want?”
He looked into my eyes for a long moment, and for each one of those torturous passing seconds, I worried that I might be too late. Maybe our timing had just never synced up, and whatever this was that was happening between us was going to end here tonight. That would break my heart all over again.
He finally put me out of my misery and gave me a wide grin before pressing those smiling lips to mine in the most tender kiss we’d ever shared. When he pulled back, he brushed my hair away from my forehead and said, “That is what I want. Now. Still. Always. Forever. I want you.”
Another sob claimed me, but this time the tears were pure joy. I kissed him again—attacked him, really—pressing my lips to his with all of the pent up passion and emotion that had been building inside me since the moment I first saw him.
Then, I planted my feet firmly back on the floor, gathered up the front of his shirt in both of my fists, and yanked him firmly inside the house, kicking the door shut behind him. I let go of his shirt just long enough to reach over and firmly lock the door.
His eyes glinted with hunger at the click of the lock. I wondered if the sound was reminding him, as it was me, of the naked shenanigans in his office. Hmmm…well, those were good memories, for sure. But they were also something else.
A challenge. And competitive as I was, I couldn’t let a challenge stand. Tonight, we would outdo ourselves. I’d make sure of it. Tonight was a night that I wanted us to remember forever.
I took Hayden’s hand and looked up into his eyes. “You know what I really want to do with you right now?”
He grinned. “I have a pretty good idea.”
I reached up to run my fingers along his strong jawline. “I want to go to bed with you.” My words came out in a strangled whisper.
He stepped closer to me. “Yeah. That’s kind of what I figured.”
I laughed, a low and throaty sound. “No, smartass. I mean that literally. To the actual bed this time.”
He kissed me, then pulled back and said, “I like the way you think. Let’s go.”
With that, he swept me up in his arms and carried me down the hall toward my bedroom. When we stepped through the threshold and crossed the floor toward the bed, he leaned down and started kissing me and my heart opened, truly, for the first time since I’d shut it out of self-protection. He laid me down on the soft comforter but never stopped kissing me, not for one second.
There was a different energy between us now. Arousal was still building fast and furious, that hadn’t changed. But the raw desperation that had characterized every one of our encounters up until this point was replaced with passionate tenderness. Maybe it was because we’d finally gotten around to acknowledging
our true feelings, both to each other and to ourselves. Now we could express our feelings freely through touching, kissing, and making love.
With exquisite tenderness, Hayden undressed me. He took time to explore every new bit of exposed skin as he pulled my clothing away piece by piece, like he’d never seen my naked flesh before.
It was so hot, being looked at with all of the erotic intensity that colored Hayden’s eyes and face as he stared at my body. When Hayden looked at me, I felt like the most gorgeous girl who’d ever lived. He made me feel treasured in a way that I’d never experienced, and now that I had a taste for it I couldn’t imagine ever letting it go.
When he’d finally succeeded in removing every single article of clothing that had covered me, he stood up and looked at me, running his eyes slowly up and down my body, as if he were a computer scanning me to make a 3D model. It was like he was doing more than just looking at my naked body. He was committing it to memory.
“You’re making me so wet, looking me up and down like that. You’re not even touching me yet, but I can feel your eyes on me like you’re touching me.”
He knelt down next to the bed and I couldn’t get over how sexy, how authoritative, how commanding just his presence was. It was nice to be in capable hands. And mouth. And tongue. And dick.
“Damn, I could get used to this,” I whispered.
His eyes met mine. “That’s the plan.”
He smiled and, without another word, bent his head and took one of my nipples in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the hard bud for a long moment before moving to the other one.
Sparklers started burning in my body immediately, starting from my breasts and radiating out. I particularly felt the heat between my legs. It seemed to pool there and burn especially hot.
I writhed under his touch. My muscles couldn’t be still. Whereas just a moment ago they’d been languorous, hot and rolling slowly like lava, now they were jumpy and twitchy, like they were being fired with electrical pulses at random intervals.
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