But, in my distress, something greater than I could control took me over. I needed to leave my body, not just leave the country.
I was that close. Desperate…like a junkie on her last fix to freedom. I was freaked on adrenaline and shock. A drunken mix of temporary insanity. I wanted to die. It was the only route I could come up with to stop the pain. The one way I was going to get the Klines out of me. Death. I went to the bathroom for blades, itching to scrape those creeps out of my soul, but what I found drained more from me than a million gutted souls combined.
Opal had beaten me to it.
My sweet, innocent baby girl. Opal. Her pale skin and her white hair danced in the tub, forming an anemone circle around her blue-gone-gray eyes. The toaster was in there too, a deadly fixture, its gleaming surface presenting a reflection of her small, porcelain breasts.
She must have seen it on TV, the idea of killing oneself this way, then copied it. She did that with everything; it was how she learned. It wouldn’t have worked in any other house per Mom’s brother, who’s an electrician two towns over. Our house was dust old, wind weeping through cracks, cheaply built, and as far as electrical went, well, let’s just say it went with the flow right through Opal’s veins.
She’s gone. But is Rebel? Have I lost him for good?
Chapter 25
Rebel
Etta pats my hand. “You haven’t said much tonight. You okay?”
“Just working through stuff.” I huff out a frustrated breath.
I don’t really know what to do now. How can you hate and love someone? How can you want to push someone away as much as you want to pull them in?
“Ruby stuff?” she asks.
I fold the magazine into thirds and swat a fly. Then I flick it off the table. “Yeah.”
“Did you see her tonight?”
“I saw her, all right. Saw and heard things I wish I hadn’t.”
Etta gathers her playing cards, shuffles them, and then lays another hand. “You saw that with me once too, and you found a way to forgive me and love me for the other person I was.”
“You’re a good person. It wasn’t that hard.”
“So is Ruby.”
“That is going to take a lot of convincing.”
Etta reaches for her sherry. “And why’s that?”
“She told me she fucked the Kline boys on graduation night. I never told you this, but she was going to be mine that night. Then I found you in the bedroom in your lingerie and I freaked out and ran.”
Etta shifts in her chair, crossing her legs. A few seconds later, she reaches her hand out to mine and we lock eyes. Hers are filled with layers of fear.
“Because the idea of who I was terrified you?”
“Well…yeah. But it was temporary.” I squeeze her hand. I don’t ever want her to think anything other than how proud I am of her and how much I love her.
“Of course,” she says, her gaze dropping from mine.
“Were you going somewhere?” I’m not sure why I never asked this question before. Maybe it felt too intrusive.
She pulls her hand away, tapping her red nails on the edge of the table. She quietly offers, “I was meeting someone.”
“Who?”
She pours another splash of sherry into her crystal glass then takes a few sips, her hand shaking.
“You don’t need to answer that,” I say when she rests her elbows on the table and buries her face in her palms.
“Dick Kline.”
“What?” I work to close my mouth, though it’s a struggle. “Jesus Christ. You were meeting him and she was fucking them? What the hell?” I thrust my hands through my hair. “Can you shed more light on…you and Dick?”
“We’re complicated.”
“No shit. That why he and his wife split?”
“Dick and Shirley had an arrangement, though she doesn’t know the whole truth. It wasn’t exactly a typical affair.” Etta motions her hands in the air.
“Got it. You know what’s fucked up? I was supposed to meet Ruby and Opal behind the school to run the stairs that night. I never made it because I was running the other way. I’m guessing that’s why she decided to give it up to them. I’m late one fucking time and I get punished. The fuck does that say about what we had?”
“Rebel…it’s easy to assume things about people. Try not to.” Etta fidgets with her necklace as I gather my irrational thoughts.
I want to ask more, but the distressed look on her face stops me. Damn the fucking Klines.
“You’ve always said that, and I try not to assume, but come on.”
“Maybe you don’t know the whole story…about anyone.”
“Maybe I don’t give a shit.”
“But you do. You always have. That’s why you’re okay with who I am. And that’s why she’s come back.” She places her hands on the table, palms up, and I place my hands on hers. “You love her?”
“Hate her right now.”
“You hated me for a long time too. You hated who I needed to be. But, inside, you knew better.”
Lifting my hands from hers, I grab the bottle and guzzle half of my beer, remembering the hell our family went through when Rocket decided to become Etta. Why? Mostly our inability to accept who she was. We were idiots, me and my mom. We thought her change would make everyone think odd of us. What was it our business to judge her truths? And why the fuck am I judging Ruby? It’s like I can’t put this thing together in my brain. I know what forgiveness is. So why can’t I give it to the woman I love the most?
“I did,” I finally say. “It was a tough thing to accept.”
“I know you know this, but I was going to take my life if I couldn’t be me. Because it wasn’t worth living a lie like that.”
I nod, and we lock eyes. My heart sinks at her words and the idea that her need was that intense.
“What stopped you?” I ask.
“After you took off, I did too. Dick and I were together...and a series of events occurred that stopped me. Things I can’t share.”
Gilbert scratches the door. I saunter to the screen and push it open for her. When the door slams, I brace myself on the jamb, watching moths circle the porch light. Dick and my father—who was dressed as a woman—were together? This is a new twist.
I glance over my shoulder. “I respect that.” I’m such a hypocrite. I respect Etta for her silence, but not Ruby? Why?
Etta scoots her chair back and comes to my side. Worry marks her forehead when she encloses my jaw in her hands. “Try to see her and consider that you don’t have all the answers. Maybe Ruby doesn’t, either. Maybe she can’t tell you more than she has. There is always a reason the whole truth isn’t shared. You forgave me. Give her the same respect. That’s what you do when you truly love someone.”
“You are really into your feminine side these days.” Laughter rumbles in my chest. “But you’re right, and I’ll consider your advice. It might take me a little while like it did with you.”
“That’s okay, just don’t block her out of your life like you almost did me. You’ve got a good heart.” A satisfied smile settles on her face.
“How come you never told me ’bout you and Dick?”
“He’s your godfather and…” She blushes.
“It’s cool. I get it.” I don’t think I want to know more than my imagination is producing. Christ, just when I thought this town couldn’t get any more bizarre.
“You see how you let that slide? Try it with Ruby.”
“I’ll try harder.”
Etta cuts a piece of pie for herself then one for me. I take the plate and the fork she pushed toward me and dig in as I lean against the counter and watch her busy herself.
“Rebel, thank you for being so human.” Her eyes tear up. And deep under my skin and along my arms, everything prickles when my hair stands. “What would I have done had you not come around?”
“It took me a bit, but yeah, I knew it was gonna happen. And I wanted you to be happy. And looks li
ke Dick stood up too. He basically funded your entire surgery. Though maybe it was couched in the whole godson thing to hide the fact?”
“There are many moving parts. Some aren’t mine to tell.”
We eat our pie in silence for a minute, my brain jumping everywhere. The murder-suicide. The trusts. Me running away from Etta. Ruby running away from what? Why did she do what she did? Forgive her.
“You still see him?” I ask.
Etta clears her throat, one hand covering her mouth. She hesitates then stares at the floor and softly says, “I do.”
How have I not known this all these years? “You love him?”
Etta shakes her head, a coy smile forming when she looks up. “Since high school.”
“But you both married and had kids.” I drag my fork along the edge of the pie, needing another few bites.
“Sometimes you do what you think you’re supposed to do. What society expects. Then you grow up and look inside and do what you need to. What you have no choice about if you’re willing to be truthful. Not everyone is. I’ve spent my adult life soul-searching. For a long time, I soaked in a bathtub of guilt and worry. Loving without uncertainty seems impossible for me. So, I’ve learned, to be happy, I simply love.”
“Do you feel guilty because you’re happy?”
“Sometimes.” She rubs one temple and shrugs. “Yes, often.”
When we lock in a stare, I know she’s telling me not only her truths, but some of mine too. Can I forgive Ruby? It was so long ago. She was young, and maybe I don’t know what was behind her and the Kline boys getting together. Maybe it’s not my place to know, though it hurts like hell that I feel betrayed. It’s different than how I felt about Etta, it’s more painful.
“I need to give that a try. Simply loving. I need her.”
“I know you do, son.” Etta’s lips form a thin line that curls into a smile of encouragement. “And she needs you, especially now that she’s opening up and sharing things. That’s the hardest part. You abandon her now and you might not get the whole truth. There is always more. And maybe you won’t like it, or maybe it’ll make your union stronger. Try to find a way to love instead of working so hard to dig up the past. You might not like what you find once it’s exposed. The past can be ugly, and it can’t be changed. Are you willing to give up a future with her because you can’t neglect what’s done and over with? That’s most people’s problem. And you, Rebel, are not most people.”
“Nor are you.” I chuckle, amazed by the depths of our relationship and how it continues to grow. “I admire you, Etta.”
“Don’t put me on a pedestal. There are things in my past I’m not proud of. But I’m not going to dwell. I’m going to live.”
Now, I feel like an ass that I left Ruby the way I did. And the things I called her. Fuck, they were vile. I reacted like a seventeen-year-old punk. I’m not where I need to be yet, right in the mind and okay about hearing this stuff. And I’m not ready to consider that Ruby didn’t fuck them to spite me. Crazy thing is, Ruby isn’t a spiteful person. She wouldn’t have done something that far out to get back at me for not showing up for her and Opal’s run. And that’s the piece of the past I can’t let go. Why the hell would she have done what she did if she didn’t have a decent reason for it?
Chapter 26
Ruby
Hazel drops me off at midnight. I stroll in to find Mom donning a colorful caftan as she grooms her wigs in the kitchen while dancing around to old Fleetwood Mac tunes. After kissing her on the cheek as I pass her, I snag an orange cream soda from the refrigerator.
“I didn’t expect to see you tonight.” She clinks her grape soda to my bottle.
“No?”
“I thought you’d stay at Rebel’s.”
“I wasn’t invited.” I huff out a sigh. “I don’t think Rebel wants me any longer. I singlehandedly sealed the deal tonight.”
“That’s nonsense. Lenny says you had a fight.”
“What?” I’m starting to believe in ghosts. I lean against the counter as she positions bobby pins on a wig in a tidy row.
“Your father tells me you and Rebel had a scribble.”
I chuckle. “A scuffle? Yeah, you could say that.”
Mom scoops up a handful of popcorn then proceeds to eat one piece at a time, her tongue poking out to stick to each one like an insect. “Stop correcting me all the time. You know what I meant. Now, ask me a stupid question.”
“What makes you think Rebel and I fought?”
“That is a stupid question, Ruby Mae. I already told you your father clued me in.”
“Yes, we got into it. And it was uglier than... It was ugly.”
“You know what Lenny would say?” Mom shakes salt across the popcorn. “You look like you been ‘et by a wolf and shit over a cliff.”
We laugh so hard that Mom ends up in a wheezing fit. Dad was raised in the South, so everything he said came out coated in Southern charm, and Mom continues to use all his sayings.
“That’s how I feel.” I reach into the bowl of popcorn and scoop a handful. “Have you ever told somebody something then regretted it?”
“Of course I have. Everyone does, and then you make some men.” Mom purses her lips as I smirk.
“Make some men? Are you going to make some men with anyone soon? I might be able to offer a suggestion.” I toss a piece of popcorn in the air then catch it in my mouth.
Mom does the same, telling me she’s won after she scores six catches to my two. “I have someone in mind I need to make some men with.”
“Amends, Mom. Make amends.”
“Maybe you should make some men too and stop correcting my linkage.”
Linkage? I think fast. Language? Good God. What has happened to her brain since I’ve been gone?
“What do you suggest I do?”
“Go fuck his brains out. Show him what he needs.” She doesn’t even crack a smile.
But I do. Then soda sprays out of my mouth when she fist-bumps her open palm.
“What did you say, and where did you put my mother?”
“Lenny told me to say that,” she whispers and winks. “I don’t tell Lenny no. Deads always get the green light.”
“I think you’re on to something, Mom. Thank you.”
“I think you’re going to be onto something too, or maybe under something. And you’re welcome.”
The rattle of glass mirrors my trembling hands when I knock on Rebel’s front door. It’s pitch-black in there. No lights. No sound. What if he’s with the pretend girlfriend and they’re making it not so pretend?
Like a thief seeking the fattest rock in a diamond mine, I turn the whiney, brass knob on his front door then quietly open the screen.
One slow breath in, two steps across the threshold, and a screech slashes through the darkness. A fur ball slaps my leg with a clawed paw, bouncing off me then scrambling toward a wall. Well, this is a good start.
Having no idea where I’m going, I tiptoe up creaky wooden steps. My cringes and nerves meet in a tango, shooting daggers into my threadbare heart.
Please, Rebel, don’t push me away when I climb into your bed bare naked, bare souled, my heart on the chopping block, your massive, muscled grip on the axe handle once again. Please believe in us and try to hear the quiet truths my heart is whispering to yours. You’ve always been mine, you’ll always be mine. Rebel Field, turn your hate inside out and see me. See the girl you love, see that she wasn’t a whore, but rather…yes…a martyr.
Chapter 27
Rebel
My dream is the same as it’s been for years. Ruby naked in my bed. My match and the missing piece to my internal puzzle. It’s always real, but never more than tonight. Her velvet breasts pressing against my back, her hips nestled against my ass.
“Ruby, baby.”
“Come to me,” she says.
Crickets sound and hot night winds breathe through the window, playing alongside her command.
“I didn’t mean to hurt
you. I was answering you,” she says.
Am I still dreaming? While shifting across my wet pillow, I groan. God, this feels real. Feels like she’s next to me. Her scent invades my senses, her touch wrapping me in ropes, knots, and impossible-to-undo entanglements.
“I love you, Ruby Mae. Love you more than all the lovers in the world could love their one true love. Why did you hurt me? You’re all I ever wanted. Every star to each constellation… All beats to all hearts.”
“Why didn’t you come to me that night?” she asks. “I waited and waited for you.”
Hot, naked skin presses to mine. Skin so embedded in my memory that it couldn’t be bleached. Skin I crave, hate, love, loathe, need, want.
“Ruby.” My heart races.
“Rebel.”
“What are you doing in my bed?”
“Saving us,” she whispers.
“Baby, I can’t…” Unless.
“I said I’d ask once…for sorry. And you left me. I’m asking once for a make love to me even though you still owe me an I’m sorry. This is it for us. We can start here or say goodbye here. I’ve pushed every worry and fear aside to do this. I’m giving you my last drops of belief. And I’m scared shitless. If you refuse me now, while my soul and body are bared, you will, I promise, never see me again. Think hard before you say no.”
I turn and pull her to me, my chin resting on her head, my hands on the ass I’ve wanted to own for long years. Ruby Mae Rose is naked, in my arms, tempting my heart and my soul. My character and my resolve. I dig my heels in deep for long, agonizing seconds. Then I edge to the clearing, free-falling into the one woman who owns my soul regardless of her sins.
“Ruby.” I tip her chin up, nip her top lip, and then part them with my tongue.
Our kiss sweeps through me, force-of-nature strong. Nothing I know, nothing I’ve felt in my life, comes close to the intense surge of carnal lust coursing through my veins. Wet, soft, discovering lips meet ache, desire, and pent-up hunger. I love her for finding me, for breaking into my house and my heart. For forgiving...and remembering. For seeing a future I overlooked. My hand still hurts from the hole I dug to bury our love.
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