by Carly Fall
She often wondered what she would say if she could talk to her mom again, just
one last time. She knew she would simply ask, why? What was so terrible and so
monumental that she had to end her life? She often wondered if she would yell at her mother, cry, or maybe if she understood more, she would be able to forgive her.
And she wondered what her mother would say to her. Beverly remembered her
mom’s pride when Beverly had graduated from medical school, how she loved to brag that her daughter was a doctor. She imagined the disappointment in her mom’s eyes if she knew that Beverly had taken a long tumble from the pedestal her mother had put her and her accomplishments on, and landed flat on her back on the bottom floor of life.
She thought of the people in this house who cared about Hudson. It seemed to her
all of them did, but especially Abby and Noah. And the thought of subjecting them to what she had been through really pissed her off.
How dare he?
She hated when she was wrong, and her judgment of this situation had been off-
the-charts wrong. She had thought him selfless, but he wasn’t. He was the most selfish person she had met in a long, long time.
She had a brief flash of uncertainty, as a part of her said that there had to be a reason for his longing for death that required her compassion. That gave way to her desire to confront her mother. Not being able to ask her mom the why’s of her suicide fueled her, and she had to ask Hudson. She had to know why that man who seemed to have it all
—people who cared about him and visa versa, the looks, the money…everything most
people wished for—why he felt the need to end his life. No, she would confront Hudson, because what he wanted to do was cruel to the people who cared about him. She thought about Faith and Abby, and her heart cringed thinking about the hell they would
experience if Hudson was successful. She took a deep breath to try to calm her temper, and she heard the elevator open.
Hudson had picked a really bad time to walk through the door. This crap he was
trying to pull hit way, way too close to home, and she was determined to set him straight.
Chapter 19
“Hi, Beverly,” Hudson said calmly as he gingerly walked into the room. He had
originally wanted to take a nap, but the look she was giving him stopped him dead in his tracks.
“Hello, Hudson,” she said with the same calm.
As the words registered in his ears, he realized that there was a bit of a storm in that calm voice. Kind of like standing in front of an oncoming hurricane. You just knew the bad shit was coming, and all you could do was wait.
He studied her, his fatigue gone. She stood across the room, her back ramrod
straight, her hair up in that adorable little bun on the top of her head. A few wisps had escaped and freely hung down framing her face, which was a mask of calm, yet her green eyes seemed a couple of shades darker as they blazed in fury.
“Is there something wrong, Beverly?” he asked, almost afraid of the answer. He
didn’t want to tango with this side of her—the side that looked like she could take a chunk out of his hide with a couple of well-placed words.
She continued to stare at him, and it became very apparent that, yes, there was
definitely something wrong.
“How dare you?” she said in a low, calm voice, and he found himself wishing she
would yell because it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable.
“Excuse me? How dare I what?” He thought of all the things he had dared. He
had dared to think about kissing her. What she looked like naked. The fact that he totally got off on her watching him with another woman while he was thinking about her. The heat in her eyes…
“I’m talking about the fact that you planned to commit suicide. That you lied to
those people up there who love you dearly about why you checked into that hotel.”
Hudson felt like he had been hit head-on by a tank, his breath going out of him,
his head spinning. How had she known?
“I found the letter when I was cleaning,” she said quietly, answering his unasked question. After a moment, she stormed over to him and wagged her finger in his face, her voice low and angry. “And I just have one question for you: how dare you? How dare you take your life and give those people up there a blow that they may never recover from? Are you that selfish?”
That was technically three questions, but he thought it was probably best not to
argue that point right now. He let out a long breath and felt himself deflate. He went over to the bed and sat down, holding his head in his hands, a flurry of emotions going through him. He felt angry that his secret had been found out, and yet, he was shameful as well.
He had kept his pain to himself for so long, and yet the pretty Beverly had outed him on his escape from it within forty-eight hours of knowing him.
Strangely, hot on the heels of the anger and shame was an immense relief.
“Whatever it is, it’s not worth dying for, Hudson. Especially by your own hand.”
He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t hear her move over to the bed. He felt a
slight shift in the mattress as she sat down, and then felt her gentle hand on his back. He didn’t deserve her comfort.
“Why haven’t you talked to someone, Hudson? Why haven’t you gone to a
counselor?”
Why indeed. What was he supposed to say? Hi! I’m from a different planet, and we love our females a little bit differently that you folks on Earth. In fact, you people have no idea how to love a female. See, when we lose our mates, the female we love, we become an emotional and physical wreck. There is no “other” or substitute for us. We can’t love another the way we love our mate. I’m tired of the pain I feel because of it.
He doubted a prescription of anti-depressants was going to help.
Instead of answering her, he just shrugged. Once again, he had to keep things to
himself. Beverly couldn’t know about him and his fellow Warriors.
However, he realized it would feel good to just say fuck it and let go of his
charade of being a solid, steady guy. He longed to tell her everything, every sordid detail, and let the chips fall where they did.
“Look, Hudson,” she said in a soft voice, “this…this hits really close to home for me. My mother committed suicide, and…well, let’s just say that it set off a string of events that has…made my life what it is today. Which isn’t a pretty picture. I’ve lost everything, Hudson. Everything. So, I’m begging you, please don’t do this. Your actions will hurt the people in this house more than you can ever imagine. You can get through whatever it is that has brought you to this point, but don’t ask the people here to get over your suicide, because it doesn’t happen.”
He stared at the floor as he listened to her words, curiosity swirling through him.
Of course she would be upset finding the note and seeing what his intentions were if her mother had committed suicide. Yeah, it hit really close to home for her. He also wondered what wasn’t so pretty about the picture of her life. She had a noble purpose in the world
—she was a doctor. He wanted to know the details of this whole “I’ve-lost-everything”
stuff she mentioned.
He turned to look at her. “I’m sorry, Bev. I’m sorry you’ve been caught up in this mess.”
She studied his face, and he watched as her bluster dissipated. “Just promise me
you won’t do anything stupid, okay Hudson?”
Stupid. Was wanting to get away from his pain stupid? He didn’t think so, and he
just didn’t see any other way out of his predicament. He was so tired of the charade he had been playing, the façade he had erected. He had just wanted it all to end and had been set on his course until Rayner came and messed it all up. But now there was a seed, however small, of a
will to live.
“Promise me, Hudson,” she said, staring at him. “You have no idea what your
suicide will do to those people upstairs who love you. No idea. I do. Don’t put them through it.”
He could tell she wasn’t letting him out of this one. He would have to find another way to deal. What that would be, he had no idea. Cooking, fighting, fucking, and working out…what would be next? He didn’t know, but it would have to be something, because he was about to make a vow to Beverly, and he didn’t break his vows.
He put his hand on his heart and gave her a slight bow. “I promise, Bev,” he said quietly, then met her eyes again. The relief he felt that his secret had been discovered was immeasurable, and his little fledgling of a seed of wanting to live sprouted a little higher.
Finally, someone knew exactly how fucked up he was, and to what extent he was willing to go to get away from himself.
And it felt really, really good. His pride had stopped him from ever telling one of his fellow Warriors. Besides, what could they do for him? He imagined they would feel bad for him, but besides Talin and Cohen, none of them had ever really been in love prior to Abby and Faith showing up, so they wouldn’t understand. Prior to Abby, he supposed that Noah would give him an uppercut and tell him to get over it. But now that Noah was mated, Hudson knew he could understand. But before Abby? Yeah, the guy would have tried to beat it out of Hudson.
So here sat Beverly, who had discovered his greatest secret and pretty much
flayed him, exposing his raw insides and just how far at his own personal rock bottom he had fallen.
Feeling a bit of elation, what he did next surprised them both.
He took her in his arms and gingerly drew her to him. He heard her breath catch,
and then her arms slowly snaked around his neck.
It felt good. He didn’t know a lot about her, but she wasn’t some miscellaneous
stranger, as was usually the case with the women he came in contact with. Her body was small and warm and very comforting, like hot chocolate and a warm fire on a bitter cold night.
“Thank you, Beverly,” he said softly. “Thanks for everything.”
He heard the smile in her voice when she said, “I didn’t do much, Hudson.”
He chuckled and inhaled her pretty scent. Something like springtime-fresh and
slightly flowery. “On the contrary, Bev. Give yourself some credit. You saved my life.
You stitched me up, and now you made me vow not to end my life. I don’t take vows lightly, Bev. So yeah, you’ve saved it twice.”
She laughed and held his neck a little tighter. After a moment, he let go of her, and they were eye to eye, their faces just inches apart.
“I’m here if you need someone besides your friends to talk to,” she said in a low voice.
He couldn’t keep his eyes from her lips. They were full and soft and…well, they
were just so damn kissable. Her breathing was coming in shallow spurts, and he watched her eyes grow darker. He found it interesting the way the color changed depending on her mood. When she was angry or…feeling desire? Was that what he was seeing? Whatever it was, her eyes became a very dark green. When she laughed or smiled, they seemed to lighten to something like a fern or asparagus. He wondered what she would say if he said her eyes were an asparagus green. He smiled that he could equate the color of someone’s eyes to food, and he wondered if that was a sign of an excellent chef or just fucked up brain neurons.
A real smile. He smiled because he was…happy?
Huh.
Shit, he hoped his lip didn’t split again with this smiling stuff.
He remembered she had said something about starting over. Did that starting over
include an abusive husband or lover? Did starting over mean she was running from
someone or something? He needed to know exactly what it meant, and if he could help her, he would.
Well, well, well. She had found out his secret, gutted him, exposed him raw. Yet, she had only offered a glimpse at her poker hand. He decided he needed to know more about the elusive Beverly and this “starting over” business, not to mention the “I’ve lost everything” stuff.
“I’ve showed you mine, Beverly, although against my will. Now it’s your turn to
show me yours.”
Her eyes flared, confusion dancing across her face, and he wondered exactly what
she was thinking.
“Secrets, Beverly. Secrets,” he clarified.
As he gently pulled her back against the mattress so they were side by side,
shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the ceiling, he could feel Beverly’s uncertainty, but he wasn’t about to let this one go.
“I’m really not comfortable talking about things, Hudson.”
He let out a bark that sounded a little bit like a laugh. “And you think that little discussion we just had was easy for me? Do you think it’s easy to be found out like that?
C’mon, Bev. Maybe I can help you in some way. I want to help you.”
She continued to stare at the ceiling, and he wondered if she was going to talk.
“Seriously, Hudson, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
Turning his head, he studied her profile. “Why don’t you start with what
happened with your mom,” he said quietly.
After a moment, she closed her eyes and started talking.
***
As Hudson listened to her quiet voice, the demon pain inside him was replaced
with a stark raving rage aimed at himself. He had only felt this type of anger when confronted with a Colonist.
He had to admit, it was a nice change from the pain.
Describing her mother’s suicide and the effect it had on her had made him cringe.
How could he have been so selfish? The hurt and betrayal she spoke of made him hate himself just a little bit more. If he had done even a tenth to Abby of what was done to Beverly…
The thought shook him to his core, in a very unpleasant way. Yes, he knew Abby
would be sad, but he figured she would eventually get over it. What if she didn’t? What if she fell into a life of drugs…or worse? What if he damaged her beyond even what Noah could do for her? Her mother had been taken from her, brutally murdered, and here he was, thinking about taking his own life…willingly.
Jesus. He was such a selfish prick. To think he could have sent his beloved Abby
on a downward spiral as deep and ugly as Beverly had been on…he vowed to himself he would simply have to find another way to deal with the carnage Iris had left in his heart and soul.
As he berated himself over and over, raining a litany of silent curses on himself she said, “And I’m not a doctor.”
Chapter 20
Beverly shut her eyes, unable to believe that she had actually come clean with
everything. Everything. She cringed inwardly as she wondered what his reaction would be to that little bomb.
“I’m sorry?” he said quietly.
“I’m not a doctor, Hudson.”
Hudson went quiet for a moment. “Well, why…were you…why did you tell Faith
you were? If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have had to come here.”
Now it was Beverly’s turn to go quiet. “I was once, Hudson. My medical license
was stripped from me when I was caught stealing pain pills from the hospital pharmacy. I was a drug addict. I don’t know why I told Faith I was a doctor. All I can say was that it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Faith seemed panicked, but very sweet. I felt I had to help her.”
Hudson nodded, imagining the big, brown puppy-dog eyes that Faith had laid
upon Beverly. “How did…how did it all happen?”
“It was pretty simple. I was walking back to my room, and Faith ran into me. She
said her friend needed a doctor, and that was about it.”
He was quiet again, obviously processing what sh
e had said. “Well, Bev, you’re
still a doctor. You care about people, you want to help them, and you’re a badass with a needle and thread.”
She didn’t say anything, but stared at the ceiling.
“Not having some stupid piece of paper doesn’t mean that you aren’t a worthy
person, Bev. It doesn’t define you. You may not be able to practice medicine, but that doesn’t change the person you are. It’s not everything you are. There’s more to you than the title of doctor.”
She felt her body relax, and tears formed in her eyes. It felt good to be accepted for what she was, flaws and a tragic, rocky past included.
After a while she whispered, “Thank you,” threading her fingers through his.
“For what?” he mumbled, almost asleep.
“For just being so accepting of me.”
He acknowledged her words with a squeeze of her hand, and they both let the
exhaustion they shared lull them into a deep sleep.
Chapter 21
Hudson woke, his neck stiff, his fingers still laced with Beverly’s. He checked the clock which read five. He was guessing afternoon time, which meant they had slept most of the day away.
He looked at Beverly and debated waking her, but decided against it. She looked
so peaceful and calm, and he didn’t want to disturb her. From what she had described, she hadn’t had any peace and calm in her life in quite a while.
He thought about their chat, and how different this woman was from the rest of
the women in his life. He was actually getting to know Beverly, not just have sex with her. The last time he had done that, he ended up falling in love. Iris. The thought of her name brought a scorching pain within him, and not of the heartburn kind.
He certainly wasn’t going down that road again. No. Fucking. Way. Even if there
were room in his decrepit heart for love, he wouldn’t let it happen. Chances were too good that things would get even worse for him. He would never love unless he was loved first.