A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

  He looked at me in shock. “You’re stupid, bro. Really stupid.”

  Yeah, I was stupid. I just told my best friend to go for it with the woman I loved, and it hurt like hell.

  I didn’t know what to do when I left Peterson’s. I didn’t want to go home. Even though the thought of spending the day with Gabby made me smile, I knew that we needed time apart, time to think about what had happened last night. My thoughts were consumed by the taste of her lips, her beautiful body, and the feel of her warm soft skin against mine. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t get the pain in hers eyes out of my mind when I told her “no”, or the pain in her voice this morning. How could she actually think that she wasn’t good enough? I just wished that she could understand that she was too good. Too good for me. Too good for anyone. Maybe I should just say “fuck it” and take that next step with her, but the thought of losing everything we had scared me to death. My body ached for her but, once we crossed that line, there would be no turning back. I felt like I was losing my mind, not knowing what to do. I dialed my brother’s number, feeling the need to talk to someone.

  “Fuck,” I whispered when I got his voicemail, hanging up without leaving a message. The only other person that I could vent to was the one that I was momentarily trying to forget. I pulled up my contacts in my phone and surprised myself with the name that I brought up.

  “Will? Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, Dad. Just wanted to see how Florida was.” He and my mother rented a condo every year, right after Christmas until spring. I noticed that, every year, they would stay down there a little longer. It was my dad’s way of trying to talk my mother into moving down there permanently.

  “Much warmer than up there! Your brother said you got more snow.”

  “Yeah. Just a few inches.”

  “Well, that’s a few inches too much for me. Did you get the message that your mother and I left you wishing you a ‘Happy birthday’?”

  “Yeah, I did. Thanks.”

  “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “Well, you should really come down for a couple of days. Herb Glassman, our next door neighbor, has a beautiful boat that he’s dying to take me out on. Take a few days off and come. It will do you good to get away, and your mother would be ecstatic.”

  “Yeah, maybe I will. Alright, Dad. I gotta run.”

  “Okay. See ya, Will.”

  I hung up the phone, feeling a little shocked. I never called my dad unless I absolutely needed to. My mother was always the go-between for the two of us. But, ever since the night at the hockey game, something was different between us. And it was all thanks to one person, the one person that always crept back into my mind and my heart no matter how hard I tried to stop those thoughts - my Gabby girl.

  Brian had texted and ask me to meet him at the coffee shop by his apartment. I already knew what he was going to say. I got there ahead of him and took a seat at the empty table, replaying last night over and over again. I closed my eyes, remembering how my body responded to Will's touch, knowing that I would never feel that again.

  I forced my best smile when I saw Brian entering. He took the empty seat across from me. “So, how's your lip?” I asked.

  “Fine,” he smiled. I couldn't help but think that although his smile was nice, it was nothing like Will's. I found that whenever I was with Brian, I was constantly comparing him to Will. I hated that. He looked down at the table and looked back up at me. “Gabby, I really like you and I think you are a great girl.”

  “But?” I asked, raising my eyebrows at him.

  “I think we both know the answer to that question.” I sighed heavily. I never wanted to hurt Will. That was never my intention. But the reality of it was that Will and I would never be a couple, and it wasn't for my lack of trying. It was him and his fucked up way of thinking that he always had to protect me, even from himself. “Look, Gabby, I don't know what's going on between you two, but I think I know Will pretty damn good. That boy is in love with you.”

  I let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Will doesn't fall in love.”

  “Yeah, that's what I used to think, too.”

  I could feel the tears rushing to the surface. I quickly looked away and dabbed them with a napkin. “He’s not in love with me, Brian. All we'll ever be is friends. That's what he wants and I have to respect that.”

  He shook his head in disbelief. “Man, I don't know what his problem is. He's a stupid ass. If it were anyone else, I would say ‘fuck it’, but Will is like a brother to me. You do understand where I'm coming from, don't you, Gabs?”

  “Totally.” The last thing I wanted to do was drive a wedge into their friendship, but I knew that if I ever wanted to move on with my life, I was going to have to move out of Will's place. He would continue to have a problem with anyone that I dated, and I would continue comparing every guy to him. I could feel a heaviness in my chest at the mere thought of it, even though I knew it was for the best.

  Brian and I walked out of the coffee shop together. “Need me to flag you down a cab?” he asked.

  “Umm…no, that’s okay.”

  He took my hands in his. “You are a great girl, Gabby. And I know the last thing you need is another guy friend, but I still hope you consider me one.”

  “Of course, I do, Brian. A friend who knows how to give a pretty mean kiss,” I giggled.

  He smiled. “God, I hope my boy comes to his senses.”

  I shook my head as the smile slowly faded away. “Friends,” I said, extending my hand to him.

  “Friends.” He pulled me into a hug.

  I watched him walk down the street and sighed. I pulled out my cell phone, feeling sick to my stomach as I sent Callie a text.

  When can I move in?

  “Hey there!” I said to Will as I entered his apartment, trying my hardest to pretend that everything was normal.

  “What’s up?” he asked, barely lifting his head from the television.

  I threw my coat on the chair and took a seat next to him. “Whatcha watchin’?”

  “Hockey,” he said, like it was effort to answer.

  I cleared my throat and sucked in my bottom lip. “Will?” He turned his head and finally looked at me. His beautiful blue eyes were filled with sadness, and all I wanted to do was hug him and take that pain away. “I…umm…I told Callie that I would take her sister’s apartment.”

  He looked away and briefly closed his eyes. “If that’s what you want to do, then…” He took a deep breath and concentrated back on his hockey game as if I wasn’t even sitting there.

  “So that’s it?” I asked.

  “What do you want me to say, Gabby? Huh? Do you want me to beg you to stay?”

  I shook my head. “No, I don’t. I just thought -.”

  “You just thought what? I think we had this discussion before. I told you that it was a stupid idea, but since you never take my advice on anything, why should this be any different?”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I could feel my anger growing.

  “Nothing, Gabby. Just forget it,” he said, turning up the volume on the TV. I grabbed the remote from his hand and flicked it off. “What the fuck?!” he shouted.

  “You are not going to do this, Will!”

  “Do what?”

  “Ignore me.”

  “I’m not ignoring you. I was just in the middle of -.”

  “Bullshit, Will! I’m sorry for putting my heart out there to you last night. I know that it’s changed things between us, but you don’t have to treat me like a stranger now.”

  He was silent, looking straight ahead and staring into space. “I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to think about it. You know how I feel, Gabby. I want you to stay. But if that’s not what you want, then I’m not gonna force you.”

  He looked away when I grabbed his hand and lifted it to my lips. “This is going to be the best thing for both of us,” I said,
trying to convince myself as well as him. “Her apartment isn’t far from your station and you can crash anytime. “Mi casa es su casa.” I was trying my best to gauge some type of reaction from him, but it wasn’t happening.

  “Cool,” he finally responded before turning the TV back on.

  I stared at him briefly, wanting him to take me in his arms and tell me that everything was going to be okay but, instead, he remained focused on his hockey game. I leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for everything,” I whispered before quickly getting up and heading off to my bedroom with tears in my eyes, hoping that he didn’t hear the sob that I had been trying to hold back.

  It had been three weeks since Gabby had moved out, and I felt completely empty inside. I hadn’t talked to her since the day she left and I felt like I was going crazy. I knew that we both needed distance, but this was killing me. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to see her adorable face. I needed to know that we were still friends and that she was still my Gabby girl. But instead of reaching out to her, I buried myself in overtime, women, and alcohol, trying my best to forget about her. Nothing was working.

  I finally worked up the courage to go into the spare bedroom that was once hers and looked around, trying to find some small trace of her, but there was nothing. Picking up her pillow, I breathed in deeply, hoping to smell her sweet scent. I closed my eyes, imagining that it was her I was hugging instead of her pillow. I was finally pulling it together when I noticed a notebook on the shelf of the nightstand. As I picked it up, I looked over the front of it, which was titled “My Journal” in Gabby’s handwriting. As I skimmed through the pages, I noticed that every entry began with Dear Angel, and the bulk of them were from 2001 to 2004, with a few random ones thrown in here and there. I didn’t want to read them because I felt like I was invading her privacy; obviously, this was something that was very personal to her and I didn’t think she wanted to share it with anyone. However, I couldn’t help myself when I had gotten to the very last entry dated only two months ago.

  Dear Angel,

  I know it’s been a while, but I know that you’re still around. I’m sorry for being so distant, but I haven’t needed to talk in a while because I’ve found an angel here on earth. Besides my father, he is the greatest man that I’ve ever known. He takes care of me and makes me happy when I’m feeling low. Right now, I’m feeling really low and he’s not around so I hope you don’t mind me bending your ear. I’m crying as I sit here all alone, knowing that he’s going out to be with another woman. I know I’m a silly girl for thinking that he would want to hang out with my pathetic, sick self tonight, instead of being with the beautiful women he’s used to being with. I keep telling myself that the reason I’m feeling this way tonight is because I’m sick and it’s that time of the month, and not because I’ve fallen in love with him, but the more I try and tell myself that, the less convinced I am. He’s my best friend. I’ve never felt such a connection with anyone in my entire life and I don’t ever want to lose what we have. So, please, help a girl out. What do you do when you’ve fallen head-over-heels in love with someone that you know you will never have?

  ~ Gabby xo

  “Ah, fuck, Gabby,” I whispered, reading the entry over and over again. Each time, I felt another little piece of my heart being ripped out. I was feeling even worse now, wishing that I had never come into that room, wishing that I never read that journal entry. I put the notebook back right where she had left it, and pulled my phone from my pocket. I dialed her number and got a little disheartened when I got her voicemail, but just hearing her voice on her message as I waited for the beep made me happy.

  “Hey, Gabby girl, I know it’s been a while, but I figured you’ve been busy so I didn’t want to bother you. Give me a call when you get a chance. Maybe we can get together for dinner or a movie or something. I miss hangin’ out with you.”

  I couldn’t believe that I had let so much time go by without calling her. I was angry at myself. Angry over the way I behaved toward her on the day that she had told me she was leaving and the days after that. I had no right to behave that way. I went crazy knowing that she was going out with Peterson. I never stopped to think about how she was feeling. She kept her feelings buried deep inside while I was out fucking other women and sharing all the details with her. God, how could I have been so stupid?! Why did so much have to change? Why couldn’t it be like it was on the day that Gabby first moved in? Why the fuck did I have to fall in love with her?

  I looked up at Will and gently pressed my lips to his. My hand caressed the side of his face as our kiss became more intense. I lifted my shirt over my head and removed my bra. He flashed me that gorgeous smile before trailing his tongue to my breast. My hand slowly wandered down to his pants, skimming the waistband of his boxers. As my hand moved down further, excitement coursed through my veins when I felt his rock hard erection. He let out a light groan as my fingers stroked him up and down. I was so ready for him. Ready to feel him inside of me. Ready to take this next step with him. “Will, please. Don’t make me wait any longer,” I whispered.

  My insides ached for him as he smiled down at me. He stood up and removed his pants and boxers. I took a deep breath as I gazed at his naked body. He was perfect and, right now, he was mine - all mine. I closed my eyes in anticipation, only to open them to find that he was gone…

  “Will!” I shouted as I sat up in my bed and gasped. It was all so real that I looked over on the other side of the bed to see if he was there, tears streaming down my face. I missed him so much. It had been over three weeks since I talked to him, and I was more miserable than ever. Callie’s sister’s apartment was great. I was able to roll out of bed ten minutes before my shift and still be at work on time. It was clean and plenty big enough for just me. The only thing missing was Will. I missed him so much. Cooking him dinner. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning with him watching movies. Laughing over stupid things, and just knowing that I always had someone that I could depend upon. There were so many times that I wanted to call him over these past weeks, but I stopped myself. I still hadn’t returned his phone call from the other day, and I didn’t know if I was going to. I wasn’t sure if my heart could handle it. I wanted more of Will. More than he was willing to give. I needed to start moving forward with my life and, as much as I hated to admit it, as long as Will was in mine, it would always be an unfair advantage to any other guy that tried to enter.

  I wiped my teardrops with the back of my hand and lay back down. I closed my eyes and the tears flowed once again as I began to think about starting my new life - one without the person I loved the most in it.

  I was just finishing up my shift and was ready to head home, hoping for an uninterrupted night of sleep without any more dreams of Will. I changed into my yoga pants and sweatshirt, and planned on stopping off for takeout at the Chinese place on the way home.

  “Oops, sorry,” Dr. Emerson said as I walked straight into him, not paying attention as I exited the locker room. I felt myself blushing over my clumsiness, not to mention that Dr. Emerson was drop dead gorgeous.

  “Oh no, that was totally my fault. I wasn’t paying attention,” I said before smiling and walking away.

  “Hey, Gabby!” he called.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you want to grab a bite to eat?”

  Dinner with Dr. Hottie that all the nurses drooled over, or spending the night with a bad stomachache after eating way too much Chinese food? “Umm…yeah, sure. What time were you thinking?”

  “Right now.”

  I looked down at the way I was dressed. It was hardly appropriate to go into any respectable place. “Well, I’m really not dressed -.”

  He waved his hand in the air in a dismissing manner. “We’ll just go up the street to Clancy’s. You don’t have to dress special there. I’ve only got an hour because I have to pick up my daughter from my ex’s - my weekend.”

  Clancy’s? Did he really just say Clancy�
��s? Oh shit! What do I do? Do I tell him I changed my mind because I’m afraid of running into the man that I am hopelessly in love with or that I don’t want to face the memories that place holds? I took a deep breath and sucked it up. If I was going to move on with my life, I had to stop fearing old ghosts. “Sure.” I smiled.

  “Great.” He smiled back as we walked out the door, taking the short walk to Clancy’s, allowing me to get to know Dr. Marcus Emerson just a little bit better.

  It didn’t take much convincing for the guys to talk me into going to Clancy’s after our shift was over. Drinking seemed to be the only thing that helped me forget about her or the fact that she never returned my phone call. Something made me look over at the couple that had just walked in and I had to do a double take. Gabby…looking just as adorable as ever. I tried checking out the guy she was with as best as I could before turning around. I couldn’t sit there any longer knowing that she was just a few feet away. I had to talk to her. I wanted to talk to her. I needed to talk to her.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said to Peterson and Tim.

  I took a deep breath and walked over to the table where they were sitting. “Hey.”

  She peaked up from her menu, looking a little surprised before flashing me a nervous smile. “Will!” Her voice quivered and I could see her hands shaking. “Marcus, this is my friend, Will. Will, this is Marcus.”

  He stood up and shook my hand just as his phone began to ring. “Dr. Emerson,” he answered. Ouch, a doctor.

  “Excuse me for one second, Gabby. I have to take this call,” he said before he stepped outside.

  Gabby looked up at me with sadness in her eyes, putting on her best smile. “So, are you pissed at me or something?” I asked.

  “What? No, I've just been busy, that's all.”

  I raised my eyebrow. “Well, you obviously aren't that busy if you have time to go out on a date with ‘Dr. Emerson’.” I immediately regretted the sarcasm in my voice.