by Carol Oates
“Yes, you are.” Sebastian paused and took a shaky breath. “I wanted you to see it with me…just once.”
Those two words made Candra’s stomach knot into a tight ball of apprehension. If he had released her and allowed her prone body to crash to the earth, it wouldn’t have hurt more than those words. They were back to the uneasy, antagonistic conversation.
It left Candra with a miserable decision. Should she ask him why he was giving up on them? Should she be the person she’d always thought she would be and tell herself it didn’t matter why he was walking away? Reasons wouldn’t make a broken heart any easier, and there were more important considerations in both their lives.
They descended slowly into a small opening surrounded by dense forest, neither them speaking a word. Not good. Candra continued struggling to persuade herself that Sebastian wasn’t ending things, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. His mood was too black and the distance between them more like a titanic chasm. Not to mention he had just admitted as much.
The moment they touched the ground, Sebastian took off into the trees. His wings disappeared into a golden mist along his back, leaving only two small tears in his shirt as evidence that they were ever there.
She staggered after him through the trees and thick foliage.
“Sebastian,” Candra called out, but he didn’t answer despite the twitch of his shoulders betraying he’d heard her. “Sebastian, where the hell are we going?” Twigs broke under her feet. The dead leaves on the forest floor caught around the toes of her shoes each time she trudged forward another step through the mushy pulp.
Sebastian never wavered in his relentless march onward, leading her farther and farther from civilization. Candra knew following him meant she’d have no option but to listen if he wanted to explain himself. She was already lost. It struck her that he was probably betting on it; perhaps he wanted to explain himself, and she couldn’t decide if she actually wanted to listen. Why should she alleviate his conscience? She wouldn’t have left him until the very end, no matter what happened.
Candra lagged behind his unwavering strides in an effort to not get too near, hoping he would eventually turn around. She should have known better. Sebastian was too stubborn, and the path they were on seemed endless. She halted dead in her tracks when dim light broke through the thick foliage ahead. Candra heard his stomping footfalls pause somewhere near.
“Candra,” he shouted with a note of exasperation to his voice. “Candra,” he called again, softer this time, probably a voice he had used on many young girls to lead them astray and leave them stranded…metaphorically speaking. The sound of his loud, irritated sigh rose above the gentle lapping of water against a shore. She refused to go to him.
Eventually, Sebastian relented, and his muffled footfalls on the soft earth betrayed his movement until he came into view. She stared at him, gaping like a floundering fish. His cheeks had a bright red flash of color to them, and his eyes had softened; specks of gold sparkled in the brown, unaffected by the shade of the trees around them. His jaw wasn’t set tight the way it had been before, and his lips formed a soft pout instead of a hard line. He looked lost, exposed, and more handsome than any being had a right to be.
“I can’t go any farther. I have to stop.” Candra’s voice laced with desperation, and she wasn’t sure what she meant—maybe everything. The roller coaster of sensations warring inside her seemed to go on incessantly, leaving no space for clear thinking.
Sebastian’s gaze fell to the ground, and his hand clenched and unclenched. Candra knew this action to be as unconscious to him as breathing when he attempted to control his emotions. When he lifted his eyes to her, they had darkened, heavy with ghosts of the past. Unexpectedly, he looked much older than the late teens he usually passed for and seemed to carry millennia of knowledge behind those eyes.
Candra swallowed thickly, and unsettling butterflies filled her stomach. Recognizable feelings surfaced again when he took a step nearer. His jaw clenched sharply, and his eyebrows drew to a frown. The moment was almost intimate, and Candra could think of nothing she wanted more than to give herself to him. She wanted to cling to him and escape this maze of impossible choices, trapping them inside the frantic, passionate, and seemingly hopeless love they shared. A slow warmth stirred within her as Sebastian took another step, averting his eyes away from her face to a tree to her right.
“Do you think this is easy for me?” he asked seriously, the edge of mocking returned. His movements were so weak, it was as if all his energy had seeped away, swallowed up by the surrounding trees. “I didn’t ask for any of this,” he yelled.
In reflex, Candra stepped back.
A virtual glass wall separated them, built by secrets held back, allowing her near and keeping her away at the same time. Candra wanted to smash right through and run to him, though she felt tethered to the spot where she stood, terrified to act and provoke him further. His anger vibrated like sound waves in the air, bouncing off tree trunks and echoing through the forest.
“I don’t want to go either, but there comes a point…a line…and once crossed, there is no going back…” Sebastian trailed off, and just like that, the glass came shattering down.
He turned his head side to side, looking for something on the ground while Candra watched, as if the line he spoke of was physical and suddenly…that was the only thing separating them. Sebastian was on the verge of telling her something.
Candra gulped, ignoring the itch in the back of her throat—a scream that would shatter the tentative calm inside her if she allowed it. She wanted to take back her lies over the last few days and admit the truth about Lilith. She could so easily step back from the metaphorical line, and they could rebuild trust. It wasn’t too late. As much as this pained her, she couldn’t give up that power. She had to know the choice was still hers to make without interference from anyone.
He turned in a slow, wide circle, and his shoulders rose and fell with each deep breath. His behavior was curious, even a little unhinged. He scrunched his eyes shut and pressed his hands into his face, alarming Candra when he let out a deep, pained growl.
She half expected him to punch something. The apprehension hurt like a knife, driving through her insides, but after a moment, he appeared to calm a little, and his irregular breathing began to slow.
“It’s not far.” Most of the emotion had drifted from his voice again, to just beneath the surface as always. “Come with me…please.”
How could she refuse?
Sebastian turned without making eye contact and headed back in the direction he’d come from moments ago. She stood frozen, staring as he rubbed his face once and then again before wiping his hand on his thigh. If she were a gambling person, she would have safely bet he’d wiped tears away. Her stomach lurched. She hesitated and then reluctantly forced herself to follow, watching him lift his hand to his face again. Candra took five short steps, losing distance with each step before he darted her an incredulous look over his shoulder.
“For the love of all that’s holy, Candra, keep up,” he scolded.
After a few more tense minutes, they came to a break in the trees that opened to the shoreline of a small lake. Several large boulders scattered across the space where the green and brown forest floor gave way to the stony ground around the water. It vaguely reminded Candra of the park where Sebastian had healed her, knowing he would reveal his wings. Except where there had been grass in the park, here, water took its place and trees replaced the park railing.
A blissful quiet wrapped around her. The water barely rippled, and the thick clouds overhead muted all the colors. Nothing in their surroundings was overpowering or too vibrant. Peace washed over her, making her body limp. Her heart slowed to a steady thumping. Sebastian’s sigh was audible, and his relief tangible. Tension rolled off him like a sheen of sweat under the flow of a hot shower. Every muscle in him seemed to relax as he stood by the water’s edge, silently breathing in the fresh air. Sebastian’s eyes closed, and his h
ead fell back a little.
Candra sat down on the ground. It struck her out of nowhere that as soon as Sebastian calmed, she did too—or was it the other way around? She couldn’t tell. She sensed the usual comfort of his body and his company. The kinship of their twisted emotions wrapped around her heart and mind, erasing everything else, washing away her fear of all that waited for them when they returned to the city and leaving only peace.
“Sebastian,” she whispered in a low, breathy voice and saw his body tighten instantly.
He didn’t respond. She wasn’t sure she could find the words to say what she wanted to. She didn’t know for sure what Sebastian felt about them right now. She had always known darker parts of Sebastian constantly bubbled away under his skin, as if he was fighting against something trying to break free, the feral part of him…the dangerous part. Not that she believed she was in danger from him—not physically, at least—and she empathized with the sensation after thrashing with her own internal demons lately.
“Why are you angry at me?” She knew it wasn’t what she wanted to say at all as soon as the words were out of her mouth. She wanted them to comfort each other and make things right, not stoke the flames of an already building fire.
Arguing didn’t mean they didn’t love each other. It was possible to be angry at someone while still loving them. In the beginning, she’d thought she hated Sebastian, until she realized he hated the things he’d been through that made him behave as he did.
His fingers combed back through his hair, still damp and darkened by the mist from the clouds. The air crackled with his tension, building again with her own anxiety. He lowered his hand and clenched both into fists before stuffing them in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. The lack of a jacket didn’t appear to bother him.
“Is that what you think…that I’m angry at you?” His voice sounded calmer and smooth as silk, with no hint of emotion whatsoever.
Candra curled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them—a comforting position. “Please, just stop this,” she started in the most unruffled voice she could evoke. “I feel like I’m stuck in a revolving door with your split personalities. You’re angry at me, and I know why.”
“Whatever you are thinking, you are way off,” he snapped back, picking up a stone and swinging his arm back to throw it aggressively into the water with a loud plop.
“Explain it to me.” She was trying. She wanted him to give her something, anything to help her figure out all this.
He didn’t reply for the longest time, and Candra sat listening to the lapping water, knowing it would be dark soon and their opportunity to resolve anything was fading away with the daylight. She had seen this side of him before, somewhere between the powerful angel ready to kill or be killed for humanity and the gentle side of him craving love but unconvinced he deserved it. Calm and nonthreatening, but still remote and cut off. Finally, he released a big gust of breath, and his shoulders slumped.
“You can’t save me.”
Candra lowered her legs and tucked them to the side while trying to get her thoughts in order. His words knocked the wind out of her. Save him?
“But—”
“Every being I’ve ever met in my existence thinks they’ll be the one that can put me back together. They think they can rip out this darkness inside me.” His hand fisted and punched his chest so hard, the sound made Candra jump. “As if I’m a project that needs fixing.”
He appeared exasperated and annoyed, picking up another stone and flinging it with a grunt. It was larger than the last and made the same plopping noise. It sent circles rippling outward in the water before he returned his hand to his pockets and started rocking again.
“I can’t be fixed. I can’t be saved. I’ve done terrible things over and over. I’ve tried, believe me. I’ve tried…” He took a hand out, raked his fingers through his hair, tugging at it a bit, and kneaded the back of his neck. “The only thing it does is end up hurting the ones I love, and I’m tired…” He turned then, and she saw the sadness in his eyes and the struggle for him to say these words to her, words that she couldn’t understand. “You can’t save me, but I can try to save you.”
She’d been tempted to put herself first when the chips were down. When Draven had made his offer, she’d been tempted by a darkness inside her to stay with Sebastian, knowing it meant certain death and destruction for untold numbers. She wanted to tell him she wasn’t like anyone else. She knew darkness, but it was nothing she hadn’t already admitted to him, and she suspected he wouldn’t want to hear it anyway. So instead, she sat quietly and listened, secure in the knowledge now that she could talk her way out of this mess just as soon as he worked through his frustrations.
Sebastian walked over slowly and indicated the spot beside Candra with his eyes, asking permission to sit. Candra nodded.
“I’m tired, Candra,” he said, looking ahead. “I’m tired of trying to figure out all this shit going on in my head. It’s so hard. Nothing I do makes any difference. Nothing is ever enough to make it all end.”
“I still don’t understand,” Candra said. “I thought we were supposed to figure this stuff out together.”
The corners of his lips curved up into a grin, and he turned to her briefly with a dejected smile. “I thought we were too, and no, I’m not sure you will ever understand.” He followed with a small chuckle, shaking his head.
Candra grimaced, narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips, still no wiser and getting frustrated with the conversation. Sebastian’s words were taking her around in circles.
“I feel like you’re playing with me,” Candra mumbled bleakly.
Sebastian leapt up suddenly, frightening her. Her heart jumped, and her fingers gripped the stones beside her, grit catching under her nails.
“This is not a game, Candra, and I’m not some damned hero who can make everything better for you,” he shouted, stomping back to the water’s edge with his back to her. “Well, at least the hero part is wrong.” He laughed blackly, shaking his head.
The whole conversation was one-sided, with only Sebastian knowing what he was talking about. It left her muddled and vulnerable, her head clouded with things she couldn’t say. Her entire body wanted to shut down, to curl up on the rough stones and pretend the last few days hadn’t happened.
“You are not damned. Why would you even say that?” Candra argued, absently picking up pebbles and tossing them aside. She rubbed her dirty hand on her skirt.
“Because it’s true. People are dead because of me. Do you think there won’t be a price? If I act or don’t act, someone always ends up hurt. I’m not brave…I’m weak.”
“If you’re damned, then I want to be damned too. I would rather be damned than see you sacrifice yourself to save me from anything.” Candra spoke defiantly. “Why do I always have to be the damsel in distress? Why can’t you be the damsel for a change?” She forced the words as an effort to lighten the mood. The atmosphere festering with hostility between them made it hard to move.
Sebastian chuckled and looked back over his shoulder skeptically, as if he couldn’t believe she would actually make a joke. Candra wasn’t sure herself where it had come from, but his brown eyes creased up at the edges when he smiled.
He came back to where he had been sitting and dropped to the ground with a hollow thump, and then he lay back, crossing his legs at his ankles. He laced his fingers behind his head, revealing a sliver of pale golden skin and a sprinkling of hair across a taut stomach above the waistband of his boxer shorts. Candra watched the tiny goose bumps rise up over his flawless skin, a very human reaction to the cold.
Sebastian’s eyes closed, and he didn’t see Candra scoot back a little on the stony ground, away from the thick vein snaking over the top of his hip bone. Her insides twisted, and her fingers trembled, longing for some form of physical contact to reassure her. She wanted to tell him the truth first. Regardless, Sebastian offered no contact. His chest rose up high and l
owered lazily as he reveled in each breath of air. His relaxed mood amazed her, given his mood just seconds ago. This was Sebastian, caught in some kind of a perpetual fight with himself.
“So, why have you brought me here?” Candra asked lightly, in part to distract herself from scrutinizing the way his stomach sucked in, almost going concave when he scratched it, leaving a small red mark where his blood raised to the surface beneath his flesh and made her unconsciously lean into him.
He pressed his lips into a straight line and scratched the rough stubble on his jaw. “C’mon, Candra, you haven’t guessed yet?”
“You’re not going to tell me?” she asked dubiously, raising an eyebrow. “You’re going to sit there and pretend everything is okay?” Sebastian was many things…but a liar wasn’t one of them. Her patience was ebbing away the way each circular pulse caused by stones in the water vanished, leaving nothing in the end.
He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at her. “I’m not sitting,” he said playfully and then flashed his amazing smile. It was as though the sun came out from behind the clouds and was shining down on only her. His intense eyes gazed into hers, like he could find the answers to all the mysteries of the universe there.
Candra gulped. “Fine, then, I’ll start.”
“Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
Somewhere in the back of her mind, Candra recognized his influence over her, the impression of his will eclipsing hers, but she didn’t care. The need and yearning that welled up inside her felt infinitely better than her own tumbling emotions.
“Kiss me,” he implored in a husky, desire-filled voice, with a smoldering heat in his eyes.
Candra didn’t question it. She leaned in. As soon as she was within reaching distance, Sebastian slid his long fingers under the hair at the back of her neck. He pulled her to his mouth with a furious passion, stifling the moan from her lips. Her hands pressed into his strong shoulders while his burrowed under her jacket and tugged at the shirt tucked into her skirt, frantically searching for bare skin. His ice-cold fingers clawed up her spine and back down, biting into the base of her ribcage. One hand continued to skim down Candra’s thigh, wrapping around the back of her knee. He squeezed once and, with a quick jerk, pulled her on top of his body. Stones cut into her knees where she sat across his hips. She didn’t care, not while her heart raced and every breath she took was filled with Sebastian’s taste and scent. Her skin prickled everywhere he touched. His relentless mouth moved with almost excruciatingly blissful tenderness and passion. The combination of pleasure and discomfort made every nerve in her body crave more.