by J. Bengtsson
Just tell her! I screamed in my head. Just get it over with then let Casey decide if I was still worth her love. I pulled away from her.
“He…you know…I’m sure you do…you have to,” I rambled.
“He sexually assaulted you,” she finished the sentence for me.
I nodded. A feeling of relief washed over me. It was out there now. The dirty truth! No more hiding. No more lying. “I was a kid. I tried to fight him off but…I was a kid.”
Tears filled Casey’s eyes. “I know. I’m so sorry, babe,” she said then took my hand. “And that’s not pity talking. It actually hurts my heart that someone hurt yours.”
We sat there quietly for a while. For the life of me I couldn’t come up with one goddamn thing to say.
“What happens during the flashbacks, Jake?”
There was no point in lying anymore. “I just…sometimes…like if you touch me in a way…or say something that reminds me of something…you know…it just…it triggers something…and then it’s not just us anymore…do you know what I mean?”
“Yeah. I think so. Can you pinpoint specific things?”
“No because sometimes it doesn’t bother me and sometimes it does.”
“So how can we work through them?”
“I don’t know if we can, to be honest. That’s what makes it so fucked up.”
We sat there quietly for a minute before Casey asked, “Don’t take this the wrong way but have you ever had therapy?”
“I’ve described to you how overprotective my mom is…so, yeah, of course I have.”
“But not recently, I take it?”
“I never really saw a reason. I was dealing okay with everything until I met you. God that sounded bad. I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just…I figured out ways around the flashbacks by never getting too close to anyone. If I have sex once with someone and have a flashback, they are never going to know. I could make some excuse that I wasn’t feeling it. But, to be honest, when it was impersonal sex I rarely got them anyway. I wasn’t worrying.”
“So you worry more with me?”
“Yeah. I want to make you happy. Before we have sex I start worrying about having the flashbacks and then I worry about what I’m going to say to you and I worry that you’re going to think I’m a freak.”
“Jesus Jake, it’s amazing you can even get a hard on with all that anxiety.”
Her brash assessment of my angst surprised me and I couldn’t help but grin.
“Look babe, I’m not trying to make light of this. I know you’re suffering. I can see it. But now that you were honest with me and I know what’s going on, and you aren’t in horrific pain…you don’t need to worry anymore. If a flashback comes on, no biggie, we’ll deal with it.”
“You say that now but what if they don’t stop? What if they get worse?”
“So we don’t have sex for a while…or ever…as long as we have intimacy and love and communication, that’s all that matters.”
“Oh great,” I shook my head in frustration. “That’s not enough for me, Case. If I can’t be a real man for you then you need to find someone who will.”
“You don’t get it. I don’t want anyone else. I only want you…forever. I know we can work through this and be where we were before. Why are you fighting this?”
I didn’t reply to her. I just stared off into space.
“Look at me,” she whispered.
I lifted my eyes to meet hers.
“Stop second guessing yourself and start believing in us.”
“I do believe in us.”
“If you did you wouldn’t be questioning my loyalty to you.”
“It’s not you Casey. It’s me.”
“No when you say that I need to find a real man you’re putting this all on me. That’s not fair. There are two of us in this relationship. Both of us need to work to keep it strong. I feel like you aren’t giving me any credit…like my love for you doesn’t matter.”
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“We don’t choose who we love Jake. It just happens. It can’t be explained and it can’t be broken as long as we both protect it. I’m prepared to keep what we have safe. Are you?”
I thought about what she said. Casey was right; I wasn’t giving her the credit she deserved. She’d never wavered in her devotion to me. If anyone could get me through this, it was Casey. I stared her in the eye before responding, “I am.”
A dazzling smile formed on Casey’s face. She put her arms around my neck and kissed me. “It’s you and me forever buddy…and don’t forget it!”
“I won’t.”
“In fact, I’m going to be like Krista and never let you break up with me.”
I laughed and pulled her to me. “I don’t want to,” I said as I attacked her neck in kisses. “I have an idea.”
“What?”
“Can we try again?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
And this time around, Ray was nowhere to be found. The worry that had plagued me the past two weeks was gone. Maybe it was her unwavering belief in us or maybe it was that we were stronger together than apart. It was like we had agreed to partner up and defeat Ray where he played. Afterwards, when we were lying in each other’s arms, I felt so hopeful. Casey was right. What we had was special and I was prepared to fight for us.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Casey
We lay on the bed talking for so long that we totally forgot to order our dinner. Jake called room service at 10:00pm and twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. Jake disappeared into the bathroom so there wouldn’t be any awkwardness with the waiter. I let him in and watched him set everything up. I noticed him glance around the room several times. Obviously he knew who was staying here.
When he was finished setting up, the waiter asked, “Is there anything else I can get you madam?”
“No, thank you. It smells amazing.” I gave him a tip and the waiter left, but not before taking one more disappointed look around.
Jake came out of the bathroom wet and totally naked. I couldn’t help but marvel at him. He was so beautiful. I remembered how self-conscious he was about his scars when we first met and now he was totally comfortable parading around nude. I smiled adoringly at my boyfriend.
He looked up and smiled. “What?”
“I was just admiring the view.”
“It took that dude forever to set up. I got bored and decided to take a shower,” he grinned.
I melted.
Jake slipped on his boxers and a t-shirt then sat down opposite me at the table. We dug in.
“So we really haven’t talked about what we are going to do this year with us living in different states and all,” Jake said.
“I know. I’ve been avoiding the topic because it makes me sad. I wish I’d met you earlier so I could have put in a transfer to a school in LA.”
“You’d do that? Move to LA?”
“Seriously? I would move wherever you are.”
“I actually don’t think it’s too late to transfer,” he said.
“It is for a public school. You have to apply in the winter. I had a friend who did that so I know. But I’m not sure about private schools. I couldn’t afford those anyway.”
Jake gave me a look. Money was no obstacle for him. “But what if a private school would accept a late transfer? I mean would you really want to leave Arizona…leave your family?”
“Yes Jake. You’re my family now. I want to be with you.”
Jake put down his fork. He flashed me a sheepish grin.
“What?” I asked.
“I’ve actually had someone look into that. There are a few private schools in LA that have accounting programs. One of the schools is only about ten miles from my place. They all will accept late transfers.”
I stared at Jake in shock. “Really? You actually researched it?”
“Well I had my agent back home look into it. In order to do a late transfer you have
to have the Dean sign off on it. And if he won’t, I’ll persuade him.”
I smiled. “I…I don’t know what to say. Would you want me to move there?”
“Yeah, I would. Once I have my surgery I won’t be able to travel for a while and, with you in school, it might be hard to see each other very often. I mean we can make it work so don’t feel like you have to move…”
I jumped from my seat and flung myself into his arms. “Are you friggin’ kidding me. Of course I want to move! I just want to be with you! I’m so happy right now. It’s like a weight has been lifted off me.”
“Well, okay then. After dinner let’s pick out your new school.”
We spent the rest of the night going over my options and making plans. I decided I wanted to go to the university closest to Jake’s place. We both agreed that I should have my own apartment near campus, not only to make it easier school-wise but also to appease my parents who were sure to be skeptical about my move. Of course Jake wanted to pay for everything and I wasn’t really in the position to refuse.
Mid August came before I knew it. The summer of my life was coming to an end but thanks to my incredible boyfriend, our impending separation didn’t seem so daunting. I had so much to do before moving to LA. I broke the news to my parents and friends the day after I was admitted into my new school. My parents were not happy but I was 100% sure of my decision and did not give them the opportunity to protest. My friends were sad to see me leave but thrilled by the reason for the move. Taylor found a replacement roommate but made me swear that she could come and visit whenever she wanted. She also requested to sleep with Jake but I vetoed her on that point.
Before I knew it I was back on a plane for the States. Leaving Jake was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I was so in love and the idea of being apart from him even for a day hurt my heart. I even contemplated just brushing off my education and staying in Europe with Jake but I’d made a commitment to myself that I would get my degree and that was what I was going to do.
The move to Los Angeles was easier than I imagined. Jake had my new apartment furnished so really all I needed to bring were my clothes and a few other essentials. He also set up a bank account in my name with enough money in it to keep me going for a long time. We had talked about, and agreed, that I wouldn’t get a job right away. I wanted to be there for him after the surgery and if I were tied to a job in addition to my studies, free time would be difficult. And not having to focus on anything but completing my education appealed to me more than I cared to admit. I’d always been an independent, working girl but it felt good to be taken care of for a change.
I started my senior year with Jake still away on tour. I missed him fiercely but stayed in constant contact with him. Our relationship went back to those first days after we met at the wedding…the hours spent on the phone while he travelled from city to city but now I didn’t just have to imagine what he was experiencing…I could see it in my mind because I’d lived it. It really had been the trip of a lifetime.
I poured myself into my studies and found my professors at my new school to be much more accessible and willing to help than those at my old. I was excited to be learning so much. I met a few friends in my accounting classes the very first week of school which made me very happy since I’d actually been worried about having to eat by myself in the cafeteria like a loser. The thing with college is you meet one person, then it seems you have a huge group of friends. I even started hanging out with them in the evenings and on the weekends and went with them to school events. I didn’t tell anyone about Jake. It seemed like bragging to dangle my rock star boyfriend in front of these people.
Jake came home the last week in September. I was so excited that I arrived an hour early to LAX and ended up waiting another hour and a half for him to go through passport control, claim his bags then get searched while going through customs. But none of that mattered when I saw him walk through the doors and head up the ramp. Excitement coursed through me. He was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball cap. He was flanked on either side by security and another attendant had his bags on a cart.
It took a matter of seconds for him to be recognized. I heard one girl call out, ‘That’s Jake McKallister!’, which caused a flurry of activity. Jake acknowledged the crowd as he scanned the faces. I knew he was looking for me. I stood toward the end of the ramp holding a sign. When he saw me a big smile spread across his face then his eyes travelled upwards to my sign. It read, ‘Cake’. He nodded, amused. And then I was in his arms. He picked me up and kissed me. The crowd around us ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’. Cameras flashed. It was like a scene out of a movie.
Jake put me down and whispered in my ear, “I missed you so much.”
“Me too.”
“I like your sign,” he grinned.
“I thought you would. It’s short and sweet,” I smiled.
“Just like you.”
“Hey, I’ll have you know I’m 5’6. That is taller than the average woman.”
“Geez, sensitive,” Jake smiled. “Did you bring your car?”
“No I ubered here since you said you had a car that was picking you up.”
“I do. I was just making sure. We better get out of here before we end up on a magazine cover.”
Jake came home on a Monday and by Friday we were on a plane flying to Arizona to meet my family. Jake was so nervous as we walked up the driveway.
“Relax, they are going to love you Jake,” I said.
“Yeah, I doubt that Casey,” Jake replied. “I’m any father’s worst nightmare.”
“I told you, my dad tries to act tough. You just have to get through the crusty exterior into the soft goodness inside.”
“One, that’s nasty,” Jake cringed. “And two, something tells me I won’t be warming his heart.”
I squeezed his hand and whispered, “You worry too much. Relax. Just be yourself…only nicer and cuter and more successful.”
Jake gave me a sideways look and rolled his eyes. I laughed.
“You’re taking this way too seriously. I mean really, how can you get better than you already are? You’re the whole package, baby,” I said and slapped his ass.
Jake spun around and playfully grabbed my hand. “Hey, keep the hands waist up when your father is within a 25 mile radius.”
“You don’t think he knows my hands have been waist down,” I giggled.
“Okay, you’re really starting to freak me out now. You better not make any kind of sexual references around him. I’m not kidding. I’m nervous enough already.”
“I won’t,” I grinned.
“Seriously Casey. Promise me?”
I sighed. “God, you’re no fun. Fine. I promise.”
I opened the door and called out, “Hello? Mom? Dad?”
I then grabbed his ass and squeezed.
Jake looked at me intensely.
I whispered. “That was just to get me through the weekend. I’m done now.”
Before Jake could react, we heard my mother’s squeal from across the house.
“You’re early,” she panted as she rounded the corner with an apron on. I looked at her in surprise. My mother never wore an apron. She usually didn’t care if she sat down to dinner with a little food slopped on her shirt. Someone’s trying to impress, I smiled. My mom came straight to me with a big, excited smile on her face and gave me a quick hug. Then she turned her full, and giddy, attention on Jake.
“Jake, it’s so nice to meet you,” my mom said as she reached out her hand.
Jake smiled and shook it. “It’s really nice to meet you too,” Jake smiled. “What would you like me to call you…Mrs. Caldwell or?”
“Oh please, call me Linda.”
“Linda...thanks for having me over this weekend,” Jake said.
“The pleasure is ours…you’re a busy guy…we just really appreciate you taking the time to come and meet us. I’m sure Casey told you…we are a pretty relaxed bunch so please make yourself at home. I
hope you like lasagna. Casey said you like Italian food,” mom rambled.
“I love lasagna.”
“Oh good,” my mom said as she patted Jake’s arm. Then to me she said, “Why don’t you put your bags in your rooms and then meet me in the kitchen.”
“Okay,” I smiled and grabbed Jake’s hand. We dropped his bag off in the guest room and then I led him to my childhood bedroom. I stopped him before we got there.
“Before you enter I just want to explain myself.”
“Uh-oh…what?”
“Remember that I was a teenager when I decorated this room and that I haven’t lived at home for several years.”
“Yeah, yeah…step aside,” Jake grinned. I tried to block him from entering. We wrestled before he playfully pushed me out of the way. He opened the door, looked around then started laughing. Even though I no longer lived at home, my room remained largely unchanged from the boy-crazy teenager that decorated it. Hot pink décor and millions of pictures and posters, some of half naked celebrity guys, none of Jake thank God, decorated the walls.
“Wow,” Jake smiled, looking around in awe. “You really liked pink.”
“And naked guys too, apparently,” I admitted.
“Yeah. You perv,” Jake laughed. “I just…I don’t really know what to say.”
“I know,” I laughed. “It’s awful.”
“I love it.”
“You do?” I asked, blushing from embarrassment.
“Yeah. This is like out of a movie or something.”
“I know,” I laughed.
“I can tell that you were a happy kid.”
I heard maybe just the faintest bit of melancholy in his voice.
“I was a happy kid,” I said and watched Jake for a reaction. “Does that…um…make you feel bad…because yours was, obviously, not as happy?”
Jake looked at me for a second then shook his head. “Contrary to popular belief, Casey, I had the most kick-ass childhood ever. It was thirteen and up that sucked.”
“Well it doesn’t suck now, does it?” I asked as I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him.
“No twenty-three and up has been pretty good so far,” he grinned.