by S. Moose
Karly shrugs and drinks her wine. "Honestly, we've just been having quickies. Don't get me wrong, it's great. I miss the hour-long sex sessions, though. Like the foreplay to actually having sex. Do you know how bad I miss his tongue on me?"
"Baby!"
"Oh, you're fine." She waves him off. "It's like a wham, bam, I love you thing. But it gets the job done. Seriously, Lex, just try it. All you need is," Karly pauses and thinks, "three minutes, tops."
Larry bursts out laughing and Nicholas comes to the kitchen, pulling his wife to his side. "First, it's not three minutes and, second, I can last longer if I want."
She pats his arm. "It's okay, baby. You're more than enough for me."
Lexi shakes her head. "Ew, gross images."
I watch the room erupt with laughter. There's a small ache in my heart. It's these moments that make me miss my past. I imagine Brody sitting in the living room with the guys, drinking a beer, and laughing along with everyone else.
"Hey, why are Jensen and Stephen outside?" Lexi asks, and we all look towards the deck.
"Not sure. I'll go check."
When Karly walks away and goes outside, Lexi drinks more of her wine and sighs. "What's wrong?" I ask Lexi.
"Oh." She puts down her wine glass. "Just weird things. Everyone's been acting weird lately, especially Stephen. He's distant. No idea what's going on with him. You've been hanging with him, though. Has he said anything?"
"No. He hasn't said anything. I know he went to see Lisa, but when he came back, he kept blowing Isaac off and saying he has to work. Could that be it?"
Lexi takes my hand and we make our way to the living room. She sits next to Larry and I sit on the other side of Nicholas. I'm not sure what the men of Wilmington do or drink, but damn, they are sexy. I sip my white wine and look around the living room. It's full of pictures of Nicholas, Karly, their kids, family, and friends.
"Karly's obsessed with capturing every moment she can," Nicholas says, leaning in to closer. "Decorating the house is her specialty." He looks at me, then at the pictures, and points at the large picture above the fireplace. "That was taken in Hawaii back in July. It was my thirtieth and Emma's sixth birthday."
Looking at the picture, I can’t help to feel a little jealous. Even though I’m young and still have time to eventually have a family, it hurts knowing the one man I wanted to spend my life with and have a family with will never happen. I look at the smiles on their face and how happy they are. It’s a great feeling to see your friends happy, but it sucks knowing you won’t get that any time soon. "You have a beautiful family, Nicholas."
"Thanks. Karly told me that she's trying to set you up with someone, so if you need help, let me know."
"No! No." I laugh uneasily. "I'm not ready to date. It’s so hard balancing life and work. Right now, I’m perfectly happy spending time with you guys and the kids."
"Understandable."
Nicholas and I talk about basketball and the hospital some more before Stephen, Jensen, and Karly come back to the living room.
"You doing okay?" Jensen asks, taking a seat on the floor, resting his back on my leg.
"Awesome. Tonight's been so fun."
The guys watch the fight on TV while me, Lexi, and Karly head back to the kitchen and sit at the table, talking about life and their husbands. Playing with the wine glass in my hands, I listen like a good friend should, but my attention is on the very sexy man out in the living room. It’s clear that he’s off limits, yet he’s igniting my body and my broken heart.
"What’s going on?" I look up and see Karly looking at me. "You’ve been so quiet. Are you okay?"
I'd rather not discuss the thoughts in my head. "Honestly, I’m getting tired. I have to be at work by five a.m., and work sixteen hours."
It’s as if Jensen has powers because, when I tell them I’m tired, he’s by my side, asking if I want to leave.
"You can stay," I inform him.
"No, I should get going too. I’ll follow you home."
Don’t think anything about this. He’s just being nice.
* * * * *
It's been a long night and I'm not looking forward to another sixteen-hour shift tomorrow. I lock my car and see Jensen walking over to me.
"Can I come in, Fallyn?"
I look at Jensen and cock my head to the side. "Jensen, it's late. Thank you for following me back home, but it wasn't necessary. I mean, what are you doing?"
"I don't know," he whispers. "I wanted to make sure you got home okay."
There’s a pull I’m feeling to Jensen. I push back, though. Whatever feelings I have for him can’t surface. It’s never a good idea to fall for your boss slash friend slash man with a girlfriend. It’s a deadly combination and someone will end up hurt. Even if I can’t stop looking in his eyes or wonder how he kisses. "Well, I am. I'm fine." I muster a smile and turn to walk to my door. When I turn around, Jensen's standing in the same spot with his hands in his pockets. "Good night. I'll talk to you later."
"Can we go for a run tomorrow night? I like running with you."
I nod. "Yeah, we can do that. Get home safely."
I don't wait for him to respond. I open my front door, walk inside, and close the door. Turning the lock, I peek out of the window and he's still standing there, looking at me, watching me. I'm not sure how I should feel. I'm not sure if I'm scared.
The next evening, Jensen meets me at my house, ready to go for our run. Grabbing my things from the counter we head outside and stretch for a few minutes.
"Doing okay?" I ask him.
"Yeah. Same old," he forces a laugh, "Maybe this run will be good. Need to clear my head."
Both of us have our ear buds in and give each other thumbs up before we start running. That's what we usually do when we're running since neither of us really talk. We run side by side and go until it's time to turn around. I don't know how to explain it fully. We're in sync when we run and know what to do. I guess we're used to this, since we've been running together for a while.
I want to ask him about Lisa and see if they're doing better. He seems to be okay and I'm glad. But why does my heart wildly beat in my chest when I see him?
When I turn my head, I see that Jensen's not next to me. I stop running and turn around. He's looking down at his phone and has a puzzled expression.
"What's wrong?"
"Can we go back to your house, please?"
"Yeah, we can, but what's wrong?"
He doesn't respond. Instead of answering my questions, he takes off running and I'm right behind him. We're back at my house and I get him situated in the kitchen. Needing a shower, I let Jensen know I'll be back.
Running up the stairs and to my bathroom, I jump in the shower and wash quickly. Drying off, I put on yoga pants and a tank top. Rushing back downstairs, I notice Jensen resting on my couch. I sit opposite of him and wait for him to talk. His eyes look heavy and he's deep in thought.
"I want to believe Lisa and I will be okay. I want to believe this is a test that we have to pass and, once we do, everything will be okay."
"You lost me. What's going on?"
"Stephen texted me. He said I need to go see her soon and that I shouldn't keep putting it off. I texted Lisa, but she hasn't said anything. So when I texted back Stephen, he said that he loves me like a brother and doesn't want to see me hurt. He said that Lisa's going through a lot and I should be there and help her and let her know that I'm here."
"Which I've told you."
"Yeah, well, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to show her how much I love her. Why can't she realize that she means so much to me? You know, when she was here, everything was great. She's awesome and I connect with her, but fuck, she's making it hard to fight."
I don't respond. I'm not sure what to say. So I sit back and let him vent.
"I want peace. I want a family and to settle down. Is that too much to ask for?"
I scoot over and by the way he's breathing and shaking his head, I'm
not sure if he wants me to get closer. So I scoot a little closer each time. He doesn't say anything. When I'm right next to him, I place my arm around his shoulder and let him know that I'm here without saying the words.
Chapter 17
Lisa
I sit here on my couch. The curtains are drawn and I haven't changed in three days. At this moment, now, I hate life. I hate myself. I can't believe I cheated on Jensen and he's supposed to be here in a few days.
Ian's been trying to get a hold of me, but I haven't responded. Talking to Ian isn't going to do anything for me but cause confusion. When we were together, I felt something for him. How can I love both Ian and Jensen? Is it possible?
I look at my phone and look at Jensen's name. I see his bright eyes and his smile. Everything about him is perfect, but I did the unthinkable and now I have to live with it.
Pushing myself up from the couch, I head to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water. There's a knock on my door and I think about not answering it, but decide against it. When I open the door, I see Ian on the other side, holding three bags of takeout.
"I didn't know if you wanted Chinese or Indian, so I got both."
"Ian, what are you doing here?"
He tries to come in, but I don't open the door to let him in. "I want to be here for you. I know what we did is messed up, but I can't stop thinking about you. I believe in fate and everything happens for a reason, Lisa. You're here for a reason, same as me. Let me in, please."
I let him in and we both sit in my living room. I can't look at him. This shouldn't be happening, but I want it to. Something inside me is yelling to see what Ian's looking for and to get the answers. I know it's wrong, but Jensen isn't here when I need him. He's putting his job before me and our relationship. If he can be selfish, so can I. I don't care what Stephen says or anyone else. This is my life and my choice to be here with Ian. Plus, it's not like Jensen will find out.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Ian. I'm with Jensen," I start to say, looking at my hands. "I'm happy and my life with him makes sense, but so do you. How can I do this? Why did we break up in the first place?"
"You know," he sits down on the couch, looking at his hands. "I've been thinking about that since I saw you. I don't know why we broke up. I don't know why we lost touch, but I do know that you're here and this has to be my second chance. I know you're with someone else and I hate being the other man." Ian gets up and walks over to me. He places his hands on my shoulders. "But I can't help it. I want you, Lisa. You're all I've been thinking about. Walking away from you for the second time was the hardest thing to do. I gave you space so you could think about what you want and I know you're still confused." He kisses my forehead and rubs my shoulders. "Let me help you make this clear. You love me still, right?" I nod my head. "And you know I love you. No other woman compares to you."
"How can we do this? Do I break up with Jensen?"
Ian kisses me again and invades my mouth with his tongue. His hands are in my hair and little moans are leaving my lips. "Let's see where it goes," he whispers against my lips. "I'll wait for you."
"And you still love me?"
"I never stopped, Lisa. I never stopped loving you. I've had other girlfriends, but no one compares to you. You're it for me. Say what you want, but I know what my heart wants." He brings my hand to his chest and holds it there. I feel his heart beating and I close my eyes, taking in his words. Before I know it, our lips meet, and I don't let him go.
Ian spends more and more time at my apartment. I wake up and he's there. I go to bed and he's there. He knows about Jensen and doesn't push me to make a decision. I can't bring myself to talk to Jensen about this and ask for a break.
How can I love both men? Is that possible?
Walking around the village the next day, I sip on my latte from Starbucks and think about what I should tell Jensen. Does he even have to know? From what he's said before, his schedule is getting busier and he won't be able to see me as much. I've never been second in a man's life and I'm not going to start now. If Jensen can't be here for me, and Ian's willing, then I know what I'm doing and I'm not going to regret it. Sure, I'm being selfish, but I have needs and Ian's there to take care of my needs. I'm a very sexual person who needs to be properly fucked at least once a day.
Sexting isn't anything. It's boring. Child's play. Ian's my right now and Jensen's my future. I'm confident that this will work out and if Jensen finds out, he'll understand. We've been through several rough patches. This will be nothing for us to get over.
Sipping on my latte, I continue my walk, turning down to the canal. My phone vibrates in my pocket, alerting me of either a call or text message.
Jensen: Hey, baby. We haven't talked in a while. What are you doing?
Me: Nothing really. Walking around the village, window shopping. It's a nice day out. I think I'm going to go for a run soon. Who knows?
Jensen: I miss you. Thinking about you a lot and hoping you're okay.
Me: Yeah. I'm fine =) Promise.
Ian: Hey, I just got to your place and you aren't here. Feeling dirty?
Me: Why? What do you have in mind?
Jensen: Well, I feel bad that I'm not there to make sure you're okay. But you should head back home soon.
Me: I'm walking to my car now.
Ian: Does that mean I get to see your sexy ass soon? Because I've been thinking about licking your ass and making you come. You want that, babe? You want my tongue inside you? You need my tongue, huh? Can't get enough because, fuck, just sitting here thinking about your sweet pussy and ass is getting me hard.
Me: I'll be home soon.
Chapter 18
Jensen
It's five in the morning and I'm out running with Fallyn. It's five. In. The. Morning. I've been sleeping like shit, so it's not like it matters. Being out here so early isn't what I had in mind. I look over at Fallyn as she runs. So carefree, while I'm struggling to make it through the day. I hate being ignored by Lisa. Every day, it's something that she makes me feel shitty about. My job and responsibilities shouldn't get in the way of our relationship. I'm fucking working my ass off to give her a future so she doesn't have to worry. I don't want her worrying about anything else except graduating and then coming back home to me and her family.
"Doing okay?" I nod. "Seriously, Jensen, what's up with you?"
"Nothing," I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. "Just relationship problems. Everything I do, Lisa gets upset." I stop running and she follows suit. Taking out my phone, I open my text messages and hand my cell to Fallyn.
Lisa: You're always working! I miss you and need you, Jensen.
Me: I'm trying my hardest to work here and come see you. I'm sorry that I haven't had the chance.
Lisa: I needed you a few weeks ago and you NEVER even came!
Me: What are you talking about? Wandering off? Do you want a break? What do you want?
Lisa: I want my BOYFRIEND to love me and want to spend time with me!
Me: Lisa, what the fuck do you think I'm doing? I work all the time! I hardly see anyone and I missed Emma's recital.
Lisa: I'm your girlfriend, though. The woman you love and want to spend your life with. Sometimes I wonder if we should take a break. You're always so busy, I might as well be single!
Me: I don't know what you want me to say. I love you and I know we'll be okay. I'm sorry that I'm making you feel this way.
"That's it? She hasn't responded?"
"No." I walk away, continuing down the trail. "She's changing into someone I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I fucking love her, but if she can't see what I'm doing and how hard I'm working, then what's the point?"
Fallyn's hand rests on my shoulder. She comes around and faces me. "Because love conquers all. If you believe your love for Lisa is strong enough, then you'll be able to get through this. Love shouldn't be about all of this. She's stressed out and so are you. Don't talk to one another if you're feeling down or upse
t. Words are said and it's not fair to either of you. Take some time and maybe go see her. Like you said, she's never been in love before and you're her first serious boyfriend."
Her words register in my head. I'm looking at this all wrong. I remember what it was like to go through college and all of my courses. The endless amount of time spent studying and doing homework. I'm sure repeating most of her classes isn't easy on her either.
"I'm an asshole, huh?"
"Nope. Just human."
"All right, smart ass. Wanna finish this run?"
"Ready, set…" And she takes off laughing, leaving me behind.
I can't get what Fallyn said out of my head. I'm sitting in my office, looking at my emails, and everything blurs together. I think about texting Lisa and see how she's doing, but I stop myself. I don't know what she needs. Does she need space? I know she needs me and wants me there. Sometimes, I wish I could pick up and leave Wilmington, but Emma, my job, and friends mean a lot to me. Dread consumes me, leaving regret and guilt to fester and grow. How will I know what decision will be right?
I pick up my phone and call Lisa. I'm sure she's in class and won't answer. I need her to hear my voice. Her voicemail picks up and I take a deep breath before letting it out.
Beep.
"Hey, baby, it's me. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry that I haven't been making time for you. You're right. You're my girlfriend and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I hope you realize and know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Have a great day and call me later. I love you, baby."
I put my head down on the desk and close my eyes. She'll be back during breaks and summer. This is only temporary. There's a knock on my office door.
"Hey," I look up and see Karly with Sebastian in her arms. "Wanna grab lunch?" I nod my head and walk over to them. "God, you do look like s-h-i-t."
"Why are you spelling?"
Her eyes go to Sebastian, then back to me. "I don't want my son swearing!"
"He's not even one yet." I laugh, placing my hand on the small of her back and walking out of my office.