by S. Moose
Of course, as things start with Fallyn, I'm backed into a corner and flooded with work at the hospital. I've been spending my nights and weekends with paper and revising documents. This isn't how I wanted to spend my time, but I tell myself this is what I wanted and what I've earned.
A knock on my front door brings me away from my computer. Getting up from the couch, I walk to the front door and see a beautiful Fallyn on the other side.
"Why, hello," she says, walking in and making her way into my kitchen. I notice the bags in her hands and wonder what she's up to. "So I know you've been super busy with work and I know you haven't been eating well, so I decided to come over and make you dinner. Do you object?"
"Absolutely not," I tell her. "Can I get you anything?"
"Nope. Finish what you're working on and, in about an hour, we'll eat and you can take a much needed break."
I sit back down and position myself so that I'm facing her. Watching her move freely in my kitchen, opening my cabinets, taking out the ingredients she needs for whatever she's making, is comforting. But seeing her like this is making me wonder. It's bringing back memories of when she told me about Brody and I can't help but wonder if she's going to allow herself to move on.
I don't want to think that she won't give herself another chance to love. The thought of her being alone makes me sick. I know she's falling for me like I have for her, but how can I make her see we can start something now?
"Come and eat!" I get up and walk to the dining room and see Fallyn's gone all out. In the middle of the table, there's a basket of bread with various dipping oils and butter, a salad bowl with caprese salad, and she's made a shrimp dish with mixed vegetables and quinoa.
"This looks and smells great." I rush over to give her a soft kiss on the cheek and pull out her chair. "Sit down, please."
"Thank you."
I take my seat on the other side of the table, wishing she'd have seated us next to one another. Looking at her, through the candles, I think she's perfect. The natural look she has is sexy. I've seen her wear makeup before, but this is the Fallyn I like.
"Thank you again for making me dinner. Everything looks amazing. You can come cook me dinner anytime you want, but next time, I'm going to cook for you."
"Maybe we can cook together?" she asks me. A blush spreads across her face and I can't help but smile.
"I'd like that."
I see Fallyn finally relax and a smile on her face. Her smile's contagious and soon I'm sitting here like a lovesick fool, watching her and waiting for her to say I'm ready. I want her to be ready, on her own.
After dinner, I have her relax in the living room with a glass of wine. Quickly, I clean the dishes and wipe down the counters. I didn't have to clean too much. Fallyn cleaned as she cooked.
Grabbing a glass of wine for myself, I join her on the couch. "Thank you again for dinner. I needed that tonight."
"You've been working so much lately and it's the least I can do. I make you get up early to go running and you've changed your entire schedule for me."
"I'd do it all over again."
I look outside and notice the clear skies. Putting down my wine glass and hers, I take her hand in mine and lead her outside to my deck. She follows my lead when I sit down and lie on my back.
"What are we doing?"
"Relaxing. We're ignoring everything around us and taking in the beauty of nature."
She's quiet and looks at me, but then turns her head up. I'm not sure how long we're out here for. The silence between us is nice. Her hand is next to mine and I want to feel it back in mine. The words friend and slow down hit me. Any contact with her will be worth it. Anything with her will be worth it. Looking at Fallyn gives me hope. I'm not sure what kind of hope, but whatever it is will be worth it.
"What are you thinking about?"
You.
"Being outside and finally not allowing myself to think about work. What about you?"
"Oh." The tone in her voice seems sad and she says it with a sigh of defeat. "Just things."
"What kind of things?"
"Can someone's heart hold two people?" I notice her hand inch to mine. "How do you know it's okay?"
"You feel it." I grab her hand and bring it to my lips. When I lightly kiss her hand, her eyes find mine and she doesn't pull away. "And I was thinking about you when you asked me."
"Then why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I don't know where your head is. I want to know what you're feeling and how you're feeling. I know this is going fast. You're the one on my mind. You're the one I want to be with." I sit up, her hand still in mine. Our eyes connect and I refuse to look away. "You're who I want to be with."
"I know," she says, sitting up and leaning in to kiss my lips. "Just give me time."
"Okay."
* * * * *
She's been spending more time with me at my house. I like having her here, doing things like cooking, watching TV, or relaxing on the couch and talking. The feelings I have for her are growing and I'm falling fast.
My phone vibrates on the counter and I pick it up.
Lisa: Seriously, can we talk?
Me: There's nothing to talk about. I don't know why you're still trying to talk to me.
Lisa: Because I still fucking love you!
Me: Love? No, Lisa, you thought you loved me. If you loved me, then you wouldn't have cheated on me.
Lisa: It was a mistake!
Me: I'm done, Lisa.
Shoving my phone in my pocket, I hear the chair pull out and shuffling from behind me. When I turn around, Fallyn's leaning on the counter with a smile on her face. Her blue eyes are bright and her hair is tied to the side.
"You look really pretty."
She blushes with my compliment. "Thank you. So do you need help with anything?"
"Nope. Go relax in the living room and when I'm done cooking, I'll come get you."
"Okay." She hops down from the chair and walks away. Before she leaves the kitchen, she turns her head back to me. "You look hot today." She winks and leaves me standing in my kitchen, wanting her.
The conversation is light during dinner. I look at her and watch as she swirls the pasta on her fork. When I reach out to touch her hand, she freezes and looks at me. There are so many things I want to ask her and so much I have to hold back.
"Fallyn?"
She looks up. "Yes?"
"I'm glad you're here with me tonight." I attempt a smile and to touch her hand again, but see the hesitation and fear in her eyes. It's like whenever we take two steps forward, we end up taking five steps back.
"I like being here with you." Her tone is unsure and soft. As soon as the words leave her beautiful lips, she looks back down at her food. Every ounce of me is holding back from holding her in my arms. It's all I want. I want to take this beautifully broken woman in my arms and tell her everything will be okay. I want to tell her it's okay to move on and she'll never have to wonder about or question my devotion for her.
What if she'll never be ready and we stay just friends?
The question makes my stomach turn. It's a possibility that she won't allow herself to be happy. When Jamie died, I grieved for her death, but grieved for Emma. I let her go as soon as her deception came to light. I get that my situation is different from hers, and I want to understand where she's coming from. Thinking about how she feels hurts my heart, and I want to be the one to heal her heart.
After dinner and two bottles of wine later, Fallyn gets up and heads to the kitchen. I watch her move and wonder what she's doing.
"Fallyn?"
She hurries up and looks for her things. I rub the back of my neck, trying to think about why she could be leaving when we've had a great night so far.
"I need to go home."
"And why's that?"
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head. "I don't trust myself here with you."
I stare at her. "You've lost me. What's going on with you? We've been having dinner at
my house and you stay here with me until much later. I'm not pushing you to do anything."
"I know."
"So what's the problem? Why can't you trust yourself around me?" At this point, I don't mean to sound upset or angry. Her back and forth with her feelings doesn't make sense.
"I can't let you in to break my heart. I can't allow you to see me for who I am. I'm still dealing with Brody's death and not having a family. I have a lot of baggage and issues. It's not right for me to move on so soon." She's looking at the wall and refuses to meet my gaze. I'm studying her, watching her move her lips as she talks and the way she's sitting near me. She's fighting this and fighting us.
"You keep saying I'm going to hurt you and you assume that I will. What the hell have I done to make you think that? I'm being respectful and trying to be your friend." I walk closer to her, touching her shoulders, feeling her body tremble to my touch. "Help me understand."
"I don't want you to waste your time with me. I don't want to do something that'll hurt you or hurt our friendship. It means too much to me."
"So now you're scared of hurting me?" My tone is harsh. I don't mean to be rude, but she's confusing the fuck out of me.
"Well, I don't know."
I cross my arms and stare at her. "Tell me what you want," I slowly say, enunciating each word. "You tell me not to rush you and I'm not. Then you want to run away. If you don't know what you want, why are you here?"
She stands up and stands close to me. "I'm here because I want to be here. I'm here because we're friends and I like being with you. It's fun and there's no pressure."
"Funny. Usually, when people want to be near the person they're falling for, they aren't acting like this."
"You're being an asshole, Jensen."
"And you're confusing the fuck outta me!" I turn away, afraid to look at her. "I get it. I get that you miss him and that you're scared of moving on, but I have feelings too. And you're treating me as if I'm gonna fuck you and leave you."
Her hand rests on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. She doesn't say anything and neither do I. My gut clenches and something sprints through my body, pushing down to my legs, making me turn away and pull her in my arms. She fights, but I fight harder. I know I want to give myself more time and be fair. After spending time with her as much as I do, I'm being unfair to myself. Deep down, the thought of loving Lisa and getting her back makes me sick. I can never trust her and I'm at the point in my life where I need more.
"We all have issues. I know what happened to you and you know me. And why would you think I would break your heart?"
"Because if you decide to date me, you'll see I have too many issues, then leave me to find someone else."
Now I'm pissed. She obviously doesn't know me. "We keep going round and round. Don't worry about me breaking your heart because you don't have faith in me, so what's the point?" I walk away, leaving her in the kitchen. I don't know what else to say. Heading into my bedroom, I close the door and fall to my bed. I think about what she said and want to shake her for thinking that. I've never given her any doubt, so why is she starting now?
In a matter of seconds, the night changes. The back and forth games we're playing are pissing me off. I like her and I know damn well she likes me. She has baggage and so do I. Maybe I'm fooling myself and this is a sign or some shit. Maybe I'm over thinking and need to take a step back. When she's around me, I can't think clearly. There's a pull to her and I don't want to let go. I don't want to cut the tie because I want her to push so I can pull harder.
A little over an hour passes with me and my thoughts before I head back out. Fallyn's sleeping on the couch and little soft snores are escaping her soft lips. Her shiny blonde hair covers parts of her face. I take a moment and stare at her, taking her in, memorizing her every feature.
I lift her in my arms and bring her to my bedroom. I ignore how soft her body feels against mine and how I wish she would let go of her insecurities and realize how good we can be together.
Kissing her forehead, I bring the blanket to her chin and leave my bedroom and head to the guest bedroom. Everything in me is screaming to run to her and hold her throughout the night. I want to hear her breathe and know what she's dreaming about. I want to feel her in my arms and never let go. This is what she's doing to me and I want more. I need more. Now to figure out how to get her to be mine.
The next morning, the smell of bacon and eggs assault my senses. Rising quickly out of bed, I walk out into the kitchen and find Fallyn by the stove, cooking.
"Morning."
She turns and her face turns bright pink. "Hi," she quietly says.
"Did you sleep well?"
"I did. And you?"
"Yeah."
Okay, enough with the small talk. "So do you mind telling me what was up with yesterday?"
"Do you wanna know the truth?"
I nod. "That'll be helpful."
"You know I'm scared, but the real reasons I'm scared are because I don't want people looking at me badly for moving on so fast and I don't want to forget Brody and our lives together. He just passed away six, almost seven, months ago. I feel like I need more time, even though I do like you a lot."
Shocked isn't the word. I get her fears of being judged and what people will say. I'd never let any negative words hurt her. Just like I'd never let her forget about the man she loves. As much as it pains me to admit it, I want to keep his memory alive and learn more about Brody.
Slowly walking around the counter and to her side, I stroke her arm with my fingers and tilt her head towards me. "I will never allow anyone to hurt you with their judgments and I will never allow you to forget Brody. I want to know more about him, Fallyn. Will you tell me?"
Her eyes widen and her jaw drops. Placing my fingers under her chin, I close her mouth for her, trying so hard not to laugh. Her hand touches her chest and then mine.
"You're beautiful," she softly speaks with adoration and surprise.
"I told you everything and I want you to believe me." I pause and look at her. I have to be careful when I ask her certain questions, hoping I don't trigger her impulse to run. "Do you think you made a mistake, thinking you can push me away with your insecurities?"
Without faltering, she answers, "Yes."
"Do you think maybe you should give us a chance?" Her body tenses and she continues to look at me. "Take your time."
"That's all I think about. You are all I think about. Even when I don't want to, you're still on my mind. I miss you when we're not together and I've been trying so hard to think of you as a friend, but I can't. And then you kissed me and it's confusing me. I like you so much, but are you over Lisa?"
"Yes."
"How can you be so sure?"
She fidgets and sways side to side. I keep my eyes on her and wait for her to look at me again. I need her to look at me when I talk to her. "When I look at you, I see you. I don't see Lisa or anyone else." I pull out my phone and hand it to her. "Here; look at my messages to Lisa."
"No. I don't want to. I want to trust you."
I place the phone in her hand and kiss her forehead. "Just read them, please." I turn and walk away so she can have privacy. I'm serious about wanting to make her mine and I'll do anything I can to make it happen.
Sitting on the couch, I turn on the TV and watch the news. Minutes pass and Fallyn sits down next to me, resting her hand on my upper thigh.
"I don't want to be a rebound. I want to be someone you want, not someone that you sleep with and forget because your heart's broken."
"You're right." Her head shoots up and my eyes meet hers. My hands caress her face and she leans in to my touch, wanting so much more and kicking myself for not thinking about her feelings. "You're a beautiful woman, Fallyn. You deserve to be swept off your feet and showered with love and adoration. You're not someone I could sleep with and then forget." She doesn’t say anything, and that’s fine. I need her to listen to my words and take it all in. The more walls she has, the mor
e I’m willing to break down each one.
Chapter 26
Fallyn
Jensen touches my hand, stroking it lightly, sending shivers down my body. What the hell? "Having you here, right now, means the world to me, Fallyn. You've been a great friend and I appreciate everything you've been doing." He pauses, keeping his stare strong and intense. I lick my lips without realizing it. Shit, he's really close. "I don't know what I would do without you." His eyes fall on my lips as he comes in closer and I let him. As his lips touch mine, a fire inside me ignites. I want him. I want to feel him against me. His tongue invades my mouth. My hands wrap around his neck, bringing him closer to me.
The promise of this kiss fills me with hope of a chance to be happy. For so long, I've been alone, and here I am in the arms of Jensen and I don't want to leave. It's an amazing feeling to feel wanted again.
Jensen pulls away, still looking at me with warmth in his eyes. "I want you. I want more than to be your friend," he whispers.
"When you say you want me…"
"I'm not saying in that way." He pauses and smirks. "Yet. I want to do things differently. You make me feel good, and I don't want to rush into things. I can wait."
The way his words sink into me causes my heart to skip a beat. It seems so sweet and innocent, just like him. Slow. We both need to take things slow. Both of our hearts are vulnerable. There’s no reason to rush things. Honestly, I’m scared to jump into another relationship. Having only been with Brody, I’m scared that I’m not experienced enough in the relationship world to be with Jensen.
These questions flood my mind, driving me crazy and giving me doubts. Right now, in this moment, I think I can only give him friendship.
"I need to get going. I have to work tonight."
"I don't like you working overnights." He pulls me to his body and we fall on his couch. Bursts of laughter spill from both of us. I try moving out of his arms and lap, but he keeps me in place. "You're not going anywhere. I love feeling you in my arms."
I don't fight back. Instead, I lean into him and we sit in a peaceful silence, enjoying the calmness and each other.