by Ann, Pamela
My hand shook a little when I plucked the device off the countertop.
The intended surrogate was pretty. She looked like she was from Italian descent.
“What do you think?” His question echoed in my mind as I kept staring at the pretty picture.
She was strikingly pretty, too pretty for my liking. Did he choose this particular picture for another reason? I thought darkly as jealousy slowly crept in my system. Would Blake treat her like a queen because she was inseminated with his sperm? My train of thought was a total wreck, yet I couldn’t help it.
“You want her to live here while she’s carrying your child? Don’t tell me you want to fuck her, too?”
“Don’t be bloody absurd!” he thundered out, insulted.
“I don’t want any of this.” I slid the phone back towards him just as the tethering madness of anger exploded. “If you can’t wait to have a child, then maybe you married the wrong woman.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous.” His nostrils flared as he stared at me with eyes full of a lot of things I didn’t care noticing. “Could we sit down and discuss this rationally? This is the most plausible solution for the both of us.”
“I am not going to let another woman carry your child!” I shrieked. “I can just see how enamored you’d be. You might end up falling for her, or much worse, believe that she’s truly the mother of your child. I’m not going to let that happen. Not on my watch.”
He pulled the side of his hair, muttering something in Italian. “If you can’t stand the bloody thought of another woman carrying our child, then why don’t you do it for us, Sienna? It’s only nine months. I know that’s a lot of time to ask you to sacrifice, but I promise, I will deliver on whatever it is you wish for. If you want a job anywhere, just name it, I’ll make it happen. If you want to open a business, just say so, I’d provide all the help so you wouldn’t even have to worry about a thing. If you want to travel the world, hell, I have jets on standby to take you anywhere. Don’t you see how desperate I am for this, Sienna?” His voice shook. “I’m man enough to tell you that I’m desperate to have our baby, and I’m beseeching you, begging for your consideration to grant me this wish, just this once. I promise I’ll move Heaven and earth to make you happy. I can love the child for the both of us, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
This was getting to be too much to handle. How could he go on and on about this when it was a dead end? Why couldn’t he just drill it into his head?
“You’re pushing me to have a baby when I’m not ready for it. I’m just not. And you said it yourself in the very beginning that you’d be willing to wait until I was ready. What happened to that?”
“My grandfather’s sickness happened.”
“You’re asking for the impossible, Blake. I’m sorry, but my answer hasn’t changed.”
“I know,” he murmured much to himself. “But it was worth a try.”
His broken face and dispirited demeanor brought immense despair.
“Don’t do this. Don’t withdraw from me. Trust me, this is for the best.” I had believed in my heart this would not change our relationship, but looking at his stricken face, I wasn’t so sure anymore.
“You’re right. My apologies. This was a mistake.” The smile he granted me tore my insides raw.
“We’re going to be fine,” I assured him. I wanted to walk towards him and give him comfort, however he stopped me with a look before I even took a step forward.
“I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight. I need to clear my head.”
Okay, at least it wasn’t the office or a nearby hotel. That was a small blessing.
“If that’s what you think is best.”
~
When Blake said that he needed to stay the night in one of our guest rooms, I truly thought he meant one night. Five days later, he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to move back into our bedroom.
It was troubling to see how the argument had brought us so far apart. I’d love to reach out to him, feel his touch again, his warmth, and the sweetness of his kisses, but I knew he wasn’t ready to do any of that. The past five days were indication enough; he didn’t even try to call or text me like he usually did. There were no messages of sweet nothings, sometimes asking me if I had forgotten any meals, or if I fancied anything in particular for dinner, like he usually did. Most of the time, those messages were small reminders that showed me how much he loved me.
I can’t get you out of my head.
Ti amo, cara. Never fail to remember that.
You unman me, amore.
Don’t forget to enrich your gorgeous body with breakfast, poppet.
Forever I am yours, Mr. Knightly.
I’m in a meeting. Instead of listening to new proposals, I imagine you amidst the table, dancing, seducing me with your gorgeous eyes, with your body. Did I tell you how much you affect me, Sienna?
I love you. You. Just you. Forever you. Always you. Mrs. Knightly.
Husband here… thinking about this wicked witch who woke me up in the middle of the night, beautifully riding me like I was her instrument for pleasure. You amaze me, cara. I knew I married you for all sorts of pleasurable reasons.
Did I tell you that each time I passed Knightsbridge that I remember that first time I took you for a massage? My God, how I ached for you then… and how much that has tripled since then…
Hi, Sienna. Please tell me you miss me.
New trendy restaurant opened in Mayfair. Mind if you let your knight take you out on a date?
Back in my London office, mind paying me a kinky visit anytime soon?
Don’t forget lunch, cara.
Fucking hell. I bloody fucking miss you.
These random ramblings from him here and there, whether he was in the country or out on business halfway across the world, never failed to let me know I was never far from his thoughts. His utter silence was deafening now. This was his punishment… by completely ignoring me?
Well, at least he still came home, I thought dourly, yet the idea didn’t bring much comfort, either.
So I dined all by myself, patiently waiting for him to arrive so I could at least see him, even if he looked at me with no emotions. Every day, it was getting harder to bridge the gap between us. I completely ignored our friends when they tried to invite us to do something fun with them. I sure wasn’t ready to bring this out in the open when we hadn’t resolved it yet. I missed seeing our friends, but I missed my husband more.
When the time indicated it was ten past ten, I gave in to my wishes and took my phone to call him. When it kept ringing and I was sent to voicemail, I wasn’t even surprised that he didn’t take my call, yet I tried again for the second time, feeling like a possessed woman, simply needing to reassure myself that he wasn’t in some freak accident or out and about town.
I was about to hang up when I knew that in another ring the voicemail would come through, but I was surprised to actually hear his voice on the other end.
“Hello?” He didn’t sound irritated, but he didn’t seem welcoming, either. Fuck, he was making me nervous.
“It’s me. I was just wondering why you’re not home yet? Are you still in the office?”
“No. I left a few hours ago.”
Well, okay… At least he was responding to my questions. “Where are you?”
“I’m about to head to a private club to meet with the guys. Do you need something, Sienna?”
Yes, I need you home. I needed my Blake back.
“I just miss you. I’ve missed you terribly.” My feelings took over, and I couldn’t help telling him how much I wanted things to be back to how they were between us.
His immediate silence cut through my heart. Deeply.
“Don’t you love me anymore? Why are you acting this way?” My insecurities came in full force, overwhelming me, yet I couldn’t stop hemorrhaging it out of my mouth. The toxicity of it was acrid on my tongue. “Is this your way of saying that you want a divorce?” I hic
cupped at the word, dying slowly inside. “Because if it is, just fucking say so! And if you’ve already slept with another woman, I swear to God I’ll take you to the cleaners. You can kiss those billions of yours goodbye!” Tears fell on my face as I imagined him taking another woman, sharing himself like he usually did when he and I were through.
I stared at the phone, wondering if he had hung up, but it still showed we were connected.
What the bloody flying fuck! “Blake, stop pissing me off!” I screamed into the phone, losing it like a mental person.
“I would never divorce you.” His voice flittered through the phone. “Even if it kills me. Even if I loathed you on sight. Even if you cheated on me. Even if you’re suffering, we’ll suffer together. There will never be a divorce.”
His words sent me into a panic overdrive.
“Well, maybe it was a blessing then because I will never give you a child. If you’re willing to let me suffer, then so will you. I’m going to make you regret that you’ve ever met me.”
“Maybe it’s just as well I make someone else pregnant with my first born then.”
His words were cruel, as were mine, however this was getting to be too much. It was as if he had pushed me into a cold, freezing lake and left me to drown.
“I would kill your whore and your bastard baby. Then I would kill you before taking my own life.” I was shaking before I dropped on the couch, feeling helpless.
“You want a divorce, Sienna?”
No. Oh, God no… I wouldn’t… I’d die without you…
“If this is what marriage to you is like, then yes, I want one.”
“I’ll give you your divorce in exchange for a baby,” he said without emotion.
And then I’d be out of his life forever? What about the baby? What about me? How could he say these things to me? He vowed to love me forever…
“Is that the only way you’d free me?” I wondered out loud, loneliness setting me adrift.
“Yes.”
Was this still my husband? I knew I had said some callous words, and the old Blake used to be cruel. Even then, it was obvious he was still in love with me. But this man I was speaking to, was another man entirely. It was Blake, yet he was also a stranger to me.
“I’ll call the lawyers to prepare them for the divorce. Our pre-nuptial agreement has a lot of clauses. Nine months will be enough time for negotiation since you want a hefty amount of my billions. Best they get to it before you give birth.” Then he hung up, leaving me reckless and desolate.
What have I done? Why did I have to make that stupid phone call? Had I not pestered and goaded him to be angry with me, he would have come home, and eventually, we could’ve resolved things as we usually did. But things were said and done, and there was no way in hell I could undo the hurtful words I had slung at him. I regretted them greatly. However, I couldn’t help tearing into him to give him an idea of the shit-storm I was going through. I had been selfish, and in turn, my selfishness had cost me my marriage.
There was nothing else I could do. Even if I apologized, I doubted Blake would take pity on me. I had showed a side of me I didn’t know existed. So what did a brokenhearted woman do once she realized she was about to divorce the man of her dreams the moment she popped a baby? I cried myself out until there were no tears left.
I woke up some time around midnight with no sign of him anywhere. Reluctantly, I went in the shower to wash the stickiness of my tears off my face and body. B, but even there, my tears formed and spilled with no signs of stopping. Therefore, I stayed awhile, until my eyes stung from the constant tearing. Then I got out and wrapped myself in one of my silk robes that Blake used to love seeing on me.
Staring into the mirror, I took a hard look at myself, wondering what had happened to me to blow my fuse the way I had with Blake. I could beg, my mind tried to convince me, but at this point, there was no going back. I had made my bed, as they say.
My eyes dropped, as did the tears, before my eyes caught the sight of my gargantuan engagement ring.
I still remembered the first time I had caught sight of it, staring into the beauty of the diamond. The past caught up to me.
“Did that feel like a game to you?” I lowered my eyes and stared at his chest. “Damn you! That kiss felt more real than anything else in this world. You love me! That kiss just proved that you do. I love you, too, Sienna. I can’t live without you. Will you marry me?”
I gasped and stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights as he got on a bended knee. He produced a ginormous rock. It was certainly more than fifteen carats. The ring was a princess-cut, canary diamond surrounded with smaller diamonds and had been designed in a halo pattern with diamonds surrounding the entire band; the eternity band.
“The color of the rock reminds me of the color of your eyes when they get caught with the sun, like liquid gold. I commissioned this ring to be made the day after I left for New York. That night, I knew you were it for me. I don’t want anyone else. I know everything’s been unfolding so quickly, but I wanted—needed—you to know how much you mean to me. I love you wholeheartedly. Will you please let me be the happiest man in all of England and say yes?”
I stared wide-eyed at the ring, back to his face and back to the ring again. Shocked didn’t even begin to cover my reaction.
“Blake… I’m sorry… I can’t.”
He abruptly stood up and grabbed my face with a fierce scowl. “What do you mean you can’t? How hard is it to say yes?”
“I can’t. I’m sorry,” I stammered through my tears.
“I see. I guess, I imagined that you felt the same way, but I suppose that’s all it was, all in my imagination.”
He heaved and turned to me with a stony face. “You’ll regret this because I’ve only ever loved you and when you see me happy with another woman, you’ll regret it even more. Your thoughts will be haunted by me; the one that got away. Goodbye, Sienna.” He stood there for a few seconds before sliding in the Aston Martin, gunning the engine and rapidly vanishing through the traffic.
He had been right, I was going to regret it, but at the same time, maybe he was just too intense for me. When I was dating Kyle before, it was never like this; contrasting Heaven and Hell, never in between. The fights were always tumultuous and the love was blindingly consuming. Maybe our love just wasn’t right. Maybe we weren’t supposed to stay together this long.
Could I live without Blake? Maybe, maybe not. All I knew was that I was a survivor, and I always managed to keep afloat, even if I had nothing to fight for, nothing worth living for.
I wasn’t sure why, but I caught myself taking off the engagement ring and then the wedding band. Automatedly, I placed them on the mirrored dresser while my insides recoiled at the mere sight of them.
Divorce. The word taunted me.
Strolling towards the bedroom, I tugged against the comforter before I heard a thud coming from downstairs. And right off the bat, my heart hammered against my ribcage, surging life through me again.
“Don’t go,” I murmured to myself, yet my feet had a mind of their own, not heeding the warning my mind was giving. My silk robe trailed beneath my feet as I strode along the hallways, towards the stairs. Stopping atop the stair landing, the foyer was empty, therefore I decided to descend the steps, and mid-way through it, he emerged from living room.
It felt like time stood still—suspended—as we stared into each other, realizing that we weren’t meant to be. Even still, my eyes devoured him. The mere sight of him almost brought me to my knees.
He seemed detach as he looked at me, as if I was something uninteresting. He was the first one who broke the eye contact, leaving me beyond disconcerted.
He is done with me. The old Blake could never get enough of me. This man did. He even looked irritated.
As I watched him like a hawk, he started to unhurriedly stride towards the stairs. He was avoiding eye contact as he started to take each step before passing me without any sort of greeting, with
out a word at all.
But something bright caught my eye.
“Son of a bitch!” I shrilled like an unhinged banshee before I yanked his arm back so he couldn’t walk another step before I went a step ahead of him to gain more eye leverage then slapped his emotionless face. “You have a lipstick mark on your cheek. How fucking dare you come home with that shit on you!”
He remained motionless, not even caring to meet my eyes, nor did he care to defend himself. He was merely detached. Empty.
“Look at me!” I yelled. “Fucking look at me,” I demanded again, but he never did bring up his face to meet mine. The racking pain made me feel dangerous. It was making me lose my mind. Nothing made sense to me. “I see. Okay. You’ve already done your part. Well, it’s time I did mine then,” I hissed at his non-responding face. “How would you feel if I let Kyle fuck me until kingdom come? Or better yet, how about your cousin Clive? I’m sure he could use a good workout.”
“Go shag whoever you want, but leave my family alone,” he grounded out but made no effort to look at me still, which only goaded me to do more damage.
He hated the mention of his hot cousin. Well, too bad. All was fair in love and war. And this… this was definitely World War III. I wasn’t going to lie, it bothered me he didn’t even care that I thought of Kyle. This realization only worsened my condition.
Disgusted at the both of us, I tightened my robe as I decided to take flight, but this time, he was the one doing the arm yanking.
“I said leave Clive alone,” he gritted out the words before he lifted his eyes to reveal his stormy ones.
He made me breathless, even in this unfortunate time.
“Did you hear me, Sienna? Go waste yourself with someone else, but don’t you dare fuck any of my relatives.”
I wanted to spit at him. Maybe slap him again. Or maybe kick his dick because the chances of him sleeping with the woman who left a lipstick mark on his cheek were already a given. The bastard had cheated on me. He fucking cheated on me!