“Aren’t you going to ask me in?”
She looked up at him, her insides melting at the expression in his eyes. Unable to deny him anything when he looked at her like that, she said lightly, “Of course. Would you like to come in?”
He grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.” He swung out of the car and came around to open the door for her. “As you can see, I got you home safely.”
“So you did.” She climbed out and walked past him to the entrance. “I never had a moment’s doubt.”
“Is that why you white-knuckled the dash all the way home?”
She pulled a face at him, while something twisted painfully inside. How she would miss these moments...the lighthearted banter between them, the serious discussions, the excitement of never knowing when he was going to kiss her....
She pulled up short at her door. “I don’t have a key. It was in my purse that I lost in the fire.” Only now did she realize that there were no cops in the parking lot. They must have been called off last night.
Nat gently shouldered her aside. “Allow me.” He looked at the lock. “Hmmm...dead bolt. Hold on a minute.” He fished out of his pocket what looked like a small packet of miniature tools. A moment of fiddling with one of them and he had the door open.
Valeri looked up at him. “Is that legal?”
Nat lifted his eyebrows. “Would I do anything illegal?”
She smiled sweetly at him. “Would a cat eat fish?”
With a pained expression, he held a hand over his heart. “Oh, how this woman wounds me.”
She laughed. “It would take a lot more than that to wound you, I’d say. Come on in, I’ll fix you a drink.”
“Sounds good to me.” He followed her into her spacious, neatly furnished apartment, his eyes drawn immediately to the vibrant wall hanging draped above the fireplace. “Nice,” he commented. “Where’d you get it?”
“My mother made it.” Valeri looked wistfully at the tapestry depicting a child in a white dress enjoying a summer picnic in a shady wood. “She copied a picture she’d taken of me when I was eight.”
“Your mother was very talented.”
“Yes, she was.” Valeri cleared her throat. She would never understand why her mother went to such great lengths to keep her from her father, and she found that hard to forgive. But she couldn’t deny the fact that she missed her mother, at times quite painfully.
“I’m sorry.” Nat’s arms came around her from behind. “I seem to have a knack for saying the wrong thing lately.”
She leaned back against his chest, enjoying the quiet strength she always felt emanating from him at times like this. “It’s all right. I’m feeling a little overly emotional right now, I guess.”
“Well, here, maybe this will help.” He turned her in his arms, and as she had known he would...hoped he would...covered her mouth with his.
The fire in her veins flared up instantly. She clung to him, threading her fingers through his hair as the world slowly faded out of sight. His hands roamed her back...her sides...his thumbs caressing the curve of her breasts.
He lifted his head, his mouth inches from hers. “I made you a promise last night,” he murmured. “I’m here to keep it.”
Oh, how she longed just to accept what was happening and enjoy it. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t let things go all the way, only to freeze up at the last minute.
She pulled back, resisting the pressure of his arms. “I’m sorry, Nat.”
She saw bewilderment and pain in his eyes, and felt like crying. “What is it with you?” he demanded harshly. “Why do you blow hot and cold like this? One minute you’re all soft and warm, promising me all kinds of wonderful things with your eyes, and the next you’re freezing up like a...a...damn virgin.”
She pulled out of his arms and turned away, determined not to cry. “I’m sorry, Nat. It’s not that I don’t want to—it’s that I can’t.”
“What the hell does that mean?” He flung himself into her armchair and crossed his ankles, looking ferociously up at her.
She pulled in a long breath and knelt in front of him. “It means that I am physically unable to respond to a man. Any man. My mother had a horror of sex, which was why Alex left. She considered the whole thing evil and dirty. She did it with my father because it was her duty, but after I was born she moved out of his bed and never went back.”
Nat looked even more bewildered. “But you know better than that, don’t you?”
She nodded. “Yes, I do. I talked to a therapist and I read all the books. But all those years of growing up and being told that it was evil to let a man touch me has had a profound effect on my mind. My body wants to enjoy it, my mind won’t allow it. My first marriage failed because of my hang-up.”
Nat tilted his head back and let out a sigh. “Why didn’t you tell me before? You must think I’m a jerk....”
“No.” She laid her fingers against his cheek. “It isn’t your fault. You didn’t know. Nat, that’s why I’ve never met anyone else since my divorce. It was why I could be so sure that I wasn’t married to Sabhad. Any man that I become involved with would have to accept me for who I am. He would have to love me for my mind and my personality, and not my body. Because I don’t know if I’d ever be able to enjoy the physical side of a relationship. There are not many men willing to accept a woman on those terms.”
Nat gave her one of his helpless, little-boy looks that could tear her heart apart. “Valeri, I don’t know what to say. I have to admit, any relationship I’ve ever had has always been based for the most part on the physical aspects. I don’t know how to love a woman any other way. All this just blows my mind.”
“I know.” Valeri could hardly stand the ache that spread throughout her body when she got to her feet. “That’s why I had to tell you. I just couldn’t let you think I was normal, when I knew I would end up disappointing you.”
He stood up, too, his fingers grasping her chin. “Don’t you ever say that,” he said fiercely. “Don’t you ever say you’re not normal.” He kissed her hard, then let her go. “You are the most normal woman I know. You’re just different.”
“I’m sorry, Nat.”
He shrugged, and the expression on his face broke her heart. “I’m sorry, too. The problem is, Valeri, you need a man who can fulfill your special needs. I’m just not that man. I never will be. I’d only end up hurting you.”
She nodded, gritting her teeth so that she wouldn’t cry. “I’m sorry, too, Nat. But I can’t regret meeting you. It was an...interesting experience.”
He gave her a crooked smile. “Yeah. It was. Well...I guess I’d better leave.”
Her throat hurt with the effort to hold back the tears. “You take care of yourself, okay?”
“You, too, sweetheart.” He bent his head and gently touched her lips with his. It was a kiss of regret...a kiss of goodbye. “I’ll never forget you, Valeri. Think of me now and again?”
She managed a weak smile. “How could I ever forget the devil who kidnapped me?”
His gaze moved over her face as if committing it to memory. “You know what they say,” he said softly. “Better the devil you know...”
“Than the devil you don’t,” she finished for him. “I’ll remember that.” Always, her heart echoed. For there would never be a man alive who could make her forget Nathan Thorne.
Chapter 14
Time had no meaning for Valeri in the weeks that followed. She went back to the office saying as little as possible about her adventures, which made interesting news in the papers for a day or two. She refused to be interviewed by the reporters, and after a while they gave up to chase after more topical subjects.
Alex improved quickly, and rescheduled his meeting in Washington. He was waiting to hear any day the outcome of his petition. He asked her once or twice if she had heard from Nat, but after getting her negative answers for a while, refrained from asking her again.
She was relieved about that. Any mention of Nat’s nam
e brought fresh pain, reopening wounds that hadn’t had time to heal. She lost the enthusiasm for her work and left more and more to her assistants, until one day, her chief advisor and good friend Cone Anderson sat her down in the office and proceeded to lecture her.
Corie was happily married and the mother of two small children. Valeri had often admired the way she managed her family life without letting it interfere with her job. Right now, however, she looked more like a mother than she did an employee.
“This business was built on your name, your record,” she said, while Valeri sat slumped in her chair. “Without your input our customers are not happy.”
Valeri looked up, shaken out of her lethargy. “I haven’t had any complaints.”
“Oh, they’re satisfied, they’re just not ecstatic about the results—the way they should be if we are to have their repeat business. There are a lot of PR companies out there—some a good deal cheaper than us—who can satisfy them just as well. It’s your special touch, your talent, your ideas that keep the customers coming back to us.”
Valeri sighed. She couldn’t seem to fight her way out of the cloak of depression that sometimes threatened to smother her. “I just can’t seem to come up with anything anymore. I lay awake at night trying to come up with ideas, and everything is blank. Maybe the blows I took to my head have destroyed my creativity. Maybe I’ve lost it all.”
Corie perched herself on the edge of the desk. “Nonsense. You can’t lose your creativity that way. If you want my opinion, Val, I think you need a break. All that excitement you had was bound to end with a letdown. You’re just burned out, that’s all.”
The feeling of desolation that had robbed Valeri of so much sleep lately almost overwhelmed her. “I don’t want a break. I’d go crazy sitting around doing nothing.”
“I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings,” Corie said gently, “but that’s exactly what you’ve been doing for the past three weeks. What you need is something to stir up your creative juices again.”
Valeri fought her irritation, knowing that her friend was only trying to help. “So what do you suggest? I go shopping in New York?”
Corie grinned. “Sounds like a good start. Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of an African safari, a trip to Hawaii, or a cruise, maybe. Start a new hobby. Go somewhere or do something you’ve never done before.”
Valeri gave her friend a hopeless look. Nothing appealed to her. Nothing could compare to the excitement of watching Nathan Thorne smile at her, or feeling the strength of his arms about her. “I’ll think about it,” she promised.
“Do more than think about it.” Corie slipped off the desk. “Do it. If you don’t, you won’t be able to do it later on, you’ll be too busy fighting to save your business.”
Valeri waited until Corie had left the office, then wandered over to the window. The sun-drenched street below hummed with the light traffic that would become a roar in another hour or two when the rush hour started.
She watched the cars hustling for space, threading in and out among the slower trucks and buses. Nat was probably in some jungle somewhere, surrounded by the fragrance of tropical flowers and the calls of exotic birds, instead of the strident horns and stinking exhausts trapped by the static heat of the city.
As always, the thought of him again tore open the barely healed wounds. No matter what she did, she couldn’t get the memories out of her mind. She heard his voice a thousand times a day, whispering her name. She’d wake up in the night, her body aching with an inexplicable need, tormented by the memory of his arms holding her close, his mouth hot on hers.
She had to stop torturing herself like this, she told herself, as the now familiar ache spread rapidly through her body. Corie was right. She had to snap out of this gloom and doom. A cruise sounded like a good idea.
Before she could change her mind again, she crossed the room and picked up the phone. Within minutes she had herself booked in a single cabin on a cruise ship heading for the Caribbean.
The bar stank of body odor and strong tobacco. The heat was suffocating, the kind of steamy heat that can drain the energy and fog the mind. Smoke curled around the dim lanterns on the walls and the noisy jukebox in the corner, while bamboo curtains hung limply in the doorway, barely moving without a breeze to stir them.
Nat stared down at the dark stains on the table and wished he were anywhere other than Manila. The job had created frustration right from the start. Nothing had gone right. His contact hadn’t turned up, and he’d wasted days trying to find out what happened to him.
By the time he’d been offered a replacement, the timing was off and he’d had to replan the entire operation. Now he was stuck in this goddamn hole until the timing was right. Whenever that might be.
The American he’d been sent to rescue from a Manila jail must have given up hope by now. He was due to be executed in a few days. All diplomatic attempts at gaining his release had failed. Now his only hope rested entirely on Nat’s shoulders, and Nat couldn’t do a damn thing to help the poor bastard because his hands were tied by the useless idiots who’d been sent to help him.
He twisted his glass viciously in his hands, and stared down at the swirling whiskey. He was losing his edge. The job was going sour on him and he didn’t know why.
He’d even begun to think lately that he was too old for this life of constant threat and danger. He was going to be forty in a few months. He’d been lucky so far, but how long would his luck hold out?
He was getting tired, slowing down. And that wasn’t good. Not only his life, but the lives of many others, depended on him staying on his toes. Maybe he should get a checkup. Maybe the physical beatings he’d taken over the years were finally having an effect on him.
He lifted the glass and drained it in one gulp. Slamming it down on the table, he beckoned to the waitress, who was lolling against the counter watching him out of the corner of her eye.
He knew she’d been watching him for the past half hour. He was aware of every woman in that bar, accompanied or alone. He knew which ones might be interested, and which ones to avoid. He watched the waitress now as she sidled up to his table, one hand resting provocatively on her fleshy hip.
“More whiskey?” Her voice purred from her full lips, more a caress than a question.
He looked her over. Her white blouse hung from one shoulder, dipping low enough for him to see the curve of her succulent breasts. Her rounded hips swayed slightly, drifting the long black skirt about her bare ankles.
When he looked up she was smiling, her eyes hot and inviting. Dark brown eyes, full of promise...and they did nothing for him. Absolutely nothing. It was as if he were dead inside, drained of all sexual response. He just wasn’t interested. And for Nathan Thorne, that was a significant first.
“More whiskey,” he said curtly, and watched the invitation die in her eyes. She flounced away, her hips bouncing from side to side in her anger, and he knew he would have to wait for his whiskey. He looked around the bar, sizing up the rest of the women. More than one of them met his gaze, sending him body signals with a slight movement of their heads, or a touch of fingers to the lips.
He knew all the signs. He could read them clear across a jam-packed room. At one time he would have taken his pick and played the game. Not now. There wasn’t one woman there who could raise the slightest response in his weary body. There hadn’t been since he’d left the States.
He stared across the room, oblivious now of the hot glances coming his way. Not since he’d left the States. He thought about that, long and hard. Gradually he was forced to face the truth—the facts that he’d refused to accept until now. He hadn’t been interested in a woman since the day he’d walked away from Valeri, and left more than just a memory behind.
He wasn’t interested in women anymore because they weren’t Valeri.
He could have all the sex he wanted with little more than a flick of his fingers. But the truth was, he felt more excitement just by holding Valeri i
n his arms than anything he remembered with other women.
Just thinking about her...the way her dark hair blew across her forehead, the way her eyes lit up when she looked at him, the funny little smile she gave him when he teased her, the feel of her, warm and exciting, in his arms...just thinking about all that woke up his body again.
He sat there for a long time, stunned by what had happened to him. He was unaware of the sulky waitress slamming down his drink. The sultry heat no longer bothered him—he couldn’t see the come-hither smiles of the women, or the warning scowls from their suspicious men.
He saw only a nude body, bathed in moonlight and framed in the doorway of a ramshackle hut on a cold night in the Sierra mountains. And in that moment he knew that his life would never be the same again.
Ignoring the whiskey on the table, he got to his feet and threw some bills down in the puddle spreading beneath his glass. He had a lot of thinking to do, and some tough decisions to make. He still had a job to take care of, but when it was done, he would be free to chart a new course. Now he had to decide where that course would take him. And how much he was willing to risk.
Valeri tapped on the door of Corie’s office and stuck her head inside. “I’m going down to pick up my tickets for the cruise,” she said when Corie looked up with a smile.
“Good girl. Why don’t you take the afternoon off and shop for some new clothes for the trip, while you’re about it.”
Valeri pretended to frown. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“If it will bring back the vibrant, energetic, enthusiastic Valeri that we all know and love, then yes, I’m anxious to get rid of you. Go have fun. We’ll manage here.”
That was the problem, Valeri thought as she closed the door again. They could all manage very well without her. She just seemed to have lost all ambition. The work no longer interested her.
The Mercenary And The Marriage Vow Page 22