by David Cross
(melody suddenly sweet)
Gwine to love all night,
Gwine to love all day!
The singers are interrupted by Dancer #3.
DANCER
Hey it’s Doo Dah!
Two guys, covered in grease, dressed in muscle-T’s and sharing one pair of pants tromp over to the gang. One guy’s shirt reads, “DOO,” and the other’s reads, “DAH.” They do a gay dance.
DOO
Look out, gang, here comes Studs Manly!
DAH
The greatest race car driver in the south!
DOO
In my mouth?!
ANGLE ON: TEENAGE VIEWER in theatre, confused and uncomfortable.
ON-SCREEN: An older “Stumpy” bursts out of the “office.”
STUMPY
Shut up you two… or one… or… oh whatever! Danni!
INT. RACETRACK, OFFICE
Danni enters the colorful pigsty office of the track, wiping grease from her hands. She looks pretty butch.
DANNI
What is it, Pops?
STUMPY
It’s your lucky day. I swore I’d never do this, but, well… Studs Manly is on his way over and he needs someone to race against. Dilly Chestholder is getting his stomach pumped, and Bugs Vapor got his foot stuck in a man, so you’re all I’ve got.
DANNI
But I thought I couldn’t ’cause I was a girl!
Stumpy shushes her and hands her a big, bushy moustache.
STUMPY
Shhh, wear this and no one will know.
CLOSE ON: Danni looking at the moustache.
A Racing Flag wipes the screen and we—
CUT TO:
INT. DANNI’S CAR
MUSIC throughout—
Danni with a fake moustache looks very much like a guy, though she still has lipstick on. She guns her engine and checks out STUDS in the next car. We push in to STUDS, who looks her up and down lasciviously and sneers. The closer we pull in to him the more we see that he, too, has a bit of lipstick and maybe some eyeliner on. They both talk/sing the following…
STUDS
Get your motor runnin’.
DANNI
Head out on the highway?
DOO DAH walks up between the two cars and starts the race. The race is filmed on a set with the background just a blur behind the cars.
STUDS
I’ll be coming around the racetrack when I come.
DANNI
I’ll be coming around the racetrack when I come.
Now they start to get more romantic, and suddenly Studs seems to have heavier makeup on, and lip gloss.
STUDS AND DANNI TOGETHER
We’ll be comin around the racetrack, we’ll be comin around the racetrack.
They leave their cars, join hands, and are whisked away up to the heavens, leaving a trail of stars behind them. They waltz around the evening sky amongst hundreds of stars.
STUDS AND DANNI TOGETHER (CONT’D)
We’ll be coming around the racetrack when weeeeee coooome.
They gaze into each other’s eyes and are about to kiss, but turn away dramatically. Studs jumps onto the smiling moon and sings—
STUDS
One hundred twinkling stars in the sky, one hundred twinkling stars. I take one down, (he plucks one and takes a bite of it) pass it around. (He gently places the star on Danni’s chest.)
STUDS AND DANNI TOGETHER
Ninety-nine twinkling stars in the sky.
They gaze into each other’s eyes again, are about to kiss, then both turn away dramatically. Studs breaks into an insane jig.
STUDS
Love, love the magical fruit. The more you eat it, the more you toot.
Studs lightly farts and cartoon hearts float up, Danni is charmed. They lean in to kiss.
And the movie stops with a short graphic: END OF CLIP.
INT. THEATRE
LIGHTS UP as the TESTER takes the stage, clapping, alone.
TESTER
Okay, so there we go. Again, you are our target audience, and so, just cut loose—what did you think of it?
The teenage boys are stunned.
TESTER (CONT’D)
Okay… okay… let me put it this way. First of all how many of you would say you loved it? Show of hands.
No hands go up.
TESTER (CONT’D)
Okay, zero, that’s fine. How many would say you liked it, it was “okay”?
Again, nothing.
TESTER (CONT’D)
None of you, fine. Now how many would say it was horrible? You just hated it.
Every hand goes up.
TESTER (CONT’D)
One, two, three… uhh… pretty much everyone. That’s fine, by the way. Now, let’s get some specifics, can anyone tell me what they didn’t like about it?
The weirded-out kids grunt and scoff, shaking their heads.
TESTER (CONT’D)
Somebody, come on… How ’bout we start with you?
KID #1
It was bad.
TESTER
Mm-hm, anybody else?
KID #2
It wasn’t good.
TESTER
Okay, little more specific, anybody?
KID #3
There’s something wrong with it, man…
TESTER
Okaaayy, well—
KID #4 is dressed in a black T-shirt, ripped army jacket, total KISS ARMY kid.
KID #4
Guys, come on, just say it! I mean, that movie was totally g—
He is interrupted by a high-pitched squeal from offscreen…
SCREECHING VOICE
I’m here!!!
In bursts JAZ LIPMANN, the film’s effeminate, eccentric director.
TESTER
(to Kid #4—)
Hold that thought—
Jaz bursts into a rant.
JAZ
I’m here! I’m late, I know! Slap me and call me sweetheart! Ugh, family business.
TESTER
Jaz? You’re not supposed to be here.
JAZ
I’m so sorry. Have you shown it yet?
TESTER
Yes, I was just getting a reaction from this gentleman.
Jaz is a ball of energy, unstoppable.
JAZ
Great. I directed this piece. And wrote it, and it’s a story from my heart, and I want to get it right. So tell me, what did you think?
KID #1
Uhh… I, uhhh…
TESTER
You were saying it was “totally g-” something?
JAZ
“Totally g-” what? Totally g-reat, g-ripping, g—anything. I can totally take it, seriously, just cut loose.
KID #1
Well… it was not… my kind of movie.
JAZ
Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t accept that. I mean, it’s got everything. Racing, music, a hot girl. You do like girls?
Kid #2 speaks up.
KID #2
There were no girls in that movie.
All the other kids murmur agreement.
JAZ
Of course there were. What do you mean?
Kid #3 pipes up, confused.
KID #3
Which one? It looked like two guys.
Murmurs of agreement.
JAZ
Danni. You know, that’s Danni with an “I” at the end—she’s a girl. And “Studs” couldn’t be more of a guy. I mean, you guys loved Studs, right? He’s totally 100 percent all-beef male.
KID #4
The dude with lipstick?
JAZ
Well, he had a splash of makeup on, I mean, that’s moviemaking. What are you implying?
TESTER
Yeah, you know if we could just let this first young man—
(pointing out Kid #1)
—say his piece. What was it again? “Totally g—”?
JAZ
G-usto, full of gusto?
TESTER
Let
him speak.
KID #1
No… uh, totally—
(whispering)
—gay.
(louder)
Totally gay.
Murmurs growing.
KID #2
Really gay.
KID #3
Not gay like “lame,” but gay like, “gay.”
The group agrees.
JAZ
Okay, okay, is this a prank or something? Where are the cameras? I mean I’m watching a movie set at a racetrack, with macho racers. You know what, can we show the clip where Danni and Studs go to the oil rig that Danni works at and they get in a macho tough-guy wrestling fight… in the oil, and then sing—
All the kids interrupt with a chorus of boos.
KIDS
No! Please, no! Oooo!
JAZ
All right, all right… I’m just trying to understand, because, you know I, myself, am not gay. I have a wife—honey, are you in the back?
In the back of the theatre, Jaz’s very DYKEY WIFE stands up and waves.
JAZ (CONT’D)
I have my babies… there they are.
Down the aisle we see THREE PEKINGESE DOGS.
JAZ (CONT’D)
Hi, babies! I mean, I don’t understand this comment.
Kid #4 stands up.
KID #4
Could I say something?
JAZ
Please.
KID #4
(matter-of-factly)
I’m gay. Everybody knows I’m gay. Right?
KID #3
Yeah, Brad’s gay. Whatever.
KID #4
Anyway, this movie is very gay, but more importantly, you are gay.
JAZ
Okay, but let’s talk about the movie. You say you’re gay, and you say the movie’s gay, but you claim you don’t like the movie. I’m as confused as a pumpkin on Christmas Day.
KID #4
Forget about the movie for a second. Do you like men?
JAZ
I have sex with men.
KID #4
Do you like it?
JAZ
Like it? I love it.
KID #4
Well, that’s what being gay is. It’s more than that, but that’s sort of at the core of it.
JAZ
(stunned, getting emotional)
Oh. Okay. Wow. This explains so much. Well, this is great, I’ve learned a lot from you fellows.
He wipes a tear.
JAZ (CONT’D)
(singing)
When a boy teaches a man,
And pizza is part of the plan.
Then everybody can stand,
to lend a hand…
ANGLE ON: Bob and David in the back of the theatre.
DAVID
Man, I did not think that this could get any gayer.
Bob looks at David. Bob suddenly has slight lipstick and eyeliner.
BOB
(talk-singing)
Think again, David!
(singing)
There’s a world beside you… inside you…
David turns away…
DAVID
I’m outta here.
ANGLE ON: Bob, his makeup is suddenly gone.
BOB
(not singing)
Buddy, I was just kidding!
EXT. THEATRE
David and Bob exit, back onto Hollywood Blvd.
BOB
David, slow down.
DAVID
Bob, we’ve got ’til five o’clock, we can’t dick around.
BOB
Right, so what do we need next?
DAVID
Movie star.
BOB
Shit. We can’t afford a movie star. How about a future star?
DAVID
Someone who isn’t born yet?
BOB
No, not that much in the future. Just a few years. I mean, we’re in Hollywood. They must be everywhere. Throw a rock and you’ll hit one.
David tosses a rock in the air and it pings off something behind them. We hear…
PERFORMER
(OFFSCREEN)
Ow! Who threw that?
Bob and David turn and look pleased—
BOB
What did I tell ya?!
They see a STREET PERFORMER (played by BRIAN POSEHN!) in a Tin Man outfit, painted completely silver, funnel on his head. A sign reads, “Tin Man Robot Show.” There is a silver hat on the ground in front of him. He moves in a jerky motion, bending forward.
DAVID
Great, huh?
BOB
Wow, he’s really like a robot.
DAVID
Yeah, that used to be a tin man.
BOB
He seems really serious.
DAVID
Hey, let’s give him some bucks.
Bob and David drop dollars in his hat. The Performer explodes—
PERFORMER
What the fuck are you putting in my hat?
DAVID
What… we gave you some money.
PERFORMER
Just ’cause I’m sick, I don’t need your charity, asshole!
BOB
What charity? You’re a street performer!
PERFORMER
No, I’m not! I’m trying to pick up my goddamned hat!
DAVID
Well, you’re moving like a robot!
PERFORMER
I have arthritis.
TWO TOURISTS walk by and toss in coins. The Performer mutters…
PERFORMER (CONT’D)
Thank you.
BOB
What the—Wait, why are you dressed like a tin man?
PERFORMER
It’s sunblock! I could only get it in silver, they were out of clear!
DAVID
But your jacket, everything, your shoes!
PERFORMER
I PUT TOO MUCH ON!
BOB
Why are you wearing a funnel on your head?
PERFORMER
(pulling the funnel off)
God damn my roommate!
ANOTHER TOURIST drops a coin in his hat.
PERFORMER (CONT’D)
Thank you, sir.
BOB
What was that?
DAVID
What about the sign? Robot show?
The Performer is shocked.
PERFORMER
I didn’t even see that fuckin’ thing! Help me get my hat!
Bob helps The Performer get his hat. Under the hat is a cup.
BOB
What’s this cup for?
PERFORMER
It’s my good luck money cup. My father’s father gave that to me before he dyed… his hair.
A WOMAN strolls by, tossing a dollar in his cup.
PERFORMER (CONT’D)
Thank you.
DAVID
What the fuck?
BOB
What’s with the fucking money?
PERFORMER
That was my mom. She’s giving me money so I can wash my clothes.
BOB
You’re impossible!
The Performer growls at Bob. Bob growls back. The Performer walks off in a strange, herky-jerky manner. David taps Bob on the shoulder.
DAVID
Bob, check it out.
David points to a limo pulling up to the curb.
ANGLE ON: Bob and David, the limo, and its passengers are offscreen for the following…
BOB
You think it’s a movie star?
DAVID
No… I recognize that guy… he’s a famous film producer.
BOB
Really? How can you tell?
DAVID
Check out the Italian shoes, the hottie on his arm, and the ponytail. That’s the giveaway.
BOB
Wow! I had no idea you knew so much about filmmaking.
DAVID
I read a lot of magazines.
BOB
David pulls out a pair of scissors.
DAVID
I’m on the case.
ANGLE ON: OREN BURG, a film producer, a HOTTIE girlfriend, and FRANK, his accountant, all seen from behind. They approach a movie poster mounted on a theatre wall under a banner reading: PREMIERING TONITE!
OREN BURG
This is gonna be great. The culmination of one man’s brilliant vision.
FRANK
One man?
Oren ignores this. The three stare at the poster. From behind, Bob and David sneak up. Bob picks up Oren’s ponytail, David snips it off, and they run. Camera doesn’t move, as Oren snaps his head around.
OREN BURG
What the hell—?
FREEZE FRAME on his shocked expression.
GRAPHIC: “Film Producer, Oren Burg”
(Oren is played by David.)
MUSIC: Noodling melody, “Sugar in the Haystack,” like the Grateful Dead dicking around. Studio version.
In POST, we pull in past Oren’s face to the poster, and the poster is for a Woodstock type of movie called, NOODLESTOCK!… silhouettes of hippy musicians done in Day-Glo colors, crowd of hippies celebrating.