by David Cross
DAVID
Ahhh, ahhh, mmmm, oooh. Hmmm.
(noticing crowd)
Hello.
David and Bob share a look. David glances around at all the cameras and the crowd.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hey, it worked!
A rescue WORKER pipes up.
WORKER
What the hell?
THE REPORTER gets serious with Bob.
LISA
Mr. Olenklep, did you know that that wasn’t a baby in that hole?
Bob doesn’t know what to say… he got his moment, but he doesn’t quite know what to do with it, so… he runs away. People are confused and angry. They turn to David, who can’t move because he’s rigged to the rescue crane.
LISA (CONT’D)
It looks like we’ve all been victims of a very cruel prank.
Workers and onlookers gather around David, menacingly. Lisa pokes her microphone into David’s face.
LISA (CONT’D)
You! What’s your name?
DAVID
Uh… David Cross. Hello.
LISA
What were you doing in that hole? Pranking everyone?
DAVID
No… uh, no. Not at all. This is the first I’m hearing about all of this, myself. I mean, I was in the hole, so… I was out of the loop. No information could get to me. Frankly, I am as upset as anyone.
No one is quite sure how to take this, but suddenly we hear someone applauding and the camera swings over to find Chance, running up as he buckles his pants. He runs right up next to David.
CHANCE
Well said, let’s hear it for him, folks! This kid braved the odds. He’s an American hero!
The mob is unsure of this pitch, but there is some applause.
LISA
Who are you, sir?
CHANCE
I’m just a person—just a person who can spot a hero when he rises up out of the dirt to bring us all together and remind us of who we are—the best country God ever wished into being. Let’s hear it for the hero!
General applause grows to rousing applause.
DAVID
(meekly)
That’s me.
Amidst the hubbub, Chance is smiling and laughing. David begins to smile and laugh, too… and Chance turns to David and says:
CHANCE
Young man, you the coffee bean atop my tomato pancake!
The rousing applause of the crowd for David carries over as we…
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BAR - THE NEXT DAY
Rousing applause from inside—
INT. BAR
All the actors we met a day ago are cheering, David is in the middle of the group—
A banner reads, “Congratulations and Good Luck, David.” TRILL toasts him.
TRILL
(overly excited)
To David, the man who got the part!
Assembled actors all raise their glasses and cheer through gritted teeth, barely concealing their jealousy. David doesn’t notice.
TRILL (CONT’D)
… that he didn’t even have to audition for!
(weak laughter)
Joseph Catalanano steps up—
JOSEPH
May I say a few words, David?
DAVID
Mr. Catalanano, I’d be honored.
Joseph puts reading glasses on, although he doesn’t read anything.
JOSEPH
David, as Joseph Catalanano once said, no one is happier for an actor who gets a role than his fellow actors.
Murmurs of agreement. Joseph removes his reading glasses.
DAVID
Thanks.
TRILL
David, seriously, when I first saw you, I thought, this kid, this one, he needs work. Really. And you must’ve gone and did it, ’cause dammit, kid…
(losing the thread)
… make us proud!
Weaker cheers. Trill gives David a slightly painful, angry kiss.
DAVID
Wow!
A PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL steps up.
PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL
We got you this.
She hands him a book wrapped in drama mask paper. He opens it and reads the title…
DAVID
Five minutes, Mr. Catalanano: The Joseph Catalanano Story.
PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL
Joseph picked it out.
JOSEPH
It’s the only copy there is.
DAVID
(sincerely)
Well, that’s great… I’ll try not to throw it out.
JOSEPH
It can’t but help.
TRILL
If they need an understudy, you know where I am!
(very emotional)
Let’s cheer again, for David, the man who got the part!
(a beat, he cries)
God!
People comfort Trill. Chance leans in from outside.
CHANCE
Come on, boy!
People follow David out the door, patting him on the back the whole way. Bob is lost in the crowd and shouts out—
BOB
David! Don’t forget about the coattails!
DAVID
(yelling back)
Oh, no thanks, I’m stuffed!
EXT. BAR
David and Chance get into a long black limousine. The limo has a “Just Nominated” sign on the back and trails cans and ribbons. Everyone waves good-bye. Overton pats Bob on the back.
MUSIC: Upbeat, MOVING ON music takes us into—
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE
CHANCE and a COTERIE of HANDLERS are assembled around a podium in this typical press conference setup.
CHANCE
Reporters, press people, thank you for coming. Let’s face it, democracy in America has become a joke! It’s been reduced to the choice between two barely distinguishable corporate lackeys. Well, no more! Tonight we announce the formation of a truly viable third political party: TCBP—THE COUNTRY’S BEST PARTY!
A PIT PAT MASCOT dances out, holding a banner with TCBP on it.
CHANCE (CONT’D)
Now I’d like to introduce our candidate, an unknown, untainted by Washington and its mendicants; Mr. Li’l Davey Cross!
David, grinning, steps up to the microphone as flashbulbs go off. He’s ecstatic.
DAVID
Hi! First of all, I’m psyched. Secondly, it’s time to take this country back from the fat cats on Capitol Hill.
ANGLE: We see David is reading from a teleprompter.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Now, I am not from Washington and, if elected, I will not go there. Thank you. This is gonna be fun. Questions?
REPORTER ONE
David, you’ve never held office, what qualifies you for the presidency?
DAVID
I am not a politician!
CUT TO:
TV INFOMERCIAL OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE
SFX: Loud, synth infomercial music up.
Over the Title Graphic “Amazing People,” video clips of David in various situations fly across the screen: kissing a baby, pinning a medal on an old soldier, saluting a flag and crying, on a parasail, smiling to camera, and lastly, using a mop.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Tonight, on Amazing People, we’ll meet a candidate for president of the United States who will save you time and money, and make your life a lot easier. Now here are your hosts, Nancy Gumphrey and Ernie!
TV INFOMERCIAL SET
A typical cheesy infomercial set. The hosts, NANCY and ERNIE, a fey Englishman, bound out from backstage to wild applause of a hyperactive, paid AUDIENCE.
NANCY
Hi. How are you, Ernie?
ERNIE
I’m pip of the pop, Miss Nancy!
NANCY
Well, I can’t wait to hear about this new person you’ve got for us!
ERNIE
Yes. Nancy, what if I told you that I met a candidate for president who wasn’t a Was
hington insider fat cat?
NANCY
That sounds great.
ERNIE
And what if I told you that he’ll lower taxes, make this great country great again, and won’t put up with any Washington shenanigans?
NANCY
Wow! Well, that sounds great, doesn’t it, folks?
CUTAWAY TO AUDIENCE CLAPPING
CUTAWAY TO GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM, Chance, Jane, Ron, and other Execs are gathered around, watching this tape…
ON VIDEO:
ERNIE
But that’s not all, step over here.
Ernie drags Nancy over to a table piled high with rancid sponges and mops.
ERNIE (CONT’D)
Look at this awful mess.
NANCY
Ewww!
ERNIE
These are months-old mildewed sponges, mops, cleaning rags—but guess what Nancy, what if I told you you could throw them all away?!
In a grand gesture, Ernie sweeps them all off the table into a garbage can. TV Audience goes nuts.
NANCY
Wow! I can’t wait to meet this guy.
ERNIE
Well, here he comes, folks. David!
David enters to great applause.
ERNIE (CONT’D)
Now when we return we’ll watch David take on a real fat cat politician.
ANGLE ON: FAT CAT POLITICIAN. A cartoonish guy standing behind a podium.
AUDIENCE
Woooooo!
NANCY
Stay with us!
CUT TO:
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
HARTNUT
You think people will go for it?
CHANCE
People are ready for this. Everybody knows they gettin’ the show, why not cut loose, let ’em really see one. Call a crawfish a crawfish and I think we’ll make a sale.
A BEAT.
HARTNUT
Do you think it’ll work?
CHANCE
It might-could.
HARTNUT
Hmmm. Do you like that sundae, future president?
Reveal David sitting at the end of the table eating a giant chocolate sundae, his face messy with hot fudge.
DAVID
(speaking through a mouthful of ice cream)
Very much so, thank you, sir.
Smiles all around.
MUSIC PLAYS UNDER THESE SCENES FROM THE CAMPAIGN
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
PEOPLE on the street, standing near a poster for David. Talking to camera.
WOMAN
I think it’s all just a big sales job. It’s sick, but, I guess they’re all that way.
CUT TO:
MAN 1
He hasn’t got a snowball’s chance. Third parties never win. Underdogs, though, I can relate to. Give him a chance.
CUT TO:
MAN 2
I like him. He’s like me. He’s just a guy. I don’t know. He makes me laugh.
INT. RADIO TALK SHOW
Bob as a crazy radio talk show host. A large poster hangs behind him reading: “Tom Rite, WTLK.”
TOM
(irate)
Who’s buying this?! Who’s buying this “David” guy? This guy is a product, he’s manufactured. Democracy reduced to merchandising, people. You know it, I know it. It’s been going on for years and this David comes along and now it’s out in the open and I say it’s about time! Go for it. You may be liberal, you may be conservative, but I’m Rite!
All the phone lines light up.
In one swift movement he signals the engineer; the show music plays, he drops his headphones, sips his coffee and looks at the paper, totally disinterested in what he just said.
CUT TO:
INT. SMALL MEETING HALL
David at the podium. He is taking questions from REGULAR CITIZENS in the audience. A Pit Pat is nearby, waving.
DAVID
This is a hoot. You, sir!
A COLLEGE PROFESSOR steps up to the audience mic.
PROFESSOR
Yes. I’m Tim Belger, a professor of history at Manute College here in town…
DAVID
Okay, I’ve got to say something. I can’t answer your question.
PROFESSOR
But I haven’t asked it yet.
DAVID
Yes, but I’m not that smart. I never went to college. I’m not an intellectual. I’m just a person, an American person. You should save your questions for a politician. But I’m not one.
Cheers from the crowd.
CROWD
Yeah! You the man!
The crowd taunts the retreating PROFESSOR.
CROWD (CONT’D)
You! You! You! You!
CUTAWAY TO A SMILING CHANCE WATCHING FROM OFFSTAGE
DAVID
Give him a goodie bag.
A Pit Pat tries to give the sulking Professor a goodie bag; he doesn’t take it. A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN in a sequined sweater steps up to the mic.
WOMAN
Uh, yeah, I just think you’re adorable. And I saw you on Good Time Today with Mark and Maura, and the other guest was Clint Black. Was he nice?
DAVID
Thank you. Good question. He’s fantastic.
Applause and cheers.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Give her a hat and a goodie bag.
Pit Pat hands the Woman a hat and a goodie bag.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPAIGN BUS
A red, white, and blue campaign bus with the logo “T.C.B.P.” on the side. It’s driving down a country road in the Midwest, and David is leaning out the window, waving wildly, to no one.
CUT TO:
EXT. STADIUM
Using found footage of a football game. It’s halftime, and a show is taking place on the field.
CLOSE-UP OF ACTION ON THE FIELD
David pops out of a big cake, waves to the crowd and dances with HOT GIRLS and Pit Pats to a marching band.
CUT TO:
SITCOM SET
In a living room of a typical, live action sitcom show, we see the DAD and MOM adoring their DAUGHTER in her prom dress.
DAD
You are prettier than a princess.
MOM
The last time your dad said that to me we were playing Pong.
Canned laughs.
SFX: Knock on door.
DAUGHTER
That’s my date, I’m so nervous.
MOM
Well, you were the one who thought a blind date on prom night would make “everything more exciting.”
Another knock. Dad crosses to the door.
DAD
Here goes nothing.
He opens the door. It’s David in a red, white, and blue tuxedo, with roses.
Wild cheers from the studio audience. He thumbs up the audience, then carries on with the scene.
CUT TO:
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
CHANCE, HARTNUT, and the Others are watching the news and the numbers say…
Republican—40%
Democrat—34%
The Country’s Best Party—22%
They are happy.
ANGLE ON: David sleeping on the couch, holding a blanket… their golden child. Hartnut tousles his hair.
CHANCE
Okay, now tonight’s debate is it. I mean it. The whole campaign rides on this one.
CHET
Do you think he can pull it off?
CHANCE
Do crayfish shit in the bayou?
Long pause.
RON
… Yes?
INT. AUDITORIUM
The candidates, David, Don, and Dan, are at their podiums. They are all getting final touch-ups for a televised debate. Chance talks to David.
CHANCE
Now you remember what we practiced, right?
DAVID
Yeah. Don’t wink and don’t make clicking noises. Don’t sweat, and don’t sniff your fingers.
> CHANCE
Great. Now remember, you’re an outsider, you’re new to this, you don’t know everything, but you do know one thing.
DAVID
Uh-huh, what is that?
CHANCE
I’ll tell you later.
A STAGE MANAGER steps out with the countdown, Chance moves off-camera.
CUT TO:
THE DEBATE
The moderator is COBB WOODLAND, a typical network anchorman.
COBB
Hello Cobb Woodland here, about to begin the Great Debate. Republican Dan McGuffree, your opening statement?
DAN MCGUFFREE, the Republican candidate, speaks first.
DAN
As an astronaut, I had the distinct pleasure of walking on the surface of the moon. This experience taught me the values of courage, prudency, and weightlessness. Qualities I plan to bring to being your next president. Thank you.
SFX: Applause.
COBB
Demcoratic nominee, Don McGuthers?
DON
Well, Dan, let me say that I, too, was an astronaut, and I, too, have been on the moon. I have stood, and sat, and even shat, on the moon—(pointedly, to Dan)
—and you, sir, are no moon man!
SFX: Applause.
COBB
And the Country’s Best Party candidate, David.
DAVID
America. I’m just like all of you. So, won’t you vote for me, and elect yourself “el presidente”? Please say yes. Love, David.