by Susan Wiggs
“What I mean is, I don’t think we’ll be doing any sleeping at all.” He stood slowly and came around the side of the table, drawing her up and pulling her close. “That is, if that’s okay with you.”
She kissed him. It was the first time she’d made the first move and she was ravenous. And breathless when she finally pulled back. “You taste like Devil Dogs,” she said.
chapter 46
When Lily awakened, she had a smile on her lips. A warm, slightly bruised and tender feeling reminded her of the night before, the secret hours in Sean’s arms before Red had brought the children back. Though their time was limited, she had been well and thoroughly loved, and memories pulsed through her, touching off signal fires in hidden places. Last night had been a revelation. A dream. An ecstasy that was softer and sweeter than a dozen Devil Dogs.
Sean Maguire, she thought, letting his name drift through her mind like an unforgettable song. Sean Maguire. I’m in love with Sean Maguire.
It was outrageous and wonderful. She was more afraid than she’d ever been in her life, but for the first time, she wasn’t going to let fear hold her back. This was the burden she hadn’t realized she was carrying. Over time, her heart had grown heavier and heavier, dragging her down until she couldn’t even remember to keep her head up. Now that she’d finally given her heart away, something unexpected was happening. Her burden had disappeared. She was light as air, content to drift inside a moment rather than planning ahead. She didn’t feel like herself at all, like super-organized, goal-driven Lily Robinson. She felt like Carmen, like Delilah, like…Cleopatra.
All right, she thought, so maybe she didn’t know what to do next. Today, Sean would have a round of interviews and appearances, with everything arranged by Red. Lily wanted to make herself scarce, to savor her feelings in private. She lay very still, alone in her bed, listening, wondering what it would be like to sleep all night in Sean’s arms. No one else seemed to be up. She reached for her cell phone and slipped outside, letting the dog out with her. Hugging her sweatshirt around her, she called her sister. Even though it was five in the morning on the West Coast, she needed to hear her sister’s voice. She felt a sweet sense of revelation. She had a sister who was wise in ways Lily was only now coming to appreciate.
Violet answered on the second ring. At first, Lily could do nothing but sob into the phone. She somehow managed to convey to her sister that for once they were tears of joy, not grief. When she finally gained control, she said, “Oh, Violet. I’ve never been in love before. I don’t know how it’s done.”
“You don’t have to do anything. Just be.”
“It sounds very Zen.”
“I don’t know about that,” Violet admitted. “I only know that if it’s the real thing, you don’t have to push it or question it. Just let love do the work.”
“That’s pretty much what we did last night.”
Violet laughed. “Way to go, Lil.”
“It’s so…so ill-advised.”
“Will you listen to yourself? Ill-advised, like this is a bad investment or something.” She paused. “The heart doesn’t work that way,” she added, sounding older and wiser than her years. “Just be happy with him.”
“I think looking for happiness with another person is like looking for the rainbow’s end. The minute you think you’ve found it, it fades away.”
“You’re crazy, Lily, you know that?”
“I’m already worrying about the impact of this on the kids.”
“The kids are going to love this. Seeing two people falling for each other—-how can that be a bad thing? They took a direct hit, losing their parents like that. They need to believe in something again. Like you and Sean.”
“Me and Sean,” Lily whispered, looking out at the misty day. There was still a part of her that didn’t dare trust what was happening, but she didn’t tell her sister that. The feelings were too new and raw to describe. “I have to go,” she said. “But…thanks, Vi. You know where your priorities are.”
When she returned to the RV, Sean was fixing the girls’ hair, mincing around and speaking with an accent in a poor imitation of a hair stylist. “You just need a little loft here, darling,” he said, fluffing Ashley’s wispy brown hair while she giggled. Charlie had Heidi braids this morning, crisscrossed over her head. With the headphones on, Cameron was fiddling with the radio. The dog burst in, tracking dirt all over the place.
Lily paused in the doorway for a moment. They all looked so dear to her just then, in this little contained world that felt cozily insulated against the outside.
Sean spotted her and sent her a grin that she felt like a physical touch. “Good morning, madam,” he said. “Do you have an appointment?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“I’ll see if I can work you in. Devil Dog?” he offered, holding out the box.
She met his gaze. “Maybe later.”
“I want to go swimming at Red’s hotel again,” Charlie said. “Can we, please?”
“Your uncle Sean has some meetings today.”
“Not until this afternoon,” Charlie said. “Please, Lily.”
“Fine with me,” Sean said.
A few minutes later, they were headed to the Colonial. Red had ordered breakfast poolside and he greeted them like a benevolent uncle. “Welcome to your new life,” he said to Sean. “The fun’s about to begin.”
Lily’s heart pounded as she walked to the edge of the pool. She was about to put one foot in the shallow end when she changed her mind. She walked the length of the pool and stepped up on the diving board. The clear, placid water looked very far below, very deep. Her heart sped up faster and she saw Sean watching her. She was afraid, but for once she was going to ignore the fear. Then, before she could change her mind, she stepped off the end and plunged in. She didn’t resist the water, didn’t struggle to the surface. She sank deep, felt her foot brush the bottom, then slowly rose. Her swimming was clumsy, but she managed to glide to the edge. That wasn’t so bad, she thought. That wasn’t bad at all.
She propped her arms on the edge and gazed up at the sunny sky. She could hear the girls laughing and splashing with Sean. Red and Cameron were deep in conversation at the breakfast table. There was a lull in the unrelenting grief that had been their constant companion all summer.
She watched a small wisp of a cloud drift, then shut her eyes. This was not the real world. Out here on the road, they were a family. But summer was coming to an end, and the real world awaited.
chapter 47
Summer’s end brought a return to Comfort and changes no one talked about, although everyone except for Ashley thought constantly about what the future held.
For Sean, it was a career he approached with a new maturity. He didn’t have to live out of a suitcase or worry about a world ranking, just about staying in the game.
Cameron got his driver’s license and, along with that, a certain easing of the anger inside him and perhaps even a sense that life could be fun again. He still caddied for Sean in tournaments and counted the days until Becky Pilchuk returned from her summer job.
Charlie was reading. Perhaps her scores would show her performing below grade level in some areas, but she could read and understand, and she didn’t dread the start of school as Lily had feared she might.
Ashley blossomed like a late-summer rose. She grew more beautiful and learned more words every day. Sometimes Lily would sit with her in the evening and they would go through photo albums together.
“Mama,” Ashley would dutifully say.
“Never forget that,” Lily whispered. “Please don’t ever forget.”
“Okay.” She patted a page with her hand. “Da?”
“Right there.” Lily indicated a snapshot of Derek. The fact that he’d made Crystal so unhappy was not something these children should have to deal with. And truly, looking at the family photos, she sensed they’d once brought each other joy. At least she hoped so.
Now that they’d returned to Co
mfort, she refused to spend the night with Sean, though this didn’t mean an end to the insane lust that possessed her. She was worried, though; in some moments, terrified at what lay beneath the lust. This was not some summer romance, some vacation flirtation that would end on Labor Day. She very much feared that this was the love of her life. She’d spent all her adult years avoiding precisely this situation, protecting herself from uncertainty and anguish. She was well aware that with a man like Sean, the potential for disaster was enormous. They were together, but what did that mean?
Labor Day and the start of school loomed, and she dared to hope the rhythm of the new academic year might make this feel more like her own life once again. Then she caught herself trying to remember what was so great about her own life.
It was normal, she told herself. Settled and predictable, relaxing. Life with Sean and the kids was just the opposite, and it couldn’t be good for her.
On the Thursday before Labor Day weekend, they met with Susie Shea, the social worker who had been there for them at the start of the whole ordeal. “My hat’s off to you,” she told Lily and Sean. “The children are adjusting well.” She paused, looked from one to the other. “What about the two of you?”
Lily panicked. Sean cleared his throat. “We’re adjusting, too,” he said awkwardly.
“Yes,” she agreed. “We’re adjusting.”
Susie closed her casebook and checked her watch. “I’ll be back next month.”
The moment she was gone, Sean wiped his brow in an exaggerated gesture. “I feel like I just brought home a good report card.”
“You did,” Lily said. “We all did.”
Later that day, Violet and her family came to Comfort to finally reclaim the Winnebago and attend the annual golf tournament at Paradise Ridge. It was early morning, but everyone was up when they arrived.
Sean’s house, Lily thought. When had she stopped thinking of it as Crystal’s house?
They were waiting in the driveway, which was lined with buckets and rags and a vacuum. The RV sparkled, inside and out. By contract, the Wonder Bread logo had been removed. Lily made the introductions and the younger kids fell into an easy camaraderie, inventing some game in the backyard with rules even Ashley seemed to understand.
“Congratulations on your season,” Rick said, enthusiastically pumping Sean’s hand. “Really impressive, really. I snared a vendor’s contract for this weekend’s tournament, so we’ll be pulling for you.”
“Hey, thanks. That means a lot.” It was a big match with a big purse. Held at the legendary course at Paradise Ridge, the tournament was high profile and high stakes. Lily knew he was ready. She also knew he was nervous.
“My lord,” murmured Violet, standing back and watching them, “he’s even better than I remembered.”
You have no idea, thought Lily.
“Have you told Mom and Dad yet?” Violet asked.
“Why would I do that?”
“Well, they’re family, for starters. People generally want their family to know—never mind.” Violet waved her hand impatiently. “You figure it out, Lily.”
Rick, Violet and their kids would be staying in the RV at the golf course. Violet invited Charlie and Ashley to spend the day with her and the children. Within minutes, everyone had left, including Cameron, who was driving to Portland to pick up Becky at the Amtrak station.
Lily looked at Sean. She ducked her head, trying to hide the delicious sense of anticipation she felt, but it was no use. He saw straight through her, every time.
Sean didn’t say a word to Lily, but walked into the house with long, hurried strides. He seemed almost angry. A bit wary, she followed him, startled as he snared her wrist the minute she stepped inside. He reeled her against him and kissed her hard, his mouth lingering, tasting until she felt light-headed.
“I’ve missed you,” he said, pressing her back to the wall in the hallway. His hands undid her—hair, glasses, blouse, shorts—while his mouth set her on fire.
Very, very fleetingly, it occurred to her to protest. But to protest what? She wanted this as badly as he did, had missed him as much as he’d missed her, and they both knew it. There was a recklessness in the way they came together, a rough hunger that should have shocked but instead turned her on. She wanted this, wanted him with a terrible need, and she loved his palpable sense of urgency, the way he seemed to want to engulf her. It felt both thrilling and dangerous to be stripped bare by him, their clothes in a heap, his arms engulfing her in an embrace of possession. She collapsed against his bare, sweaty shoulder, a little amazed at herself, at the abandon and passion she felt.
They were both breathing hard, Sean laughing a little as they put themselves together again. “Miss Robinson, I need to make an honest woman out of you. I could have thrown my back out just then, and I’ve got a tournament coming up.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” She finished buttoning her blouse. “Don’t you have some sort of PR appearance today?” In conjunction with the tournament, Red’s publicity department had lined up a number of press interviews.
He nodded. “More than one. They’re sending a car around.”
Sending a car. It sounded surreal to Lily, almost as surreal as seeing him interviewed on ESPN.
He walked her to the door, caught her against him for another kiss. “Don’t think I’m going to forget what I said earlier, about making an honest woman of you,” he said.
I am an honest woman, she wanted to tell him. I honestly love you.
Still warm from Sean’s lovemaking and feeling oddly fragile, Lily stepped into Room 105 at Laurelhurst Country Day School and tried to proceed as if this was any other school year. She wanted to pretend she was plain old Miss Robinson again, with nothing more pressing in her life than getting her classroom ready for the first day of school. Yet as she stapled fresh butcher paper on the bulletin boards, as she labeled tote trays and sketched out a lesson plan for next Wednesday, she felt distracted and unsettled.
She wasn’t the same, not even close. And she sure as heck wasn’t comfortable in her new skin.
It wasn’t about being comfortable, her sister would say.
The rhythmic thump of a basketball sounded. She looked out the window to see a tall boy dribbling a basketball in the playground court. It was Russell Clark, one of her favorites from the previous year. How he’d grown over the summer, she thought. She hoped he was still the same irrepressible optimist. She hoped he’d never lose that.
Turning from the window, she made a place card for each child, writing each name in print and then in script: Loretta S., Deanna K., Pete M…. Third grade marked the transition from stick-figure printing to cursive writing.
The flip chart was ready for the first lesson. “What I Did on My Summer Vacation” was the topic, as always. Without thinking, she found herself writing a list in orange marker:
went camping in a Winnebago
stayed up all night
hit a golf ball two hundred yards
learned line dancing
ate Drake’s Devil Dogs
fell in love
“Well, well,” said Edna, who appeared in the doorway. She was her usual serene self in a batiked dress and beaded sandals. “You’ve been busy. Do they have Winnebagos and Devil Dogs in Italy?”
Lily’s face heated as she ripped the sheet off the flip chart and crumpled it with both hands. “I didn’t go.” She quickly explained that she’d spent the summer driving cross-country in a Winnebago with the Holloway children and their uncle. It sounded crazy, saying it aloud, crazy and wonderful.
“How are they?” asked Edna.
“Light-years ahead of where they were at the beginning of the summer. They still have a ways to go.” She offered a fleeting smile. “There are whole moments, sometimes hours or even days, when they’re just like any other kids. Then something happens—a piece of mail comes addressed to Crystal, or one of the kids finds an old scorecard of Derek’s—and I realize they’ll never really get over
it.”
“It’s not about getting over it. It’s about healing and going on.” She flipped back her silvery hair. “So you’ve been in love with him all summer and you haven’t told him yet?”
So much for hoping Edna hadn’t noticed. “Well, not in words.”
“Words matter, Lily. You know that.”
She thought of her parents and the idea that words could wound. They could also heal; she knew that now. But she didn’t reply to Edna’s suggestion. She felt like a stranger here in her own classroom, the place that used to feel so safe and familiar to her. This had been her world, her garden, the children her flowers. Now she felt distracted by thoughts of Sean and the children, and the idea of home had a different meaning.
“I feel torn,” she confessed to Edna. “For the first time, I can finally understand what a working mother faces every day.”
“Most of us do just fine,” Edna assured her. “However, the Holloways are dealing with extraordinary circumstances. I’ve been thinking…perhaps you should take some time off to be a family.”
The words stole Lily’s breath. “They’re not my family.”
“Oh, no?” She gestured at the page crumpled in Lily’s hand. “Look at your list. I’m not making this suggestion lightly. You’re one of my best teachers and I’m an idiot for saying this, but if you want a sabbatical or professional leave, I’d approve it without question. The new crop of third-graders will muddle through without you. The Holloways might not.”
“I can’t believe what you’re saying.”
“So what’s she saying?” Coach Greg Duncan stepped into the room, carrying his clipboard and grinning broadly.