“Clothes and Christmas presents,” answered Pamela cheerfully. “Where should I put these?” she asked still holding the envelopes.
“Just throw them on the dash board,” answered Marissa as she put her own backpack into the trunk.
“Hey it looks like you got a letter from State,” said Pamela.
Marissa groaned. “Can you open it?” She asked as she put the keys into the ignition.
Pamela unfolded the letter inside. “You’ve been accepted on a partial scholarship. They will be sending you the registration packet in a few days.” She put the letter on her lap. “Congratulations!”
“Thanks,” Marissa mumbled without enthusiasm.
Pamela put a loving hand on her sister’s shoulder, “I know it’s not what you want. But at least you got accepted somewhere. It’s better than not getting accepted anywhere.”
Marissa gripped the steering wheel, “Hey, there’s still UCLA. I haven’t heard from them yet.”
“I know but didn’t your guidance counselor say…”
Marissa cut in, “I don’t care what the guidance counselor said! I still haven’t heard from them so I’m not giving up.”
Pamela was hurt. “I’m sorry, I was just trying to make you feel better.”
“I’m sorry too,” said Marissa softly. “I’m just a little stressed out. The last thing I want to do is go to State. It would make Mom too happy and I couldn’t bear that.”
“Speaking of Mom. She’s made my life completely unbearable since you left. I wish I had the courage to do what you did.’
“Well, I really didn’t have a choice. She kicked me out remember?” Marissa sighed.
“Yeah, but you’ve been wanting to leave for a while now.”
“You can leave too. You don’t have to stay.”
Pamela breathed out heavily and shook her head, “What would Mom do if she lost both of her daughters? She might commit suicide or something. No. I couldn’t be responsible for that. You know Marissa, she is pretty awful sometimes but she is our mother and she loves us a lot. And I know you love her too.”
Marissa sighed an even deeper sigh, “I guess deep down inside I do love her but I can’t deal with her now, not if she can’t accept who I am.”
“And you need to get over this thing about State. If that’s the only college you get accepted to, at least you’ll be close to Mr. Smith,” Pamela reasoned.
“Believe me Pam, I’ve thought about that,” Marissa snickered. “But I can’t just let go of my dreams. It seems that one by one, everything I’ve planned for is falling apart. First there’s Daniel, then if I don’t get accepted to college in California, what comes next? I can’t pursue an acting career here in the mid-west. It would kill me.”
“Hey I thought you broke up with Daniel,” said Pamela accusingly.
“I did. But I wish things had been different. Had he not tried to kill himself this summer maybe I wouldn’t have, oh I don’t know,” she hesitated. “It freaked me out. And I guess I was really angry with him for moving away.”
“So you’ll leave Mr. Smith when you go to California?”
Marissa winced, “Please call him Nick, when you talk about him. It sounds so odd when you refer to him as Mr. Smith.”
“Mariss, he is my teacher. Or did you forget?” her sister asked sarcastically.
“I don’t want to think about leaving Nick now. But if I have to, I guess I will. In my heart I’m hoping that if he loves me, he will follow me out there.”
Snowflakes danced on the hood of her car as Marissa pulled into the driveway. Seeing all of the fluffy white stuff made Marissa long for a sunny California winter where she would never have to see snow again.
“Hey Marissa, did you hear me?” Pamela asked as she broke into her sister’s thoughts.
“What?” Marissa said still staring at the falling snow.
“I said, do you think he loves you?”
Slowly, Marissa turned off the ignition and pulled out her keys. “I think so. But he won’t admit it. It’s been eating at me for a while now. I told him that I loved him a few weeks ago. He hasn’t reciprocated. But I can tell he feels it.”
“Oh,” said Pamela disappointed.
“Why the sad look?”
“I just don’t want you getting hurt. That’s all.”
“Pam, he’s risking everything to see me every single day. If that’s not dedication, I don’t know what is,” Marissa answered in Nick’s defense. Although, when she really thought about it, she had doubts. She truly needed to know how Nick felt and she had been planning to talk with him over Christmas break.
“Don’t forget your mail!” Pamela yelled over the wind as she slammed the car door and ran toward the house.
Marissa reached in on the dashboard and grabbed the stack of mail. Under the opened letter from State college, she saw a letter with her name written in extremely familiar handwriting. It was from Daniel.
She shoved the letters into her backpack and yelled, “Hey Pam, wait up!”
Pamela turned abruptly. Her face glistened like glitter under the falling snowflakes. A blanket of snow covered her long curly hair turning it white.
Out of breath, Marissa ran to her sister and threw her arms around her. Pamela stumbled back in surprise. “Thanks for caring about me,” Marissa said as she squeezed tightly. “Let’s spend the evening together O.K.? I get off work early. We can sit by the fire and have a movie night.”
Pamela smiled broadly then frowned. “But aren’t you going to see Nick?”
Marissa looked up. A shower of snow rained on her face. “With all of this snow, it’s probably not a good idea for me to go see him anyway. If I was stuck there all night, Dad might freak.”
Excited, Pam grinned again. “We can make hot chocolate and popcorn!”
“And snuggle under blankets on the couch!” Marissa added.
“It’ll be like old times.”
“Yeah, like old times,” Marissa echoed.
Before leaving for work, Marissa picked up the envelope with the letter from Daniel. She hesitated a moment, then opened it carefully, unfolding each page.
Marissa,
I just woke up after having a pretty wild dream about you. I’ve been thinking about you more and more lately. I don’t know why, I guess I just miss you. I keep my radio on every night. I can’t sleep without it. While I was asleep, they played a song by The Cult. My subconscious listened to it and it brought me back in time, back to when we first met. That’s what my dream was about.
You once asked me why I was planning to move out here when I did and I didn’t give you much of a reason. That’s because I simply followed my instincts. I didn’t have much of a reason then, I just wanted to. People tried to discourage me at first by telling me things wouldn’t work out but I’ve learned one valuable lesson in life: Always trust your own instincts and never listen to anyone.
I hope to come out there during spring break to visit everyone. I want to see you. I figure I can stay at Steve’s house for about a week. I’d rather spend a week in hell than spend it at my mother’s house again. That’s why things went so terribly last time I came to visit. It was great seeing you but things were just too tough and it didn’t work out.
I need to see you. At first when I moved out here, I was glad to get away from everybody. I liked being alone. It made me feel good to know that no one out here knew my name, that I could do anything, that I could disappear from the face of this earth and nobody would even know or even care for that matter. But now I don’t feel that way anymore. I guess for the first time in my life, I feel lonely. Something exciting will happen and I want to tell someone about it, but there is no one to tell it to.
I’m getting tired and my eyes are hurting from all of this writing, so I should go.
I love you,
Daniel
Like old times, Pamela had said. It did feel like old times and Marissa ached to go back to the way things were. Things were simpler then, no hiding, n
o secrets, just a plain old teenage life. After reading his letter Marissa wanted to see him again. In her gut, she recoiled at the memory of breaking up with him over the phone after a two-year relationship. It didn’t seem right.
Chapter Nineteen
“A Course in Miracles,” Marissa read slowly as she unwrapped the rest of the package. She smiled. “What is it Nick?”
“It’s a book on tape I got out of the library two days ago, not this one but another one. Anyway, I started listening to it and knew at once that I had to get it for you. It’s too cool. It’s the abridged version, so if you like it, let me know and we’ll take the complete version out of the library together.”
Lights twinkled on the Christmas tree. The fire Marissa’s dad had made in the fireplace was dying down. “I’m sure I’ll love it,” said Marissa hugging the tapes to her chest.
“Wait there’s more,” Nick said as he handed her another package. “And the card, open the card last.”
Marissa ripped off the paper from the small package. It was another cassette tape. Kate Bush, The Dreaming.
Nick explained, “I’ve been wanting you to hear her music. It’s pretty wild. One of the songs on this tape, Wuthering Heights, reminds me of you. Do you remember? It was the book you were reading when we met.”
Marissa gazed into his blue eyes, “Yes, Nick I remember. I remember every detail since the day we met.”
“O.K. now open the envelope,” said Nick excitedly.
Carefully, Marissa opened the envelope being careful not to rip it. She pulled out a card and two tickets fell out. She picked them up, “Tickets to The Nutcracker Nick?” she shrieked. “You can’t afford this!” She threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you so much.”
“Wait, read the card Marissa,” he said seriously.
“Oh, right,” she said settling down on the couch once more. She opened up the card and read:
My dearest Marissa,
Merry Christmas! Getting to know you over these past few months has been absolutely blissful. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I can only hope that the unfolding of our relationship will bring more joy and happiness to us both.
Love,
Nick
Love,
Tears came to her eyes. “Nick, you signed, love, does that mean…?”
Nick stroked her hair and looked deep into her eyes, “I love you Marissa. That is my Christmas present to you, my love.”
“Oh, I love you Nick. I’ve always known that ever since I first laid eyes on you. It was weird what happened when I saw you and how it happened but I knew right away,” Marissa gushed.
Nick continued to hold her, “I know you knew. You have a way of knowing things. It took me a lot longer to realize it. That’s why when you told me, after Ann’s party, you were “in love” with me I froze. And then you were asking about commitment and it was too much.”
“But now that you love me, we can talk about commitment, right?” Marissa asked boldly.
Nick frowned, “Marissa, I still think it’s too soon in the game to talk about commitment.”
“But if you love me, how could you even think about dating anyone else?” Marissa questioned in despair.
“I didn’t say I was thinking about dating anyone else, Mariss. You misunderstood me. I’m saying you’re eighteen and I’m twenty-four. We’re still young. I don’t think I’m ready for marriage yet. So my point is, commitment means playing as if we are married. Are you ready to give up your freedom now before marriage?” he asked in earnest.
“Maybe. If it means you won’t go out with any other women. I don’t think I could share you with another woman. It would hurt too much,” Marissa admitted.
Nick stared at the embers in the fireplace. “You’re rushing things again Marissa.”
Marissa tried her argumentation again in desperation. It irked her that a pleasant moment was turning into something potentially negative but she had to tell him how she felt. “Nick, with the passion there is between us, and now the love, it won’t be long until we succumb to our physical attraction. We’ve already come so close. And I couldn’t make love with you if you weren’t committed to me.”
Nick closed his eyes for a minute to ponder on what she had just said. “O.K. how about this? I will promise not to date any other women unless I talk to you about it first.”
“I guess that sounds O.K. But please know Nick, that I won’t date anyone else as long as I’m in love with you. Why would I want to?”
“But you are free to,” Nick argued.
“But I won’t,” Marissa argued back. The concept was so entirely new to her, she wasn’t sure she liked it. Daniel had always been so jealous and possessive it was sort of flattering. The fact that Nick was ready to let her go made her feel uncomfortable.
“Speaking of which, I’d love to plan a time where we can be alone, completely alone,” Nick emphasized. “No parents, no roommates just us.”
Marissa leaned over to kiss him. “You mean like a night at a hotel?” she asked coyly.
Nick returned her kiss, “I was thinking along those lines.”
“When?”
“We could work it out in the next couple of weeks. What do you think?” he asked, his eyes sparkling.
“I think I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time,” answered Marissa as she reflected on how much she desired him.
And with those thoughts of being alone, they soon forgot that they were indeed not alone late that Christmas night. Nick, feeling released by verbalizing his love for her, couldn’t resist kissing and touching her passionately and Marissa reciprocating his every move was stunned when she heard a voice call out. “I saw that!”
Marissa turned red as she backed up from Nick’s embrace and asked innocently, “Saw what?”
Pamela reached up into the cupboard for a glass and said nonchalantly, “You don’t have to be embarrassed. Like I care.” Then turning to the couple on the couch said in an equally cool voice, “Hey Nick!”
“Pam, it’s ‘Mike’ remember?” Marissa said through grated teeth.
“Yeah, like Dad would even hear. It’s like after midnight. We’re the only ones up,” Pam answered.
“Hey Pam,” Nick said just as calmly.
Since Nick came over almost daily, they had decided they couldn’t hide from Pamela. She knew anyway so they swore her to secrecy. But it was getting harder and harder to keep track of who knew and who didn’t know or who knew Nick as “Mike” and Marissa as “Samira”. Marissa felt relieved it was only five short months until graduation.
They booked a hotel room. Now all Marissa had to worry about was an excuse for being out all night and an alibi. Since Brogan was the person she was most likely to go out with, Brogan had to agree to cover for her or it wouldn’t work. School was definitely not the place to talk about her plans with Nick so she decided to pay a visit to Brogan at the dry cleaners.
Opening the door of the dry cleaners felt strange. As her hand touched the metal handle, memories of the past summer flooded back. It brought her back to the time when Daniel was there with his bandaged arms. It was eerie, almost as if it had just happened. Bells chimed as the door swung open and Brogan looked up from her homework. Surprised she called out, “Well look who’s here!”
Marissa, who was bothered by the fact that she had been ignoring her friend and was now asking her for a favor, answered humbly, “It’s me.”
“So how’s the older man doing?” Brogan teased.
Shyly, Marissa shrugged and pushed her hands into her pockets, “He’s great!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. In fact I was coming to ask you a little favor Brog. Nick and I are planning on staying at a hotel in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if…”
“If I would cover for you?” Brogan finished.
“Yeah,” Marissa smiled.
A serious look overcame Brogan’s flawless face. Her green eyes became intense and her brows furrowed.
/> Marissa, puzzled, stared at her friend, “Brog, you will cover for me won’t you? You know I’d do it for you in a heartbeat.”
“It’s just that…” Brogan hesitated before she finally spoke, “Do you really know him Marissa? Do you really know what he’s like?”
“Of course I know him. I see him almost every day. We talk all the time.”
“But Marissa, do you really know him? I mean you only met the guy four months ago and you don’t know what he was like before.”
“Brogan, I’ve met his family and friends. They all seem quite normal, in fact a lot more normal than my family.”
“Well, don’t you think it’s weird that he would go out with a high school student when he could go out with a woman his own age?” Brogan spouted out.
Marissa was hurt. “Under normal circumstances, yes. I do think it would be weird. But Nick and I have a connection that I’ve never experienced before and he loves me. It’s not just about sex, Brog. We haven’t even had sex yet. So if he wanted to take advantage of me, he would have already done it. Why all of these questions all of the sudden?”
Brogan looked down at an imaginary piece of lint on her sweater and attempted to brush it off. “Tim Kowalski,” she began.
Marissa rolled her eyes and exhaled deeply.
“Tim Kowalski,” she repeated, “was talking to John the other night. His parents were talking about the new art teacher and how they’re concerned about the way he acts around students, female students in particular…”
Marissa cut in, “Brogan come on, you know how good-looking he is. That is the most biased…”
“Let me finish,” said Brogan annoyed. “They just don’t know why girls tend to want to hang around him so much in school. And then there was the rumor earlier in the year about him going out with a student.”
Now Marissa was annoyed, “What’s your point Brogan?”
“My point is, are you sure he’s not just using you? Are you sure he isn’t playing other girls too?”
“Brogan, I know for a fact that Nick works two jobs every day. I know for a fact that he goes to bed between one and two in the morning since we see each other until that time. So unless he is seeing other high school girls between the hours of two and seven in the morning, in which case he wouldn’t be sleeping, ever, I’m the only one in his life. Trust me on this one, Brog, he’s a good guy.”
Forbidden Fruit: An Unlikely Love Story Page 19