Defile

by Jessica Prince

  It didn’t help one damn bit

  Tatum

  The service had been beautiful, or at least I assumed that was the case. I hadn’t been able to lift my head. I couldn’t see the casket, or the pictures of Will’s handsome smiling face. The pain was too unbearable. I sniffled and cried while trite, clichéd words were spoken about a man who’d been stolen from all of us far too soon.

  We went from the funeral home to the gravesite, and I spent that time staring at the bright green grass beneath my shoes, thinking that the vivid colors of the bright sunny day were a contradiction to the somber, depressing mood hanging in the air around all of us. The cheerful day only made me that much angrier.

  There was nothing anyone could do or say at a time such as this to make those who loved him feel any better. I was in a sinking pit of despair, and rationally, I knew that only time would help me to navigate my way out. But right then all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and wallow in it. It felt like the agonizing sense of loss would never fade.

  “You sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

  I looked up at Camden and offered a small, sad grin. It was the best I was able to do. Everything hurt—my eyes, my head, my heart, my soul. Granted, the first two were due to crying nonstop since Lyla’s call a few days before. I wasn’t sure if the last two would ever stop hurting.

  “Trust me, I’d give anything to be able to take you with me, but this is something I have to do on my own. I need to be there for Lyla. The last thing she needs is a big drama because Declan and I are in the same room together for the first time in a decade. I just don’t trust him not to cause a scene if I walk in with you.”

  Camden’s gorgeous face twisted in a furious frown. “I don’t give a shit about that asshole. I care about you. I don’t want you to have to do this alone, Tate. Will was like a brother to you.”

  I placed my hand on his arm and tried for a genuine smile this time. “I won’t be alone, honey. I’ll have Lyla, and she’ll have me. It’ll be fine. And I’ll call you as soon as I leave.”

  He looked like he wanted to push further, but gratefully decided to let it be. “You promise?”

  “I swear. As soon as I leave.”

  “Fine,” he huffed, blowing out a long, beleaguered breath. “You staying with your folks again tonight?”

  I nodded, swallowing thickly, unable to answer out loud. Since the call, I’d been crashing in my old bedroom at my parents’ house, needing the security and comfort only they could provide.

  “Okay, I’ll be there when you get back. I’m crashing there tonight.”

  My nose began to sting with a frsh wave of tears, only that time they were of relief. “You don’t have to,” I whispered, mainly because I felt I had to at least give him an out.

  “I know I don’t have to. I want to. You’re my best friend, Tate. I’m going to be here for you whether you like it or not.”

  “You’re my best friend too,” I managed to croak past the golf ball in my throat. “And if you want to torture yourself by sleeping in that twin bed my parents keep in the guest room, then you won’t get any argument from me.”

  Camden’s arms came around me like two strong metal bands, holding me securely. That was one of the reasons he was my best friend. He always knew exactly what I needed before I even had a chance to tell him.

  “Thank you,” I said in a hushed voice as I laid my cheek on his chest. “Thank you for being here. Thank you for being my friend.”

  “I’ll always be your friend, babycakes. Never doubt that. Now get going. Go be with Lyla. And give her my love. Tell her I’m thinking of her.”

  We separated, and I headed to my car just feet away from Will’s gravesite. I made the drive to Lyla and Will’s parents’ house in complete silence. I didn’t let myself think about seeing him again, or what I would say, if anything. I didn’t let myself think about how unbearably sad I was, or how much I was going to miss Will. I put all my focus on Lyla. I tried to figure out how I could help her, how I could make this easier. If that was even possible.

  Less than half of the people who’d been at the service were at the house, the family having opted to keep this part of the day to only those closest to Will.

  Putting the car in Park, I closed my eyes and pulled in a deep, stuttered breath. “Miss you,” I whispered to the heavens. “I’ll miss you forever, Will.”

  Once I was back in control and no longer at risk of breaking down in a fit of tears for the billionth time, I cut the ignition and climbed out.

  Walking through that familiar door without hearing Will’s loud, boisterous “Tater tot!” was a knife to the heart.

  I scanned the faces, unseeing until my gaze landed on my friend, and then I made a beeline right to her.

  “Lyla,” I breathed, wrapping my arms around her the second I reached her side. She returned my embrace, her arms squeezing so tight my ribs groaned in protest. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Tate. I’m so glad you’re here. When I didn’t see you at the service—”

  “I was in the back,” I whispered close to her ear, still holding on for dear life. “I wouldn’t have missed it for anything, you know that. But I didn’t want to cause any problems.”

  “You could never cause any problems, honey. I love you. You’re welcome anywhere at any time.”

  Just as we pulled apart and wiped the tears from our faces, a gruff, gravelly voice spoke my name. The first sincere smile of the past couple days finally spread across my face as I moved into Garrett’s warm embrace. Camden hadn’t been kidding—the dude looked like he belonged on a Viking ship, not behind a drum kit.

  When we broke apart, I noticed the woman he’d had with him at the AMAs was by his side, the same woman whose face had been plastered across millions celebrity trash magazines lately. Her expression of uncertainty tugged at my heartstrings. I totally understood why she’d be feeling a little uncomfortable. Wanting to put her mind at ease, I moved to her and gave her a hug, making sure to keep smiling when we broke apart.

  “You must be Gwen. I’ve heard so much about you. I’m glad to finally meet you in person.

  She gaped for a few seconds, unprepared for my kindness before stammering, “I—you… uh, you have?”

  I could see why Garrett was so enamored with the brunette beauty. She was adorable.

  “Sure. We ran into each other in LA. He couldn’t stop talking about you. I’ve been dying to meet the woman who was able to tame the caveman.”

  At my teasing barb, Garrett scoffed. “Please, you know I was the easiest one to deal with out of all those assholes.”

  He wasn’t wrong about that. But instead of admitting it, I rolled my eyes and gave my head a shake.

  “It’s nice to meet you too,” she finally said. “Garrett had nothing but nice things to say about you.”

  That statement warmed my chest at the same time that familiar ache reappeared. These guys had been my brothers, my family. God, I’d missed them like crazy.

  Pushing the melancholy back, I kept up the playful façade, and laughed. “I highly doubt that,” I said, smacking Garrett in the ribs. “This guy was like a brother to me growing up, so I was basically the annoying sister following them around, getting in their way.”

  Killian and Mason showed up just then, each of them greeting me like a long-lost family member finally returned home.

  I’m not going to cry. I am not going to cry.

  Just as I worried I’d burst into tears all over again, he spoke. One word, two syllables.

  “Tatum.”

  And I could’ve sworn my brain exploded.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Tatum

  I wasn’t sure what had gotten into me, why an angry cloud of red had suddenly blanketed my vision and pushed all my sadness away. Maybe it was because of how horrifically he’d broken my heart so long ago, or maybe it was because the first time I saw him after nearly a decade, he was crooning hateful words into a mic before getting his cock sucked
by some groupie. Whatever the reason, I barely noticed Lyla and Mace taking off before Mt. Tatum could explode and rain holy terror down on everyone around me.

  “Deck,” I replied flatly, feigning a boredom I most certainly wasn’t feeling. “You look better than the last time I saw you. Not that I’d expect you to remember the last time I saw you. If I recall, you were balls-deep in some skank and high as a kite. I’m pretty sure you didn’t even know I was there.”

  “Oh fuck,” Killian mumbled.

  “Ah hell,” Garrett grunted.

  But I could barely hear it over Declan’s feral growl. Then, before I could so much as blink, that asshole lunged, threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and charged up the stairs.

  “Declan!” I screeched, pounding my fists into his solid back. “Have you lost your mind? Put me down!”

  He didn’t listen. Taking the stairs two at a time, he stomped down the hall, carrying me like I weighed less than nothing, until he came to an empty bedroom. The sound of my feet hitting the carpet was accompanied by the door slamming so hard it rattled on its hinges.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “You have no right to touch me, let alone carry me around like a goddamn caveman!”

  Declan crowded me, forcing me to stumble back until my butt collided with the dresser. “Ten years,” he hissed, looking dangerously similar to a raging bull. “I haven’t seen you in ten fucking years, and you show up to my best friend’s funeral with that guy?” he finished on a roar.

  My entire body grew cold from the inside out. “Don’t you dare,” I whispered before losing my cool completely. “Don’t you fucking dare! He was my friend too! I loved Will, so don’t you stand here and insinuate that today is about anything but him! Will and Camden liked each other. He wanted to pay his respects—”

  Quick as lightning, Declan grabbed the lamp from the dresser and hurled it across the room. The ceramic base exploded against the wall, raining jagged shards onto the carpeted floor. I stood with my mouth hanging open in shock as he began pacing, raking his fingers through his hair. “Will liked that guy? Goddamn it, Tate! Are you trying to hurt me?”

  Just then I was hit with a fresh wave of tears. “I’m not doing this with you,” I whispered as the first fell, followed by many more. “Not today. Not any day, but especially not today.”

  I bolted for the door just as a loud, hiccupping sob ripped from my chest, but he was too fast. Placing his hand on the door above my head, he shoved it closed and pressed his back against my chest. “Tate.” My name came out haggard and pained, causing me to cry even harder.

  “He’s dead, Deck. Will’s dead, and I can’t do this. I can’t handle it.” I broke down like I had the night I got the phone call. I’d cried every day since, but not like this, not the kind of crying that was so loud and hard it made your chest ache and your stomach muscles feel like one big bruise by the time you were finished.

  That was how I cried as Declan turned me into his chest and held on tight. I was so lost in my misery that I completely lost track of time, and it wasn’t until I’d cried myself out and exhaustion was setting into my bones that I realized where I was, and whose arms were giving me comfort.

  “Shh, baby,” he soothed, running his hand down my back. “It’s okay. I got you.”

  Jerking from Declan’s hold, I sidestepped in order to put some much-needed space between us. With a frown, I looked up into those stormy blues I’d once loved so much. I didn’t have the first clue how to react to being in his presence. Everything had changed. I had changed.

  And I didn’t know how to be around him anymore. He’d been my best friend for longer than we’d been together as a couple, but it was as if I was staring up at a complete stranger.

  “Why did you bring me up here, Declan?” I asked, my voice hoarse and raspy from my latest crying jag.

  “I—” He shook his head violently, like doing so would help to form a clear, concise thought. “I don’t know. I saw you and I just… reacted. I didn’t think.”

  There was no stopping the bitter, sarcastic laugh that burst from my throat. I might’ve been a different person than I was ten years ago, but it was clear as day that Declan hadn’t changed one damn bit.

  “Seems you make a pretty nasty habit out of that,” I sneered. “Screw how other people might feel because of your thoughtless actions, right?”

  “Tatum, I—”

  “Did you even stop to consider the fact that I didn’t want to be alone in a room with you? Or that maybe I didn’t want you touching me? Did that thought ever even cross your mind?” I was on a roll, ranting uncontrollably, but damn if it didn’t feel good to say what had been weighing on me for so long. “I mean, you couldn’t possibly have taken one. Single. Freaking. Second to think about what I wanted, because if you had, you’d have stayed way the hell away from me. As if flying halfway around the world just to witness your coked-out ass in the middle of the fucking threesome wasn’t bad enough, then I get to sit in an audience of thousands and listen while you rip me to shreds with one of your songs. God! You’re such an unbelievably selfish bastard! But then again, you always were. Was destroying me once not good enough for you? Had to go tear that wound open all over again and pour salt in it just to make yourself feel better?

  “For Christ’s sake, Tatum! Will you fucking listen to m—?”

  “No. I won’t. I won’t listen to a goddamn word you have to say, because you’re a liar. That’s all you are, Declan. A liar. Your words mean nothing. Now, I’m sorry for what you must be going through right now. I know you loved Will, and he loved you too. But this isn’t something I can commiserate about with you. I won’t share my grief with you, or let you hold me while I break down. We aren’t in this together.”

  “That’s bullshit,” he growled, taking a step closer. “Of course we’re in this together. No amount of time or distance can change the fact that it was the six of us. It will always be the six of us. We’re in this together. Will was all of ours, and we need to lean on each other.”

  That familiar anger he exhibited whenever he didn’t get his way came rushing back to the surface. But I was done. I had nothing left in me. The emotional upheaval I’d been experiencing the past few days had officially taken its toll.

  When I spoke next, my words were empty, hollow. There wasn’t a single ounce of emotion, good or bad, left in me. I’d been tapped out. “I don’t want to lean on you, Declan.”

  “Don’t say that,” he pleaded in a hushed tone.

  “Why not? It’s the truth. I don’t even want to know you. If I could go back in time, I’d erase you from my memory completely. Unfortunately, that’s not an option.”

  He looked like I’d just slapped him. I wanted that to give me a thrill, but all it did was make that gnawing emptiness in my gut grow even wider.

  Neither of us said another word as I opened the door and walked out of the room. I spent the remainder of my time in that house catering to Lyla’s every need. I talked to the other guys, got to know Gwen, and when I finally left, I breathed a sigh of relief.

  It was over. Done. I’d never have to see Declan Forrester again.

  Declan

  She spent the next few hours acting like I didn’t even exist. And damn she was good at that. Her eyes didn’t even trail in my direction for a fraction of a second, and I would know, considering I spent the entire time watching her every move.

  “Hey.” Gwen’s voice pulled my focus from my fixation on Tate, and I turned to her just as she took a seat next to me on the couch. “You doing okay?”

  “Can’t say I am, Baby Mama,” I muttered, lifting my beer bottle to my lips and taking a pull.

  She fiddled with her fingers in her lap. “Well, I know it doesn’t really help much, but I’m here if you need to talk. About anything. I don’t know if Garrett told you, but I lost both my parents, so I get what you’re going through.”

  I felt a pang of sympathy in my
chest for her. “Shit, babe. I’m sorry to hear that. Garrett didn’t say anything.”

  Her smile was full of sadness as she shrugged. “Yeah well, it was a while ago. But I lost them pretty close together, so it was like one hit after another.”

  “When was this?”

  “My dad was back when I was in college. It was unexpected. We didn’t see it coming. My mom was about two years later, but she was sick for a long time before that. Cancer. I had to watch her suffer before she finally let go. It was only a couple months before I met Garrett, actually. The night we….” She swallowed audibly, and I knew exactly what she was trying to say. The night they’d hooked up, and he’d inadvertently gotten her pregnant with their daughter, Liddy.

  “Fuck.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, pulling her against my side. “I’m so sorry, honey,” I muttered against her hair. “I had no idea.”

  “It’s okay,” she said softly, leaning against for comfort. “Like I said, it was a while ago, and I’m okay now. But I get it. What you’re going through, I mean. I understand. So if you ever need to talk, I can do that. Or I can just listen if you want to vent about how incredibly unfair it is. I understand that too.”

  I offered her a genuine smile when she finally pulled back and looked up at me. “Thanks, Gwen. Garrett’s a lucky bastard.”

  She turned her gaze, so full of longing, toward my brother. “Funny,” she muttered, so softly it was almost as if she was speaking to herself. “I thought the lucky one was me.”

  I really fucking liked that for Garrett. We sat in companionable silence for a few more minutes before Garrett finally had enough of me monopolizing his girl’s time and came to steal her back. Then I turned my attention to finding Tatum. It took me a while to realize she’d snuck out while I was preoccupied with Gwen.

  That was okay though. Because I had a plan.

  She thought she didn’t want to know me anymore. But she was wrong about one thing. I wasn’t the same selfish prick I’d been back then.