by Ashlee Price
“Whew!” I said.
“Is something wrong?”
“We might have to take part of mine back in doggie bag. That’s a lot of food.”
“Don’t worry. I happen to know where you can get a good workout,” he quipped, a grin on his face.
“May I hold you to that?” I asked, the insecurity still evident in my voice.
“Indeed you may.”
We went on to chat, sharing details about who we were and how we’d come to where we then sat. I told him about growing up in a college town and my perfectionistic tendencies to please my parents, and then about Tiff and her totally rebellious behavior.
He shared his younger years when his parents were still alive. He trailed off as he talked about entering high school, so I had a pretty good idea that was when his world had fallen apart.
“What made you join the Navy?”
“I’m from Chicago. That’s what we do.”
I laughed. “Oh, I guess you would, wouldn’t you? You must have been very good at what you do to get into the SEALs. They’re quiet an elite force, aren’t they?”
He sipped his champagne, thoughtful. “Some of the best and some of the worst times of my life were in the Navy,” he said quietly.
Our dinner arrived, and we were both fairly consumed with the tidiest manner of dealing with the butter and digging out the lobster meat. I’d never been a huge fan of fish, so I concentrated on the filet mignon and potato. Eventually, Dagger laughed and signaled the waiter. “Would you put Ms. Travers’ lobster into a doggie bag, please?”
The waiter was only too happy to comply. I looked guilty, and that prompted Dagger to say, “Don’t worry, I’ll eat the lobster at home.”
“I’m sorry. That’s what I get for asking you to order dinner.”
“Tell you what. Next time, you get to order for the both of us and I’ll have to eat whatever you choose. How’s that sound?”
“That sounds deliciously dangerous. I think I can handle that,” I laughed, dabbing my finger in the tiny bowl of butter and tapping him on the end of the nose.
I swore he blushed. I guessed he was unused to anyone being that familiar with him. He dabbed it off with his linen napkin, and I could tell by the glint in his eyes that I could expect payback at some point.
We had built a rapport between us. I’m not sure if it began in the pool area, or at the restaurant or somewhere else, but it was definitely growing. When we finished dinner, I realized we’d been there talking and eating for three hours. Dagger flagged the waiter and ordered another magnum of champagne. As the club was showing signs of closing, he took me by the hand and we wandered down to the waterline. There was a deck carved into the bottom of the slope where the water lapped up over the edge. Dagger picked up two of the beach chairs and set them right at the water’s edge so the waves washed up over our feet.
“Madame.” He gestured to a chair and held my hand as I slipped off my heels and wiggled my toes into the cool water. When I sat down, he peeled off his shoes and socks as well, carefully turned up his pant legs and took his seat next to me.
We settled back into our chairs as he handed me yet another glass of champagne. “I’m thinking I might skip this, as I did all but one inside, Dagger. I’ll do the driving tonight.”
“Probably not a bad idea,” he agreed with a nod. “After all, you are my assistant, right?”
Of course, that remark once again threw me into total turmoil as I tried to reason what he meant by that. He’d had a lot to drink, and I decided to write it all off to that. He held his liquor well, though. I had to give him that. There was no weaving or slurring whatsoever. I decided to bring it up.
“You certainly are a better man than I at holding your liquor, Dagger.”
“Huh, you think so? Well, I’ve had plenty of practice, I don’t mind saying. That was the only way to get through the darkness.”
I wondered again what he was keeping to himself. It was none of my business, certainly, but there was a possibility he might like to confide in me. It could bring us closer together. Then again, it could put a wider rift between us. I had to chance it. It meant giving him the opportunity to bare his soul, and that was reason enough.
“I have something to admit to you, Dagger,” I said in an even voice. The waves, although not rough, did make a constant background noise I had to cover.
“Oh? What’s that?”
“You know last night when you were having a swim by yourself?”
His eyebrows rose and I steeled myself for whatever emotion was going to erupt. He nodded vaguely, I think. I wasn’t even certain he’d done that as the moonlight made the shadows of his chiseled chin difficult to discern.
“Well, okay, so it was quite a day and I had trouble sleeping. I came downstairs, intending to take another swim myself, and when I went in, there you were. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I didn’t let you know I was there. I hung back and watched you do your workout.”
“Is that so?” His tone was level and low.
I could hear myself flying into apologetic mode and tried to get into my psychologist frame of approach. I couldn’t make this about us. It needed to be neutral ground where he could feel safe.
“Well, anyway, I saw your back.” I hesitated, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but then I’d have seen it eventually when we worked together. “I saw the scars and I saw your tattoo. It’s magnificent work. I’m bringing it up now because I would have seen it eventually, but I wanted to ask you about it now… that is, if you’re willing to talk to me about it.”
He leaned forward, finished his glass and stared out over the water. Sighing, he felt back into the chair and stretched out his hands. “What do you want to know?”
Tentatively I said, “Whatever you’re willing to share.”
“You may as well know. You’ll be one of the few, though. When I was in the SEALs, we were on a dangerous mission. Well, hell, they were all dangerous. That’s why they called us in to begin with,” he snorted. “I can’t give you all the details, obviously, but a buddy of mine was killed when there was an unexplained explosion. I thought maybe they could bring him back, and instead of taking the route beneath the flames that lay on the water, I went to the surface. I got toasted.” He stopped there, taking deep breaths. I could tell he was feeling deeply guilty about the whole thing, although I didn’t know why. He went on. “I got the tattoo because the scars were hard to look at and because I didn’t want the ugliness commemorated on my buddy. So, now you know.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure he saw me. “Do you somehow feel responsible?” It was a daring and intrusive question, but it had to be asked. This man was no pansy, after all. He could take it.
“Hell, of course I do! I was in charge! It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. I don’t believe it was an accident, though.”
“You mean, someone sabotaged you guys?”
“You could call it that.”
He stopped there, and I got the distinct feeling that I’d pushed him as far as he was willing to go, given the fact that we’d only known one another a couple of days.
“Hey, Whit?”
I leaned over the arm of the chair toward him. “Yes?”
“You’ve got guts.”
I was startled by his comment; it was hardly the kind of thing I’d expected.
“Thank you?”
“No, really, I mean it. You see, I saw you come into the pool area, and I knew you didn’t want me to know. I put on a bit of a show for you. You took it, and then you turn around and admit to me that you were hiding. That took guts. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure. I don’t have anything to hide. Well, at least not now.”
“My gut tells me you’re not really experienced in lovemaking. Am I off target on that?”
It was my turn to sigh. I leaned back into my seat, back into the pseudo-safe place I’d felt earlier. “No. I’m a virgin, in fact.”
He chuckled. “I had a feeling you were going to sa
y that.”
“Why?”
“Honey, it’s all over your face. You look like a kid who got caught with a six-pack and you’re trying to figure out whether your mother’s going to find out and whup you.”
“That bad, eh?”
“Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be trying out for any movie roles quite yet.”
I knew I was blushing. I could feel the heat in my face. “Does that mean you want me to quit?”
“Why the hell would I want that?” He picked up a water-smoothed stone and threw it far enough that I couldn’t see where it hit the water. “In case you haven’t noticed, you’re a beautiful woman. And in case you haven’t noticed, there’s a little chemistry going on here between us.”
“There is?” I asked quickly and then blushed again. He was right. I badly needed lessons from Charlize Theron in the art of mysterious subtleties.
He laughed again, and it was a cheerful sound, so much better than the sad moments that had preceded it. “So, let me ask you this one more time. Are you sure you’re up for this? I mean, obviously you’re breathtaking and have had men crawling all over you, yet you never gave in. Now, suddenly, you’re willing to throw all that aside for a job?”
“No, not for a job.”
“Then what?” His body was arched sideways, his arms spread, and a laughing, incredulous expression danced on his gorgeous, moonlit face.
“For you.”
He went silent and stared at me. I wondered momentarily whether he might be too drunk for my words to sink in.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” he said finally. “Not to be corny, but as the old movie line goes, we seem to be at cross purposes.”
“What? I don’t understand.”
“Honey, first of all, there’s nothing I’d like better than to throw you down on that sand, rip off that black dress and replace it with my body. But I’m not going to do that, and do you know why?”
“Why?” I was choking on my own words as his had already filled the space in my brain and throat.
He slapped his knee as if he’d just realized his own intentions. “Because I’ve put myself in the insane position of hiring the only woman in the world I want to fuck, but can’t because I want to preserve her until she’s lost her idealistic silliness, and yet I have to fuck because it’s a part of the job I gave her! How insane is that?”
I was dying in my chair. It had lost its sanctuary. “I—I don’t know what to say, Dagger… except that if I’m going to lose my virginity, there’s no one I’d rather give it to than you. But it does bother me that it’s going to be in front of a crowd, and to tell you the truth, I know there will be blood and stuff, so they’re going to get quite an eyeful!”
“Oh… my… God!” He slapped his forehead and sat back laughing at a joke which only he seemed to get. “Let me ask you this,” he went on. “Why didn’t you ever give in before?”
“I don’t know. I guess it was because I was supposed to be the good daughter, the one who did everything right. My older sister, Tiff, had pretty much already let that train pass and I felt I had to make up for her lack of, well, I guess you’d call it restraint. It seemed easier to say no to everyone than to pick one and then regret it. Anyway, U of M was a hard school to get into, even though I lived close by. I had to focus on my studies to get in, and to snag a few small scholarships. It wasn’t easy for me. Then, when it was all finally done, and I’d gotten my degree, I came here to find a job and Tiff put me up for a while. That was when I realized my degree wasn’t worth much without an ongoing master’s, and Tiff was getting, well… like Tiff gets, and I got desperate. That’s when I was answering all kinds of crazy ads, including yours, and now you understand the rest.” I wanted to hear his reaction, and I hoped the alcohol wouldn’t be modifying his words.
“Whit, Whit, Whit… what am I going to do with you?”
“You really want me to answer that question?”
He was thoughtful. “No, not yet. Don’t answer me until you’re ready. As a matter of fact, we’re going to leave this all in your hands. Look, let me make this plain to you. I want you. But I want you for more than my yoga partner. I want to date you, to get to know you better, to delve into that honest little insecure mind of yours and understand how you think. Now, the problem here is that I don’t particularly want to do that without the idea that maybe, just maybe, there’s some kind of relationship between us personally in the future. I’m not going to use you and throw you to the circling wolves, so to speak.
“The real irony is that I don’t want you to lose your virginity to me in front of strangers. In fact, I don’t particularly want you to be nude with strangers, but I’m going to have to get past that, because I’m asking others to do the exact same thing. So even if I fired you as my assistant and asked you to be my girlfriend, I’d still need an assistant, and that would mean I’d be theoretically fucking you and the assistant at the same time. How do we get past that?”
I was following his logic perfectly, albeit unhappily. “How did you plan to handle it before me? You would be fucking your assistant anyway.”
“I didn’t expect you.”
There was a hush that closed over us with his words. I think it hit him at the same time it hit me.
“Are you saying that you could morally be okay with fucking someone you didn’t want in your life in any other sense?”
“Of course that’s what I’m saying. It was just a job. Hell, call it making porn if you want to, it’s not like it doesn’t come close to that anyway. I like to put a better read on it and think of it as healthy exercise for all parts of the body, and the only people involved are couples.”
“Except for you,” I pointed out.
“Except for me,” he agreed, and I could tell he saw the hole in his logic as soon as the words left his lips.
We both sat there; he with a booze-clouded mind and me in a state of desire and alertness that only confession of one’s soul can bring.
“Only one way out of this,” he pronounced.
“What’s that?”
“You have to be okay being nude and letting others see you.”
“How about the… you know… the insertion part of it?”
He thought about it. “Okay, here’s how this is going to play out. If you can eventually feel comfortable being nude in front of others, then you and I will never have ‘insertion’, as you call it, in front of an audience. We’ll go right to that point and then break apart and circulate through the room, helping our clients. Hell, they’d know we’re not married anyway, so this might even be a better idea. As for you and I, as of right now I’m asking whether I might date you. If you agree, any ‘insertion’ will happen if and only if you’re ready for it and ask me specifically for it. Otherwise, all our contact, private or public, will be touching only. You are the keeper of the safe word, so to speak. How does that sound to you?”
I gave his words time to simmer and saw the logic in his plan. We could pursue a relationship, but I was in control. I could be nude in front of others. Heck, every woman eventually got her share of spectators anyway, what with having babies and GYN exams. For that matter, bathing suits practically exposed everything you had, not to mention getting a Brazilian wax. This sounded much better than what I’d been steeling myself to undergo.
I nodded and said, “Yes, I accept your terms, and yes, I’d like to date you.”
“Good!” he said, heaving the mostly empty bottle of champagne into the waves. “Now, my dear… if you will take me home, please?”
“I’d be honored,” I said cockily and rose, offering him my hand.
We walked toward his car while he fished for his keys and handed them to me.
“One thing I want to know,” I said on the way back to his house.
“And that is?”
“Will you still remember our deal when you sober up?”
“If I don’t, I have no doubt you will remind me.”
“Good point.”
CHAPTER TEN
Dagger
The sun sneaked in through the high window of my room while I was asleep and shot a sword of light into my eyes. I nearly screamed from the pain and fumbled to get away from it until I finally realized the true source. I was hung over.
There was a taste in my mouth that didn’t bode well, and I hoped I’d made it to the bathroom. Practically falling off the mattress, I went there then and brushed my teeth, nearly gagging on the toothbrush. Why did I always promise myself never to drink again and then turn right around and do it? I liked to believe my own lies, that was why.
It wasn’t until that moment, when my knees and toes were particularly susceptible, that I realized just how many hard, sharp surfaces I’d allowed the designer to use in furnishing my room. I’d have to rectify that as soon as my knees healed and I could walk upright again.
I managed to get dressed and went in search of coffee. As I opened my door, Kat was standing there with a cup in her outstretched, thin-wristed hand. “Thank you,” I mumbled and staggered toward the seating area of the reception room. “Lock that door and don’t let anyone in,” I ordered, and she jumped to turn the deadbolt and flip the sign.
“My God, you must have drunk the whole bottle yourself,” she observed.
“It was the second one that did me in,” I muttered and lay down on the leather sectional to keep from being dizzy.
“Want some aspirin?”
“Nope.”
“Want me to hold your hand and tell you a story?”
“Hell, no!” That would have undoubtedly been worse than the hangover.
“Anything?”
“Silence?”
“Gotcha. Okay, I’ll just sit here and prettily file my nails, although I will say that I believe I’m a bit overpaid to do nothing like this.”
“Then your salary has just been cut in half.”
“What? Dagger, you aren’t serious!”
“Keep talking and see how serious I can be.” The woman never shuts up.
I kept my eyes closed in the dimly-lit room, grateful that the sun couldn’t find me here. I was trying to compose my thoughts and remember what had happened the night before between Whitney and myself. I remembered the booze. Oh, God, but I remembered the booze. I also remembered her telling me about her sister and going to U of M. Then I was pretty sure I’d talked about Tim, but not so sure I’d mentioned Malchevsky. No, I would have considered that as breaking my vow, and that I wouldn’t do under any circumstances, even two magnums of champagne.