by Ashlee Price
Shaking off the melancholy mood that seemed to come with the last few weeks of pregnancy, I tried not to think about Greg. He came to mind more often than I was comfortable admitting, but I knew he was someone I could never forget. I was meant to be with him, and I would have thought about him for the rest of my days even if I wasn’t raising his child. Fran said I was just thinking crazy. I don’t know, maybe she was right, maybe it was all of the hormones.
Parking by the door at the front of the doctor’s office, I noticed a sports car that reminded me of Greg. Well, just about everything reminded me of Greg, but he really liked fast cars and had been photographed recently in one just like it. It didn’t occur to me that it would actually be his; that would be just too incredible. So when I walked into the office and found him talking to my doctor, it was rather surreal.
“Ah, there you are, Desiree. Your husband was just asking some questions and I didn’t think you would mind. I’m glad that he’s finally back from all of that travelling. I told you before that a father needs to be there for the birth, so I’m glad that you convinced him to come back in time.”
I have to admit that I’d lied to the elderly doctor when he asked if I was married to the man whose child I was carrying. At least Greg didn’t look too mad about it. It was almost like he was amused. My husband?
“Yes, I’m glad to see that he was able to get back as well.”
I didn’t know what else to do but go along with it. Dr. Rosa didn’t seem to notice the tension that now filled the room. Was he just clueless, or was I the only one feeling hot all of a sudden? I wanted nothing more than to ask Greg what in God’s name he was doing there, but Dr. Rosa was already urging us back to one of the examination rooms. The waiting room was a thing of the past, and now Greg was going to be the one asking questions as we looked at our baby on the ultrasound.
My mind went to Tommy while we walked down the short corridor. I knew he was the reason that Greg had suddenly showed up, and I wanted to wring his neck. As we walked, Greg pulled my hand and then my arm to him. I wasn’t sure why he was doing it. Maybe he was trying to put on a show for the doctor, or maybe he actually wanted to, but it felt good to be back in his arms, even if it was under a false pretense.
When we got to the small examination room, I was hoping that Greg would stop the little game he was playing. “You can wait out front, sweetie. I’ll be back out in a few minutes.”
He just shook his head, his eyes determined and his jaw set, and I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t going to budge without making a big scene, and I was just not in the mood for that. I had never wanted to argue with him; that had been the whole point of avoiding him all these months. So I just went with it and ignored the look from Dr. Rosa.
The older man patted the bed and told me to get up there. I was nervous about everything already, and having Greg there was not calming me down. Just his presence had me tense.
It was only when I saw the look on his face when he heard the beat of the baby’s heart that I knew that everything that I had thought was wrong. While he’d said he didn’t want a baby, there was a new light in his eyes as he looked at me and then to the screen where the baby was.
“I can’t believe you’re pregnant.”
I knew what he meant, but the doctor was a little puzzled by the comment. Dr. Rosa had enough tact not to say too much, but he was obviously curious about the man who’d just popped up. I could tell that the doctor had questions of his own, and I was sure he would ask them next time he had me alone. I wasn’t looking forward to that conversation.
But I had to focus on the now and the look on Greg’s face. It just made me love him even more. I still didn’t know whether everything would be okay between us, but from the way he looked at the screen and then back at me, it was impossible not to feel a little hope for our future and our son’s future.
The doctor took a couple of pictures and gave them to Greg. I could see how moved he was, and just looking at him was bringing tears to my eyes. Had I really messed up by not telling him what was going on? I was starting to feel like a horrible person who had jumped to conclusions too quickly. Maybe he had just made the comment about not wanting babies off-handedly. It wasn’t like he’d known what was going on.
It wasn’t too long before the doctor was done and I was wiping the clear gel off of my stomach. It felt strange to be so exposed in front of Greg, but he was still looking at the sonogram pictures in his hand. He was transfixed. If I had wanted him any way, it was the way he was acting right then.
“Well, I think it’s safe to say that the baby will be here soon. I know that you don’t want to induce, so just listen to your body, Desiree, and when it’s time, I’ll be here to help you have your baby.”
I thanked him and watched him walk out of the small room. I was trying to get off of the bed and hating that I wasn’t as limber as I had once been. It was only when Greg offered me a hand that I realized just how much trouble I was having. I didn’t want him to see me like this, but at the same time, I really needed some help getting down.
When I fell into his arms, he held me for longer than he needed to and only let go when I pulled away slightly. There was no denying the way he looked at me, and there was no denying the way he made me feel with just one look.
“Why don’t we get out of here? I think we have a lot to talk about, Desiree.”
I nodded my head. What more could I say? His hands were still on me, and that was always one of my weaknesses. Greg had been one of my weaknesses since I had met him, and the last thing that I wanted to do was tell him no. That was why I had moved: so that I would never have to see him, because I knew that once he was in my eyes and I was in his arms, I would be lost forever. The thing that I had been so worried about him knowing, he now knew, so it didn’t seem to make much sense to worry any longer. It was finally time to put the truth out there and just see what happened.
Following him out to the car, I waited for him to unlock it and open the door for me. Again I was reminded how much of a gentleman he was, and strangely, that made me even more nervous. Greg was always more than I could handle, and with the powerful engine and the fine man next to me, I was feeling more like my old self. I had to look down to remember that everything was different than it had been before. He was no longer my boss and this was no longer just some fun fling that we were having.
Chapter 4 – Greg
“You know, when Tommy told me that you were pregnant, I didn’t believe it.”
“Yeah, I figured he was going to run to you and tell you.”
I was trying to keep my temper. I actually had believed Tommy when he said she was pregnant, but somehow it hadn’t felt real until now. To actually see her pregnant and to hear and see the baby was something I wasn’t prepared for. I wasn’t prepared for the way she made me feel or the way I felt as I thought of being a father. It was not something that I had yearned for, but now it was something that I couldn’t imagine living without.
“You should have told me. I shouldn’t have had to find out from my assistant, Desiree.”
I heard her sigh and I looked over. She looked upset, and I scolded myself silently. Trying to keep my tone softer, I asked her why she hadn’t told me. I wasn’t trying to upset her, but I needed to know.
“Because you said that you didn’t want a bunch of babies running around.”
“That was just a joke. I had just realized that we hadn’t used protection, and I wanted to know if you were on anything. You said that it was not a problem, Desiree, remember?”
“I was pregnant already. I had just found out, so it wasn’t like you could get me double pregnant. The damage was already done.”
The way she said it, with her eyes staring into nothing out the window, told me that she was not happy to be pregnant. I started to think about what it would be like for her. I didn’t like the idea of her going through it alone for all this time. She had been dealing with everything by herself. I took her hand
and laced it into my own. I wanted her to know that I was there for her. I hadn’t been before because I didn’t know, but now that I knew, I wasn’t going anywhere.
“You should have told me, Desiree. You shouldn’t have had to go through this alone. I would have been to all of your appointments, anything you needed.”
We didn’t have a destination in mind. I still didn’t know where she lived, and Desiree didn’t seem to care where we were going. When I looked down at the time, my mind went back to a place we had been before. I didn’t have any of the trappings that I had at our last picnic, but I wanted her to remember, and the sun was going to be down in a little while. It seemed like the place to go while she decided what she was going to do. I knew what my plans were. If I had it my way, I would just take her home and be done with it, but I knew that I couldn’t do that with Desiree. With Desiree I was going to have to be careful what I did next.
“I just didn’t think you would care or even want to know. If you would have gotten mad and been mean about it, I don’t think I would have been able to take that. If you would have asked me to get rid of the baby… I don’t know, Greg. I just couldn’t take that chance. I would rather have remembered our few moments together, than that.”
I looked over at her, her hair down and covering the side of her face and her eyes. I wanted her to look at me, to see in my eyes that I was in love with her, but it wasn’t happening right then. My foot went down on the gas and I saw her hand reach up to grab the dashboard before I slowed back down and turned down the dirt road, where the bumps made me slow down even further.
“I don’t know why you think that of me, Desiree. I would never do that to you. I would have never asked you to kill our baby. You should have told me.”
I was stuck on it. I know I was. I was too hurt to forget that she had just taken off, and I couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal because she hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. How could she think such things of me?
“Why are we going here?”
I shrugged and parked almost in the same place I had so many months before when we’d gone on our first date and I had had my first taste of true desire. Then I had made the mistake of prioritizing my business over her, leaving her stewing the whole time. Our meeting months later was dynamite, but then she had left. At the time I had thought it was because of what I had done, but now I realized that it was way more complicated than that. I’d done a bad job of showing her who I truly was, and it was wrong of me to think that she would see me how I wanted to be seen. The reality of it was that I hadn’t showed her what I truly felt.
“I thought it would be a good place to go. I don’t have a picnic, but the sun is starting to set, and I remember how much you liked it last time.”
“Well, just don’t think that it is going to end like it did last time, Greg.”
I nodded my head and told her I wouldn’t dream of it. I was trying to ignore the way her chest had grown since I had seen her last, and the glow that seemed to emanate from her skin now. She was a beautiful woman, and the fact that she was carrying our child made me love her even more.
Going around the car, I opened the door and helped her out of the low seat. I cursed myself for not thinking about this when I decided to take this car. I was so worried about impressing her that I hadn’t thought about what vehicle would be most comfortable for someone in her condition. Should I get a minivan now?
I tried to calm myself down, but this was not going how I’d thought it would go. I’d honestly expected that she would be in my arms by now. She would have seen the error of her ways and be begging me for forgiveness. I was not getting any of those feelings from her, and I wasn’t sure why. What had I done that was so bad that she would not tell me?
The thoughts were driving me crazy, and trying to quiet my mind didn’t help. I just had to know, or I was sure that I was going to lose it.
I helped her down and we sat in the grass in the same spot as before. She was beautiful, and I liked the way the wind was pushing her blonde hair back from her face. All I could think about was what our baby was going to look like. As much as I wanted him to look like me, there was a part of me that wanted him to have her light-colored hair and eyes. I could go on with life knowing that I would always have a part of Desiree. For someone that I would undoubtedly remember for my whole life, that didn’t seem like too bad of a deal.
“Why did you leave me, Desiree?”
“Because you didn’t want the baby and I didn’t want to see your reaction.”
“I didn’t think there was actually a chance you were pregnant. I didn’t know what I was saying. You should have given me another chance.”
“Why? You were gone for months after we were here last time. You just disappeared. I figured that it wouldn’t matter to you much either way.”
I couldn’t believe that she thought that. Had I really been that remiss in showing her how I felt? I had thought it was obvious in my kiss, in the way I made love to her. I knew that I was bad at words, but I had hoped that she would feel the love I had for her in the way that I held her.
“How could you not think you matter to me, Desiree? You are all I have thought about since I met you. Don’t you know how long I have been looking for you?”
I stopped, realizing that I was losing myself a little. I didn’t like the sound of my voice, and I didn’t like the way the desperation that I was feeling injected itself into the conversation. I just wanted her. Why couldn’t she see that?
Desiree wouldn’t look at me. Her eyes were on the painting-worthy sunset in front of us. I knew that she didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to either, so I pulled her back against me slowly and reveled in the feel of her against my chest. It had been too long, and as a man who had convinced himself that all he needed was to get her by his side, I was content once more. As long as she was with me, I was sure that everything would work out.
It had started to get late before we spoke another word. She told me that she needed to get home, and I waited for the address. If she still didn’t want me to know where she lived, she wouldn’t tell me, and then I would know that she was not ready to forgive me yet. What I had done, I was not sure of, but I was more worried about what was going to happen next.
“Would you like me to take you home?”
She still hadn’t said where she lived or anything else. Desiree seemed to be making a decision in her mind, and I hoped that it was going to be for us.
“I live down near where Tommy found me, in one of the townhouses. They aren’t that great, but it was all I could find on such short notice.”
I ground my teeth a little. I hated to think of her leaving like she had, but I knew that was a conversation for another time. She was pregnant, emotional and I was not stupid enough to rock the boat that I had just found and gotten back on. If she wanted to take it slow, I was willing. As long as she let me be part of her life and our son’s life, that was all that mattered.
Chapter 5 – Desiree
I was afraid he was just talking, that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. It was what I wanted, for him to love me and care for me, but it was hard to reconcile that with what I had been thinking for so long. How was I supposed to believe that he really felt that way? That he really loved me? I wasn’t sure, and the longer the silence hung between us in the car, the more I knew that I needed to find out.
“How did you look for me?”
“Well, I went to your house and then tried to track down your friend. I called the emergency numbers in your file from when you were an intern. I hired someone to look for you while I was working, but no one found anything. You weren’t registered anywhere. It was like you just vanished.”
It sounded like he had devoted a lot of resources to finding me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I liked the idea that he had tried so hard, but I had made sure that I wouldn’t be found. I had done everything with cash; even my job had been paid under the table. I don’t know what I had really
been hiding from, other than all of the feelings that he brought out in me. It was hard to think about it, but now that he was there, I knew that I had to figure it all out. I didn’t have a choice anymore. There was nowhere left to run.
“Sounds like that took a lot of money and time. We only saw each other a couple of times, Greg. It’s not like we were dating or anything.”
He pulled up in front of my apartment. I knew that I should just go in. I should just leave and hope that he didn’t follow. But the idea of him not following made me ask him to stay and have a drink.
“Well, you know, you can drink. I’ll have tea.”
“Of course, Desiree.”
I liked the way he said my name, and even though I was ready to pop, I liked the way he was looking at me. I could feel heat rising up inside of me. When his eyes devoured me like that, it was hard to think, especially with the memories of our past coming up and overwhelming all of my senses.
Fran was at work, and that left us alone. I worried about what was going to happen next. What was going to happen when all I could think about was his hands on me? I knew that I was different, though. I didn’t look the same, but that didn’t stop my body from readying itself like it always had. All I could think about was him inside of me. I blushed at the idea, hoping he wouldn’t see through me.
Going to the cupboard, I got out the whiskey that he’d drank before and offered him a half-filled glass. I can’t describe how badly I wanted to take a slug of it, but I knew that I couldn’t. I wished for the settling of nerves that came with a sip, but instead poured myself a glass of sweet tea. I was just going to have to pretend for a little while longer.
“So how have you been, Greg?” I was trying more than anything to get the topic back to something that wasn’t going to change my life forever.