Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  Noel blinked to spare him some time to come up with a response. Clara watched him as Noel looked at the tulip.

  When will we find our ending together? Is there one?

  “The week’s not over!” He raised his voice slightly higher than he should have.

  Clara’s head quickly turned as she looked over at the bed. Noel peered past her to see Liam move slightly before his body relaxed.

  Clara let out a sigh. “I don’t want to wake him. Maybe we should talk… later? He might hear or see us.”

  Knowing that his time with her was ending before it would begin, Noel took a step forward, unlinked Clara’s arms and took her left hand in his.

  “I don’t really care,” he confessed.

  Clara’s eyes met their linked hands before she whispered his name, “Noel.”

  He stepped closer to her as Clara lifted her head upwards to meet his eyes. He discovered a hint of hope shimmering through and he believed they were possible. But Noel knew what he had to do; he couldn’t rush her. Not this time.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  Instead of Clara rejecting his love, she smiled lightly.

  “Just give me today’s sunrise, please.” No words were said as he held Clara’s hand just that little bit tighter. He needed that reassurance of her touch as he pulled her in the direction of the stairs.

  Clara stopped after a few steps and looked at him. She let go of his hand and he instantly felt the yearning for her touch again. Clara’s thumb ran across her engagement ring and Noel knew she was walking away. She let out a heavy sigh as she turned around without another word. The twisting pain in his heart had the strength to bring him to his knees. Memories of the first time he watched her walk away mirrored this exact moment for him.

  He counted the three steps she took until she reached the bedroom door. Three steps that ensured him that he finally lost her. Noel didn’t blink. He forced his eyes to witness this moment. She reached for the door handle and it would be the story of them closing. Noel’s eyes fell to the floor.

  I deserve this. I never deserved her love in the first place.

  The sound of the bedroom door closing had him lifting his head. His heart relaxed in relief when his eyes found her standing there, holding the door handle for a moment, before turning around. The soft and beautiful smile was the only incentive he needed to walk towards her and take her hand. The feeling of home overtook his entire system and for the first time in a long time he felt whole.

  Noel didn’t waste any time as he led Clara down the stairs, through the double doors and to their step. He never let go of her hand as they sat down to the sight of the rising sun. Their arms touching as Clara placed her right hand over their entwined hands. He moved his head to the right as Clara’s head rested on his arm. Everything he ever wished for was currently his reality. He finally had Clara, not in the way he would have liked but it would be as close as he would get.

  The smell of her floral perfume was one he craved for and in this moment he let himself get delirious. Noel looked down at the purple tulip he still held and twirled it in his fingers.

  “You can’t leave me, Clara,” he softly said after silence was shared between them.

  Clara tensed. She let out a heavy sigh before she untangled her hands from his and faced him.

  Sadness consumed not only her eyes but also every aspect of her beautiful face. Her lips formed a frown and her forehead slightly creased. Noel turned his body to mirror the way Clara sat.

  “I have to go home sometime, Noel. I don’t belong here in the States. My life is back in Melbourne, you know that.” Clara tucked her loose curl behind her ear before her fingers fiddled with each other in her lap.

  He reached out and placed his right hand on Clara’s left cheek. He held the tulip in front of her. She looked at it with a pained expression before she accepted and held it. Noel’s left hand held Clara’s right. It was too early for anyone to catch them and honestly, he didn’t care if anyone did.

  “Do you believe me?” he asked.

  Clara’s eyes widened at the surprise of his question. Those brown eyes searched his for the truth of his love. Her lips parted slightly as she nodded.

  “I do but you were really convincing back in Boston, how could I not believe you then?” The guilt hit him like a piano falling on top of him. Swift and unexpected. His hands left the touch of Clara's and he placed them flat on the wooden step.

  “Clara, I could only ever love you. I was willing to lose everything with Alex to be with you. I’m sorry I turned you away. I thought it was better for us that way. I couldn’t go through all that pain of losing you again. It scared me to hell. But I will go through it all again if it means I have a slim chance of being yours. I just need a chance, Clara. Just one. I know I don’t deserve it when you have someone like Liam. But it’s us, Clara. It’s you and me. It’s always been you and me.”

  He never noticed his tears until Clara brushed one away. The touch of her fingertips sent his heart soaring. He’d only ever love her, it was that clear. He only ever wanted to be worthy of her. Before she could move her hand away from his cheek, his hand covered hers to stop her. For a second his thumb brushed the back of her hand. If there were any time to kiss her, it would be this moment. His eyes met Clara’s for a long second before he looked down at her pink lips.

  The idea of Liam proposing first stopped him. She was engaged. They’d have a moment in time, but right now wasn’t it. Noel removed his hand from hers and she leaned back, creating a small distance between them. Clara cleared her throat as she placed the purple on the wooden step below them.

  “Do you remember when I was four? I fell in your garden and scraped my knee. That was the day you gave me a purple tulip, remember?”

  The corners of his mouth rose and he smiled at her. A memory and a point in their lives that they shared together, an innocent moment that led them to being something more at one stage. That purple tulip started their story.

  I unknowingly loved her as a child and I’ve loved her every day since our paths crossed once again.

  Clara ran her fingers through her hair as a sad smile developed on her face. “That day I fell, you told me scrapes like the one on my knee would heal with time. You said the pain would go away and it would be all right in time.”

  The break in her voice caused an immediate and violent squeeze of his heart. She paused for a moment and took his hands in hers before she looked into his eyes.

  “Please don’t hate me, Noel. But unlike when I was four, these scrapes aren’t just breaks in my skin. They’re deep and open. I’ve had time, and the pain hasn’t gone away. You broke my heart, Nolan. Shattered it, completely. I thought Liam could fix me but he just masks away the real pain. The pain I feel isn’t small breaks in the skin, it’s much worse. I need time, more time than it takes to heal a scraped knee. I need you to give me enough to heal and enough to figure this all out. I need this distance from you. That’s all I ask, time and distance. Just please don’t hate me.”

  The begging in Clara’s voice had him quickly brushing away her tears. What she said was heartfelt and honest. He quickly wrapped his arms around her and held her close. His face in her hair and the smell of coconut filled his senses. He loved her enough to give her this.

  “I could never hate you, Clara. God, I love you, I can only ever love you,” he whispered in her ear. He held her tightly, afraid to let her go. She stayed in his arms for a long while, his heart yearning for more. “Two weeks, Clara. I’m giving you two weeks and then I’m coming after you, you hear me? Two weeks,” he announced softly in Clara’s ear.

  She nodded into his shoulder. He hoped that would be enough time for her to find her way back to him. Clara hadn’t clarified whether she still loved him, but he had hopes that she still did.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  He held the love of his life in a moment where time and place didn’t matter. She offered him a chance. He would have waited forev
er for this chance. When Clara moved out of their embrace he saw the relief in her golden-brown eyes. The relief masked what he hoped was the look of her love for him. He would have to be patient. This was about her needs not his own.

  She’ll be leaving soon. I’ll be here and she’ll be on the other side of the world.

  “Clara,” he softly said. His eyes never leaving hers, he had and always would see forever in her beautiful eyes.

  “Yes.”

  Noel reached forward and tucked back the loose curl behind her ear. “I can’t watch you walk away. I’d only stop you and you want time. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. I don’t want you to leave.”

  Clara’s eyes watered as she scooted forward and placed her hand on his left cheek.

  Her soft thumb ran along his cheeks as she looked into his eyes and whispered, “Close your eyes, Nolan Parker.”

  He searched Clara’s eyes to read the emotions, but his mind went blank the moment she placed her other hand on his right cheek.

  “Close your eyes and count down from ten,” she instructed.

  His eyes fluttered close.

  “Ten… nine…eight…” he slowly breathed the numbers out.

  Clara’s thumbs continued to softly and slowly drag themselves across his cheeks. Noel raised his hands and held onto her wrists.

  “Seven…six… five…” Clara’s fingers stopped their slow movements.

  “Four…” he paused his count, his heart beating too fast and too loud.

  “Three…” Clara whispered as she continued the count for him.

  “Two…” he breathed. Knowing that once he said 'one' their time together would be over for now.

  “One…” Clara said.

  His heart stopped at that one number. Noel was about to open his eyes and protest when he felt her hot breath on his lips. His heart burned before it stopped again. He kept his eyes closed as he felt Clara’s soft lips graze on his. One sweet moment of their lips touching had his breath catching. The short touch of her lips reminding him how much he loved her.

  “I believe you,” she whispered.

  The moment she spoke those words, Noel felt her hands move from his face. He kept his eyes closed as he took in the feel of Clara’s soft lips and the sheer pleasure it brought him. He heard the sound of footsteps, and then the door opening and closing.

  He slowly opened his eyes to see Clara gone. Noel turned to the right to see her approaching the stairs, through the glass panels. He ran his hand through his short hair and exhaled. She kissed him and even if it was for a short second, it was still the most amazing moment of his life. Noel looked down at the bottom step to see the purple tulip was gone.

  I shouldn’t have done that.

  The same thought continued to run through her mind. A need in her controlled her actions. The temptation to kiss Noel had been strong and evident since the first sunrise. The slight touch of his lips and she almost broke down and deepened the kiss. It was a test to see what his could do to her. The slight contact of his mouth brought with it every blissful memory. That kiss only strengthened the thought she tried to suppress.

  I’m still in love with Nolan Parker.

  It was wrong to have her lips touch his but the rightness of it made the guilt in her grow. Nolan Parker was a danger to her engagement. In a strange way she liked the danger, but then again it frightened her. Liam deserved her heart completely and that’s what she wanted. She wanted someone that could love him without any faults. And for almost ten months, Clara believed she was that someone.

  I was that someone until he proposed.

  Clara looked down at her engagement ring and felt the heaviness of it. The day Liam proposed awakened the suppressed emotions. It awakened her second-guessing and the reality of her true emotions. And the touch of Noel’s lips felt like home. There was no doubt she loved Liam. Before Noel walked back into her life, Liam was what she wanted. Clara groaned as she fell back on the bed. The sound of the shower running didn’t ease her thoughts.

  After walking away from Noel, Clara returned to find Liam still asleep in their bed. She placed the purple tulip on the bedside table and lay next to her fiancé. She had to remember that as long as his engagement ring sat on Clara’s finger, she was still Liam’s. She watched as he woke up to the brushes of her fingertips across the side of his face. Liam’s unconditional love for her was evident in his just-woken eyes. She’d be happy to marry him, but Clara knew he deserved more. She had two weeks to make a decision that impacted everyone’s lives.

  Clara’s wet hair soaked the sheets beneath her, but she didn’t care. As she looked up at the ceiling she couldn’t help but wonder when she’d have a happily-ever-after. She wasn’t even sure if she even deserved one, but she held hope. Clara heard the sound of the shower shutting off but she didn’t move. Two weeks from today she’d have to make the ultimate choice.

  Noel or Liam? Forever or always? For now or for eternity? I have to choose one rather than the other.

  The sound of the bathroom door opening had Clara on her elbows. Liam ran a white cotton towel through his wet hair and Clara let out an anguished sigh. The devilish smirk on his face had her biting her bottom lip. He dropped the towel he held on the floor and walked around the bed. Her eyes travelled down his naked defined body until she took sight of the towel wrapped around his waist. She mentally groaned at the thought of betraying the perfection that stood in front of her.

  The thought vanishing the moment Liam’s hands cupped her face and his soft and warm lips pressed against hers. The movement of his lips had Clara sighing and bringing him down on top of her. The deeper the kiss, the more urgency for her to forget occurred. Clara wasn’t sure what exactly she needed to forget, but the thought was there. Her hands gripped Liam’s hair, afraid he would leave her and witness the monster she really was.

  “I haven’t packed yet,” he whispered against her lips.

  Liam’s hot breath on her was enough to make her sigh. Clara rolled them over until Liam was on his back and she was on top.

  She panted heavily as she hovered over Liam's lips. Those hazel eyes were soft and full of love. One day Liam would see just how undeserving she was of him. In time he’d realise and leave her. It was a fear she had. She needed him as her sense of direction. In the months since Noel broke her heart, he had been the one to try to mend the broken pieces.

  Her hands moved from his hard chest to his face. Clara ran her fingers along the side of his face. Liam’s hand stopped the movement of Clara’s left hand. He brought the engagement ring to his lips and kissed the large diamond. Like a Super 8 camera projecting the last ten months they spent together, Clara watched the moments she spent with him flash before her. The last memory was on that winter day back in July. Liam on one knee as the sun set to her left, the same diamond ring sparkled before her.

  Clara leant forward, her lips close to contact with Liam’s when the door burst open.

  “Clara, I—Jesus!” Julian shouted.

  She and Liam stilled at their intruder’s voice.

  “Oh my God, Julian! Get out!” she yelled.

  Liam cheeks turned pink. He gave her a grin before he wrapped his arms around her back and sat them up. Clara quickly turned to see Julian’s hands over his eyes.

  “Clara, you’re practically my little sister, I really don’t need to see you straddling your fiancé like that!”

  “Who barges into someone else’s room? God, Julian. People with common sense knock on doors.” Clara shook her head. She placed a quick kiss on Liam’s lips before hopping off him and the bed, and smoothed out her light blue baby doll dress.

  “Well, I didn’t think, okay! Do you want me to come back? When you two are, uh… done?”

  “You ruin romance, Moors,” Clara said. “You can move your hands now.”

  Julian dropped his hands and rolled his eyes at her. “Please, you kids know nothing about romance.”

  “If you say so. Care to explain this visit of yours?”r />
  “Heard you’re leaving today. We’ve barely had any time together. Reckon I can steal you away from your morning sex and be a bit of a cock block. I suggest a walk, what do you say? If that’s okay with Liam.”

  Clara turned and raised her eyebrow at Liam.

  Liam chuckled. “I still have to pack and get dressed before we take the hire car back to the airport. Spend some time with Julian before we leave, Clara.”

  She turned back at Julian and smiled. “I’m all yours, Julian Moors.”

  He smirked. “Ah, yes, as it should be, Clara Lawrence.”

  ⌘

  They walked the lonely and quiet streets until they reached the village. The beautiful and ornate clock stood in the middle of the round about, a park a short distance away and empty car spaces in front of the closed stores. She would be happy to live in Scarsdale. It would mean a beautiful suburbia life and being in the same country as her brother.

  The sun started to warm her skin. They never spoke as they made the short walk from her brother’s house to the bench in the park. Clara sat down to see it shaded by tall slim trees with branches that contained dry leaves. She closed her eyes and for a moment, peace settled within her. When this was over, she hoped both Liam and Noel ended up happy. Her own happiness didn’t matter.

  “Noel told me what happened this morning,” Julian said softly.

  Clara opened her eyes at the sound of his name. She leant forward and placed her palms on her knees and stared at the empty road. She let out a sigh. If there was a way to quicken the pain to overcome it, she would.

  “I’m glad he’s given you some time to think about your choice. Just before, the way you looked at Liam, Clara, I don’t doubt your love for him. But I don’t envy the position you’re in. It must be tough to choose one love out of two. Before my mother died she went through something similar with my father. She prayed to God for answers but he never listened. Maybe he just wanted her to listen to her own thoughts and her own heart. In time she found one quote that made her realise her choice.”