Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  His heart was breaking at the thought that she’d still marry Liam. Noel got up off the bed and stepped in front of Clara. He placed his hands on hips and brought her close to his body.

  “But you haven’t chosen him yet?”

  If she hasn’t then I have a chance.

  “No. This is all a hypothetical scenario. Just promise me you’ll be there when I get married and that you’ll save me a dance?” she asked hopefully.

  Noel closed his eyes tightly for a moment before he opened them. “I don’t want to promise you that. I don’t think I could watch you get married.”

  Clara stepped backwards away from his touch. “Oh,” was all she said.

  They both fell silent. He noticed Clara fiddling with her engagement ring.

  “I’m sorry that was unfair of me to ask. Never mind.” She gave him an unnatural smile that he knew was fake.

  He sighed out. He hated making her unhappy. “Okay. I’ll be at your wedding. I want to be in your life, but if you choose Liam, that’ll be my closure. Then I know it’s over for us, for good. One last dance and we move on with our lives.”

  “Thank you,” Clara said.

  The concept of our ending will kill me, but if it makes her happy, I should do it. If her head and her heart was choosing Liam then I have to let go.

  “I’ll drop you off at the hospital before I drive down to New York to meet with Mercer and deal with Alex’s clients. You’ll be okay at the hospital on your own until tonight? Morgan will look out for you,” Noel said as he walked past Clara and stood at the door.

  She turned and stared at him, her curls moved over to one shoulder. “I’ll be fine. Just be careful driving, okay? I don’t think I could take it if anything happened to you too.”

  He tried to build a wall around his heart to stop her words but it was no use. He hated that she gave him hope with such simple words. “See, you can’t say shit like that. You’re not making this easy for me. I don’t deserve what you’re doing to me. I don’t want you to act like you care about me and then you marry him. Don’t give me false hope, Clara. It’s not fair.”

  Clara blinked quickly. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  They stood there in silence until he hated the way she looked at him. “I wish you told me how you felt about Valerie. I wish you hadn’t run. We could have been happy together for months, Clara.” He didn’t wait for a response instead he turned the door handle and held the door open for her.

  ⌘

  Listening to the sound of smooth jazz playing through the elevator speakers eased Noel’s nerves. His meeting with Mercer went as well it could, considering the circumstances. He and Alex made a pact when they first started at G&MC, that if anything happened with either one of their jobs then the other would help out. The first time they went through with the pact was with the Owens account and Noel went to Melbourne. This time, Alex was in a coma and Noel was calming down the worried client. He discovered Alex was working on a multi-million dollar account with an advertising company on the West Coast. If the account went through, Alex could become one of the senior accountants of the New York office.

  The hour and a half drive back to New Haven had his nerves rising. The tension hit every muscle in his body. He wanted to see Clara. Every moment he was away he couldn’t help but think of a way back to her. His idiotic mistake with Valerie wasn’t over for her and if there was a way back, he’d find it. He stupidly agreed to watch her marry Liam, but that wouldn’t be happening. Being in Alex’s office and realising what Alex was doing the night of the accident made Noel realise he wasn’t going to show a white flag. He had to win Clara back.

  The moment the doors opened he quickly walked to Alex’s room. His mind had a somewhat speech planned. He knew he wouldn’t compose himself, he was sure there would be some begging. All his built up anger and hurt fled him as soon as his eyes spotted Clara. Her legs were tucked up on the seat as she slept. It was almost six p.m. and he knew how exhausted she was.

  Clara rested her chin on her hand as she slept. He knew she wouldn’t be comfortable, but he’d let her sleep. Noel walked up to the bed and took the blanket that was placed at the end of the mattress. He walked over to Clara and kissed her head before placing the blanket over her lap.

  “I saw that.”

  First his heart stopped and then the rest of his body. He turned around and was in disbelief.

  “A-A…” he uttered out and took a step towards the bed.

  “Keep your voice down. Clara’s asleep,” Alex said as he sat up on the bed.

  I owe you one, Big Man. Thanks for making sure Alex is okay.

  “How long have you been awake?” Noel asked.

  “’Bout an hour or so. Woke up to a nurse changing my drip. She had a doctor come in and I told them if they woke up my sister they’d be in a hospital bed. They told me about the accident. I’m just glad Keira’s okay. I’ve been waiting for you, where’ve you been?” Alex asked as he fiddled with the drip needle.

  “New York. Spoke to Mercer and your clients,” Noel replied as he shrugged out of his suit jacket and placed it on the bed.

  Alex looked up and his brows furrowed. “Should have just concentrated on your own job, Nolan. They would have had to deal with it, but thanks, man. How is she?” Alex asked nodding over to Clara.

  “You scared the hell out of both of us. You're quite the selfish fucker. Don't do that again. We thought we were going to lose you. She’s been okay, but it hasn’t been easy, especially with your folks.”

  Alex’s Jaw clenched and Noel heard the sounds of the heart monitor rise.

  “My parents were here? What happened?”

  “Wasn’t pretty, but she handled herself well. I was actually proud.” Noel looked back at Clara. The way she slept was truly beautiful.

  “How are you both?” Alex asked cautiously.

  “Are you sure you should be asking so many questions? You were in a coma, Alex.”

  “I’m fine. I’ve just got some cuts and bruises, some cracked ribs and sore legs. You know Keira and I were coming down to convince you to go back to Melbourne, right?”

  Noel nodded. “She left me because I slept with Valerie and she held it against me. She used it as scapegoat, to prevent you and I from hating each other, I suppose.”

  Alex leaned forward and looked at Clara. “She did it all to make you happy, Noel. You still with Andrea?”

  He shook his head. “She broke up with me a few days ago. She realised I was in love with Clara.” Noel looked at his best friend. Besides the bandage around his head and some cuts, Alex looked okay.

  “Is she still marrying Liam? Tell me you won her back?”

  Noel placed his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve told her how much I love her, but I don’t think it’s enough. She asked me to be there when and if she marries Liam.”

  A familiar voice had her slowly opening her eyes. Two sets of voice, two that she painfully loved. Clara sat properly and rubbed her eyes. She spent the entire day at the hospital while Noel was in New York dealing with Alex’s work.

  “Noel,” she said as she stretched. She wasn’t sure how long he’d been back but she spent her day thinking about him and them.

  Noel turned around and smiled at her.

  “Listen¸ about this morning—”

  He took a step to her right. The sight instantly had her heart rejoicing and her tears brimming her eyes. Before she could even consider the fact that he was hurt, she lunged at him and wrapped her arms around him.

  “You’re awake!” she sobbed and held him tighter. “You’re awake, Alex!”

  He winced under her, but she didn’t care. He was conscious and he was alive. Alex wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back. “I’m sorry I scared you, kiddo. I’m here now.”

  “I thought I lost you,” she cried into her brother’s chest.

  Alex pulled her on to the bed and he held her, their reunion mending her broken heart slightly.
/>   “Noel, you mind giving me and Clara some time together?” Alex asked.

  She pulled away and looked at Noel.

  “Of course.” Noel nodded and walked out of the room.

  Clara wiped her tears and from the window, she watched Noel stand in the hall. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She would have to go back to Melbourne soon. Her heart felt heavy and she felt a new form of tears fall.

  Alex took Clara’s hands and she faced her brother. Relief that he was staying in her life flooded every inch of her heart. She smiled at his touch. This wasn’t a dream, he was right here with her.

  “You told him the reason why you ended it.”

  Clara nodded and then bit down on her bottom lip as the uncomfortable heat spread through her chest.

  “Keira and I were going to Boston to get Noel to come to Melbourne. I know you love Liam, but being with him was making you unhappy, Clara. You keep denying yourself happiness with Noel, why?”

  She crossed her legs, as she got comfortable on her brother’s hospital bed. Letting out a huff, she asked, “You think I’m that unhappy with Liam?”

  Alex squeezed her hand and nodded. “I do, kiddo. I know you want to make Liam happy since he was there for you after you and Noel ended. But you got to let him go. For once you’ve got to put your happiness first. Don’t become like Dad, in it to make Mum happy.”

  Alex’s words left her breathless. She turned and looked at Noel. He was leaning on the hallway wall, staring at his feet. The sad look on his face broke her heart, like he knew their goodbye was fast approaching.

  “Clara, I don’t really want to go back to Melbourne to watch you marry the wrong man. I’ll support you, of course. But I think this time you need to be selfish.”

  Noel looked up and their eyes met. The hurt in them pained her. She gave him a sad smile and thought about all the times his eyes radiated with the happiness she loved.

  I fell in love with him the moment he let me in.

  “What feels right to you?” Alex asked.

  She turned and faced her brother. The bandage wrapped around his head had her remembering to take life for all it has. She almost lost her brother for good, she wasn’t sure she could handle losing Noel.

  “Noel feels right. Noel’s my heart’s choice. I want to choose him.” Clara smiled. The revelation giving her the freedom she had desired.

  I want a life with Noel.

  The thought eased her heart. Taking a deep breath, Clara turned to see Noel’s hands in his pockets, the nervousness clear in his eyes. Clara got off Alex’s bed and fiddled with her engagement ring.

  “I love Noel. I think I’ve loved him my whole life.”

  The joy in Alex’s eyes made her heart relax with its choice.

  “And Liam?” Alex asked.

  “I felt like I was taking his happily ever after away from him. I need to figure it all out first before I tell either one of them of my choice. I need to wake up tomorrow and still feel this way before I tell Noel. Hang on, I’ll be back in a second.”

  Clara didn’t wait for her brother to reply. She turned and walked over to the door, opening it, She stepped into the hallway and Noel met her half way.

  “I have to go back to Melbourne.”

  “Already?” he asked, disheartened.

  Clara took his hand and entwined her fingers with his, and softly said, “Yeah.”

  ⌘

  A few days after Alex woke up from his coma, Clara found herself sitting in Noel’s Camaro, heading down Interstate 91 towards Bradley International airport. Her phone call to Liam didn’t make her decision any easier. It only made it tougher. She knew she wanted Noel, but until she faced Liam she wouldn’t know the true meaning of her feelings.

  Peeking at Noel every chance she could, made her stomach feel light. The last few days had been an emotional roller coaster. Seeing Alex so alive made her appreciate life. Seeing Keira and Alex together made her value their love. That unconditional love in Alex and Keira’s eyes was what Clara wanted. She knew Liam had that look in his eye, but she knew she didn’t. It made her feel guilty that she couldn’t love Liam like she loved Noel but she loved him nonetheless.

  I want someone to love Liam like he loves me.

  Goodbye seemed final once Noel put the car in park in short-term parking. They hardly said anything since they left the hotel. Goodbye was the word she didn’t want to say, but for now it had to be said between them, just until she knew that her heart’s choice wouldn’t come with severe consequences.

  “I’ll get your bag,” Noel said as he looked out the windshield and at the parked cars in front of them.

  Clara heard the sound of the driver’s side door open and her heart sank. She worried that it could be goodbye for them.

  Looking down at her engagement ring on her finger, Clara felt the pang hit her hard. She wanted this ring. She wanted the concept of marriage and being someone’s wife. But the security of forever meant losing the love of her life. Her side door opened and Noel held it wide for her. Clara unbuckled her seat belt and placed her hand in his. The feeling of his touch always made her a little breathless. The moment she was out of his car, Noel let go of her hand. This disappointment left her feeling bitter.

  “Here.” He held out her small black suitcase.

  Clara managed a controlled smile before she took it in her hand. Noel never begged her to stay, never pleaded her but she knew he was giving her what she wanted, another one of her faults.

  “You’re going to miss your flight,” Noel said. His eyes wondered over to the international departure entry.

  “Right,” she replied. Instead of turning for the airport, Clara stood there, her feet not wanting to walk away this time.

  Please say something.

  After a few minutes she closed her eyes and accepted he wouldn’t. She turned and made her way to departure doors without another word to him.

  “Damn it!” Noel growled. “Clara!” he yelled out after her.

  She stopped and turned at the desperation in his voice. Noel stalked until he stood centimetres in front of her.

  His nostrils flared and she knew he was trying to control his upcoming actions.

  “I just need ten seconds of your time, Clara.”

  “Umm, okay?” she said, dropping her suitcase.

  “Ten seconds,” he stated.

  Clara nodded, unsure of what he meant.

  “I just need you for ten seconds,” he explained before he took her left hand in his.

  “Noel,” she breathed out.

  Noel’s fingers grazed over her ring finger and her eyes never left his. He looked up at her for a form of rejection but the fire in his eyes had her speechless.

  Noel’s jaw locked as he looked at her left hand. He breathed in sharply as she watched and felt him pull Liam’s ring off her finger. She felt free, the burden of the ring was off her shoulders and she looked up at Noel in bewilderment. Before she could say anything his hands were on her cheeks bringing his lips to hers.

  Finally.

  The first brush had her heart stopping. The second had her melting into him. She kissed him back. She poured every inch of love she held for him in that one flawless kiss. His arms dropped to her hips, bringing her close to him. Clara wrapped her arms around Noel’s neck, never wanting to let him go. Just one kiss that broke her heart at the mistakes she had made.

  Her head spun at the rightness of this moment. This moment was theirs. No one would tarnish this moment. She finally had Noel and her heart felt complete. Noel withdrew his mouth from hers. Her lips tingled from the passionate, yet heartbreaking, touch of their contact.

  “Ten seconds, huh?” Clara said tightening her arms around him.

  “It wasn’t enough back in New York. I needed you, the real you, for ten seconds,” Noel said. The way his green eyes shone with love had her heart warming.

  Clara gave him a slight smile.

  “I love you, Clara.”

  It’s time I said it
back.

  “Noel, I—”

  He stopped her with a shake of his head.

  “Not yet, Clara. I want to hear it, but not yet. I want to hear it the moment you’re no longer engaged. I want to know that those three words are honest and true. I want you to go back to Melbourne and make the right choice for you. I gave you two weeks and Alex’s accident has placed pressure on you. I want you to make a choice you won’t regret. I want you to love me because I’m the one you love and are willing to spend the rest of your life with, without a single ounce of regret. I need you to go back to Melbourne. I want you to decide if what you feel for me now is real or if it’s the result of Alex’s accident.”

  Tears instantly brimmed from his words. This man had been the boy she had unknowingly loved her whole life. He was giving her the chance to decide how real her love was.

  “Okay,” she agreed.

  Noel hugged her tightly. “I just hope you find a way back to me, Clara.”

  I’d find my way back to him.

  After a moment of embrace in the middle of the car park, Noel let Clara go. He held out her engagement ring and took her left hand. Breathing out, Noel took the ring and slid it down Clara’s finger. She kept her eyes on him as he did so, imagining the possibility of his ring on her.

  The torment that succumbed Noel’s eyes had her feeling discourage. She had hurt him so many times. Once she said Valerie’s name, she no longer held it against him. He was right, technically they weren’t together, but it still hurt her.

  “I love you, Clara,” Noel softly said.

  Letting his words sink deep within her heart, she smiled at him. Though she never said those three words back, she hoped the smile she gave him was enough.

  Clara bent her knees and picked up her suitcase. She looked at him. Remembering this moment, how his eyes filled with sadness and love, how the frown broke her heart and the hope that consumed his face had her heart clenching.

  She gripped the handle of her suitcase tighter and turned for the airport doors. Tears rolled down her face as she took step after step away from him. Once inside she turned around to see Noel wiping his face.