Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  He was just about to hang up when he heard her answer.

  “Nolan, please—” she began to softly say.

  “No, don’t 'Nolan' me. God, you can’t end us and marry him, Clara. You almost told me you loved me less than a week ago. What the hell?” He heard the desperation in his voice. It made him sound weak but he was where Clara was concerned.

  There was nothing but silence as he ruffled his hair. It was coming to an end and he didn’t want it to be over. This chapter in their complicated story couldn’t be their last.

  “Don’t you want a life with me?” he asked, dejected.

  She sniffed. “I’m tired, Noel.”

  He knew she meant that the time of their phone call was late for her. But it didn’t stop what he was about to say. It was the truth.

  “Then stop being what you think Liam needs. It’s not the real you and you know it. I get it, you want to be something worthy of him, but you’re perfect the way you are. I miss you, Clara. The real you! The one that I know is in there, the one that loved me, the Clara that wanted me and had me promise to love her forever. What happened to her?” he asked as his eyes looked at the stairwell door.

  “I-I,” she stammered out before she exhaled with a heavy sigh.

  “I shouldn’t have let you get on that damn plane! I should have worn you down and convinced you to stay with me. If I had just let you say those three words then I’d never have let you leave me again,” he confessed.

  “I regret not saying it to you back in Connecticut. In fact, you’re my favourite regret, Nolan Parker. That’s the only way I can simply put it. It’s three words that meant everything to me. But this time, I don’t think I can come back to you. I’m in too deep…” Clara’s voice trailed off.

  His heart ached for her. He knew how hard of a choice it was for.

  “Please don’t come after me. It’s time.”

  He heard her sob and his knees buckled. Noel sat on the concrete stairs, his back against the railing. His heart started to shut down at her words. They sat in silence as the minutes ticked by. She didn’t start the next sentence and neither did he.

  “I wish you a good and happy life, Clara,” he said once the silence started to eat him alive. He blinked to let the tears that brimmed his eyes fall freely.

  “Thank you for loving me the way you did. You gave me a love that no one else has.”

  He sensed her love in those words. His heart decided that in that moment it wasn’t enough for him. Getting up, he held the phone tighter to his ear, savouring her words.

  “I chose to love you because my heart wasn’t giving me any other option,” Noel admitted before he hung up.

  He wasn’t going to give her a chance to have the last word. Placing his phone in his jacket pocket, Noel opened the stairwell door and walked back into the office space. He had no intention of going back into that meeting instead he made his way to his office.

  Metres from his office door he heard his name being called. Turning around he watched Andrea ran up to him.

  “I’ll make sure you have a job to come back to. I’m pretty sure no one here would like to see you go. Gregson needs you and he wouldn’t fire you. Go get her.” Andrea smiled.

  “I will,” he promised himself more than he was promising Andrea.

  I have to get my passport and get on the next plane to Melbourne.

  ⌘

  The elevator opened to his floor and he had his game plan cemented and memorised. He reached up to his grey tie and loosened the noose he felt around his neck. Gregson wasn’t happy and Noel walked out of the office with unpaid leave—not that he cared.

  He looked up from the view of his shoes and noticed someone leaning on the wall next to his door. Squinting, all breath left him. He willed his legs to continue the steps needed to get to his apartment door. Their eyes met and he was confused by the happiness he saw.

  “Hey, Noel.”

  He blinked several times to make sure he was not hallucinating.

  “Liam,” he said, noticing the surprise in his own voice.

  Liam pushed off the wall and held his hand out in front of Noel. Confused for a second, he composed himself enough to shake hands.

  “Is… she with you? Is she okay?” Noel asked with much concern.

  A sad smile developed on Liam’s face. “You love my fiancée that much. But no, she’s not here, and no, she’s not okay.” Liam's entire body looked to lose its strength before Noel’s very eyes.

  “You know about what happened between Clara and I?” Noel gripped his briefcase tighter.

  Liam let out a small laugh and nodded. “I’ve known about you two for a long time. When you were back in Melbourne, you and Clara were on the balcony, and I saw. What are you doing to her?”

  Liam knows.

  Breathing out, Noel was expecting a punch in the face. “What do you mean?”

  Liam ran a hand through his ashy blonde hair and shook his head. “You should be with her by now. I thought this time when she came back she’d end it but nope! She’s still with me. She’s still my fiancée. Why didn’t you convince her to stay?”

  What?

  “I don’t—” Noel couldn’t comprehend Liam’s presence or what he was saying. “What are you doing in Boston?”

  “My bachelor party’s in Vegas and I made a stop to see you,” Liam admitted.

  “Why?” Noel asked unbelievably. Liam should be angry with him for trying to take away his girl, but yet he stood in front of Noel calmly.

  “I need to give Clara the choice. If she chooses me then I know it’s me she wants a future with. That I know we’re meant to be together and we all get our closure. And well, because she loves you. She doesn’t love me like she loves you and it kills me that she doesn’t. You’ve got to come back and convince her to be with you. I can’t do it. I thought about ending it, but I love her too much. I’ve only ever loved her so it’s hard for me to let go. You can understand where I’m coming from, you love her too,” Liam said. The pain in Liam’s eyes Noel knew. It was a look he saw in the mirror after Clara ended them.

  “But why would you give me permission to go after your fiancée?” Noel asked, bewildered. If it were the other way round, Noel would be threatening Liam’s life.

  “I miss her smile. She doesn’t smile the way she used to. I’m in the way of her being happy,” Liam confessed. He looked at Noel and smiled. “I need her to smile again, Noel. I need that old Clara back. I need you to save her from a life with me.” Liam wiped a tear that escaped him, reached behind him and pulled out two envelopes.

  He handed Noel the envelopes and said, “I need you to make her smile again. I need you to love her and make her happy. It’s not me her heart wants and all I’ve ever wanted was her heart. I couldn’t compete with your love. I tried, but I just keep losing.”

  Noel looked down at the envelopes and frowned. “What are they?” he asked looking up at Liam.

  “The ivory one is an invitation to the wedding and the purple one is a letter she wrote you. I need you to stop this and get this idea that I need her out of her head. I don’t know how late I am, but I’m hoping I change your mind. I’m stopping Clara from being happy and I can’t be selfish anymore. If you don’t come to the wedding, I’m marrying her without another second thought. But if you do decide to fight one more time, I ask that you come just before the wedding. It’ll force her into a final decision and she’ll finally give us her true choice.”

  “You love Clara enough to do this for her?” Noel asked as he held onto the sealed envelopes.

  Liam nodded. “Please come back for her. It’s you she needs, not me. It was never me.”

  Noel looked at the envelope and saw his name in her scripted writing.

  “Just think about it, okay?”

  Noel nodded and saw a heartbreaking smile on Liam’s face. Liam was surprisingly giving him a free chance at Clara’s heart.

  “Thank you,” Noel softly said.

  “I’m glad I’
m losing her to you. She deserves to be happy. But…” Liam put his hands in his pockets and looked exhausted. Shaking his head, he looked up at Noel and asked, “D-did you sleep with her while she was here?”

  It would have been the same thought that kept me up at night.

  “No. We didn’t, but I kissed her and she told me no. It happened a few times and all those times were because of me,” Noel honestly confessed.

  Liam let out a laugh that confused him. “Yeah, I’d kiss her too. I should be mad that you made a move on my fiancée, but I honestly don’t blame you. Just come back to Melbourne.” He didn’t let Noel reply. Liam pushed past him and made his way to elevator, leaving Noel with two envelopes—one that contained an invitation and one a letter.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Pacing in front of the dinning table, his eyes kept looking at the two envelopes that rested on the glass top. The purple envelope that had his name written beautifully on it kept catching his eye. He never expected Liam to give him permission to have a life with Clara. If it had been Noel, he wouldn’t give any man that option. He'd have never let her go. Looking into Liam’s eyes, Noel knew Liam loved Clara enough to do this for her. If anyone ever really deserved Clara, it was Liam.

  Noel reached into his pocket, unlocked his phone and dialed Alex’s number. Besides a few broken bones and the healing scar on his head, Alex was doing okay. Keira was released a few days ago, she had a few broken ribs and a dislocated arm, and Alex was released a day ago after numerous tests to ensure no brain damage. The swelling was just that, swelling.

  “Hey!” Alex greeted with a chirp, his voice sounded distant.

  “Keira only letting you use the speaker phone on all your calls?” Noel asked as he pulled out a dinning chair and settled in it.

  Alex laughed. “Yeah, she’s paranoid that I’ll have some sort of brain malfunction if I put my phone close to my head but I’m good. The doctors said I was good. I got on the plane all right. I’m good!”

  Noel recognised that Alex said ‘good’ one too many times. He knew his best friend was still in pain and the plane ride back to New York wasn’t easy.

  “What’s up?” Alex asked.

  Noel wasn’t sure how to go about it. In fact he couldn’t believe what he just witnessed.

  “Liam came to my apartment,” Noel stated.

  “What?” Alex said, surprised. “Was Clara with him?”

  “No. I spoke to her just before I left the office after telling Gregson that I didn’t give a shit about my job. Got to my door to find him there,” Noel said as he recalled the memories.

  “Liam?”

  “Yeah, he told me that he knew about Clara and I. Said that he couldn’t make her happy and knew that she was only marrying him to make him happy. He handed me two envelopes, an invitation and a letter from Clara, and told me to stop the wedding because he couldn’t,” Noel explained.

  Reaching out, he took the purple envelope in his hand, placed it in front of him and ran his fingers over his name. His fingers twitched in anticipation.

  “Damn, he’s a stand up guy.” Alex sighed.

  “Kinda makes you think she really does deserve him instead of me,” Noel said honestly.

  There was a familiar hum from Alex that told Noel that he was weighing up the options. “Doesn’t matter if he is a stand up guy, you’re my best friend and I’m not impartial on this. Do what you got to do.”

  Tapping his fingers on the glass of the table, Noel thought about his options. Option one included him being selfish and going after the woman that held his heart. Or option two: let her marry a man far more deserving than he. Turning his heard his eyes glared at the ivory envelope, his heart ached at the thought of her being married to anyone other than him. His heart and head united to make a decision. He was going to be selfish.

  “When are you going back to Melbourne?” Noel asked as his eyes looked back at the purple envelope.

  “Couple days. Keira won’t let me go until I have another MRI here in New York. I’m worried about her broken ribs and she’s hell bent on worrying about me instead of herself.” Alex proudly exaggerated his annoyance.

  “She loves you, you clueless bastard!” Noel chuckled. It was good to have his best friend conscious and talking. Noel missed him.

  They shared a laugh until Alex coughed and composed himself. “Noel, I’m not the clueless one here. Read my sister’s letter and read between the lines. The choice is yours to make but I hope to see you at the wedding.” The way Alex trailed off had Noel sure of his decision.

  With a firm nod and the ache of missing her fuelling him, Noel said, “I’ll see you in Melbourne,” and hung up.

  He placed his phone on the glass, took the letter in his hand and ripped it open. He removed the folded sheets of paper and the first thing he noticed was her beautiful writing.

  Dear Noel,

  There’s a lot I’m afraid to say and a lot of things I should have done when it came to us. But when it came time to acting, I didn’t take the opportunity to. There’s a lot I am sorry for and more than likely regretful over. If anyone had told me a year ago that I would be falling in love with you, I’d have told them they were crazy. Looking back, I was the crazy one because I did fall in love with you.

  I spent my childhood in fear of you, because you looked at me with such hate that I never thought you’d let me into your life. Fast forward and it was I who didn’t let you in. Walking away from you and the concept of us will always be one of my most regrettable mistakes. If I could go back and have made you stay that night we went to that club, then things for us would have been different.

  But looking back, I realised that I used you sleeping with Valerie as my escape route. I was scared to love you. I was scared of what would happen if Alex knew and everyone else. I was scared that you won’t see me the same and this fairy tale of you loving me would be just that, a fairy tale. Who would have thought that Nolan Parker, the jerk of my childhood, would be the prince I wanted to save me. I’ve always needed saving, I thought I didn’t, but I’ve always needed someone to catch me each time I fell. Just like how you caught me and helped me with my bloody knee when I was four.

  Falling in love with you, I realised that our lives have always been entwined with each other, but maybe it’s time we sever that link between us. I kept thinking I’d never see you again after I walked away the first time. But the truth is my heart kept hoping to see you because my heart will always be drawn to you. I’m going to have to tell my heart that it’s time to stop being hopeful of a life with you. It's time we end.

  I feel like I ruined your life, inflicted unnecessary pain and some days I wish you never loved me. It would have been better between us if you and I hadn’t. Those days before you, I thought I was happy, but now I know I was pretending to be happy. I was missing one thing in my life and that was you. Walking away confirmed that piece would always be you. You were the piece of me I’ve been waiting for. I don’t know if either of us knew it but I think I’ve been in love with you for far longer than either one of us first believed, far longer than you standing at my door that day in October.

  That day changed my life. You changed my life. I can’t ever regret what we had. The only thing I can and will always regret is how we ended and how I didn’t try hard enough. I have this firm belief that I’m not the woman you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, because if we removed this façade, I’m still just Alex’s little sister. I'm not that strong woman I see you with, I'm just a coward.

  I’ve decided to marry Liam. It might be hard for you to contemplate and you may hate me forever, but I owe him a lot more than just my heart, though you seem to own it. I owe him compassion, I owe him a friendship and I owe him loyalty. He deserves far better than me but he chose me. The love in his eyes is hard to say no to and I feel my love for him. It may not be the love that terrifies me like the love I’ve held for you, but it’s there.

  I know it’s hard for you and it’s hard for m
e too, but I think it’s best if you don’t come to the wedding. It was an unfair request and I will not hold you to it. You deserve happiness too and I’ve done nothing but inflict pain on your heart.

  I wish I could love him like I loved you, but maybe that’s what makes my love for Liam different and worthy of lasting. The love I had with you was built on pain and uncertainty, how could that kind of love last forever?

  I’m choosing Liam. I hope you live a good and happy life, Nolan. And I hope that the woman that ties you down makes you happy. But I know she will, because you will never change your mind about her. You will love her forever, simply forever. I don't know if I'll ever send you this. Maybe I'm writing this to rid my heart of the things I'll never say. The things you deserved but I'm just too selfish to give you a proper goodbye. Goodbye means I'll never have a chance to be with you and maybe never giving you this letter lets me have some sort of happily ever after. Maybe in another life we could have made it. I'm so sorry I did this to you and to us. I'm so sorry I chose to walk away instead of fighting with you and for you. I'm so sorry you fell in love with me and held on to that love. I'm so sorry I broke your heart and denied you love with Andrea. I'm so sorry, Nolan Parker, I'll never stop being sorry.

  I wish you nothing but pure happiness. You deserve it after loving someone like me. Just know that I loved you, with all my heart, I loved you.

  Clara.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  “Clara, you are going to look absolutely beautiful in your wedding dress,” her mother-in-law-to-be, Imogen, awed.

  “Thank you, Mrs. O’Connor.”

  Imogen turned around and tilted her head at Clara. “Darling, it’s either Mum or Imogen. You’re my daughter now too.”

  All Clara did was smile back and nod. She took in the sight of the altar. In five days she would be getting married. Liam returned from his bachelor trip with a smile and she was happy to see him. The nervousness in his eyes no longer existed instead he looked content.