How are you already being so annoying?
Xander Bowen:
Greg’s taking a dump and I’m bored.
Holly Aberdeen:
Ew. There is such a thing as over sharing.
I opened up a conversation with Greg as I made my way out of the airport.
Holly Aberdeen:
Xander’s sharing the news on your BMs.
Greg Hook:
Why does that not surprise me?
Xander’s face bubble lit up.
Xander Bowen:
Did you dob on me?
Holly Aberdeen:
What? Are you five? Who dobs anymore?
Xander Bowen:
You apparently.
I laughed as I shook my head.
Holly Aberdeen:
I have to go find my mum. I’ll talk to you later.
Xander Bowen:
You’ll probably talk to Greg first.
Holly Aberdeen:
I promise I won’t talk to Greg first
So, of course, Greg’s face bubble lit up.
Greg Hook:
Why aren’t you talking to me now?
I grumbled and opened Xander’s chat.
Holly Aberdeen:
I think that also counts as dobbing.
Then, I went back to Greg’s.
Holly Aberdeen:
Is he being as annoying in real life?
Greg Smells Bad:
Worse.
Greg Smells Bad:
When are you coming home?
Holly Dolly Oxen-free:
What’s happened to your name?
Holly Dolly Oxen-free:
Woah! What’s happened to mine?
Greg Smells Bad:
Who do you think happened to them?
King D’Awesome:
You know me. Personal boundaries aren’t my thing :D
Excellent, Xander had somehow got into Greg and my chat. I didn’t know why I was surprised.
Holly Dolly Oxen-free:
How do you know we weren’t having personal private conversations behind your back?
Greg Smells Bad:
I imagine that’s what he was hoping for.
Holly Dolly Oxen-free:
How did you even get here?
King D’Awesome:
Sneak infiltrations. And this way, I can join in. See:
Damn, that Xander. He’s such a butt! Rabble rabble.
See? I’m excellent at it :D
I heard my name and looked up as I saw Mum waving to me from further down the pick-up zone. I turned off my screen and, shoved my phone in my pocket and weaved my way through the crowds too Mum and her car.
“There you are, beautiful girl!” she cooed as she wrapped me up in her arms, heedless of the duffel over my shoulder.
“Hey, Mum,” I mumbled into her shoulder as she almost crushed me. “Where’s the beau?”
Mum pulled away and waved a hand as she walked to the car. She pulled open the boot and smiled. “He had to work. But, he’ll be home for dinner. So, we’ll have a girl’s afternoon!”
I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket as I dropped my bag into the boot and gave her as warm a smile as I had. We got into the car and she navigated her way out of the airport and towards her house while I tried to think of plausible answers to whatever crazy questions she might think up.
In Mum’s mind, girl’s afternoon meant only one thing; ask Holly all the awkward questions and don’t take no or silence for an answer.
She thankfully didn’t start until we were back at her place with a fortifying cup of coffee.
“So, tell me about this boy?” Mum said, her hands wrapped around her mug as she stared at me from under her fringe.
I hid my surprise behind a frown; why would mum know about any boys? “What boy?”
She rolled her eyes at my attempted deflection. “This Zach or whatever.”
My frown deepened with some idea of who she meant. “How do you know about any Zach’s or whatever?” I asked.
“Mark was…” she waved her hand like she was looking for the word, “worried. He called.”
“He dobbed?” Then, I sighed at myself, “I’ve spent too much time talking to Xander,” I muttered.
“Ha! That’s it. Xander.” I don’t know what accent she was trying on, but she rolled all sorts of letters there. “Very sexy name.”
“Ew. No.” I grimaced and pointed at her. “None of that.” Although, she wasn’t wrong.
She grinned. “And not just study it seems. So… You like him? He likes you? What’s going on there?” She waggled her eyebrows and I frowned.
“Just study.”
Mum scoffed. “Not just study.”
I rolled my eyes and weirdly found the truth coming out. “Okay, fine. Fake dating.”
“Fake dating?”
“Yes. Fake dating.”
“Is that a thing that actually happens?”
I felt the sudden urge to strangle my brother for telling Mum anything about anything. “Apparently,” I huffed. “Mark doesn’t know that part, though.”
“Oh, something Mark doesn’t know!” Mum was in full-on gossip mode.
I glared at her. “Just… It just happened. But, it’s not real.”
“Okay. And, how did it just happen? Did it have anything to do with…? Mark mentioned…something…but, I don’t really remember.” She waved her hand aimlessly.
Trust Mum to have remembered there was a boy but not why or even that there was absence of another boy.
I cleared my throat. “Jason and Nancy got together. I…reacted… Ergo, Xander and I are fake dating.”
Mum frowned like she was trying to connect more dots than there actually were. “I assume that makes sense in your teenage brain?”
Well, it had at the time. “I guess.”
“And, why are we fake dating? Why not real dating?”
I sat up quickly and rearranged, and I knew she noticed. “Because Xander doesn’t do…real dating–”
“He doesn’t? Or, you don’t?”
I glared at her and pretended she hadn’t interrupted. “Besides, we’re young. We’re just supposed to have fun. You said so yourself.” I waved it off like everything was good.
She didn’t say anything and I looked at her more closely. I didn’t have a lot of reference, but I was almost sure that that was what a proper, with-it mum was supposed to look at you like.
“Oh, Doll…” she said slowly.
“What?” I asked nonchalantly like my heart wasn’t totally invested in the hope she was going to give me some actual motherly advice.
“Your dad and I didn’t work out. But, that doesn’t mean that you and Xander aren’t meant for the long-haul. Kids your age are supposed to believe in forever and hope and the power of love to beat all obstacles.”
“Well, obviously I didn’t get the memo,” I grumbled. My heart was still super keen for this Mum-advice thing, but my brain didn’t want to hear it anymore.
“Holly, the beau and I might not make it. Despite having some more life experience under our belts and having a little more concept of forever, any number of things can happen. Sometimes you just fall out of love. No amount of planning or growing up or preparation can stop that…”
I shifted in my seat. My brain was starting to get on the bandwagon, but this side of Mum was different and new and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. She’d always been the fun mum, the games and jokes and shallow conversation mum. I knew she loved me, don’t get me wrong. But, serious heart-to-hearts had never been her thing. They’d always been Mark’s thing.
“But, I mean… Statistically–”
“Statistics?” Mum scoffed. “Doll, where are you getting this?”
“From that psych you sent Mark and me to. He said that statistically, people who meet in their teens will never make it, it’s just a fact of life.”
Mum grumbled some very unfavourable words. “I have wished so many times over the years we didn’t send you to him. The only solace I had was that Mark was too busy being a teenage boy to listen much and I hoped you’d be too much of a teenage girl one day to remember.”
“Nice gender stereotyping there, Mum.”
She huffed. “You know what I mean. Seriously, I can’t open my mouth these days without the wrong thing coming out. No matter how benign my intentions, I end up insulting someone.”
I shrugged. “World we live in, I guess.”
Mum rubbed her eyes. “I get it. I do. Things need to change for the better. I just wish it was easier to retrain forty years of instinctive thoughts and reactions.”
“Yeah, well. We’ll get there one day. At least you know you’re trying to do better.”
“Doesn’t help the people I inadvertently insult.”
I nodded. “Suppose not, no.”
“It’s a bit like Jason and Nancy, I guess…”
I frowned at her weird segue. “How?”
“Well, no matter how much they didn’t intend to hurt you, they did,” she said slowly.
I scoffed. “Yeah, I’m not sure about that anymore.”
Mum squealed in excitement and I looked at her in concern.
“What?”
She sighed and looked at me, but she looked at me with pride. “Dolly, you’ve always had a tendency to over-analyse the way your behaviour affected other people. Your father and I are to blame for that. You saw how our behaviour affected each other and you strove to make sure your behaviour didn’t hurt anyone else. But, baby, it was about time you turned some of that introspection out.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, people can do shitty things to us and it isn’t because we’ve done anything to deserve it.”
I looked down at my cup. “I know.”
“I know you know. But, when it came to Nancy and Jason, I’ve never seen you realise that before.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, I guess I… Sometimes I didn’t…” I sighed because she was right. Even if she hadn’t seen it first-hand a lot, she was still right. I’d made excuses for their shitty behaviour without even realising it until now. “Okay, I maybe let them treat me a little shittily.”
“A little?” Mum scoffed. “How about that time you wanted to do the talent show and you ended up watching as they did the number together and you got credit as the costume designer?”
I leant forward as I glared at her. “Just how much do you and Mark talk behind my back, Mum?”
She looked very self-satisfied. “Enough that I know more than you think, Doll.”
I huffed and was just about to try out that Godzilla tantrum my heart seemed so invested in lately. Then, Mum spoke and threw me totally off-guard.
“How did you think it would work with Jason?”
I blinked at her. “What?”
“Well, you won’t real-date Xander,” again with the weird rolling of letters there, “but you were all ready to storm in and tell Jason how you felt?”
“Now you conveniently remember?”
She shrugged coyly. “I don’t forget everything forever.”
God knew I loved this woman, but ugh.
Although, her question resonated in me in a way that I hadn’t been prepared for. It was a good question. I wasn’t sure I knew the answer to it.
“I don’t know,” I grumbled. “Jason does dating? I didn’t think he’d be able to hurt me? I trusted Nancy when she said I should tell him, assuming she knew something I didn’t? I don’t know, Mum.”
“Why did you think he couldn’t hurt you?”
I looked at her and didn’t want to answer that question. The answer was pressing up against the edge of my mind, but I didn’t really want to acknowledge it. “I don’t know.”
She nodded. “And, can I ask why you think Xander will be able to hurt you?”
I looked at her, annoyed. She was supposed to ask bothersome questions, but they weren’t supposed to be intrusive and make me take a look at myself. I was supposed to tell her there was no beau of my own and then listen to her prattle about how we needed someone sometimes and how a good partner was good for us. Actually, as I thought about that, I was starting to see dangerous parallels between her and Xander. But, tangent.
“Because he sleeps around, he drops girls like they burned him, and he’s shallow and insincere. He makes for an amusing friend, but a boyfriend he is not.”
“Well, he certainly sounds like a teenage boy,” she quipped.
I barely heard her though, because my heart was busy asking my brain how much of that I still believed. It wasn’t even just rumour anymore. It was actions, it was words straight from him. I knew him now. I took a deep breath before it felt like I was going to suffocate. Even I heard my breath hitch, so I’m not surprised Mum did too.
“Doll?”
I held a finger up and frowned as I thought about it. “Okay. I’m not sure, but maybe the real reason I’m worried he could hurt me is because maybe he’s not actually like that at all, but maybe he still couldn’t like me the way I might maybe like him?”
“That’s a lot of maybes, Dolly.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
We sat in silence for a moment as I panicked over what I was supposed to do with that information. I knew I didn’t hate him anymore. Honestly, I’d known that first week I didn’t actually hate him. But, the idea I liked him? And, maybe I like liked him? That gave my heart a nervous twitch I’d never felt before.
“Thank you, Holly,” Mum said softly.
I looked up at her in surprise. “What? What for?”
I saw her eyes were glassy, but she was smiling. “For opening up to me. I know I haven’t been the world’s best mum, but I’ve always wanted to be there for you. Thank you for trusting me.”
I felt my face flush and my heart clasped its hands in front of it and gave a shy smile. “I’ve told you things.”
“Not like that.”
I looked up at her and smiled. “I’m learning a little bit more about opening up to people other than Mark.”
She nodded and a smile played at her eyes. “I see that.”
“It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.”
“I’m glad.”
“I blame that Zach or whatever guy.”
Mum snorted and we both laughed. “Then maybe he really isn’t so bad after all?”
“Maybe not.”
“But, not boyfriend material?”
I looked back at my now-empty cup. “That trust is still a little hard to have.”
“Do you know what he wants?”
“Not really.”
“Could you ask him?”
I was about to shake my head, but figured a little more honesty for one day wouldn’t hurt. “I’m afraid if I do, he’ll tell me the only thing I don’t want to hear.”
“I get it. Why make a problem where there isn’t one?”
“Exactly.”
“And, what if he wants the same thing?”
I thought back to Daniel’s words the other day. I wondered if, no matter what we had, I’d already written us off, or if I could go into this with all that belief in forever and hope and love and wait to see what happened. That was the part that scared me the most; that it would become real and it would break and that would hurt more than it not being real in the first place.
“What if it doesn’t work out?” I asked her.
“Dolly, your plane could go down on the way home. A meteor could hit the house. You could be diagnosed with cancer. We don’t know when our ending will be, but we can chose to make the most of what time we have. Your dad and I had some really good years, baby. And I don’t regret any part of it, except maybe not walking away earlier and saving us all some heartache. Maybe you two won’t work out, but think of what you might have if you just take that chance. You could be happy.
”
“I’m happy now. What Xander and I have now is good.
“Okay. But, what if you could have something amazing?”
I took a deep breath, trying not to remember that infectious smile of Xander’s that made me think that exact thing. “I’m trying. I don’t know how to let go of that…worry.”
“All it takes is a little faith, doll. A little faith and a little loyalty.”
There was that damned word again. I was starting to wonder if I’d ever really known proper loyalty outside my family. And, even then, the concept was touch and go.
Mum reminding me about the talent show from a few years ago was dredging up other memories and I was seeing them differently now.
The time I wanted to go to Mark’s first amateur soccer game, but Nancy kept dragging me around the shops saying that her crisis was super important and we’d be done soon. The time I’d waited for weeks to not watch the last Harry Potter movie without both of them and then I’d found out they’d watched it without me because I was visiting Mum. The time Jason had wanted to go to The Beachouse because his crush was going even though I had a massive headache, so we went and I ended up puking and he didn’t even get the girl.
Maybe I was looking unfavourably on those memories because we’d had a falling out. Maybe I’d been spending too much time around Xander. But, maybe I’d also let them walk all over me a little bit without really stopping to notice it. Maybe the two people I’d thought were my best friends in the whole world hadn’t been as blindly loyal to me as I’d been to them?
“Okay, I think I’ve been serious Mum for long enough. I was supposed to be helping, not making it worse. So, I vote more coffee and a movie!”
I smiled, knowing her well. “One of yours?”
She shook her head. “No, Doll, one of yours. I dare you to scare the pants off me.”
I grinned at her. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
So, while she made coffee, I found a movie.
And, that kick-started an actually really great few days together.
The beau came home in time to cook us dinner – by no coincidence, his actual name was also Beau. And, having started that little-bit-closer connection to Mum made hanging out with Beau easier too. We laughed and joked and ate way too much. Mum and I had a few more heart-to-hearts. I even shared some of my annoyance with Xander’s constant messaging and didn’t deny it when Mum teasingly told me I liked it. We hadn’t become the best mother-daughter team in the world in a few short days, but I got on the plane on Wednesday feeling a whole lot better about everything.
Keeping Up Appearances Page 22