by Mia Madison
It’s morning before I see her eyes open again. I jerk awake. Daylight is streaming through a gap in the blind onto the bed.
“Da…Dad.” She tries to speak, but her throat is dry. I stroke her hand and press the call button to check if I can give her water. She must be so confused about where she is, but she’s not the only one with questions. I have no fucking clue how this will all turn out. No clue at all. Even so, I’m elated that she can speak my name after all my initial fears about brain damage and worse.
“Baby.” I hold her hand. “It’s okay. You had an accident. You’re in the hospital, shaken up, but you’ll be fine.”
I hope the doctor is right.
When she arrives for her morning rounds with a gaggle of medical students, she examines Kate’s charts and asks her how she feels. She confirms the danger has passed, and that she’s still happy with Kate now she’s out of sedation.
When the medical posse moves on, I make sure Kate is okay, and then I go out to contact everyone. I know Lindsay will be feeling as bad as I do, and I want to make it better for her. I just don’t think I can upset Kate again right now. It feels like the great relationship I had with my daughter is on a knife’s edge. And the relationship I want with Lindsay is a dream that’s quickly drifting right out of my grasp.
CHAPTER 19
Lindsay
I weep with relief when Gavin calls me and tells me Kate will be okay. I feel so bad this happened. It may not have been our fault directly, but she wouldn’t even be in the hospital if we hadn’t got together. I ask Gavin, “Do you think it’s a good idea if I go and see her, now she’s conscious? I’m scared what she’ll say, but I want to see her.”
“I think the sooner you two talk to each other the better. But I’ll talk to her first.”
I’m really nervous about going to see my friend. I hope Gavin has managed to talk to her. She’s going to be livid with me. I’m pretty sure about that. But I don’t know what she’ll say exactly. She never caught me sleeping with her dad before.
I text Gavin to say I’m on my way and I take magazines, chocolate, fruit and flowers. And a card. A pile of things. Overcompensating, I guess, for everything.
But while I’m still in the hospital parking lot, Gavin texts me asking me to meet him in the reception area.
I see him as soon as I struggle through the big revolving doors with my gifts. The sight of him makes me think of our night together and what we lost. But everything has changed. He’s not smiling, for one thing. “I’m sorry, Lindsay, she says she’s not up to seeing visitors.”
“Not up to seeing visitors or just me?” I feel sick at the thought that my friend doesn’t want to see me at all.
“I don’t know.” He looks tired.
“Did you get any sleep?”
“Not much.”
“Me neither. Will you give her these anyway?” I hand him everything I brought for Kate. I feel ridiculous bringing this huge pile of things when she doesn’t even want to see me.
“Yes, I’ll give them to her. So much stuff.”
“Just not the right time.”
He puts the things down on a nearby chair, grabs my hand and squeezes my fingers, and I can’t help tears rolling down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” He wipes my tears with his thumbs. “I didn’t want any of this to happen. She’s not happy with me either. She’s hardly speaking to me. But she’s got no one else. She broke up with Paul. It wasn’t just a fight.”
“Oh god, no wonder she was upset. I thought she’d found the one.”
“Maybe so did she. Until last night.”
I’ve been with Kate through breakups before. I know how hard she takes it. The whole situation just sucks. I want to curl in a ball and forget the whole world.
“It won’t always be like this,” Gavin says.
“Won’t it?”
He’s not going to answer that. How can he? He hugs me.
“I’d better go,” he says.
I can’t help a sob escaping my lips as I turn back to the parking lot.
*
A week later, Mom bumps into Gavin on her way back from the store, and I hear that Kate is out of the hospital, recuperating at home.
“I’m surprised you didn’t go back to see her at the hospital,” Mom says, fishing as ever for what’s going on in my life, as she puts the cereal away in the kitchen cupboard. “Was she not allowed visitors? I’ll bake her some of the chocolate chip cookies she likes, and you can take them next door.”
I could probably make up some excuse not to take the cookies, or put her off baking them at all, but Mom will notice soon enough that Kate and I never see each other. I need to say something.
“Kate doesn’t want to see me.” I busy myself unloading the dishwasher. I don’t want Mom to see my face.
“What? You two not talking? That’s a first. What’s that about, then? Some guy?”
“Something like that.”
“It’s not worth falling out over a guy. Friends are everything. Who is this guy anyway? You haven’t been out with anyone in weeks. It must be serious if he’s causing a rift between you?”
I gulp. She’s probably thinking I’ve been running after Kate’s boyfriend or something. If I don’t tell her, she’ll never stop nagging until she knows everything. “It’s Gavin. Gavin next door.”
I don’t think Mom quite believes me at first. She stops putting away the groceries. “Gavin? Kate’s dad?”
“Yes.”
“But he’s nearly our age. He must be twenty years older than you.”
“I know, but I can’t help how I feel about him. It doesn’t seem to me like he’s that many years older.”
“Has he been coming on to you and now you’ve fallen out with Kate because of it? I’m going right around there to give him a piece of my mind.”
“No, Mom. Don’t blame him. It’s not his fault. It just happened. And we’re not together anymore anyway, so there’s no point in creating a scene.”
She humphs. “You say it just happened. I don’t believe that. Gavin Day can talk the birds out of the trees. But at least it’s not still going on. You’re better off dating someone your own age.”
How wrong she is, but what’s the point in arguing? It’s not going to change anything.
CHAPTER 20
Gavin
It’s a relief to get away from the hospital and bring Kate home. She’s still sore, tired and weak, but the bad headaches and dizziness we are watching out for haven’t shown up, at least not yet. Her cuts and bruises will heal over time.
She dismissed the whole idea of Lindsay visiting her at the hospital with, “Don’t even go there. I don’t want to see her.”
But it’s been a week since the accident, and it’s time to have another conversation.
“It’s weird, you and Lindsay getting together,” she says. “But it’s not just that, it’s the way the two of you carried on behind my back that upsets me. It’s like neither of you cared how that would feel when I found out.”
“That wasn’t the way it was. Nothing serious happened before the night of your accident. I thought I could stay away from Lindsay because I knew you’d be upset by it but, somehow, I couldn’t.”
She doesn’t ask me more, just shrugs as if she’s washed her hands of me, of any of it.
I like to think her anger will reduce, given time. Kate doesn’t usually bear grudges. But even if she’s no longer angry, I can see it will be a step too far if Lindsay and I get back together anytime soon. Whatever I do right now, I’m stuck between two horrible scenarios, keeping away from Lindsay for I don’t know how long (maybe forever – fuck, no!) or seriously falling out with my daughter.
Lindsay is never far from my thoughts. I want to text her, but I worry Kate will see those messages and think I’m doing things behind her back again.
When I catch a glimpse of Lindsay taking her dog out for a walk or getting into her car, it hurts. How can I forget about her when she is next
door? How can I stop thinking about her when she is etched on my mind?
It’s hard to be cheerful for my radio show. It’s just as well I’m used to pretending to be in a good mood no matter what. Chirpy for the listeners, pretty gloomy otherwise. Everyone at work notices and when the producer starts joking about it, I tell him to fuck off. Luckily, I’ve known him a long time.
Most of the music on the show is upbeat, but I start playing something slower now and again to suit my mood. The producer nicknames the times I play these songs the Gavin’s gone gloomy slot, but I call it taking a “Heart Break” on air, and it seems to hit the right note with the listeners. “Heart Break” gets a regular slot, but I always think about it as Lindsay’s song of the day. I don’t know if she listens. I like to think she does.
*
A couple of weeks pass, and my dad comes over and takes Kate out to lunch. She’s always loved her granddad. I wave them off. I’ve got an animation script to read. Since her time in the hospital, I’ve been looking after Kate, making sure she has everything she needs, turning down extra work so I can be there as much as possible, but I can see she won’t need me to hover around much longer.
Our relationship is still fragile, but as soon as she’s fully recovered I’ll talk to her again. She’s a grown up. She’ll have her own life to live, and she’ll be off living it soon enough. I can’t let her keep me apart from Lindsay forever.
I pour myself a coffee when there’s a knock on the door.
It’s Mary, Lindsay’s mom, and she’s not smiling.
I let her in. I guess the script will have to wait.
CHAPTER 21
Lindsay
I should stop listening to the radio when Gavin is on. I’m just torturing myself with his voice and memories and those sad songs he plays these days seem to fit every emotion I’m feeling, like a lovestruck teenager.
Can I read anything into him playing songs like that every day around the time I take my break? Unlikely. He never contacts me, and who knows what that means? Some exec at the station must have decided playing those songs was a good idea.
Today’s track is “Don’t Give Up on Us, Baby.” But I don’t see what else I can do. I need to find out what’s going on. Maybe I should put on my big girl panties and try to see Kate again. I miss her as well as her dad. I miss them both like my arm was cut off.
They’ve let Kate go at work and a new girl has started. It’s not the same. I know I should just start looking for a permanent job—I doubt Kate and I will be taking a trip to Europe now anyway—but my heart’s not in it.
Most of the time, I’m invisible at the food court, just the girl who cleans the tables, but today some guy tries to flirt with me and asks for my number. I’m polite, but I want to tell him not to waste his time. Gavin is under my skin. I have to get over him, but I haven’t got there yet.
Even if Kate and I talk again it will never be the same. She goes out in the car with her dad sometimes, and it looks like she recovered from her accident with just the hint of a limp as she walks. I’m sure that will get better, but not every problem can be fixed. Why did I have to go and fall in love with her dad?
CHAPTER 22
Gavin
Mary’s visit sorted out one thing in my mind. I have to talk to Kate about Lindsay as soon as I can, and today is as good as any. When she gets back from lunch. But Dad brings her back late, and she asks me if it can wait. She wants to take a bath and go to bed.
It will have to be tomorrow. After work, I’ll make dinner and we can talk then.
In the morning, I ask if she needs me to do anything for her before I go into the station.
“Dad, I can do stuff for myself. You have to work all day,” she says. “And there’s no need for the long face around me all the time. I’m getting better. I’ll find a job and I’ll be out of your hair even more then.”
“I don’t need you out of my hair, as you put it,” I say. “I’m just doing what I can to help make up for all this.”
“All this?”
“Your accident, you and your best friend falling out. I feel guilty about all that. Anyway, I want to talk to you tonight.”
“About Lindsay?”
“Yes.”
“I thought that might be what you wanted last night. Talking to Granddad helped, but I still wanted to think about it.”
“You told Granddad?”
“Yes. Why shouldn’t he know about it? Maybe you should have talked to him, too.” It seems like my daughter is sometimes more mature than me. “Anyway, you shouldn’t feel guilty about the accident or about me and Lindsay falling out. I was the stupid driver who took a bend too fast in the rain. And I’m the one who refused to see Lindsay. Not you. She sent me lots of messages, tried to call me. I’m the one who kept her away.”
“But I can’t help thinking…”
“Never mind all that. I know it’s not just guilt making you miserable. It’s because you’re not with her, isn’t it? I’ve never seen you like this—not even when Mom left.”
“You remember that? You were only five.”
“I remember the fights, the way she only cared about herself. She never came back, did she? But you were always there for me, never complaining. Granddad asked me if I want you to be happy, and I do. If that means Lindsay comes back into our lives, so be it. I see the way you look at her when you catch sight of her going somewhere, even though you think I haven’t noticed. You can’t take your eyes off her. But it’s okay; I miss her, too.”
I give Kate the biggest hug. I should have known she wouldn’t hold a grudge forever. She has never been like that. Even her tantrums as a child could be quickly smoothed over. It’s just that we’ve never had anything like this driving a wedge between us. Dad will get a hug, too, when I next see him, though I hate to think what he’ll say to me about all this.
I kiss Kate on the cheek. I have to go to work. “Are you sure about this? You’re not going to be upset if I see Lindsay?”
“Yes, I’m sure. I can do without over the top public displays of affection, but other than that, be my guest.”
I hope Lindsay never gave up on me or on Kate. I’m going to talk to her straight after work.
CHAPTER 23
Lindsay
I want to make some grand gesture to show Kate how much her friendship means to me, even if she hates me for being with her dad, but I come up with nothing, not even anything small. My messages have all fallen on deaf ears.
Then I remember Mom talking about making cookies for Kate. She loves those. I could do that and take them over. See if I can get anywhere. At least it would be an excuse to visit her to try to build some bridges.
When I get home from work, I get out the mixer. It’s good to feel like I’m doing something even if I never dare deliver the cookies. I’m making three kinds—chocolate chip (her favorite), butterscotch and coconut, and some nutty crunch ones I don’t think she’s had.
The doorbell goes off as I’m getting the last batch out of the oven. The washing up is done, and I’ve already eaten three cookies, trying to calm my nerves at the idea of going next door. Those cookies will be going straight to my hips. Maybe Kate won’t thank me for them.
My heart lurches when I see a tall broad figure through the frosted glass. And when I open the door, and it’s Gavin, my heart lurches even more.
He smiles like he’s really pleased to see me. Maybe he’s just relieved it wasn’t Mom who answered the door. I’m pretty sure she’ll have chewed him out, even though I told her not to. I asked her if she did, but she refused to talk about it.
“Is it okay if I come in?”
I shrug and open the door wider. I’m too scared to give myself hope this means anything other than one neighbor calling on another.
“I’ve been baking cookies.” Talk about stating the obvious.
“My detective powers are not failing then.”
I look at him like a dork. Where has my voice gone?
“You have
powdered sugar on your cheek, and you’re wearing an apron covered in flour,” he says, helpfully, as if I didn’t know what the evidence for cookie baking was. “I need to talk to you.”
“Right.” I have to ask. “Does Kate know you’re here?”
“No. She…”
“Won’t she be upset if she finds out?”
“Not after the chat we had this morning. She’s calmed down about everything.”
“Really? That’s good. But what does that mean? That she’s not going to throw things at me if I pass her in the street?”
“She told me she wants me to be happy and that she knows you make me happy. It would make me happier still if you two were talking. She says she misses you.”
“I baked the cookies for her, but I didn’t know if I could drum up the courage to give them to her.”
“I think she’ll like that.”
His fingers trace my cheek and brush the powdered sugar away.
“It isn’t just Kate who misses you,” he says. “I missed you, like crazy.”
“I missed you, too.”
“Are you done baking?” he asks.
“Yes.”
He unties my apron and lifts it over my head. “I love that apron on you, but if I go back covered in flour it will be a dead giveaway.”
He takes me in his arms and kisses me as if he’s waited a long time for this kiss. We both have. I love the feel of his hands in my hair pulling me toward him, the scruff of his cheeks on my face, his hard body against mine. Oh, and I missed that feeling, too, the sudden need for more, much more than a kiss. I put my nose to his neck, breathing in the male scent of him that I remember.
“Let’s go out,” he says, his voice rough.
“Out where?”
“For a walk.”
“You want to go for a walk now?” Walking is the last thing on my mind.
“It’s safer not to be alone with you in your house the way I’m feeling right now,” he says. “Not with your mom and dad due back any moment and likely to barge in on something no parent wants to see.”