by Elena Monroe
My demons will ruin whatever is left of her halo.
Elena Monroe
© 2020 by Elena Monroe. All rights reserved.
No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without the written consent and permission of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Characters, names, dialogues, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, whether living or dead, businesses, locales, or events other than those specifically cited are unintentional and purely coincidental or are used for the purpose of illustration only.
The publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein. The author and publisher assume no responsibility or liability whatsoever on the behalf of any purchaser or reader of these materials. The publisher and author do not have any control over and do not assume any responsibility for third party websites or their content.
First edition.
Cover Design: Maria with Steamy Reads
Editor: Mackenzie Letson of Nice Girl, Naughty Edits
Photographer: Michelle Lancaster
Model: Ben Atkins
To the ones who lived through the worst only to come out stronger.
George –
I graduated school, I took on more at work, I made books a priority and somehow you were still patient with me when I seemed to never stop being busy. You helped me build my castle and I can’t thank you enough. I love you.
Mac –
Joint custody. Forever. I am so beyond happy you found a piece of passion in this world and I cannot wait to see how you make a footprint in this world. Now I get to be your cheerleader, girl!
Amber –
Girl. I can’t. Just imagine me crying and voice messaging you one million times a day like normal only this time is a hailstorm of appreciation for having you. You could never be anything but amazing so don’t let the world’s horrors ever put out that light.
Give Me Books Promotions –
Stalker, loyal customer, annoying, slightly disorganized but always thankful for how smooth you guys make things. Forever yours.
Maria at Steamy Reads –
I am still in such a state of awe at the magic you create.
Rule Breakers, Bloggers, Readers, ARC Team & Street Team –
I write for you guys.
All day.
Every day.
All of my stories belong to you.
Take a piece because what mine is yours.
Does that make us married now?
Shoreline Mafia - “Change Ya Life”
Pouya - “Who Am I to Blame?”
Halsey - “Drive”
Enrique Iglesias - “Be with You”
Tate McRae - “You Broke Me First”
Fall Out Boy - “Church (remix)”
Michelle Branch - “Are You Happy Now”
Holly Humberstone - “Falling Asleep at the Wheel”
Machine Gun Kelly - “Body Bag (feat. Bert McCracken”
Arizona Zervas - “RIP”
TRIGGER WARNING:
It’s heavy.
It’s deep.
It’s dark.
It’s almost too much, almost all the time.
It’s dark romance and these characters have suffered in the shadows for far too long.
Proceed with caution.
My demons will ruin whatever is left of her halo.
BLURB:
BOWEN
I was living on borrowed everything: time, feelings, motives, even these stale breaths.
I was expired in every way.
No saving me.
He should have lived instead.
He deserved to squeeze every drop out of life and rub it in my face the way he always did.
I was stuck here as half of a person and Eve expected me to be whole enough to fix her.
We were too shattered to ever be put back together again.
I was her demon.
EVE
I was wasting every second of every day trying to make time move faster.
I was ready to throw away this life as the Princess of Denmark and go back home where Bowen would be waiting for me. There was no stopping me.
I had been promised to Bowen since our births.
I was determined to save myself for him and only him—my lifeline.
I may be bruised and broken but that only dirtied up my angel wings.
Nothing he couldn’t handle.
I would always be his angel.
BLURB:8
EVE11
BOWEN13
CHAPTER ONE: EVE16
CHAPTER TWO: EVE21
CHAPTER THREE: BOWEN27
CHAPTER FOUR: EVE32
CHAPTER FIVE: BOWEN39
CHAPTER SIX: BOWEN43
CHAPTER SEVEN: EVE47
CHAPTER EIGHT: BOWEN52
CHAPTER NINE: EVE58
CHAPTER TEN: BOWEN61
CHAPTER ELEVEN: EVE65
CHAPTER TWELVE: EVE69
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: BOWEN72
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: BOWEN77
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: EVE83
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: VIC89
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: EVE94
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: BOWEN101
CHAPTER NINETEEN: EVE106
CHAPTER TWENTY: BOWEN110
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: EVE116
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: EVE121
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: BOWEN123
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: BOWEN128
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: BOWEN132
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: BOWEN138
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: BOWEN142
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: ELIAS149
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: EVE150
CHAPTER THIRTY: EVE158
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: EVE163
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: KHAOS166
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: BOWEN180
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: BOWEN187
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: BOWEN191
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX: EVE195
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN: BOWEN203
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT: EVE207
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE: BOWEN213
CHAPTER FORTY: EVE218
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE: BOWEN224
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE: GRIMM231
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR: BOWEN236
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE: BOWEN240
EPILOGUES242
BOWEN242
EVE245
EVE
Age 13
No one ever talks to you when change is about to erupt all over your life. They talk at you, and that’s exactly what happened a week before school ended.
The change I was forced into also forced me to adapt in order to survive, so that’s exactly what I did.
Bowey was my best friend even though the other kids didn’t understand him. They made fun of him for being too skinny, too pale, or even too weird, but Bowey was the one person I looked forward to every day.
Duke was the one guy at school who single handedly led the charge against Bowey, making one joke and turning the lunchroom into a laughingstock. I knew I couldn’t leave Bowey behind without leaving some fear behind in my wake. No one knew I was leaving and possibly never coming back.
My mom had been alone for so long that I had forgotten what it was like for her to bring around a guy as often as she was now. His presence during our dinners, game nights, and weekends made it clear he was going to be permanent.
The week before school ended my mother sat me down
alongside the new guy who was monopolizing my mom and ruining my life to give me the bad news: we were moving to Denmark, where he was from.
All my rage, tears, and impatience spat in the face of change when I stood up with tears streaming down my face, “Who will protect Bowey?!” I didn’t wait for a response because I knew no one would ever care for him like I did. His well-being rested on me—no one else.
The next day at school, I waited for Duke to make his stale jokes like clockwork about Bowey not eating the school lunch. We sat down in our usual spot with the rest of the guys he grew up with and a few random people I didn’t take the time to get to know.
Why would I? I had all I needed across from me.
“Watching your girlish figure?” Duke laughed, and I knew what needed to happen. I needed to stop him for good before he destroyed Bowey and me right along with him.
Even though we would be so far apart, I was convinced if anything happened to him, I would suffer too.
Taking my plastic knife with the small teeth lining one edge, I got up and pushed Duke until he fell, then crawled over him with the knife in my hand. Pressing it to his neck like we had seen in my favorite horror movies, I watched his toughness fade into fear right under me.
The fear was fueling me, “Eat shit, Duke. If you ever even talk to Bowey again I will cut your throat.”
Bowey bounced off the picnic table style bench dragging me off him, but not before the knife made a bright red line appear across his neck in the scuffle.
“Eve, what is wrong with you?!” his voice sounded like he thought I was crazy, and I wanted to tell him why I was acting this way, but I couldn’t. It was going to hurt too much.
“People like him need to be scared of you, Bowey. You can’t let people push you around forever.” I whisper shouted as he dragged me outside of the cafeteria.
“We have each other. I don’t care what other people say.”
“What if you don’t have me forever? What then?” The stream of my tears made it evident that change was coming, but all anyone else would think was that I was being a freak.
“Never going to happen.”
Exactly one week later, my packed suitcases went in the taxi and all three of us filed into the van on the way to the airport. I put off explaining for so long that I never got to at all before I was about to vanish from his life. Sitting in the taxi, realizing this was it, the wells in my eyes started to leak past my lashes. Making a break for it, I jumped out of the taxi still parked in front of our house.
I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.
I took off running down the sidewalk, the same route I always took to Bowey’s house. I ran so fast my lungs felt as useful as paper trying to capture air.
Instead, I was a kite just blowing in the wind.
Pounding my fist against the thick wooden door, I screamed his nickname I gave him waiting for him to appear before my mom came after me. The door opened to the same man who always answered, but it wasn’t his mom or dad, I ran past him still shouting Bowey’s name.
“Bowey! Bowey!”
Running up the stairs, I made it down the hall and pushed the door open pouring into his room that I considered a second room of mine. He was sitting there with headphones on playing video games, and my shoulders fell down to their rightful place when I saw him.
Pushing off the headphones he asked me, “What’s wrong, Evey?”
“She’s making me leave. The new guy, they’re getting married, Bowey. The suitcases are in the taxi.” The tears were clouding all the better ways of breaking the news.
“Right now? Why didn’t you tell me? We can run away together.”
Without warning, my mom’s new boyfriend practically yanked my shirt off when he pulled me back so hard. Thrashing around I tried to get away when I saw Bowey crumbling and stilling at the same time.
“If I knew you’d be so much trouble I would have left you here,” his voice was thick with hate and it was mutual.
Bowey ran after me, grabbing the pocketknife he had for our adventures outside and camping trips in his backyard, out of sheer reason that it was dangerous. He liked danger in a way that was scary because no one should be comfortable with so much darkness, but he was.
He was made out of shadows and bad dreams. He was beautiful.
“Let her go, asshole! Eve!” The pocketknife in his hand sliced right through his ironed chinos, sliding against his thigh, only making his grip on me tighter.
Bowey ran after the taxi for miles as I tried to crawl my way out of the moving vehicle. My mom’s new boyfriend held onto me as she kept looking out the other window like nothing was happening.
The last sight I had of Bowey was him standing in the middle of the street with tears ruining his beautifully sharp features and the knife in his hand ready to do what I did for him with Duke.
BOWEN
I wish I could reduce my miserable life down to one trauma, but unfortunately it was several. A series of events that led to a metamorphosis I welcomed because changing is easier than dealing.
Servants of Patmos was the start of my growing body count. It was when I decided if toxic people were going to exist in my life, then the problems would never go away.
That’s when I decided to bury my problems, literally.
Just like the other half of me with a tombstone in our family plot.
I always felt half here, the bad half, left to walk the earth alone. The one person built to be my other half died one summer without any warning, forcing me to survive alone. Ignoring the reality of it, I got comfortable being just half of someone.
The half that lived.
The half with the world on a string.
The half that got to suffer through life.
I always wondered what he would have been like if he was still here… If he’d be all the good parts I was missing.
If he would be charming where I’m grating.
If he would light the world on fire with a smirk the way I did.
It was always a mystery why I had any real problems when I had the world on a silver platter and the matching silver spoon to help the medicine go down. The medicine tasted like bubble gum melted down and filtered the world to be this happy fucking place when it wasn’t.
I stopped taking that medicine when my parents were sick of my behavior after Eve moved.
I was the kid that said every smartass remark, did all the things you didn’t want me to, and was an adult’s worst nightmare because I had a smirk parked on my face the whole time.
I used to be different before their method of treatment. Their methods didn’t cure me, instead, it only created more scars on an already full canvas.
Forced to take my brother’s place every summer on the island, it wasn’t hard to figure out why he ran off the cliff into the shallow water hitting every rock at the bottom.
He was sold to the highest bidder every summer which just so happened to be the same man claiming to be holy. He enjoyed making me feel pretty fucking full in the places I didn’t need to experience.
It went on for three years until the devious plan I concocted to kill him turned into a reality when I was sixteen, attending Servants of Patmos.
Old enough to give a shit.
Old enough to fight back.
That same man started making house calls just to make sure I was maintaining our little secrets. Always making time for his favorite pleasures and my dreaded punishments.
Burying him was harder than killing him. Isn’t that fucked? My arms were on fire for six days until another Sunday rolled around. Guess you can really only sin six ways to Sunday.
After compartmentalizing his death and my freedom I toyed with the idea that maybe I was left changed...
I hadn’t really given much thought to sex considering I was receiving more than enough in the summer months from a priest, but now that I was free, I decided I should figure it out before I only got hard ons for churches and bibles.
It wasn’t a le
ap to strongly consider being gay, and Patmos was the perfect opportunity to explore that idea when we returned for our Junior year.
Cam was the small town’s token gay guy who was already breaking stereotypes by being on the football team. It was easy to get his attention, all I had to do was go to a few football games and stare at him the whole time.
None of this shit gave me feels, had my dick’s attention, or even gave me a clear answer to my sexuality. Yet, I let him flirt with me and afterwards I invited him over to get down to business.
Giving it a real college try, I let him fuck me a few times before I felt even more confused.
I didn’t feel anything.
Cam was shoving himself into a living dead boy. I felt nothing with my face pushing into the sheets, his hands gripping my hips, and his grunts bouncing off the walls.
At some points I swore I could feel the breeze off the ocean and hear the waves crash just like I could on that island.
Khaos had a way of making our traumas sit in the corner by being a one-man party. He must have thrown a party every week our junior year.
With no idea what this party was honoring, I padded downstairs to grab a handle of liquor to hide for later when I was finally alone. I had been drinking like a professional for a while already.
Parties were a great cover for it.
The guys were in the living room of Patmos, well one of them, all playing xbox when I sat down. “What’s this one for? Who’s coming?”
Khaos laughed, sitting with his back where your ass goes and legs in the air holding his skateboard up. “Don’t worry, your boyfriend will be there.”
I tensed and stilled at his words when I realized I hadn’t covered that up as well as I could have.
Were they listening outside my door?
Fuck.
“I don’t have a… boyfriend.” I don’t know why my tongue tripped on the word. I was better acquainted with dick than pussy, but they didn’t know that.
I kept my demons to myself. They’re mine after all.