We made each other whole.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Samir
WE WALKED DOWN the street hand in hand. I pointed out various places to her, loving the way her eyes lit up every time I showed her something new. The Corniche, the popular street next to the seafront, was crowded today. People strolled by the water; others rode bikes on the street. A musician played off to the side, the sound mixing with all the other sounds of the city. The weather was perfect, the company even better. I’d sent Fleur and the rest of the group off with our driver to explore Beirut. I wanted Maggie to myself.
“So what do you think?”
“It’s gorgeous. I love it.”
This was one of my favorite spots in Lebanon. I loved the water, loved the palm trees, the deep expanse of sand before the shore. There was something wild about this space. Something in the air made me think of freedom despite the tall buildings that bordered it. The French influence was evident in the elegant lampposts and benches, in the many details that were so European. The Corniche represented Lebanon perfectly—caught somewhere between its French history and Arab influence. I knew the feeling.
Maggie smiled. “You look good here. It suits you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You’re proud. Everyone seems to know you. Look up to you. You give people hope. How many people have said hi to you today? How many people have shaken your hand?”
“My father gives them hope,” I corrected. I didn’t add how much I feared that hope was misplaced.
“Your legacy gives them hope. You’re right. You can do a lot of good here. You can help people.” Her gaze trailed from the Corniche to the city. “I see the poverty just as easily as I see the fancy cars. It’s a beautiful city, but there’s a tension here, too. You could work to change that.”
“I don’t feel ready.” It was a stupid excuse, but it was the truth. If I could be honest with anyone, it was her. “I don’t know what I really have to offer my country, my people.” I stared out into the water. “All I know are nightclubs and champagne.”
“Bullshit.”
I stared at her, surprise in my eyes.
“Don’t do that. Don’t write yourself off because everyone else does. So you went to lots of clubs and drank champagne and made out with girls. Big deal. You were a kid. It’s okay if you screwed around a bit. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it.”
“And now?”
She smiled, and I knew whatever would come out of her mouth would be the complete truth. She never was easy on me.
“Now you’re becoming a man. It’s time for you to grow up. You know it, I know it.” She stopped walking, reaching up and holding my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her. “You’re smart and loyal. Strong. Brave. You’re stubborn and determined and charismatic. You’re a leader. Everyone follows you. You can be anything you want; you just have to see it. Don’t let people tell you you’re less than you are.”
Emotion filled me. “Maggie...”
She smiled again. “I believe in you. I think you can do anything. You just have to believe it too.”
I couldn’t say anything. I gathered her in my arms, burying my lips in her hair, holding her so close I never wanted to let her go. She didn’t get it. When she said those things, she made me want to believe them. But I couldn’t imagine achieving any of those things without her by my side. Her faith in me was everything.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do....”
She sighed. “I know.”
It was the thing we never spoke of—what would happen when graduation came. We’d both already purchased our plane tickets home. It was so close—
I didn’t know what I’d do when it was time to let her go.
Maggie
I SAW LEBANON through his eyes. Maybe that was why I loved it as much as I did. I understood now, in a way I never had before, just how much it was a part of him. I loved that part. But I knew I had to let him go.
He had a life here, friends, people who needed him. His parents were a disaster, but still. This was his life. I hadn’t been exaggerating when I’d said I believed in him. In the beginning, he’d tempted me, driven me crazy. I’d fallen for him slowly, against my better judgment, because he was all too often irresistible. But now, everything was different. I admired him, respected him. He was a good guy, becoming a good man. He needed a chance to realize that.
I stood in his arms, basking in the warmth of the sun on our bodies, the sound of the waves. It was a beautiful, perfect day. It only seemed fair that we’d get as many of those as possible considering how quickly time was running out.
I loved it here. Loved the feeling of straddling two worlds, two cultures. It fit Samir better than Paris, better than anything. This was his home.
He leaned back, staring down at my face. “Are you okay?”
I didn’t know. Time was slipping away from us, minute by minute. I’d been so nervous about this trip to Lebanon, so nervous to meet his family. But now it had come and would go soon and then the next big hurdle would be graduation.
“Just thinking.” I tried to shrug it off, like the words didn’t matter.
He gathered me closer to him, letting me wrap my body around his like a vine.
“I’m glad I got to see this.” I gestured to the bustling city around me.
“Why?”
“Because now I’ll be able to picture you here. Be able to imagine what your life is like.”
He sighed. “That sounds so sad.”
“I don’t think this was ever going to be anything but sad.”
He was silent for a long time, the sounds of the street behind us filling a gap we both danced around.
“I wish things were different,” he whispered.
So did I.
He kissed me, his lips clinging to mine. There was desperation in his kisses now. Before we had sex last year, he used to kiss me with an intensity bordering on madness, as if I were something he had to consume, possess. Now, he kissed me as if the connection between our lips were enough to bind me to him, even though I was slipping away.
I knew because I did the same thing to him.
He broke apart from me, his face flushed, his lips swollen from our kiss, his chest heaving.
“I don’t know how to let you go.”
My heart lurched as the words escaped his mouth. The desire to ask him to stay filled me. I wanted the happy ending, wanted him to stay in London forever. But I couldn’t speak. If the roles were reversed, if he asked me to come to Lebanon to be with him—
It was an impossible situation. I couldn’t throw away my future. Not after I’d worked this hard to get here. And I couldn’t ask him to do the same for me. I loved him too much.
We were in this weird in-between stage. It wasn’t casual. Even if he hadn’t said the words, I knew there was more there. But I wasn’t ready for marriage. We’d never even kind of talked about it. I was twenty years old. I had two thousand dollars to my name, two years of college left, and a mountain of student loan debt waiting for me on the other side. I didn’t have a lot of options. I had a path I’d been on my whole life. So did he.
The distance between his life and mine had never seemed more insurmountable than it did now, and I wasn’t sure love—if it even existed in him too—was enough to bridge the gap.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Maggie
WHEN WE GOT BACK from Lebanon time moved quickly, as it tended to do when an event you dreaded loomed near. Each day felt like another moment slipping through our fingers, another day together lost. It was hard to focus on school, hard to think about anything other than Samir leaving soon.
My friends began treating me carefully, as if I would explode at any minute. Between the stress of finals and Samir leaving London, my emotions were a jumbled mess.
“Are we just going to pretend everything’s okay?”
I stared at Fleur sitting across from me at the cafeteria table. “Do you want to talk abou
t your breakup with George?”
She grimaced. “Point taken.”
It was kind of a low blow. But the one thing I couldn’t handle right now was a deep conversation about Samir. I was skimming the surface emotionally, going through my days on autopilot. I felt safer that way. He was leaving and I had finals and I couldn’t afford to mess up my future. My scholarship required a 3.5 GPA, and my GPA was shaky enough after last year. There was no way I was going to jeopardize my chances here.
“Fuck.” Fleur’s voice broke through my inner panic attack.
“What’s wrong?”
“Max.”
I looked across the cafeteria. Max stood in the middle of the room, holding a tray in his hand. He flushed slightly. His gaze darted from me to Fleur and back to me again.
The problem with going to a school as small as the International School was that breakups complicated everything. Everyone knew everyone’s business and it was hard to avoid an ex...or in this case, his best friend. I felt bad for Fleur, but at the same time, I couldn’t exactly pretend Max didn’t exist.
He didn’t seem to have the same problem. He nodded at me before his gaze drifted back to Fleur. It held there and something flickered, only for an instant, but long enough for Samir’s words to run through me.... He watches Fleur. I hadn’t really noticed it before—maybe he’d never done it before in front of me—but Max continued to stare at her. I watched, fascinated, as a flush rose in his cheeks before he jerked his head and turned and walked away.
“What was that?”
Fleur didn’t answer me.
“Fleur?”
Her head snapped up, her cheeks pink. “What?”
“You noticed that, right? That was weird.”
She shrugged. “He’s a weird guy.”
That wasn’t entirely accurate, but I let it slide. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me. “Do you think he likes you? Samir noticed him looking at you at the Valentine’s Day dance.”
The color staining her cheeks deepened. “Samir doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Actually, what I think you meant to say was, ‘Samir is incredibly wise.’”
Fleur snorted as Samir sank down in the chair next to mine. He kissed me.
“Hi, babe.”
I grinned. “Hi.”
“What did I miss?”
“Nothing,” Fleur answered, rising from her chair. “I have to go to class. We’re still on for the graduation party I’m hosting at Babel, right? I’m going to reserve a table today.”
Samir nodded. “Yeah, we’re still on.”
“Good. I’ll catch you guys later.” We both watched her walk away.
“She’s not herself,” I murmured. “I’m worried about her. She just seems even more lost now that she’s broken up with George.”
“I’ve noticed.” It was impossible to miss the worry in his voice.
“Have you tried talking to her?”
Samir shook his head. “You know how she is. I can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do.”
“I know.”
He squeezed my hand. “She’ll be okay. Don’t worry about Fleur.”
He didn’t add the unspoken—we have enough shit to deal with—but it hung between us. He didn’t know the rest of the stuff going on with Fleur, though. Didn’t know about the blackmail or the pregnancy. I wanted to tell him, wanted to get his advice, but it wasn’t my secret to tell. She’d stopped talking about it all, insisting she didn’t want her life to be controlled by it. I understood, and yet nothing felt resolved. It felt like a storm was brewing, and I didn’t know how to help her when she didn’t seem to want help.
“Are you okay?”
I almost laughed at his question. I was about as far from okay as you could get. Graduation was breathing down my neck, so close I could taste it.
“I don’t know.”
It was the most honest answer I could give.
“Yeah. Me too.” His gaze held with mine. “What are your plans this summer?”
I blinked, surprised by the question. “I thought the whole point of this was that things were going to end in May. Do you really want to do this? Talk about the future we won’t have?”
Maybe I was a chicken, but I wanted—needed—a clean break. I couldn’t imagine texting him, emailing him, talking to him when he was back in Lebanon, knowing we had no future. I couldn’t imagine keeping this tether between us when he’d be looking for a wife. The idea of him getting married was already a knife to my heart and it was only an abstract concept. I couldn’t prolong the agony of not having him by keeping him in my life—always unattainable, a constant reminder of what I’d lost.
“I wanted to be able to imagine you at home, so when I’m in Lebanon, miserable, I can envision what your life is like.”
His words hit me like a punch. It was so close to what I’d said to him in Beirut, so close to my own thoughts and desires. I understood his wants better than anyone, but at the same time I couldn’t help but worry we were both clinging to something we couldn’t keep.
“Tell me.”
I sighed. “Working a lot to save up for next year. Hanging out with my grandparents, Jo. Nothing glamorous.”
“Are you going to see your dad? The baby?”
“Maybe. I haven’t decided. Sara’s due this summer so we’ll see.”
“What else? What kind of stuff will you do for fun?”
It was the furthest thing from my mind. “I don’t know. Probably hang out with friends from high school. Go out to dinners, that sort of thing.”
He was quiet for a moment. “So are there any boys in South Carolina?”
“What?”
“Just making conversation.”
My eyes narrowed. “Are we really going to do this?”
Samir
I WAS GOING down a path I really didn’t want to go down. But I’d have been lying if I didn’t admit the idea of her with other guys had been bothering me for months now. Even more so since Omar brought it up at Valentine’s Day.
I saw the way guys looked at her. She was hot and as fucked up as it might be, a lot of guys were going to want her knowing I’d had her. I had a reputation, and they would be all too eager to find out what I’d taught her. The thought of it made me want to put my fist through a wall. A lot of things did these days.
I’d never really been the jealous type, but the idea of her with someone else was killing me. She wasn’t going to stay single forever. She was beautiful and smart and funny, and there was no way I was the only guy who’d noticed. I wanted her to be happy—
I just didn’t know how I’d be happy without her.
She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “Don’t do this. It just makes it harder.”
The logical part of me knew she was right. But all I had to do was look at her, touch her, kiss her, and logic flew out the window.
I had no idea how I was going to let her go. Especially when it felt like she was taking a piece of my heart with her. We had a week left and then it would all be over.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Maggie
IF SOMEONE ASKED me to describe Samir’s graduation, I couldn’t have done it. The day went by in a blur. I put on the dress I’d bought with Fleur weeks earlier. Mya did my hair. I watched Samir get ready. Took pictures with him in his cap and gown. It all felt like a dream. Or, given the way time ran down, a nightmare.
I’d never been more grateful for my friends.
Fleur ripped on everyone’s fashion choices and made me laugh. Mya held my hand. It was as if they knew how close I was to breaking and were ready to step in with exactly what I needed. I’d never loved them more.
I sat next to them during the ceremony, grateful there were several rows between Samir’s parents and me. They didn’t acknowledge us except for a curt nod to Fleur¸ but I couldn’t bring myself to care. They were just another reminder he would be leaving tomorrow. Another reminder of all I stood to lose.
When he walked across the stage, so sexy in his cap and gown, my heart tumbled in my chest. Pride burst through me. It only made things worse. The pride was too closely tied to another emotion—one I was afraid to acknowledge as love.
Samir
IF YOU’D TOLD ME the first day of my freshman year that I’d be dreading my graduation day, I would have laughed. Now, the joke was on me. Even independent of Maggie, I wasn’t ready for this.
I’d miss my friends. Miss London. Even miss being around Fleur. I had a life here. One I liked, one I wasn’t ready to give up.
I went through the motions—smiled when I was supposed to, took pictures with my friends, managed small talk with my parents. It was my last full day in London and I hated how much it kept me away from Maggie. I wanted to be next to her, in bed with her, anything to keep her close to me. Even with the production that was graduation, I knew where she was at all times. It wasn’t even intentional. It just worked out that way.
I walked across the stage, taking my diploma from the university president. It was just a piece of paper and yet it had power over me—it was a noose tightening around my neck.
I posed for the obligatory handshake picture, using the opportunity to seek Maggie out in the crowd. Our gazes locked. It was just a moment, but she smiled at me and I saw something I hadn’t seen all day—pride. She was proud of me. And suddenly I didn’t care that my father had spent most of my graduation day taking business calls or that my mother was clearly bored.
She was proud of me. And really, nothing else mattered.
Maggie
I LOOKED AT MY reflection in the mirror, struggling not to cry. The emotion of the day flooded me. All around me, everyone was celebrating graduation and the end of the semester. Everyone was happy. All I could think was that my world was falling down around me.
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